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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let our DD choose her own 6th Form

76 replies

JandLandG · 08/09/2017 09:08

Ok, DD a good girl, just turned 16, did pretty well in GCSEs this summer.

Her school is fine but could be better.

We went to a 6th form open evening at another local school. Clearly better academically. She is doing academic subjects for A level.

A good girl, but a bit reticent socially and hides behind her friends ifykwim...all fair enough for a youngster, of course.

We think that changing school would be better academically and help move her on socially.

She wants to stay in her comfort zone at her old school.

Again, fair enough....but this is the crunch week to choose....how far should we go to "force" her to change schools and go for the better education and a chance to "re-invent herself" at the new place?

Its a losing battle at the moment for us.

She's staying put having tried both school this week.

Obviously, we've always wanted the best for her...but in the past when she's been a child, it was easier to make choices for her..

Now she's older...is she old enough to decide this? MAture enough? Seeing the bigger picture enough?

So that's our dilemma this week. Should we/could we "force" her to change school to get a "better" long-term outcome?

Obviously we don't that would be the case...we can't tell the future...but seriously, it would be better for her to change schools. Grrrrrrrr!!!!! :-)

Any thoughts/experience/advice much appreciated.

We're so massively lucky that this is the extent of our problems at the moment....we appreciate that, but this is what is exercising us now...

Thank you

OP posts:

velocitygir1 · 08/09/2017 09:10

Personally, from experience she needs to be where she is happy. That's the most important thing.
Being miserable is not going to help her work to the best of her ability.

I wish her loads of luck.

BarbarianMum · 08/09/2017 09:12

I think at 16 the final decision is hers. Sorry. I'm guessing you've made your preference and the reasons behind it clear to her - now you need to let her choose.

Lovingmybear2 · 08/09/2017 09:13

Hi op our last just left 6 th form.

I would totally let her choose. She's 16 so friendships firmly entrenched, she knows the school and the teachers.

If you move her against her will, and I can't really see how you could, she may go completely backwards and stop working and he very unhappy.

Support her to do her best in her familiar surroundings.

The other school may be academically better but if your dd doesn't want to be there she won't achieve. Honestly let her decide and support her decision.

titchy · 08/09/2017 09:14

I can't believe you're even contemplating NOT letting her make the decision....

Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 08/09/2017 09:15

I would let her choose, you can sell her the benefits of the new school, but ultimately I think at that age it should be her choice. If she isn't happy somewhere she won't perform.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 08/09/2017 09:15

I think it should be her decision too. I chose my own 6th form. It was much, much less academic than where I was. My parents reluctantly agreed. Got the same grades I would have done anyway (I suspect) and made one of my best friends there.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 08/09/2017 09:15

It may be better for you for her to change schools, not necessarily for her. This needs to be her choice, you can guide and advise her but she needs to steer the ship.

AlexanderHamilton · 08/09/2017 09:17

She needs to bevwhere she is happy.

I've just moved ds from one of the best schools in the area with fantastic results to another school.

He's finding the work really easy but the difference in his mental health is astonishing.

Porpoises · 08/09/2017 09:18

Will her friends definitely still be at her current school? Are they a long term stable and nice group?

Assuming yes, i guess it depends on the scale of the difference academically. But don't underestimate how important it is to have a hood friendship group. A levels are hard, and good social support will really help her results and her confidence, as well as of course her happiness.

Ttbb · 08/09/2017 09:20

If she hasn't the good sense to pick the better school she probably isn't ready to makethesekindsofdecusions. She sounds overly timid and needs to learn a bit of resilience. Make her go.

Lovingmybear2 · 08/09/2017 09:22

I know from my dds and older dss a tight friendship group is a huge bonus to helping kids get through A levels. She's not a kid op.

Glumglowworm · 08/09/2017 09:22

Of course it's her choice

I chose my own sixth form as did all my friends (high school only went up to year 11 so just staying on wasn't an option).

She will do better somewhere that she's happy. You need to back off and stop even contemplating "forcing" her to do what you want her to do in this.

Lovingmybear2 · 08/09/2017 09:23

she sounds overly timid and needs a bit of resiliamce

Wow that sounds like bullying to me

JustDanceAddict · 08/09/2017 09:24

I'm in a similar quandary where my DD is in year 11 but wants to change from her school at sixth form to a college or another school, both of which are very different from where she is now. There isn't much choice - she has choice of 4 places to apply to - her current school being third place (before she's seen anywhere else, open days are in November).
She is an academic child who works very hard and is also reticent socially, but has a few good friends where she is who will probably stay put. If she moves, she will know a few vaguely, but essentially will be starting from scratch socially.
My idea is that we look at that together and have a mature(!) discussion, although she can have final say as it's her life and I won't get the blame if it goes to shit!!!
I think 15/16 is an age where they can decide themselves, whereas at 10/11 for secondary choice they would be more likely to decide on quality of school dinners for example!!!

hjublen · 08/09/2017 09:25

I think you need to let her choose as long as the current school is good enough for her to get good results (if she's done well at GCSEs it is). As others have said if she isn't happy she won't do well and it's a big step up from GCSE to A levels. Also if she's academic it's only a year till she'll be choosing universities which should definitely be her choice.

sashh · 08/09/2017 09:27

I was forced to go to a VI form I din't want to. I spent lower VI being miserable and upper wandering around town instead.

JustDanceAddict · 08/09/2017 09:27

Ps: and in your Dds case I think if she's happy where she is, she should stay put. Does she want to 'reinvent' herself socially or do you want that for her? She can do that at uni if she wants - plenty do!

CancellyMcChequeface · 08/09/2017 09:28

It should absolutely be her decision. You've done your part by encouraging her to consider the other school. She's at an age where she needs to take responsibility for her own education - it's a big step up from GCSE and she'll need to put a lot of work in, and it'll help if she isn't somewhere that she feels she was 'forced' to go.

Also, if she is very shy/lacking in confidence, then sending her the message that she's too immature and incapable to even decide where to study is likely to reinforce this. Maybe she's happy where she is and doesn't want to 're-invent' herself?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 08/09/2017 09:45

Her decision, you've made your feelings clear, now leave it up to her. 16 is too old to be making these decisions for her.

My two have just started 6th form at their school - I wanted them to stay on but we viewed other options. Left it completely to them, after telling them my thoughts.

DT2 came home last night saying she hated it and apparently 'I forced her to stay on there'. Can't win with some teens.

Original poster

JandLandG · 08/09/2017 09:46

wow...that was quick! thanks so much for your thoughts.

you're all right, of course...she should should choose...definitely she should, of course.

its just a shame we've not been able to persuade her to make a different choice and move onwards and upwards.

I think we're right to try to win the argument, but, we'll be backing off this weekend...unless a miracle turnaround happens today. :-)

she does have friends there, of course, but some are moving on.

anyway, the schools are barely a mile apart...it'll be so easy to keep in touch

yes, the current school's good enough....but why not risk it for a biscuit???...the old school's sixth form is new and doesn't have the reputation and status with universities that the other place does.

the new place is academically more ambitious...which will suit her.

and an opportunity to re-invent herself from the yr 7 self she's still seen as by many, I suspect.

the 3 above are our arguments and reasoning in essence.

i'd never force her, of course, but I just wish she'd see sense and move out of her comfort zone.

an easy choice, path of least resistence etc is not always the correct choice, I think we'll all agree

anyway, bollocks to it...all good, we're so bloody lucky...

thanks again for all responses

OP posts:

RebeccaWrongDaily · 08/09/2017 09:46

My eldest DS was swayed to move by the VI form being mixed, near to the city centre, not having a crazy 'suits as uniform rule' and also, that the teachers at VI form weren't looking at the kids as 11 year olds - they were meeting them and treating them as adults.

Best thing he did. really matured and made new friends easily as all in same boat and did fabulously well at A'Level and then degree. Easier to find a new tribe when you are all in the same boat.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/09/2017 09:47

If the school she was in was absolutely hopeless I'd say you had a stronger case. As it is, unless there is anything you are not divulging, the school is fine, she likely knows the teachers and they know her and she is not being bullied, is comfortable and is doing OK. I'd leave well enough alone unless she has some sort of post-school goal that the new school would mean she was more likely to reach - i.e. was specialist in some way or offered more of a chance of getting into a course / university than the current school.

yellowutka · 08/09/2017 09:47

She needs to choose, you are no longer in a position to choose things for her or engineer her social life, she is 16. I still remember friends from 6th form whose parents had chosen their subjects for them. They did shite, and who could be surprised? Only their parents, apparently...

Original poster

JandLandG · 08/09/2017 09:50

my only qualm is that in 2/5/25 years, I really really really don't want her looking at me thinking "why didn't you make me change schools at 16?????!!!!"

the end outcome is all important and our job as parents is to advise and guide and get the best outcome possible, isn't it?

you can see what our dilemma is: if she gets mediocre a levels and goes to mediocre university and acruues big debts doing so, she might well rue the day...

who knows....

OP posts:

Roomster101 · 08/09/2017 09:52

I think that unless safety is an issue, when they are 16 they should make their own choices and own mistakes. Therefore all you should do is advise. Don't try to force her.

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