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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This isn't cruel?

66 replies

fuckingroundabout · 06/09/2017 19:16

According to my grandmother I am cruel and this distresses her.

Dd will be 3 in November, bed time she gets a story, kisses cuddles and tucked in and then left. She gets returned to bed every time she gets out with a further cuddle but no talking or story and don't stay with her. If she properly cries I leave her 3-5 minutes check on her for any problens and leave her.

Is this really that bad? I am a single mum with an 11 month old too, I can't do the whole staying with her until she falls asleep thing and besides she would never sleep if I do..

OP posts:

Daydreamerbynight · 06/09/2017 19:40

It's not for me, but if it works for you that's all that's important :)

MudCity · 06/09/2017 19:42

It's absolutely fine!

Doowappydoo · 06/09/2017 19:48

It's exactly what I did with mine, never occurred to me someone might say it was cruel. I thought it was good parenting.

I think at 3 you know there is clear difference between a moany whinging "I'm not getting my own way" cry and a cry of distress.

Original poster

fuckingroundabout · 06/09/2017 19:49

Those of you saying you wouldn't do it, how would you approach it if you were me?

Genuinely interested in finding other ways of trying to solve our sleep issues!

OP posts:

Mittens1969 · 06/09/2017 19:49

What you're doing is fine, it's the strategy recommended by Supernanny, called sleep training. You're training her to self-soothe, which is important. From what you're saying, she's whinging because she doesn't want to go to sleep, not crying in distress. At 3 you can tell the difference.

Definitely not cruel. I've been there, it's a hard phase when they keep getting out of bed.

FindoGask · 06/09/2017 19:51

You're on your own with two young children and you're doing what works for all of you - very well by the sounds of it. You couldn't sit with her till she fell asleep even if you thought that was the right thing to do - because then who would be watching her brother?

Atthebottomofthegarden · 06/09/2017 19:52

Sounds a perfectly reasonable and sensible routine to me, and it sounds like you've worked out from experience it works best for your family. Not cruel in the slightest.

Crumbs1 · 06/09/2017 19:53

It's a very Ryan sensible and effective approach. Definitely not cruel.

FallingOrbit · 06/09/2017 19:54

It's abuse

Are you serious? I mean, come on, tell us, are you trolling?

"Abuse" my arse.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 06/09/2017 19:54

Completely reasonable, I do similar myself.

Littletabbyocelot · 06/09/2017 19:54

Its not for me but I dont think your cruel. However, the NHS website in response to an article about sleep training allegedly causing harm to children says it has no long term impact either negative or positive. So no one should feel they have to do it either.

AboutAGallonofDietCoke · 06/09/2017 19:54

Not cruel at all. They have to learn sometime.

GabsAlot · 06/09/2017 19:55

my parents read some book at the time that said dont leav your child in bed if their distressed

it led to me not sleeping alon till i was 11 an my sister 12 which was ridiculous an made us anxious

CherriesInTheSnow · 06/09/2017 19:55

I don't understand what could be wrong with this. At that age we can all tell the difference between a cry from a genuinely distressed child and a child who is whingeing to push boundaries and get their own way.

Luckily my DD is a great sleeper but she has certainly had a few blips, usually around the same time as developmental milestones, and I always settled her when she cried because it was appropriate to her age.The latest setback was different and was clearly a boundary pushing/control issue so I just as you did settled her down, assured her I was there but did not go back into her bedroom and within a few minutes she was asleep.

For the few nights before we had been using the "let her do what she wants and keep putting her back and sitting with her" method and it would take hours to get her to sleep, which effected her (and us!) the next day and the cycle continued. It is no cruel, they are old enough to know you are still there and the difference one night of not coddling her as soon as she stropped made a huge difference and she is now back to her lovely 12.5 hour unbroken sleeps. There is no merit in not encouraging a child that age to have no concept of self soothing and IME a lot of it is a control/power play thing rather than actual distress, much like mealtime battles.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/09/2017 19:56

So if your Grandma was frail and distressed at night you'd be happy leaving her to cry? It's abuse

On drugs or needing them, which one?

bookworm14 · 06/09/2017 19:57

Sounds perfectly fine to me. Of course it isn't fucking abuse - how offensive to children who are actually abused.

AtlanticWaves · 06/09/2017 19:57

Meh. I have 2 difficult sleepers. I have learnt over the past 6 years to do what works for us and sod anyone else. And what works changes over time too!

I do sit with mine til they fall asleep but it's usually 10 minutes. If they start messing around I threaten to leave them and that calms them.

Mothervulva · 06/09/2017 20:03

My 3 year old was crying tonight. She was fine and I went up to see her a couple of times. I know she's ok, I know some people who sit with their children until they fall asleep, those children are 8 and over now.

VinoTime · 06/09/2017 20:09

It's abuse

It's absolutely fine, OP. I sleep trained DD to self settle as a baby and she has always, always been a great sleeper because of it. It isn't cruel at all. Children have to learn. We all teach and parent differently, and sometimes you just need to smile, nod and think 'Oh, do fuck off with that opinion!' quietly to yourself

MiddlingMum · 06/09/2017 20:11

Total nonsense about it being abuse.

It sounds like you're doing brilliantly. Your DD is not going to be damaged by that. Hopefully she'll start getting better at settling as you are being consistent with it all.

Witsender · 06/09/2017 20:11

Not my bag, but only you understand the dynamics of your family and particular kids.

NicolasFlamel · 06/09/2017 20:12

PP who said this is abuse should be ashamed. Go educate yourself on actual abuse of children.
No this approach wouldn't be for me. I did sit with my little girl until she was able to fall asleep in her bed without tears and we still co-sleep quite often if she's unsettled late in the night BUT it's bloody tiring, I feel totally fed up of the sleeping situation quite often and if I didn't have a partner and I had a younger child to see to I probably wouldn't be able to just sit with her or sleep with her. My son was a very "easy" baby and toddler in terms of sleep and I felt very smug until his sister arrived!
She isn't a tiny baby, she is being reassured and you're not leaving her to cry it out.

WoofWoofMooWoof · 06/09/2017 20:14

I did controlled crying with my DTDs. I had to. The first night I would pretty much do the same as you, except I would only go in 3 or 4 times, after that I let them cry it out. Second night the same thing. By the third night they had learnt that mommy isn't going to come running for every whinge, and because they just didn't want to sleep, and after that they pretty much slept through. It's a very rough, difficult three nights - not easy to hear your child cry and not go to comfort them - but it's so worth it in the end. A stairgate in the bedroom door also works wonders, as they can't escape .

greeeen · 06/09/2017 20:16

Sounds fine to me.

squoosh · 06/09/2017 20:18

'So if your Grandma was frail and distressed at night you'd be happy leaving her to cry? It's abuse.'

Hysterical twits like you shouldn't be left alone in charge of a keyboard.

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