AIBU to not want DP to work from home?

[Limeblackpepper]

DP has worked from home for several years. Before having our third DC, I said I wouldn't be happy to have him at home all day, and he agreed to find a space to work.

DD is now 1 and he's only just started to work in an office space. Occasionally, he'll stay at home unexpectedly and work from the bedroom. I hate having him here as I need some space and I don't like not being able to ask him for help when things are difficult (e.g. Baby crawling around and I need to cook lunch/take washing in/etc.).

Today had a ridiculous argument as he said he couldn't get to work as he'd left it too late (?!) and he got very angry saying I make him feel bad about it. Who IBU?

Thanks all. No study, so either living room or bedroom. The hotdesk office situation costs us (not just him) very little and it's a reasonable journey.

silvery I do need space that badly!

nosquirrels I have made my expectations so clear. I made them clear before we even ttc. He just keeps shifting the boundaries and I am so much happier in a routine with set expectations.

nutty I have a job. I'm on maternity leave.

I cope just fine on my own when he's in the office! I can't stand knowing he takes regular coffee breaks/ reading crap online breaks at work, but I can't occasionally ask him to hold the baby while I do something.

This morning, I said I would be ok with him staying home if he looked after DD during his lunch break. Cue DP suddenly leaving for the office...

I really hate when my DH works from home and I am home with the children but I would never dream of voicing this

*Today 11:29 HoHoHoHo

Would you accept him telling you that you weren't allowed to be in your home because he wanted space?*

No, but he has the option to leave and I have to spend the majority of my time here!

Yabu. It wastes precious working time travelling to and from an office, when he could just start working straight away in the bedroom. You've got the rest of the home to yourself and the baby. You have to adjust.

merry thanks I voice it because otherwise I get frustrated and it's no good for anyone. I think he'd prefer I took your approach.

pink his working hours are the same, regardless. He doesn't finish early at home. He just has long baths/lie in in the saved time.

YABVU - it's his house too. If you don't him being there, you go out.

Oh I'm with you, OP. I suspect other people might be too if they'd experienced it ...

Ok, I see I'm seen as being unreasonable. I'll be more understanding of his feelings. Not giving In though

I would hate it too. Someone who is physically there, in the way but not helping at all.

Working from home is ok, but from an office space, not from your bedroom.

Also, the extra time he saves shouldn't be lie in, coffee break, reading crap on line time. It's working or helping you out. Nothing else, or no more break than you get.

I work from home (as does my husband some days). I would hate it if my husband and daughter were around all day. It would drive me mad! In fact, on the occasional day he does work from home, I go somewhere else to work (our dd is school age, so not usually around during the day). But I think if he is happy to work from home and can be productive that way, then I think that's his choice. I think it's unreasonable for him to expect you to keep quiet or make his lunch or do tasks for him to help him with work while he is there, or for him to get upset, for instance, if the baby cries while he's on a call, etc. If he needs peace and quiet, he should go to his office (if I could afford an office space, I would! I've looked into it and it's cost prohibitive in our area). But if he's happy working amidst the chaos and can be productive that way, then I think you just need to work around it, assuming you are the stay at home parent. You can always go out for the day. Having dealt with both parents working from home for 4 years now, I can tell you it's good to get used to compartmentalising your time. It will make life much easier in the future if you get used to not treating his working time as home time. Leave him alone, get on with your day, etc. Set a time each day when he will finish and then you can begin your family time with him helping with tasks, spending time with both of you, whatever.

It's not so bad now (some days are better than others) but when i had ds1 and we lived in a smaller house DH would work from home and it was really irritating. He would be in the living room and ds1 would see him and think 'daddy's home' and crawl towards him and squeal etc and dh would ignore him and try to work and then ask me to keep him quiet etc.

DH would also potter about doing his own shit and if i said can you watch ds1 while i go to the loo/have a 5 min shower apparently he was WORKING! He also wanted/wants coffees, snacks, lunch, breakfast cooked for him and now often invites his dad with Dementia over for me to make lunch for too/'while he's at home', then fucks off upstairs for hours leaving me with 3 under 5 and fil.

BUT i still prefer him at home because at least i get help with bedtime and the kids see him for 1-2hrs after 6pm (whereas he usually isn't home till 8)

He originally told the midwife he was going to be working from home so he could help me with ds1. She wasn't impressed when she realised he meant sit in the corner and expect to be waited on and then pop out to the gym!

Dh sometimes does this BUT he would help at lunchtime etc. I don't think he should be using the saved time for lie ins - he should pitch in with the dc or housework, or at least have lunch together.

Yanbu

This morning, I said I would be ok with him staying home if he looked after DD during his lunch break. Cue DP suddenly leaving for the office...

Well this is the crux of it, isn't it? And I'm surprised not more posters have picked up on it. If h

YABU. He's wrong for not helping if he's not actually working, but that's a separate issue. If he did his work with reasonable breaks then came to help with the kids would you still mind?

You can't tell him you don't want him in his own home!

OP let him stay at home. But he starts work at 9.00 ish. He can look after the Baby until 9.00, and the other children. He finishes at 5.00, great he can cook dinner and look after the kids whilst you have some time to yourself. Why should he be having long baths and lie ins whilst you do all the work. Take it in turns.

But to follow up on the above, he needs to treat his working from home days the same as any other day. No lie ins. No 'free time' saved on commuting. Non-work time is family time like every other day.

Sorry, hit the wrong button.

This morning, I said I would be ok with him staying home if he looked after DD during his lunch break. Cue DP suddenly leaving for the office...

This is essentially a "wifework" issue. Him being at home isn't the problem - him being at home, getting under your feet, and swanning about getting snacks and chatting on the phone while you wrangle his three children is the issue. And that's why this kind of set up can be a huge pain in the arse. If going in to the office is less of a faff to him than watching his dd for an hour - that says a LOT. I'm assuming he isn't very hands on after work hours either? It's his involvement with his children and his home environment that you need to address.

I was totally on the unreasonable side till this

This morning, I said I would be ok with him staying home if he looked after DD during his lunch break. Cue DP suddenly leaving for the office...

Thanks again. Considering all the good ideas posted.

I think he gets a good deal. I get all DC ready, do lunches, make breakfast and clear up. He gets to get ready for work. I do every single school run. Do all school related stuff. All play dates and bday parties. He gets to go to work! All I ask for is some space. it was all agreed before, that's what really grates.

Yes, if I had a lunch break too (half an hour each?) I'd be more up for it.

koala he said the same to midwife. Can't tell you how much it annoyed me!

raincloud he is fully hands on after work. So that's not the issue (because I'd leave him if he wasn't...) thankfully.

OP let him stay at home. But he starts work at 9.00 ish. He can look after the Baby until 9.00, and the other children. He finishes at 5.00, great he can cook dinner and look after the kids whilst you have some time to yourself.

The thing is, a lot of office jobs involve marking time. I've done it. You wait for the slow computer, you grab an extra coffee, you look at your colleague's holiday pics, you look at twitter while you wait for an email to come in. If it's an "Office" office job, it's not usually action packed for 7 hours. If he was under the cosh I expect the OP would be respectful of that and keep the kids out of his way. But if he spends 2-3 hours of his work day at home fannying about, he should be helping with his children. They don't disappear because it's technically the work day.

I don't think YABU. My DH also works from home a few days a week, recently he's started complaining about the noise when he has calls to make, I think it is home first and an office second. He has an office he can go to and the commute is perfectly doable. DD is 2.5 and she doesn't always understand that she can't see daddy even though he is in the house.

I wouldn't like someone using my bedroom or living room as office. If home I need to use those rooms. Think you have found the answer, if not go out and leave baby with him for afternoon. YaNbu. My partner gets zero hours work. I hate those days. Fine if he is here and with me, helping or we go out. Fine if he's out work or social, but can't stand not knowing and constant change of plan/focus during day.