Daughter and childcare

[Remy66]

Hello.
My daughter is in her early twenties and has a 3 yr old son. He is lovely and I love him to pieces. She has struggled financially and while she has a partner they do not earn much and paying for childcare was crippling them so I agreed to look after her son for 3 days per week 8am until 5pm, his other Nona also took care of him one day per week so they did not have to use paid childcare.

I retired early due to both ill health and needing to care for my own, at the time, very sick daughter. She is 14 now. She is severely autistic, nonverbal and is diagnosed with global developmental delay. At her last assessment at 10 she measured at having the mental age of a 2yr old. She can be aggressive and frequently bruises me and hurts me during meltdowns and has broken my finger in the past. I have methods to stop her meltdowns which include things that could be distressing for my grandson which include an alarm (I believe it's a rape alarm I bought it from amazon). This is the last resort to stop her from beating me.

My daughter attends a special needs school and leaves at 8:30am and returns home by 3:30pm. She is taken in a taxi that I pay for it was originally council funded (seperate issue and a long story).
When my grandson was here it was ok initially. The problems began about a fortnight in, after school. My grandson would upset my daughter by triggering her meltdowns. Sometimes perhaps on purpose (eg, she is territorial over some things and he would pick these things up despite being told not to touch and say "im taking this home. Nona says it's mine now" thinking I was out of earshot) it got to a point where the mere sight of my grandson would tip my daughter into meltdown. I would often be hurt in the process protecting my grandson. So I said to my daughter I'm sorry but starting from x date (around 3wks before that date) you cannot bring him here anymore. She cried and said I was a horrible mother which hurt me a lot as I love her and my grandson but if I cannot keep him safe or keep my own child happy I will not look after him.
The other issue is that while I looked after him I was often feeding him snacks in the morning as he was hungry, lunch and dinner. I do not have much money but I said to my daughter just give me 20 pounds a fortnight to cover this. It certainly would not cover it all as he added easily an extra 30 pounds a week or more to my spending in nappies (he is not yet toilet trained), food drinks, snacks and that does not include any days out I took him on which I fully accept is my cost to bear. She refused to pay this to me, she initially paid me some money (ten pounds) then said "don't make a habit of this I don't have money coming out of my ears" which upset me a lot as I know I was saving her about £350 a month in childcare of course I wouldn't ask for this but I think £20 per fortnight was perfectly reasonable. I don't see why I should give up what little time to myself I have and put myself into financial struggle as a thank you.

This was 3 months ago that I stopped looking after him.
Since she has cried on the phone to me saying childcare costs are hurting her financially. I said ok I will try again but you must arrive after daughter had gone to school and he must be gone when she is home. She agreed to this. Since, her or her partner bring grandson right after daughter leaves for school and grandson is then picked up by her partner or somebody else (sometimes partners sister sometimes his mother). What I have issue with is the cost of having this child and also the fact my daughters partner or my daughter will sometimes arrive early sometimes by an hour so I am back to square one with playing referee between my daughter and grandson. He is so small and my daughter can physically overwhelm me I worry he would be hurt or worse and I cannot bare that I also know my daughter would blame me if her son was hurt.

I feel very disrespected that she does not listen to me or work within the limits I set because I am really doing her a favour which I do not mind as such but the disrespect is hurtful. I'm also saddened that she would rather see me struggle because I now have an extra mouth to feed.
Her son is also quite fussy and has an unhealthy diet which is down to her parenting but if I try to make him eat anything healthy of course I get a tantrum which is ok kids are kids and I dealt with it too but she shouts at me if I try to feed him something he does not like.
I don't want to look after him anymore but I want to know if it is reasonable to do this to my daughter as I know she will scream and shout at me and I will be the worst mother in the world in her eyes.
I know this forum has a reputation for being honest and sometimes too honest please be honest but kind as I feel very frustrated and hurt at the moment

Don't be pressurised into a situation that you can't manage by her emotional blackmail. Ultimately her child is her responsibility. You need to stand up to her and say no. You aren't being unkind, it is a simple case of safety and finances.

Thank you, everybody.
I will tell her about the free hours when I say about not looking after him anymore.
I don't know if there's a specific reason they aren't eligible or if there's not a local provider (I'm not sure about any council or private nurseries locally). I don't know what the issue is, but if it's a case of he could have the hours in January I would consider (with enforcement of the contribution to his food and things and him being here on time not early) looking after him until then. She has been very mean spirited and rude to me but I do not want to see her suffer

Agree you are not being unreasonable. You have a lot on your plate and she is taking advantage of your good nature.

'As I said, I don't know specifics about their entitlements to any benefits or financial help because I do not pry. She has said to me that she cannot have them, I needn't know more than that.'

And you don't need to know more than that, because her free hours or entitlement or any of that is not your problem! Your problem is that you cannot look after your grandson. You just cannot. She is an adult, her free hours, getting him registered, finding a place, all of this is for her to sort out, not you, you have enough on your plate.

You have to stop doing this because it's not safe for her son due to your daughter's special needs.

No matter how your daughter tantrums, she needs to sort out and provide alternative childcare for her son. This does not make you a bad mum, it makes her one.

You are not being unreasonable by telling her the arrangement isn't working out anymore and you cannot look after her son anymore.

I'd give her to the end of the month.

Your grandson is entitled to free hours because he is 3 pre school age does he not go to nursery at all ?your dd who is taking the piss needsto look into this, it is ok to ask these questions of her because it is to benefit the little boy I think you should stop doing it your situation isn't going to change you are going to have school holidays so have your dd and him again, as for snacks and nappies ask her to provide them from home then you are not asking for money stand up to her she sounds a right madame.

If he turned 3 this week, then he will get at least 15 free hours from January (this is universal), possibly 30 (should be eligible for this if they are both working). The universal free hours start the term after they turn 3, for a Sept baby, this is the Jan.

If they are very low income, he might be entitled to some free hours now.

Your daughter is very selfish and inconsiderate. I can't believe you are left with the cost of nappies. It's ridiculous.

Was she selfish as a child as well ?

You are not letting her suffer being a grandparent doesn't mean you have to do childcare and buying nappies he is your Dds son her and her partner need to worry about childcare not you.

She is lying. All children are entitled to this. However, most nurseries have to claim some costs back so have charges for food and snacks and/ or make you sign up for extra hours that you have to pay for. Tell her you can't do it. Your dependant daughter's needs must come first. You can even get your daughter's doctor to recommend that this ( or make it up!)

Yanbu, you're doing them a massive favour and saving them a fortune in childcare, to the detriment of yourself and your disabled daughter. The least they could do is turn up at the time you've agreed and cover the costs of food and nappies.

As you've tried to implement rules which they've ignored, I would just refuse to do any childcare at all for them, because this kind of piss taker, if you give an inch they'll take a mile

Your adult DD's childcare costs are not your problem. She and her DP/DH need to work it out themselves. It's kind of you to want to help but they've ruined that by taking advantage

Totally agree with the above posters.

It's not your issue to sort op it's hers. Give her a motive date and I bet that she will magically sort out her child care issues.

Hi OP

You sound lovely. And you have an enormous amount on your plate with your younger daughter. Caring is relentless and YOU need a break. Please look after yourself first.

You have done alot for your older daughter and now it's become unmanageable it's time to stop.

Any emotional blackmail is very unreasonable on her part.

All the best.

She is taking the p big time.
Free child care free food free nappies ( why the hell are you buying nappies for her son that's beyond cheeky of her?) Why should she bother looking at any free childcare as she would need to pay something towards it and provide nappies?

For you and your dd' s sake tell her she has had a week to find alternative child care you must be exhausted and fed up to the back teeth. They cannot stick to an agreement 're time and are not pay anything towards their own child's keep. Tell her most people have to just get on with paying child care or stop working until child is at school its not your problem you have quite enough to cope with.

Cant believe how selfish they are being.

This seems crazy to me and she's really taking the mick.

My MIL has DD 2 days a week and we always pack nappies/wipes/extra snacks in her day bag before we drop her off. This cost shouldn't fall on you at all. She saves us around £400 a month just with 2 days so you're saving your DD a fortune! I feel bad if I haven't made a cake or bought flowers for her for a while!

I know you shouldn't have to but maybe do a quick google of some nurseries so you know if there are local ones she could apply to. As PP have said, the hours should kick in in Jan at the latest.
Hope it gets resolved soon OP, maybe even take a day to yourself while DD is in school to relax!

When telling her that you can't continue to provide childcare I'd advise only mentioning that it doesn't work for you and for keeping grandson safe. I wouldn't mention your other daughter at all. Having a sibling who has high needs is difficult and may cause resentment, so mentioning her may make older daughter feel like you are putting one daughters needs ahead of the other. I'm not saying she is right, obviously the daughter with higher needs has to be put first, but it may be a resentment that is already there.
Could you put in writing to her and hand it over to whoever collects him.....a reminder of hours agreeded, and the need for nappies and food to be provided. No drama, nice and breezy note.

What?? As everyone else has said she is really taking advantage of you.

Her child is her responsibility. You cannot provide childcare for your own health and your younger daughter's and grandsons wellbeing.

She will be entitled to 30 hours. But as others have said you sometimes have to pay a bit on top and may also have to provide own nappies. But if you have children that is something you have to work out.

You sound so nice. I wish I had a mum like you

Why are you paying for his food? At the very least, she could be providing him with a packed lunch and extra snacks.

She's taking advantage.

for you Remy

I am coming from an angle of total understanding of how tough life is just taking care of your disabled DD. She sounds very much like my DD was at that age - she is mid 20's now and is much calmer these days so it WILL get easier, I promise - and my God there is no way on earth I could have taken on the responsibility of a 3 yr old too! Your elder DD is being incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. She can see for herself how her younger sister is 👿.

Firstly, YADDDNBU saying you are not in a position to keep your grandson safe whilst your DD is there. Also, sorry to sound harsh but your elder DD took the decision to have a child and SHE has to suck up the cost of childcare etc as we all do. What if you were taken seriously ill or worse? Are they telling her DP's mother what an awful parent she is as I understand she has only offered 1 day of care? (Nothing wrong with that at all by the way. Your DD is VERY lucky to have any help at all!) Also, refusing to pay for his snacks, nappies etc. is disgraceful!
I would be reminding her she was raised better than this and that you are at a loss to understand from where she acquired such entitled behaviour.

I am so pleased younger MNetters have come forwarded and stated the facts about the free childcare available for your grandson. She needs to speak with CAB or similar if she is being refused but I suspect she just can't be bothered.

Being the mum of a severely autistic DD - along with numerous other complications - I am furious on your behalf. as you can probably tell

I cannot believe that, as well as not having any empathy of the issues with your younger daughter, she is not providing/paying for food and nappies. Perhaps thats why she isnt interested in the free nursery, as she would have to pay out a little bit.

the boy is THEIR child, their responsibility.

I can see that she wouldnt take responsibility if, God forbid, your daughter hurt him. And whats with him winding her up. Sounds like respect for others doesnt run very deep in their family

Can the other grandmother do more? why do you get 3 days, and she only 1

OP when you are telling your daughter about the free hours, make sure it's in a sort of FYI way - make it clear that whether she sorts out the free hours or not, you're not doing any more childcare.

YANBU your Daughter is.

My daughters nursery will let you use any of the free hours (15 hours or 30 hours) but you have to pay on top for meals and snacks, nappies, wipes, any creams and from age 3 the preschoolers are expected to wear a uniform - polo shirt and jumper with Nursery logo on £5/8 each and you put them with either joggers or leggings which they advise you get from any of the big supermarkets where they sell 4 pairs for £6. My daughters only 2 but wears the uniform and loves it.

Oh op this must be so hard for you. Your daughter is being incredibly selfish, she is putting your health and her son's safety at risk. The free place is neither here nor there imo, you must stop this arrangement for all your sakes. Your daughter needs to sort out her own finances and her own childcare. You need to take care of yourself and your younger dd. Hard as it is sometimes our dc are just not very nice people. Keeping your grandson from you if you won't mind him is very cruel, eventually I am sure they will see sense and you will be able to be a gran again. Make your decision and stick with it, Good luck.

Not everyone is entitled to 30 hrs free (but everyone gets 15) - Iirc you have to be working over 16hrs per week and earning less than 100k. So it sounds like she would be entitled to them if her nursery are doing them. Some aren't.

However, I echo expat. It's not for you to work out. Don't give in to her emotional blackmail. She is abusing your guilt being really selfish and unpleasant. Tell her you cannot do it anymore. I can't believe she expects you to pay for food and nappies. When she said 'don't make a habit of this' would have been the last time i looked after him and i'd have told her what a spoilt brat she was being.

Can you involve the other GM and talk to them together? I would emphasise the risk to DGS's safety which you quite rightly are worried about.

Tell them that you will not be opening the door until DD has left for school as you are not able to keep DGS safe before that point.

Also, I would ask them to help you out by watching your DD for a day a week as 'payment'. I guess that you get very little respite.

Re. nappies, he is 3. Ask them to toilet train him and say that you won't be buying any more.

Just stop watching him. Clearly it's not safe. All three year olds are eligible though aren't they? Ours is and I don't even work while my husband earns more than enough to pay for it three times over. I'm sure that she'll find a way. Maybe her MIL can take him for more days?