Hello.
My daughter is in her early twenties and has a 3 yr old son. He is lovely and I love him to pieces. She has struggled financially and while she has a partner they do not earn much and paying for childcare was crippling them so I agreed to look after her son for 3 days per week 8am until 5pm, his other Nona also took care of him one day per week so they did not have to use paid childcare.
I retired early due to both ill health and needing to care for my own, at the time, very sick daughter. She is 14 now. She is severely autistic, nonverbal and is diagnosed with global developmental delay. At her last assessment at 10 she measured at having the mental age of a 2yr old. She can be aggressive and frequently bruises me and hurts me during meltdowns and has broken my finger in the past. I have methods to stop her meltdowns which include things that could be distressing for my grandson which include an alarm (I believe it's a rape alarm I bought it from amazon). This is the last resort to stop her from beating me.
My daughter attends a special needs school and leaves at 8:30am and returns home by 3:30pm. She is taken in a taxi that I pay for it was originally council funded (seperate issue and a long story).
When my grandson was here it was ok initially. The problems began about a fortnight in, after school. My grandson would upset my daughter by triggering her meltdowns. Sometimes perhaps on purpose (eg, she is territorial over some things and he would pick these things up despite being told not to touch and say "im taking this home. Nona says it's mine now" thinking I was out of earshot) it got to a point where the mere sight of my grandson would tip my daughter into meltdown. I would often be hurt in the process protecting my grandson. So I said to my daughter I'm sorry but starting from x date (around 3wks before that date) you cannot bring him here anymore. She cried and said I was a horrible mother which hurt me a lot as I love her and my grandson but if I cannot keep him safe or keep my own child happy I will not look after him.
The other issue is that while I looked after him I was often feeding him snacks in the morning as he was hungry, lunch and dinner. I do not have much money but I said to my daughter just give me 20 pounds a fortnight to cover this. It certainly would not cover it all as he added easily an extra 30 pounds a week or more to my spending in nappies (he is not yet toilet trained), food drinks, snacks and that does not include any days out I took him on which I fully accept is my cost to bear. She refused to pay this to me, she initially paid me some money (ten pounds) then said "don't make a habit of this I don't have money coming out of my ears" which upset me a lot as I know I was saving her about £350 a month in childcare of course I wouldn't ask for this but I think £20 per fortnight was perfectly reasonable. I don't see why I should give up what little time to myself I have and put myself into financial struggle as a thank you.
This was 3 months ago that I stopped looking after him.
Since she has cried on the phone to me saying childcare costs are hurting her financially. I said ok I will try again but you must arrive after daughter had gone to school and he must be gone when she is home. She agreed to this. Since, her or her partner bring grandson right after daughter leaves for school and grandson is then picked up by her partner or somebody else (sometimes partners sister sometimes his mother). What I have issue with is the cost of having this child and also the fact my daughters partner or my daughter will sometimes arrive early sometimes by an hour so I am back to square one with playing referee between my daughter and grandson. He is so small and my daughter can physically overwhelm me I worry he would be hurt or worse and I cannot bare that I also know my daughter would blame me if her son was hurt.
I feel very disrespected that she does not listen to me or work within the limits I set because I am really doing her a favour which I do not mind as such but the disrespect is hurtful. I'm also saddened that she would rather see me struggle because I now have an extra mouth to feed.
Her son is also quite fussy and has an unhealthy diet which is down to her parenting but if I try to make him eat anything healthy of course I get a tantrum which is ok kids are kids and I dealt with it too but she shouts at me if I try to feed him something he does not like.
I don't want to look after him anymore but I want to know if it is reasonable to do this to my daughter as I know she will scream and shout at me and I will be the worst mother in the world in her eyes.
I know this forum has a reputation for being honest and sometimes too honest please be honest but kind as I feel very frustrated and hurt at the moment