How do I stop this awful reaction?

[guilty100]

Regular, but NC for this because I'm ashamed. This is less an AIBU than an "I know I'm being unreasonable, please help".

A few years back, I left a job because of endemic racism, sexism, and bullying. The culture of the place was just horrific, and I was very exploited and utterly miserable so I made the decision to quit with nothing to go to. I had something like a breakdown over it - I felt at my lowest ever and couldn't really function or get out of bed for a few months.

I am much better now, but the people I had to work with still haunt me quite a lot. When I'm out in crowds, sometimes I imagine that I see them and I feel hot and start to panic. I've never actually run into any of them since I left, but the thought that I might is something that still bothers me.

I recently heard that one of the ringleaders of the bullying died suddenly and very unexpectedly. He was the toady of a big boss who was a total racist bully, and he helped in sneaky ways to humiliate and put me down. When he died, he was still in his 30s and left behind two young children and a beautiful wife (whom I have never met). Obviously, this is absolutely tragic.

Here's the bit where I am an awful person. Cerebrally, I do feel awful for the wife and those poor children. I'm not lacking in a moral compass! But I just keep having this reaction of relief that he is gone that comes before my empathy kicks in. The guy had what I can only describe as a very "normal" face - in the sense that there are a lot of guys that look similar - and whenever I see one of these men in the crowd I get that familiar panicky sensation and then this tidal wave of relief, almost gladness, that now it can't be him.

I feel awful that I have this reaction. I know it is wrong and inappropriate, that I should have more compassion/empathy. But I don't know what to do about it. I thought it might fade, but it's been a few months now and I still get the same response. I've had extensive counselling about the workplace (and other things) but it hasn't worked to change that initial reaction. I keep reminding myself what his wife and kids must be going through, but even that doesn't work. It's always an after-thought that comes a minute after the panic/relief. It's almost like a fight-or-flight reaction, in the sense that it feels virtually instinctive and out of my control.

Has anyone been through similar? How do I stop being this awful person?

You don't sound awful to me. You feel sorry for his wife and kids, but not for him because he was horrible. That's ok!

Who knows - maybe his wife and children are relieved he's gone too.

Totally justified.
The moral line that bullies take completely licences this reading of justice.
I heard that my bully is so ill.. And keeps eating too much, that he may not enjoy the pension he dishonestly set himself up for. Good.

Bullies go to war. War is merciless. So be it.

Why should you have more compassion / empathy?

He was awful to you, you owe him nothing.

People don't go back in time and stop being arseholes once they die and it sounds like he gave you an extremely hard time - so if I were you I wouldnt be trying to fix myself for the way I was feeling and just accept the feelings for what they are and hopefully with time you won't think about it as much. Honestly I don't think you are a bad person at all. It sounds like this reaction is very much on the normal spectrum.

It is a flight or fight reaction, made worse by your anxiety and feeling of guilt.

Have you considered hypnotherapy? It's very good for this sort of thing.

As for your double-sided emotions - they are perfectly normal. You can have conflicting emotions. You don't have to change your feelings about an individual because their circumstances have changed.

You sound perfectly normal and I think you are reacting how most people in your situation would. Hope the repsonses you have had so far are helping.

Perfectly normal.

The wife and kids did nothing to you. They've lost a dad, husband and wage earner.

You on the other hand may benefit from trauma counselling. I'm serious.

To feel panic so long after the job ended suggests you suffered immensely and some form of PTSD has taken hold.

I don't think that sounds awful at all. I don't think I would even be as nice as you about it.

Your feelings are totally normal. It's normal to feel relief when someone who has been horrible to you can't do that any more. You don't have to feel guilty about it.

Have you been assessed for PTSD?

Thank you all for being so lovely. I do feel tremendously guilty about this to the point that I couldn't talk to friends or family about it in real life because of the shame.

I have had CBT, but it didn't help much (it was focused largely on other issues, as I wasn't properly aware of this reaction until this man died - I felt panic when I thought I saw people but I kind of repressed it below a horizon of acknowledgement. It's only the guilt that's really made it visible t me). I've also been paying privately to speak to a counsellor for a year, which has helped a lot. I'm lucky to have found a therapist who really suits me, and I hope that in time and with more work I will be able to be a more compassionate person.

Don't worry ,love.
I'd feel the same and I'm a good person,mostly.

I have PTSD from something that another person did to me. I have no guilt about hoping something terrible happens to him. I also understand the feeling of being scared of meeting that person, it's sort of unreasonable but sort of not.

My primary aim at the moment is to get him out of my head and I'm working with someone to try to achieve this. Ultimately I don't want him to have any space in my head at all. I'm not sure how I will get there. If you've had a lot of counselling I guess you have some tools to use for these feelings? Perhaps find someone new to deal with this new event.

Anyway YANBU and I hope you find peace with none of these nasty individuals occupying your head space.

Your feelings are normal, I'd feel the same.

Of course you are relieved not to have the possibility of meeting this person in your mind any more.

Him dying, sad as it is for those who saw a different side of him, doesn't negate the way he treated you. You're responding in the way his behaviour to you deserves. And HE did that all by himself.

For all you know, he could have been just as horrible a bully to his wife and children.

He was vile to you

Why on earth do you think that you should feel nicely about him now he's dead

that's an abnormal reaction.

plenty of horrid people die every day, and the world is a better place for it.

it's ok to acknowledge that.

it shows you have kindness and empathy that you feel sympathy for his family, that's enough.

you don't owe anyone anything more.

that's all.

This is a sign that those awful experiences are still affecting you. This awful man still has a hold over you and whilst it's easy to say you need to let go that is hard to actually do. Noone can blame you for that, those experiences were clearly deeply scarring and need to be dealt with.
He died. Feeling relief that he cannot possibly hurt you again isn't doing anything to his wife or children or those who are experiencing loss are not your emotional responsibility.
His behaviour is what marks him out as destructive don't let your (rational) feelings give him more power over you.

I had PTSD from an event where I was helpless (in this case unable to protect my children) and your symptoms sound similar to mine. I had an amazing therapy on the NHS (might not be offered in all areas) - EMDR have a google. Literally saved my life.

BTW, I don't blame you for feeling as you do towards the man that died, of course you didn't want him to die and his family to suffer, you are not a bad person to have these thoughts - entirely normal.

Your feelings of relief are normal and you don't have to be ashamed - apart from anything, it's not as if the way you feel has any impact on the family of the deceased, who don't know you and have never met you.

You sound like a really nice, kind and empathetic person. I suspect a lot of people wouldn't give the wife and kids a second thought.

It sounds like you've had a very, very hard time and have been quite traumatised by your experiences at the hands of these workplace bullies. I honestly think anyone in your position would feel relieved right now and you don't need to feel guilty. You've done nothing wrong.

I agree, it does sound like PTSD and certainly you are suffering anxiety issues. Please do not feel guilty. Your relief is for yourself and is nothing to do with unpleasant thoughts towards his wife and children. From what you say, I do hope they were not treated poorly as well. You have to separate the two issues and do not feel in any way guilty because you were the victim.

I bring up my gc's and one of their fathers' is a violent, abusive thug. At one stage I hated him so much for what he had done to our family that when I read news headlines that someone had died in a crash locally, I used to pray that it was him so we could all be free from fear.

You didn't wish him dead, it was a sudden death but it has assisted in diminishing your anxiety, that's all. I am glad you feel you are improving.

None of this is your fault. His bullying you was not your fault, his death is not your fault and whatever his family are feeling is not your fault.
You don't have to carry any guilt for thi

YANBU.

But you need counselling to overcome the deeper trauma because there will be others like him sadly so although he is gone, the thing that made your life miserable (bullying, racism) continues to exists outside of this individual and you need to armour yourself against that.

Why should you have more empathy? I wouldn't.

AS PP have said - it sounds like you have PTSD. My sister had EMDR after her H treated her very badly, and the result was almost instant. Don't feel guilty about being glad he's gone. The world is better off without him.

The person who bullied me awfully through primary school and secondary school to the point where I thought about killing myself was stabbed to death in the town I live in about 5-6 years ago. (I am in my 30's now)

When I heard about it, I felt ecstatic. What annoyed me was seeing his family go on about what a nice gentle giant he was. He was a cunt. Period.

So no, its fairly normal to feel that way in my opinion.