How do I stop this awful reaction?

[guilty100]

Regular, but NC for this because I'm ashamed. This is less an AIBU than an "I know I'm being unreasonable, please help".

A few years back, I left a job because of endemic racism, sexism, and bullying. The culture of the place was just horrific, and I was very exploited and utterly miserable so I made the decision to quit with nothing to go to. I had something like a breakdown over it - I felt at my lowest ever and couldn't really function or get out of bed for a few months.

I am much better now, but the people I had to work with still haunt me quite a lot. When I'm out in crowds, sometimes I imagine that I see them and I feel hot and start to panic. I've never actually run into any of them since I left, but the thought that I might is something that still bothers me.

I recently heard that one of the ringleaders of the bullying died suddenly and very unexpectedly. He was the toady of a big boss who was a total racist bully, and he helped in sneaky ways to humiliate and put me down. When he died, he was still in his 30s and left behind two young children and a beautiful wife (whom I have never met). Obviously, this is absolutely tragic.

Here's the bit where I am an awful person. Cerebrally, I do feel awful for the wife and those poor children. I'm not lacking in a moral compass! But I just keep having this reaction of relief that he is gone that comes before my empathy kicks in. The guy had what I can only describe as a very "normal" face - in the sense that there are a lot of guys that look similar - and whenever I see one of these men in the crowd I get that familiar panicky sensation and then this tidal wave of relief, almost gladness, that now it can't be him.

I feel awful that I have this reaction. I know it is wrong and inappropriate, that I should have more compassion/empathy. But I don't know what to do about it. I thought it might fade, but it's been a few months now and I still get the same response. I've had extensive counselling about the workplace (and other things) but it hasn't worked to change that initial reaction. I keep reminding myself what his wife and kids must be going through, but even that doesn't work. It's always an after-thought that comes a minute after the panic/relief. It's almost like a fight-or-flight reaction, in the sense that it feels virtually instinctive and out of my control.

Has anyone been through similar? How do I stop being this awful person?

So sorry for all you've been through.

Please try to be kind to yourself. Feeling relieved that he can't hurt you any more is totally normal. Please try and discuss this with your therapist as very low self self esteem can be a symptom of trauma and PTSD. Your brain is trying to make sense of why this happened and it can be easier on some levels to believe that you deserve these things than to believe that life is random and people can unfortunately be arseholes. I had EMDR and it changed my life. It helps your brain put past events in the past where they belong. I really hope you can get some sessions

Your moral Worth is not about how you feel, it's about how you act. If you were to go to his widow and insult him, yes that would be awful, and morally reprehensible.
There is a lot of choice about how to act, but feelings are different.if we try to control then we end up in knots of guilt ( I do understand, I have a Catholic background).
Forgive yourself for having this totally reasonable response.
The words "should" and "ought" are useful here, if you find yourself thinking you should feel a certain way, or you ought to have more empathy, or whatever, well that's a signal that you are not being forgiving enough to yourself, not showing enough compassion to yourself.
So you could have more empathy, not you should. And in this case I'm not sure you need to.

You are far from awful, if anything you're being too nice, you needn't have one shred of guilt for your feelings.

Plus I find it hard to imagine such a nasty person was great at home either, whatever the public face of things, it's entirely possible that his wife is living a happier life now.

OP, your feelings about this dead guy are not wrong or bad. Your guilt at your perfectly normal reaction, however, is unhealthy.

What harm are you doing by being relieved this man is dead?

His family can grieve just the same, however you feel. Their feelings are not your responsibility.

You can have compassion and empathy for his wife and child - and you clearly do - and still think he's a totally awful person and be relieved that he's dead. They're not mutually exclusive and you're not awful for feeling relieved that a man who caused such pain to you can't do it any longer, to you or anyone else.

I think it's perfectly normal to feel relief that's he gone after the way he has treated you.

An ex-boyfriend of mine died about 4 years ago in his early 30's. At the end of our relationship I found out he had been seeing his ex the whole time we had been together, and because we worked together it made my work so awkward and tense that eventually I had to leave (he had been there longer than I had and had a lot of friends there, so everyone kind of took his side so as to speak). I didn't feel sad when I found out he had died.

Oh, OP, please don't feel guilty. You sound lovely. You have compassion for his family. Maybe they saw a better side of him. Maybe they didn't. It's entirely possible, in fact, I'd say likely, that he was something of a bully outside work too. I understand a little of what you have been through. I endured a lengthy period of bullying at work and honestly don't know, looking back, how I stopped myself from going under completely. It can be, and in you case, clearly was, utterly unbearable and would destroying. The dread, sick feeling going into work each morning. It was years ago but I still remember it vividly. Please consider talking to your doctor with a view to counselling to help you come to terms with this horrible experience.

soul destroying not would...

guilty I just want to echo what others have said. Your reaction is normal and doesn't say anything about you lacking empathy etc...

What it says is that you are relieved to know you will never cross paths with this man. Look at how much stress and anxiety this group of people are still creating for you. This is one person less that you will never have to see. Ever. And therefore one less source of stress. This is even more important as he was the ring leader in all that.

I have felt similar too and the relief of knowing that this person will never ever be able to have a go at me, will never be able to hurt me again, will never cross my way again was immense.
It doesn't mean Ive wanted that person dead. It just means that I never wanted to see them again and that I wanted to feel safe from them.

Op, you are a nicer person than me. When I heard my former workplace bully had died I walked around the house by myself singing an inappropriate song that day! I've never shared my thoughts with anyone I know from work or anyone else that knows me but I couldn't even pretend to feel sorry about his death to myself. I think what you are feeling is an important part of the healing process.

You did not wish him dead.
You feel sorry for his family.
And you feel utter, utter relief that he can no longer hurt you.

All of those are perfectly normal and reasonable reactions, including the last reaction. You have done nothing wrong, you are not a horrible person, and you don't need to feel bad.

Yanbu to feel that way about the nasty former colleague's death.

Whether or not you had mental health help at the time it'd be a good idea to seek help now, given the difficult symptoms you're still experiencing.

I hope that in time and with more work I will be able to be a more compassionate person

You dont need to feel compassion for someone that treated you the way he did though. Its not normal. You wouldn't do it if he was alive so why feel it just now because hes dead (which had nothing to do with you)?

But I don't know what to do about it.

Perhaps you could come to accept that your mixed reactions are perfectly reasonable. I think others in your position might not be as compassionate (thinking of his wife and family).

It also seems perfectly ok to recognise that relief forms part of your reaction.

Whenever someone dies young or unexpectedly, they're always 'the most amazing person, so loving, so kind' etc etc. As if it's only lovely people who die tragically. It's not.

fruit - that's exactly it, I feel like this is a hugely taboo thing to say, think, or feel - that I am relieved that someone is dead. I am so grateful to hear that I'm not alone in feeling conflicted. Every time it happens, I think of his two children and it makes me feel terrible, like I am glad about the worst thing that can possibly happen to two little ones. Even in my worst moments with him, I didn't understand why he was doing what he was doing with the bullying, and I wanted it to stop, but I never, ever wished him dead. And yet now that has happened, it feels like I must have done, deep down, or I wouldn't feel relieved.

I wonder if it is relevant that I come from quite a difficult/violent background. I keep seeing the story in the news about Susan Wynne-Willson, and while my mother wasn't quite as bad, there are several things in that story that she did also do to me growing up - things that were physically painful, humiliating, and very, very controlling. (It wasn't my mother's fault, though, she was physically and mentally ill and couldn't cope with a strong and energetic child). The thing that got me through was having a very, very strong nad loyal group of friends at school - I was popular and never really bullied, and this continued in my adult life - I am positive, upbeat, I love meeting people, I love my friends. I try to see the best in people, and I am usually the one brokering peace when there is a fight in my social circle. I don't think of myself as someone who usually struggles socially. So when this same bullying behaviour happened at work, in this very dysfunctional place, I didn't really have any experience to draw on except really bad memories from quite deep in the past. I'm not trying to make excuses for my reaction (I own it and take responsibility for it), but I wonder if this is partly why I feel the way I do?

Sorry for wittering! I don't mean to drip feed either, it's just I had never really connected these two things before, partly because I haven't really wanted to think about the panic/relief due to shame.

You're not wittering. You're figuring things out.

And honestly, you're a far nicer person than me.

When my evil grandad died, I was thrilled. When my utterly vile uncle died I thought good fucking riddance, and he had young children.

And they were better off anyway, imo, not having to grow up with that influence in their lives!

youve got nothing to feel bad about. Id be dancing on his grave.

You sound lovely and normal. When you have been traumatised in such a way, you continue to experience all sorts of feelings and emotions. Perhaps you need more therapy to free your self from being under this awful cloud. You've not done anything wrong. Don't give your self such a hard time.

You don't sound awful.
Ive been where you are.
I wouldn't feel bad at all!