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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let our DD choose her own 6th Form

76 replies

JandLandG · 08/09/2017 09:08

Ok, DD a good girl, just turned 16, did pretty well in GCSEs this summer.

Her school is fine but could be better.

We went to a 6th form open evening at another local school. Clearly better academically. She is doing academic subjects for A level.

A good girl, but a bit reticent socially and hides behind her friends ifykwim...all fair enough for a youngster, of course.

We think that changing school would be better academically and help move her on socially.

She wants to stay in her comfort zone at her old school.

Again, fair enough....but this is the crunch week to choose....how far should we go to "force" her to change schools and go for the better education and a chance to "re-invent herself" at the new place?

Its a losing battle at the moment for us.

She's staying put having tried both school this week.

Obviously, we've always wanted the best for her...but in the past when she's been a child, it was easier to make choices for her..

Now she's older...is she old enough to decide this? MAture enough? Seeing the bigger picture enough?

So that's our dilemma this week. Should we/could we "force" her to change school to get a "better" long-term outcome?

Obviously we don't that would be the case...we can't tell the future...but seriously, it would be better for her to change schools. Grrrrrrrr!!!!! :-)

Any thoughts/experience/advice much appreciated.

We're so massively lucky that this is the extent of our problems at the moment....we appreciate that, but this is what is exercising us now...

Thank you

OP posts:

YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/09/2017 09:55

What does she want to do ... or more to the point will her current school facilitate what it is she wants to do post school? What are her odds?

cakecakecheese · 08/09/2017 09:57

The phrase 'sees sense and move out of her comfort zone' isn't really accurate though is it, technically staying with what you know can be the the sensible choice compared to something completely alien which could be a risk. I do get how you want her to challenge herself though but she'll have plenty of opportunities to be out of her comfort zone, part time jobs, university if she goes.

AldiAisleOfCrap · 08/09/2017 09:57

I do not know any parents who let their dc decide. Listen to their opinion yes but the final choice lies with the parents.
I think some people forget why dc have parents who are responsible for them until age 18.

Roomster101 · 08/09/2017 09:59

my only qualm is that in 2/5/25 years, I really really really don't want her looking at me thinking "why didn't you make me change schools at 16?????!!!!"

She is much more likely to blame you if you force her to do something and that turns out to be a mistake. Once DD was over 16 I advised her (quite strongly sometimes) but let her know that ultimately it is her life and therefore she can make the final decision. If she doesn't take my advice and it turns out to be a mistake then it will be her mistake, not mine.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/09/2017 10:00

Mine didn't let me decide until I had a massive meltdown and involved the school. As it turned out I was right^ and they did not ultimately have my best interests at heart.

Roomster101 · 08/09/2017 10:01

I do not know any parents who let their dc decide. Listen to their opinion yes but the final choice lies with the parents.

Really? Did you have children over the age of 16? Parents intervene if safety is an issue at that age obviously but I don't know anyone who would insist their child went to a school they didn't want to go to. That is a recipe for disaster.

AlexanderHamilton · 08/09/2017 10:03

Really Aldi - I don't know anyone who doesn't letvtheir child decide.

Dd has just started year 11. We attended a meeting with school last year about 6th form options. We've drawn up a shortlist (we are in the position to be able to consider both state & private, academic & vocational)

Dd has knocked a few options off the shortlist which to be honest would be my preferred choices. The only veto I will have is that one of her private options is a considerable distance & would involve boarding which we can't afford unless she was to be given a considerable bursary.

I think her state option should be a local FE College for A levels. She disagrees & wants to apply for a btec in dance/musical theatre.

Her choice.

GladAllOver · 08/09/2017 10:05

You have told your daughter what you think. Your duty now is to let her make the decision and support her totally whatever it is.

AldiAisleOfCrap · 08/09/2017 10:06

Sixth form choice will affect dc future ,of course their opinion is important. But to let them choose a poor school to stay with friends is wrong.

nosyupnorth · 08/09/2017 10:08

if she wants to reinvent herself and expand her social circle then wait and let her do it at uni since you've said she plans on going - she'll be in with a whole bunch of people in the same boat and looking to make friends

if you send her to a sixth form attached to a school she's going to be thrown in as an outsider among people who've been together for five or more years and have established friendship groups and years of history and inside jokes
even the most outgoing person would need to take time to settle in a situation like that and if she's a little timid and attached to her current friend group i suspect she's more likely to find the experience a knock to her confidence and end up feeling like an interloper
she won't be fully part of the group of her old friends if they're together all the time and she's not, but she'll be stuck being the new girl among her peers at the new school.
speaking from grim experience, it's a recipe for ending up isolated and even less confident than she is to begin with.

if there were a drastic difference between the schools then i could understand taking the academically advantageous choice and just toughing it out, but from what you've said her present school is okay if not great, and at this age of moving from child to adult social development is really important and you want to be building her confidence not overruling her decisions like she's a little child and pulling her away from her friends

GladAllOver · 08/09/2017 10:10

I do not know any parents who let their dc decide. Listen to their opinion yes but the final choice lies with the parents.

How old do your DC have to be before you let them start to grow up and learn to choose their own way in life?

Lovingmybear2 · 08/09/2017 10:12

Aldi

I don't know any parent so domineering that they wouldn't help and advise a 16 year old but ultimately let them decide In this instance.

I did meet people in nursing school back in the day who had suffered from very strict parents and went completely off the rails at 18 when they were 'free'

Lovingmybear2 · 08/09/2017 10:13

nosy very well put and this in a nutshell

AldiAisleOfCrap · 08/09/2017 10:21

Is not domineering how silly. It's called being a parent not a best friend.

Lovingmybear2 · 08/09/2017 10:25

Aldi

No it's called domineering on this instance.

The school is good, the girl is happy and succeeding with a good friendship base. She's 16 not 6!

Ignoring her wishes and forcing her to change schools is ridiculous parenting in my view.

How old are your children though? Do you have children?

PollyFlint · 08/09/2017 10:27

my only qualm is that in 2/5/25 years, I really really really don't want her looking at me thinking "why didn't you make me change schools at 16?????!!!!"

Would you prefer she looked at you and thought "Why did you force me into that horrible experience of changing schools for no good reason, making me miserable and anxious at one of the most important times in my life, when I could have been really happy? Why did you want me to 'reinvent' myself into someone I'm not? Wasn't I good enough for you?"

You're really trying to mould your daughter into what you want her to be instead of just letting her be herself. You seem to want her to be more outgoing. Why? There's no shame in being shy and reticent, you know. That's her personality. Love her for it.

Your talk of her wanting her to reinvent herself honestly feels really quite unpleasant to me and I strongly suspect she has picked up on your desire to make her into something she's not, which won't help her self-esteem at all.

You said her current school is OK, and she's academic. If she's a smart girl, which she clearly is, she'll do well at A-level wherever she is. Let her decide and let her be happy.

Lovingmybear2 · 08/09/2017 10:28

You need to be moving from being the parent who decides to being the parent who advice by 16.

If you don't you can see the concequences on here
threads about controlling domineering parents and inlaws time and again who still think they have a right to control grown up kids.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 08/09/2017 10:29

I know many many 16 year olds, and none of them have had their 6th form/college chosen by a parent this summer!!

We've all advised and guided but the ultimate decision is theirs.

Lovingmybear2 · 08/09/2017 10:30

a chance to reinvent herself

Poor kid

KityGlitr · 08/09/2017 10:31

You say that it'd be a chance to reinvent herself... does she know you think that? If I were her that'd come across like my parents thought the way I was was defective in some way and I needed to change... Maybe she's happy with who she is?

I agree with others, she's sixteen, almost an adult so she has to make this decision for herself. She's the one who's going to be affected by it. Her happiness at the sixth form will have as much of an impact on her grades as how 'academic' the school is. If she's smart she'll do well at either.

I'd be pretty furious if at 16 my parents were still trying to make decisions like this for me. Good you've decided to back off and let her decide. This period of her life might feel like the be all and end all that will dictate her entire future but that's not necessarily true. I did well at school (well, I did okay... I got at least C in all my GCSEs and a few A*s in the subjects I loved but put little effort in) and bombed out of college with one A level D, took a gap year, got into uni via clearing and did a degree, later a MA thanks to the degree, and a further post grad. I'm under 30 and earning a cracking wage doing a professional job I adore that's set me up for life. Bombing out of college wasn't the end of the road for me, and it doesn't even sound like you feel that's a risk for her, just that she wants to choose one sixth form over another!

Witchend · 08/09/2017 10:32

I would say it is ultimately her choice (and it was for dd1 who's off to 6th form this year) however I would sit down with her and get her to write down pros and cons of both.
Then discuss them: Are any of the cons solvable. Are any of the pros not really counting.
Then let her make her own decision.

With dd1 I was fairly certain that moving would be better. Dh wasn't sure. Dd1 at this point last year was definitely not moving. But was happy to look round. By the time the offers came through she wasn't sure, and by the time the exams were happening, she was pretty certain that she wanted to move. I never told her I thought it would be better, as I knew she needed to be happy about where she went.

I moved and parents choice in the 6th form. I wasn't forced, but they put a lot of pressure to move. I went from a tight group of friends, and many more in the wider circle, and having a teacher for two subjects (maths and further maths) I wasn't keen on, plus able to do technical drawing as an A-level subject to a school which had few newcomers and a made a few superficial friends that I haven't really kept up with, better maths teaching, but wasn't able to do TD, so only did 3 A-levels.

I got to where I wanted to be academically, and I don't know I would have from my first school. Oxbridge maths, which they hadn't got a particularly good record.

I still don't know whether it was the right decision. If I'd still have got to where I wanted, then it would definitely be the wrong one. If I wouldn't have, I wouldn't be where I am today (met dh at uni for example).

What I would say though is if she makes the "wrong" decision for you, do not throw it back at her. One of the main reasons why I agreed to move was I knew that every time things went wrong dm/df would say "well, if you'd gone to X..."
Now when I got to the new school, a lot of the things they thought the new one was brilliant about it wasn't true. they were very good at window dressing, but didn't really care about the pupils. So bear in mind what you are seeing isn't necessarily the reality.

Showandtell · 08/09/2017 10:34

This happened to dd - we let her move.

I don't regret it at all she is much happier BUT....

she didnt get AMAZING gcses - As and Bs, one C.

At the new 6th form She STRUGGLED with the academic subjects at A level plus sitting between two guys who both got 13 A*s and flew absolutely knocked her confidence.

So I would be very careful in choosing her subjects particuarly as moving will be an upheaval.

Showandtell · 08/09/2017 10:35

sorry just seen she;s happy where she is.
then absolutely stay where she is!!

daisypond · 08/09/2017 10:38

Has she actually been offered a place at the new school?

titchy · 08/09/2017 10:38

reputation and status with universities

Trust me OP - not one university will give a shiny shit about which sixth form she attended - schools do not have any reputation or status with universities - whatever they might try and tell you.

If she did OK at GCSE at this school then there's no reason why she shouldn't continue that trajectory at the same school.

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