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Original poster

to think you don't buy a sex toy for a 15 year old?

96 replies

CatsPurr · 06/09/2017 17:53

I went to a friends for lunch. Its her daughters birthday next week and she will be turning 15. She is a single mum and they are very close. They are extremely open about everything in their lives with each other.

Daughter has a boyfriend, they haven't had sex but friend seems to think its a good idea for her daughter to explore her own needs and wants before having sex. Daughter is on the pill. I really didn't know what to say, just kinda snorted water out my nose as drinking at the time and went a bit dumb. Friend just looked at me and said I was being a prude (she has always had this opinion of me) and thinks it is great she is her daughters best friend.

I am gobsmacked. Am I being a prude?? Am I so out of the loop this is the done thing? My daughter is 6 so not come up yet but can't see me doing this. Though I would always be open about contraception etc

She hasn't bought it yet. Said she is going to get it as a surprise...

OP posts:
GetOutOfMYGarden · 06/09/2017 18:32

Can she not just get her a voucher that can be spent in Ann Summers but can also be spent in other shops?

A sex toy my mum bought me would come nowhere near my nunny.

Ttbb · 06/09/2017 18:33

That is a bit odd. I don't think that it is necessarily wrong but a bit OTT.

user1490607838 · 06/09/2017 18:33

OMG that's vile. Shock

As someone said, there is never an appropriate time to buy your DAUGHTER a sex toy!

Is she one of these dreadful mums who tries to be 'hip,' and 'down with the kids?' Cringe Blush

Bet she hangs around with her daughter and her daughter's friends, and tells everyone that people tell her she and her daughter look like sisters. Yawn ... Wink

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 06/09/2017 18:40

Yuck. Though it could be worse. Someone I vaguely know once openly discussed sharing sex toys with her mum ShockConfused there just aren't words!

Slarti · 06/09/2017 18:42

G-strings at 12, alcohol at 14 and sex toys at 15. This isn't just "weird" or "cringy" it's alarming!

It is quite possibly grooming, in the sense that this child's perception of what is normal and expected of her will be being shaped by these gifts.

IHaveBrilloHair · 06/09/2017 18:42

Eek, I have a 16yr old who is sleeping with her bf of 7 months but I wouldn't buy her a sex toy, that's just too far.

bowtieandheels · 06/09/2017 18:46

I think it's a great idea and wish someone had bought me one at 15. I think I would've had WAY more confidence to know what I wanted in bed and would've have felt much more in control. If I had a daughter I would def buy her one and would be so happy to have such a close and open relationship.

Ciaovenora · 06/09/2017 18:47

Considering the threads content does anyone else find Ops user name an odd choice. Hmm.

yorkshapudding · 06/09/2017 18:47

I am suspicious of anyone who claims to be their childs best friend
Parents should parent

Having worked in children's mental health my whole adult life, I wholeheartedly agree. It's a really unhelpful dynamic from the child's point of view and one that usually exists due to the parents neediness and/or unwillingness to be the adult and put boundaries in place.

Original poster
CatsPurr · 06/09/2017 18:47

I have known my friend a long time. I promise if I genuinely thought there was any whisper of grooming going on I would report her in a heart beat. I think she is trying to mould her daughter into a little best friend (even though daughter is taller than mum) and is trying too hard to be cool. When I made a comment about them being very close she bit back 'you are just jealous and have issues with our bond'. Daughter doesn't really have friends, she is a bit of a spoilt princess and Dad isn't really around. Friend is trying way to hard to be daughter's everything.

OP posts:
Ragusa · 06/09/2017 18:47

I'm not sure it would matter to me whether it was a mum or a dad; that seems irrelevant. But I accept I am in a minority of 1 here so will bow out gracefullly.

Mummaofboys · 06/09/2017 18:50

Oh my, yes it is strange. What an earth is she thinking? parents aren't meant to be best friends with their kids they are meant to be parents.

toastandbutterandjam · 06/09/2017 18:51

I would die of shame if either parent brought me a sex toy.

My friend brought me one as a laugh one year and I opened it in a packed restaurant not knowing what it was Shock

SassafrasRoots · 06/09/2017 18:52

That is very strange. I feel sorry for her poor daughter I imagine she will be embarrassed.

Slarti · 06/09/2017 18:53

Catspurr, what do you think about Champagne's link regarding covert sexual abuse (non-physical abuse involving inappropriate boundaries resulting in stunted sexual development)? You know the situation best but from what you've posted it certainly sounds like a possibility. She might be "trying to be her everything" but is she doing that to meet her daughter's needs or her own? It sounds like she is benefiting emotionally from this "close relationship" and the perception of others but at the expense of her daughter's developmental needs.

Dahlietta · 06/09/2017 18:58

I think she is trying to mould her daughter into a little best friend

To be fair though, I'd be pretty creeped out if my best friend bought me a sex toy too...

user1489675144 · 06/09/2017 19:01

Is she pushing her into rushing into her sex life before she is ready,,, on pill already, sex toys... etc

Odd mother. Why are some mothers more keen to be friends than mothers ...is it to make them feel younger or what exactly?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/09/2017 19:02

Oh dear ... words fail me.😬

user1489675144 · 06/09/2017 19:03

Ah saw this after I posted the ?

Yes agree "Having worked in children's mental health my whole adult life, I wholeheartedly agree. It's a really unhelpful dynamic from the child's point of view and one that usually exists due to the parents neediness and/or unwillingness to be the adult and put boundaries in place"... the 'parent' doesn't see that though do they... they just think they are their child's best friend.. !

BishopBrennansArse · 06/09/2017 19:09

This thread is dodgy as fuck.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 06/09/2017 19:18

Me and my DD have a great relationship and she is like a little mate at times. But, I'm still her mum and I want her to actually have a childhood instead of wanting to turn her into a mini adult.

Original poster
CatsPurr · 06/09/2017 19:18

How is it dodgy? What do you mean?

I have read the covert sexual abuse artical and I don't think my friends behaviour with her daughter falls into that. I think its a combination of a girl wanting to be an adult and a woman wanting her youth back, amongst other things. I am going to ring friend later and ask if she was being serious. This is worrying more than shocking now.

OP posts:
NicolasFlamel · 06/09/2017 19:19

Grim thread

pastafairy · 06/09/2017 19:19

So their relationship is concerning for a number of reasons. Please get in contact with her school and ask to speak to their Designated Safeguarding Lead. Explain about the inappropriate sexual conditioning from her mother and they will follow it up confidentially.

ByGum · 06/09/2017 19:20

There was a thread on here a while back where Mum had noticed her a daughter ( think she might have been 13/14) had been using her vibrator and wanted advice on how to ask her to stop without shaming her. Lots and lots of people said it's normal, it's just masturbation and said she should buy her daughter her own toy.

I think at 15 I'd be talking about making sure she is comfortable and ready and not to be pressured into sex before she is ready etc.

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