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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want DP to work from home?

81 replies

Limeblackpepper · 08/09/2017 11:27

DP has worked from home for several years. Before having our third DC, I said I wouldn't be happy to have him at home all day, and he agreed to find a space to work.

DD is now 1 and he's only just started to work in an office space. Occasionally, he'll stay at home unexpectedly and work from the bedroom. I hate having him here as I need some space and I don't like not being able to ask him for help when things are difficult (e.g. Baby crawling around and I need to cook lunch/take washing in/etc.).

Today had a ridiculous argument as he said he couldn't get to work as he'd left it too late (?!) and he got very angry saying I make him feel bad about it. Who IBU?

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 08/09/2017 12:33

YANBU - and I'm the one who works from home. Having young children around the place (and Shock it is their home too) is not conducive. Having a DH dithering around too is not either.

I may be projecting.

And he can help out whilst working from home. I sort out a snack for the kids when they get home from school; put on washing; make tea; do the washing up - just like when I'm at work I make tea; go for lunch and catch up with colleagues.

OnlyTeaForMe · 08/09/2017 12:37

I understand where you're coming from OP.
DH and I had so many issues over his 'working at home' habits and expectations that we nearly ended in divorce and I finally made him get an office in town.
For DH it was all for HIS benefit and the disadvantages for me and the DC far outweighed any (non-existent) benefits.
I felt that I was constantly being monitored. And things like making coffee and lunch became petty - if I didn't make him coffee or a sandwich when I was making one then he was 'hurt', but he never offered first, and he played on the fact that he knew I always had to feed me/the kids at 12.30 when we were starving Hmm and always seemed to have 'an important phone call to make' before he could 'come and give you a hand' Hmm
He would never do anything like take the washing in, or unload the dishwasher during the day - even though he was contributing loads of cups and plates to it - and my and the DCs social life and friendships suffered because he didn't want 'noisy kids running around' Sad. On the odd occasion I had friends over he would come downstairs to pointedly make himself a cup of tea and say soemthing snarky like 'oh, you're having a nice tea and a chat - how nice - I wish I had time...'
Grrr... seriously, if he hadn't moved out, I would have done!

I agree with other posters - agree what's appropriate and set some ground rules and stick to them.

notafish · 08/09/2017 12:45

Definitely a wife-work issue as someone stated above. A lot of men who work from home like to do so because they can take their children to school in the morning and start work immediately after that. It sounds like your DH doesn't want to interact with his baby during the breaks he has. I'm assuming he's not very hands on or involved with his children any other time but it is more irritating to have him 'in your space' flaunting it under your nose during the daytime.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/09/2017 12:45

YA MOST DEFINITELY NOT BU

You told him before you even TTC & he agreed. He has a 'Hot Desk'. Tell him he's either out at work or he's at home. If he's at home, he's at home - he pitches in & does his share of school runs & baby sorting. Treat him like you would if he was just played computer games. He will sharpish go to the office.

It's completely irrelevant how other people feel about WFH or their partners WFH it's not a set up you want, you explained this before having kids & he agreed. He's pissed about for a very long time getting a place sorted & now he has, he's still not always using it.

womaninatightspot · 08/09/2017 12:46

YANBU sometimes DH works from home like the sitting room/ kitchen and then I feel bad if our 2yo twins are noisy when he's on the phone and stuff . It's just awkward. We've turned the old stables into a nice office for him. Have you got any usable outdoor space that you could put somewhere suitable for him to work?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/09/2017 12:47

It's completely irrelevant how other people feel about WFH or their partners WFH it's not a set up you want, you explained this before having kids & he agreed

So in your world no one can change their mind then.

Runningpear · 08/09/2017 12:51

I was all prepared to say YABU until I saw he went to the office rather than look after the child for an hour.
There is a fine balance to be struck if WFH, it is disruptive if there are partners / kids in the house at the same time. Any 'saved' time should be split with you to compensate for the disruption, would that work?

QuiteQuietly · 08/09/2017 12:52

Far too stressful having to keep small people quiet so that a working parent can work, constricting not to be able to invite people round for coffee, feeling "monitored" by the "working parent".

YANBU.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/09/2017 12:53

Piglet. Massive jump there, but hey, unsurprising. In this instance, no, he can't change his mind, not without her agreement. Working from home doesn't suit the OP & she's the one giving up her job to stay at home with the children. He has an office, he can bloody well use it as agreed.

christinarossetti · 08/09/2017 12:59

YANBU. It doesn't sound like it's the working from home that you hate and resent, rather the fact that when he wfh he contributes nothing to the day-to-day running of the family, although restricts your access to the bedroom/noise that you can make.

If he acted like a someone who was in the house when he was at home eg held the baby rather than someone who isn't in the house, it would be more acceptable.

Your reasons for not wanting him wfh are absolutely valid, and he should respect them.

nokidshere · 08/09/2017 13:03

My dh sometimes wfh, we have a dedicated office space, I work in the evenings and there are no children at home during the day - and I still find it irritating and feel like my space is being invaded so no YANBU

Dentistlakes · 08/09/2017 13:04

I work from home, but I couldn't do it with young children in the house. When the children are off sick it's still a massive PITA even though they are 7 and 9. Children make noise, no matter how quiet they try to be.

Personally I don't think you're BU OP. Even if he stays in his room, it's still a stress trying to keep the kids away and knowing he's there causes you to change the things you might otherwise do (moody games etc).

Working from home with children around really doesn't work unless you have a massive house or a separate office in the garden for instance.

Dentistlakes · 08/09/2017 13:04

Noisy games not moody!

BugPlaster · 08/09/2017 13:11

I haven't read all the posts but I need to say YANBU. My dh works from home, one of the bedrooms is an office, our 2dc have to share. Apart from all the obvious - needing to keep noise down when he's on calls, trying to stop kids from bothering him - there is something that grates on me when it's days on end. I need space. Not for anything specific, just to get on with things and let myself relax. We work together on the days when youngest is at nursery, so lots of time together. You did right insisting he get an office. Now he needs to use it.

museumum · 08/09/2017 13:11

I would hate this. OP - I assume when you're back at work he will do all the nursery runs as he wfh? If so I guess that's the payback.
I wfh and have a hotdesk. I would always go to the hotdesk if my dh and ds were at home. It's not a suitable work environment (even in a spare room) with baby or child noise.

EternalOptimistToo · 08/09/2017 13:14

Well several people are living in the h Use and they all have the say right to use said house.
That means the OP's DH cannot impose for him to sort frm home and then expect the OP to make constant allowances for him - keep the house relatively quiet, not going into bedroom etc etc whilst she is at home with at least one child under 2yo.
In the same way, she can't impose her POV either.
The dcs wouldnt be able to express their pov, esp if they are all your une, but they clearly need to be taken into account too.

I have to say, having worked from home, I'm surprised that he seems to prefer to work from home with all the distractions that will come from that! I would jump at the possibility to get out of the house. Which makes me wonder what sort of perks does he get from being at home (lunch prepared for him, teas etc... someone to talk to when HE wants to??)
And I can see how maddening it would be fro the OP to have to constantly tiptoe around the house.

So IMO YANBU in your request. But you probably ABU with your wording iyswim

Pigeonpost · 08/09/2017 13:15

Wtf? My DH works from home. In our bedroom. Why should I be able to throw him out of the house? I am completely confused by your reason of not liking not being able to ask him for help because you need to do the laundry and the baby is crawling. Your ability to care for your child shouldn't be impacted in any way by whether your DH is working at home in the bedroom or in an office. He is working at his job, you are working looking after the child(ren). I don't ask my DH to do childcare when he's working in the same way. So yes, YABU. He's not sitting on his arse playing computer games, he's working. To make money which you presumably need to live off if you are not working. If you want someone else to look after your child perhaps you should go out to work?

thecatsthecats · 08/09/2017 13:15

I get your problem, I honestly do. My OH has to go into the office on Saturday, and I KNOW he's going to stay in bed and then decide to work from home. Because that's what's always happened before.

I would love the peace and quiet of a free afternoon in the house to myself, but that doesn't trump his right to work quietly in his own home. And at least yours has his own office! Mine has spread his shit over the breakfast bar.

Pigeonpost · 08/09/2017 13:18

I missed the bit about you wanting a lunch break. Ha ha ha ha ha. I hope your maternity leave is coming to an end soon as it doesn't sound like you are cut out to be a SAHM. Not a criticism, some people just aren't. I think you need to get back to work asap as it sounds like you've got cabin fever and it's making you irrationally jealous.

Newtssuitcase · 08/09/2017 13:21

YABVVU There are days when DH works from home (I permanently work from hm). He does it because he simply doesn't have the time for the commute or the constant office interruptions. By working from home he gains three hours a day.

It's his home too.

randomsabreuse · 08/09/2017 13:23

If he's in the bedroom doing important work OP can't use the bedroom to put away clothes, have a nap, Hoover, potter around - all of which are things that you might well want/need to do at home with a toddler helping. By being at home occupying space he restricts the OP's options without there being a trade off of help in the lunch break - which would be really annoying!

Original poster
Limeblackpepper · 08/09/2017 13:38

pigeon if he's wfh and has an hour break, why can't we share the childcare for that hour and split it 50-50?

OP posts:
PennyMise · 08/09/2017 13:40

I totally get it. YANBU. I had the same deal with my DH before DS1 and DD2 were born and having his wfh 'once a week' slowly creep to twice or more drove me round the bend. @pigeonpost that second post is bollocks.

mrsplum2015 · 08/09/2017 13:41

Ya definitely nbu. I had the same with my dh when he worked from home. He could conveniently always find time to make himself a coffee or pop to the shops for a technology related item/haircut. However similarly never a load of washing hung out, dishwasher unloaded.

I remember asking him if my 1yo could stay with him for 10 mins while I walked to school to pick up dc1. It was snowing and we didn't have a snow friendly pram. The baby was really heavy and obviously I was on slippery snowy ground. He shouted how unreasonable I was and I even now remember how tearful that made me feel.

jeSuisDansLeFromage · 08/09/2017 13:41

Would you accept him telling you that you weren't allowed to be in your home because he wanted space
More like would he accept her bringing the baby to his office and letting it run around.

He's making her job more difficult for his own convenience.

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