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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

WTF would you do, if you were me

52 replies

MollyWantsACracker · 07/09/2017 20:38

I'm 47. I'm slim, fit, reasonably clever, good-looking ("for my age")
I have a good-ish job in an interesting place
I'm in a dead marriage. We live under the same roof, parent, get along fine.
I feel like I don't want to live any more.
I just don't see much of a point, apart from upsetting people for a bit. Well in truth I don't want to damage my children
everyone else would (apart from my lovely sister) be ok.

At what point though. Do you just.

I know there are people out there, clinging to life by any means available. Suffering through all sorts of pain. Amazing people.

I'm not amazing. I'm not amazing. There's nothing wrong with me that you can point to.

For me, I just feel dead inside, that I have no hope for joy any more. And there's no point.

OP posts:
Original poster
MollyWantsACracker · 07/09/2017 21:35

I've seen gps. My family know my marriage is destroyed.
They can't do anythng to help.
I can't move out to anything beyond a bed-sit and I'd be asking H to do the same. I can't.

This is the thing. The inescapable awfulness of it.

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 07/09/2017 21:36

Look what living/staying together is costing you? Children adjust - I bet they'd rather see their parents happy and seperate rather than faking it?

PacificDogwod · 07/09/2017 21:38

Happy in a bed-sit may be preferable to a desperately unhappy in a family home.

Ultimately only you can decide.

You sound very despondent.
I'd access some counselling to really look at your options rather than just see the obstacles.

Original poster
MollyWantsACracker · 07/09/2017 21:39

How the fuck do you turn around to your teenager and your pre-teen and say "well I'm not going to be liviing here any more and here's where I am"

Who has done that???????? waiting to hear

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/09/2017 21:39

I was prepared to do it, had researched house shares.

PurpleDaisies · 07/09/2017 21:40

molly, my parents split up. It wasn't that the end of the world. They were both much happier afterwards so I was too.

Italiangreyhound · 07/09/2017 21:40

PacificDogwod has some very good advice. Please take it. You can find happiness again, I feel sure. Thanks

Original poster
MollyWantsACracker · 07/09/2017 21:42

I'm talking about leaving the family home - ie leaving my children. I can't. I won't.

OP posts:
RiseToday · 07/09/2017 21:43

Do you currently own your home? Is there much equity in it? A divorce doesn't necessarily have to be costly if you are both amicable. You say you have a decent job, so even if you are not in a position to buy anything else, could you rent? Surely it doesn't have to be a bedsit?

How many children do you have and how old are they? I do understand the hopelessness that you feel, for different circumstances but I have been in the depths of depression myself, several times over the past 10 years, contemplated suicide etc. It's a truly awful way to live, I really do sympathise.

Would you consider therapy? I do think if you go to your GP they will likely chuck AD's at you, that's not to say they aren't incredibly helpful for some but I think a good therapist would be a better option in your case to try and help you navigate your way through this.

Do you talk to your husband at all? What is his view on your current situation or is he happy with the status quo?

Miserylovescompany2 · 07/09/2017 21:45

What do you think you'd be doing to them if you ceased living?

Original poster
MollyWantsACracker · 07/09/2017 21:45

Thank you xx

OP posts:
inkstainedmags · 07/09/2017 21:46

How the fuck do you turn around to your teenager and your pre-teen and say "well I'm not going to be liviing here any more and here's where I am"

If that's the only thing holding you back from moving out, I imagine your children would rather you living somewhere else than not living at all.

PacificDogwod · 07/09/2017 21:51

You say "Kids, I am deeply unhappy and things will need to change. I am/your father is moving out. We are still and will always be a family, but your father and I are no longer a couple."

They are very likely aware of far more than you would like to contemplate.
Children are perceptive.

RandomMess · 07/09/2017 21:53

Yes I was prepared to leave my DC (H was primary cater) it was awful but living with the status quo was killing me, was suicidal etc.

Orchid2017 · 07/09/2017 21:57

Would you not get some kind of housing benefit to help you to rent more than a bedsit, especially if your children come with you? Or why can't your husband move out and you claim tax credits?

Italiangreyhound · 07/09/2017 22:24

Molly why would you have to move out and leave the kids, could you and your husband find some amicable split.

Please see a GP. I think you really need to access some help. XXX Thanks

Sienna333 · 07/09/2017 22:31

I do know how you feel. Sometimes you just get tired of putting a brave face on things and feel like the struggle will never end. Please don't give in, hou sound like an amazing person. I know this doesn't help entirely but I relate and want you to know I and others care.

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 07/09/2017 23:04

Hi Molly,

We can see you're getting some really good advice and support here, but we just thought we'd post a few links to organisations which may be able to help you some more.

Please take a look at our Mental Health webguide which lists organisations such as Mind's Depression Alliance which can provide online support through its Friends In Need community. If you're feeling very low, you can always go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

We also have a Relationships webguide where you'll find links to organisations like Sorting Out Separation which has tools and information to help people considering or going through divorce or separation. Another useful charity is Only Mums which supports mums through separation and divorce and provides a free family law service nationwide.

We hope these links are helpful. Flowers

MiniMacaron · 07/09/2017 23:35

How are you doing Molly? Flowers I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Didn't want to read and run. Keep posting Flowers

Beadieeye · 08/09/2017 07:22

People split up all the time. The fear is real, it is daunting, but life goes on and it gets better.
You have nothing to lose, nothing, by doing what you need to do to escape the crushing emptiness of a dead relationship.
You're thinking of ending your life, end your marriage instead, or try anything else. Anything is preferable to the former.

Beadieeye · 08/09/2017 08:29

I've re-read what I've written, I didn't intend for it to sound dismissive or harsh, I'm sorry.
Merely echoing what others have said. Hope you're ok.

CurryInAHurry · 08/09/2017 08:47

Housing is a huge trap. I fully understand how one small family home does not add up to two two bedroom flats. London house prices and rents (in my case) make moving on impossible for many.

And of course Molly doesn't want to leave children behind!

Molly, so sorry things feel so bleak. And that your relationship ended.

Can you Throw yourself into your work as a temporary distraction from that pain? Take up running?

And, in due course, you could see a solicitor and a financial advisor and see what your options might be. They might be wider than you thought. No need to do anything now, but sometimes it helps to know that there are options / an escape route IF you ever decided to take it. A housing escape route, I mean.

I am glad you have seen your GP. Maybe think about counselling?

Do one thing that is nice, for yourself, each day.

Sorry if that sounds trite. Maybe it is. I have felt like you, and remember one day spending what seemed a lot on a beautiful bunch of tulips. That 's something I remember of that time.

Miserylovescompany2 · 08/09/2017 17:54

@MollyWantsACracker how are you doing today? I hope the fog of despair has lifted?

There is nothing worse than feeling trapped. Sometimes, you just need a fresh set of eyes or a different perspective. Or even just venting your frustrations and pain to folk who don't know you in real life. Even if it doesn't fix things.

I've read back what I posted yesterday - in hindsight - maybe I could of worded my posts differently? I apologise if they offended you Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 09/09/2017 16:17

@MollyWantsACracker

How are you doing today?

Can you find one small area of life that gives you hope? I'm relogiois )Christian, not very strict these days!) And it gives me peace amid life's storms. others may e joy exercise, gardening, painting etc. Find one thing that gives you peace.

Please get back on touch with yourself and finds eat forward.
Xxxxx Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 09/09/2017 16:19

Sorry that should say ... Please get back in touch with yourself and find a way forward.