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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn't cruel?

66 replies

fuckingroundabout · 06/09/2017 19:16

According to my grandmother I am cruel and this distresses her.

Dd will be 3 in November, bed time she gets a story, kisses cuddles and tucked in and then left. She gets returned to bed every time she gets out with a further cuddle but no talking or story and don't stay with her. If she properly cries I leave her 3-5 minutes check on her for any problens and leave her.

Is this really that bad? I am a single mum with an 11 month old too, I can't do the whole staying with her until she falls asleep thing and besides she would never sleep if I do..

OP posts:
ItchyFoot · 06/09/2017 19:17

Sounds reasonable to me. My 3yo luckily is a good sleeper but I imagine I'd approach the problem much the same way you have.

RollingGreenMarble · 06/09/2017 19:18

You'll get mixed responses but many people dont agree with leaving them to cry.

I did exactly what you did with my dc and years on all is well. No harm done.

YANBC

dollydaydream114 · 06/09/2017 19:19

This seems really sensible to me and clearly not cruel at all.

Anecdoche · 06/09/2017 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeyondThePage · 06/09/2017 19:19

Sounds normal to me - but depends how often she is "properly crying",

I suppose if it is frequent then leaving a while before checking is fine, but mine only used to "properly cry" if something was wrong, so I would check then leave...

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2017 19:20

You are doing a great job. It's very important to train your child to go to sleep independently. Your grandmother needs to mind her own business.

Original poster
fuckingroundabout · 06/09/2017 19:20

I don't ever leave her more than 3-5 minutes and if it was her serious cry I would be in there like a shot but it's moany attention seeking crying to delay sleep cry.

OP posts:
PsychoPumpkin · 06/09/2017 19:20

At three, it's fine, it's not as if you're leaving a 3mo to cry herself to sleep.

StealthPolarBear · 06/09/2017 19:20

I don't agree with leaving babies to cry but she is three!
What helped with ds at a similar age was actually telling him how tired I was.

nuttyknitter · 06/09/2017 19:21

So if your Grandma was frail and distressed at night you'd be happy leaving her to cry? It's abuse.

OrangePeels · 06/09/2017 19:22

The only thing I would do different is actually saying "time to sleep" or similar each time you return her to bed. Other than that, what you are doing is perfect.

Moreisnnogedag · 06/09/2017 19:22

She's 3 I'm sure you know the difference between a 'proper' cry and general whinge cry. You're doing fine 😁

ItchyFoot · 06/09/2017 19:23

Fucks sake there's always one. She's a three year old having a whinge. Kids need boundaries and learning to go to sleep alone is important.

Ttbb · 06/09/2017 19:23

It's better than screwing up her circadian rhythms. At worst it could be called strict. Cruel is a complete over exaggeration.

StealthPolarBear · 06/09/2017 19:23

If my dh was winging all night I'd be moving rooms.
If my grandma wasn't unwell but just enjoyed moaning I'd get ear plugs.
I'm all heart.

Original poster
fuckingroundabout · 06/09/2017 19:24

If my grandma was crying at night I would be in there like a shot just like I am with the every 45 minute wakes up we still have with Dd but she seems to be a child that can not unwind without a bit of a cry and moan. If I keep going in she takes 4-5 hours to settle even though she desperately needs the sleep she is putting off. If I stay with her she can't calm herself down from the manic hyper state whilst I am there.

OP posts:
Aperolspritzer123 · 06/09/2017 19:24

OP that is exactly what I do and have done with both my kids who are good sleepers. I trained them to self settle from being babies and they hardly ever cried. I personally think that this teaches good habits that last into adulthood. I did Gina Ford though who I know on here is considered Satan herself. Smile

StealthPolarBear · 06/09/2017 19:25

In fairness I'd expect my grandma to quetly play with her toys with the nightlight on. When the little hand gets to the six she can call me.

EB123 · 06/09/2017 19:27

Leaving them to cry isn't for me but I don't think you are cruel at all. We all parent differently,

SpottedGingham · 06/09/2017 19:29

Your grandmother is possibly of the generation that put babies in their pram in the garden so they could get on with housework.

I would do the same as you.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 06/09/2017 19:29

She's nearly three. Of course it's fine.

BovForBov · 06/09/2017 19:30

I did that when ds was 2.5 but I did talk to him as it helped reassure him.
He rarely cries now at bedtime but if he does I know somethings actually wrong - and go straight away. They're definitely old enough to understand at 3.

Zool69 · 06/09/2017 19:33

Our daughter is 3 and we do the same as you. Sitting with them til they fall asleep is fucking ridiculous and has got to be bad both in the short term and the long term

Original poster
fuckingroundabout · 06/09/2017 19:35

I can't just sit there even if I wanted to. She is so noisy and wired I can't get her brother to sleep with her awake so I have to do it once she is settled but I can't leave him to sit with her.

OP posts:
wowbutter · 06/09/2017 19:37

I thought being able to self settle was a skill parents are supposed to teach their children?
You are not being cruel, you are parenting. And the child is clearly fine.