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Original poster

WTF would you do, if you were me

52 replies

MollyWantsACracker · 07/09/2017 20:38

I'm 47. I'm slim, fit, reasonably clever, good-looking ("for my age")
I have a good-ish job in an interesting place
I'm in a dead marriage. We live under the same roof, parent, get along fine.
I feel like I don't want to live any more.
I just don't see much of a point, apart from upsetting people for a bit. Well in truth I don't want to damage my children
everyone else would (apart from my lovely sister) be ok.

At what point though. Do you just.

I know there are people out there, clinging to life by any means available. Suffering through all sorts of pain. Amazing people.

I'm not amazing. I'm not amazing. There's nothing wrong with me that you can point to.

For me, I just feel dead inside, that I have no hope for joy any more. And there's no point.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/09/2017 20:39

You need to see your gp. Much of what you're describing fits with clinical depression.

hahahaIdontgetit · 07/09/2017 20:40

Why wouldn't you leave the marriage instead?

Dead marriages are no good for anyone, talk to your husband, maybe try counselling, but ultimately if you need to leave for your own mental health and happiness no-one can make you stay.

Feellikehell · 07/09/2017 20:42

Hi Molly

I'm really sorry you're feeling so low. Have you been to see your GP?

I don't mean to sound glib but this sounds like depression. One of the sneaky things about it is that it manages to convince you things will never get any better and you may as well give up. That's just not true. The one constant thing about life is that things always hangs - for good and bad.

Please go and see your GP. Give it time. Be kind to yourself Flowers

Peanutbuttercheese · 07/09/2017 20:43

Could it just be the boredom of a ltr, or do you know what the really deep issues are?

AfunaMbatata · 07/09/2017 20:43

See your GP and leave the marriage.

HateIsNotGood · 07/09/2017 20:45

I think that most people feel like that sometimes, irrespective of their situation - some days it just all looks so bleak doesn't it? And then we measure our lives on a scale that reads zero to nothing and place it against some imaginary scale that just shines with happiness and fulfillment. And then without really realizing it the very same scene and life carries different hues and imaginary scales, it seems a bit brighter and we catch ourselves laughing.

PurpleDaisies · 07/09/2017 20:47

hate not everyone is able to recover without help.

Op you really should see your gp.

allegretto · 07/09/2017 20:47

Im guessing you think that nobody could say or do anything that would make you feel any different. But they can. Please go and see your GP, it's not normal to feel like this.

ghostyslovesheets · 07/09/2017 20:47

Please OP www.samaritans.org/ talk to them

they saved my life once Flowers

and see your GP - you deserve support and you are worthy of love x

Quirkydamsel · 07/09/2017 20:49

Don't leave your marriage or do anything drastic my dear just get to the GP asap and they will sort you out. I am so sorry my dear you sound clinically depressed and need help badly. It could be from something as simple as a thyroid disorder or a start of the menopause (because God knows it is not easy) Good luck Op , don't do anything you may well regret leave any big decisions until you feel more yourself.

HateIsNotGood · 07/09/2017 20:50

Just want to say I'm not trying to reduce your feeling just trying to add some empathy.

My life is so opposite in circumstance to yours but I see it like you do sometimes. I let it ride through me because I know it won't always be like it. What keeps me going is an end-phase goal, in this case the end of this Academic Year, Yr 11 for son. But that is only my example and I'm sure you have your own to look ahead for.

MrsDoylesTeabags · 07/09/2017 20:53

Please go to see your GP Molly, this sounds like depression, but that feeling of dispair can also be the start of menopause.
I recognise that horrible feeling and when you're deep into it it can feel like there's no way out, but with support you can get through this Flowers

RiseToday · 07/09/2017 20:57

You're in a dead marriage - that is your problem.

Don't underestimate how much an unfulfilling relationship can decimate your mental health.

Can you tell us a little more about your marriage situation please?

Original poster
MollyWantsACracker · 07/09/2017 21:01

Thank you lovely mnetters - but my marriage is really quite dead. We sleep in seperate rooms. We have been apart as a couple for some time.

I have had another relationship (all agreed with H - no sneaking around) and its all fallen on its arse. I'm not looking for sympathy.
The marriage was dodgy, but we were and continue to be good parents.
It's all so shit. It is really all so shit.
I just cant see where to go from here

OP posts:
RiseToday · 07/09/2017 21:07

Do you want to stay with your husband? I do appreciate it's not an easy thing to walk away from a long term marriage, but just ask yourself that question.

Also, I know your husband knew about the other relationship but honestly, I just don't think that kind of arrangement can realistically work if you're still technically married to someone else. How did you feel before the other relationship ended? Were you happy or did you still feel this way?

HateIsNotGood · 07/09/2017 21:07

Maybe time to go it alone with no partner? Shared parenting and cut the deadwood relationships - all that time focused on the unnecessary could be time and thoughts better used.

Thanks for coming back to us OP - we''d all be worrying otherwise.

mummmy2017 · 07/09/2017 21:07

Life being on your own and paying all the Bills is not as great as you think.
How old are your Children, because if you can just go out and do things till your children are grown and leave for uni , or start work, then might be the time to talk to your husband about both of you moving on so you can both start new lifes, if that is what you decide in the end.
Maybe plan a holiday or something new like a hobby or collage course to make your circle of friends wider.

PacificDogwod · 07/09/2017 21:07

Molly Thanks

Take a deep breath.

If you want to speak to a human being tonight call the Samaritans. They are very good at what they do.

Tomorrow, pick up the phone and make an appointment for your GP. Be very honest with them when you see them.

Assuming you are in England, contact Relate- they can provide couple's counselling or counselling for you alone.
There is nothing more lonely than being lonely in a relationship.

What age are your children?
Has your extra-marital relationship stopped recently?

DozeyTwonk · 07/09/2017 21:08

Hi - sorry your are feeling so hopeless. I felt similar a couple of years ago at about age 48 and realised that it was menopause. No other symptoms. I am on HRT and its made a massive difference to my outlook on life and feel that I have a future now. Get to your GP and talk it through.

scoobydoo1971 · 07/09/2017 21:11

The boring routine and endless stress of mid-life can climb on top and drown you in a wave of helplessess and feelings of despair. Some people call it clinical depression, others call it failing marriage...others still query physical illness. No one here can tell you what to do - breaking up a marriage with kids is never easy and you could find yourself in despair as a single parent too. Go away for a few days without your husband if possible and give yourself head space to think about what you want to do. In the endless treadmill of life, it is hard to feel anything but burnout sometimes...you need to step off the daily grind and focus on you. Women are inherently bad at being selfish as they tend to look after others, but sometimes we need to take stock and reflect on what changes need to be made.

Miserylovescompany2 · 07/09/2017 21:16

That house you are currently existing within is sucking the life from you. You can be great parents separately.

I'll be brutally honest, I'm not surprised your recent relationship failed a) you sought your husbands approval b) you still live in the marital home.

a & b is fucked up - especially if you are actively pursuing a new relationship. No new love interest wants to be dragged into that - it ain't fair on anyone.

My advice - see GP - see solicitor - get ducks in a row - be honest with your family/DC and tell them this current living situation is making you ill.

BMW6 · 07/09/2017 21:17

OP - have you started the menopause yet? It could be this that is causing your depression.
You must see your GP - there is medication to alleviate your symptoms and they will help with the depression created by the hormone fluctuations.

Please get medical help asap.

Original poster
MollyWantsACracker · 07/09/2017 21:24

It's not the meno/peri pause
The marital relationship is dead. We will never have sex again. That is over.
We can't afford to separate. I've been trying to live. H doesn't go out.
I met someone lovely, and we fell in love. Ultimately I had too much baggge, he was younger, and it was all arse. Arse. Arse. Arse.

OP posts:
Original poster
MollyWantsACracker · 07/09/2017 21:27

Will a time come in my life, when I don't give a fuck If am loved. Will that day come? I so want a relationship like the one I just had.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 07/09/2017 21:29

How old are your DCs?

In what way can you not 'afford' to separate?
It does not sound like you can afford to stay together tbh.