Parents involving children in row

[Rebecca1971]

I was angry this morning with DH. To fully explain I have to give a little background (sorry this may actually get quite long).

I normally get up at 6, walk the dog, sort out some washing, school snacks and get myself ready before I wake up DS at about 7.15 and then DH at 7.30 - because he refuses to have his own alarm and will not get up until and unless I wake him. DS has to leave the house by just after 8 to make it to school on time.

This morning I was running late as we'd only just got back from holiday and I was tired after the long journey (when I had done the vast majority of a 13 hour car drive as DH doesn't like to drive). So I got up at 7.10 and as a result struggled to get all sorted in time. DS was asleep and hiding under the covers and when I checked on DH at 8 he was in bed reading. I asked him to get up and help me. I reminded him of the time and said DS had to be out of the house in 5 minutes and needed to get ready and could he help make some kind of breakfast (sandwich) that DS could eat on the way to school. Not great but there clearly was no time for proper breakfast at home. When DS finally struggled out of bed the set of school uniform that I had laid out for him to wear didn't have pants. I asked DH if he could please find a pair of pants (no pants left in usual drawers as just returned from holiday). DH response was that school clothes are my responsibility. He also would not make sandwich but said DS should eat cereal at home. I said no time (which there wasn't, clearly!) and grabbed a cereal bar and a few raspberries in a Tupperware box to eat on the way. We were a few minutes late for school but not too bad, teacher was fine when I apologised.

I was highly unimpressed about the whole situation and rather than letting this pass I decided to send DH an email (talking would just have resulted in a shouting match). I kept the tone of the mail calm and said that he needed to reflect on not being selfish and that reading in bed at 8 o'clock when we had a joint responsibility to get our son to school was not on.

So that's the background. Now what I'm really upset about is that when I came home from work DS told me 'daddy is upset with you about this morning'. I said, oh so what did daddy say. DS at that point didn't want to elaborate, probably feeling caught between his two parents. I thought about what best to do for a few minutes, then decided (rightly or wrongly) that it was better to have it all out in the open and asked DH in DS presence what he had said to DS about this morning and that really this was between us. He said (again in front of DS) that he told DS after school that I had been totally unreasonable in the morning, had stormed out of the house in a self righteous manner and that I had an anger problem.

At that point I had to bite my lips not to cry. Not out of anger but out of sheer sadness that he cannot be a father first. My overriding ambition is always always not to let children know of parents' rows and certainly not making them take sides. It's a terrible position to put a child in and no child should have to feel they have to take sides when their parents have an argument.

This is not the first time DH has behaved this way. He doesn't get these parenting principles and seems to think it acceptable to involve children in our differences of opinion. (And that's leaving aside the issue of not getting out of bed in the morning and helping me get the household organised).

What do other MNers think? AIBU?

Your dh is a dick, but why are you allowing him to behave like this. Don't wake him up, he needs to take responsibility for himself.
Also, your Ds is 8, why on earth are you laying his uniform out and surely he should be capable of finding some pants. He could also be taking more responsibility for himself in a morning. My dc all get themselves up and dressed, make their own breakfast and tidy up after themselves.

Yanbu to be angry at him involving your ds in your argument though.

I bet his income is negligible and he uses the working from home as an excuse to opt out of family life

Whoa, where did that come from? You have no idea what he earns! If he worked in an office, would you assume he was reading his newspaper at 6pm to avoid doing bed and bathtime?

I am the main breadwinner in our house so therefore my husband who runs a very small company from home does everything else during the week and we balance things at the weekend
This is called sharing
We both get up at the same time as a joint alarm wakes us and he does packed lunch and I do hair etc
That's sharing
And you should not be doing all the driving. I am not the biggest fan of driving but we both do it
It's called a partnership

You really need to accept that what your husband does is not a good balance and as he is involving your son in arguments which is awful you are teaching your son how to behave with his future partners
This is why it's so important you address it above all else

Also communicating by email because otherwise is causes bother is another issue
Can't you both talk like adults to one another (understanding we all do stuff in the heat of the moment from time to time ?)

I also suspect that too JustAbout. Based on hundreds of threads like this over the years. I also suspect he's not actually 'working' in the evening but sitting at his computer, surfing the net, to avoid doing any pesky chores.

Perhaps the OP would like to confirm?

Love none is blaming you it's very easy to be manipulated.

And your ds sides with your dh because he trusts you more and wants to prevent your dh hurting you more. Think it through.

2 things - firstly I suspect your son takes his side because he feels less secure about his love than yours. He doesn't want his Dad to turn against him too as he can see his Dad turns against you, whereas he doesn't feel you will turn against him. When he had a serious worry about you splitting up, he came to you.

Second thing - if roles were reversed and you worked from home and he was the main breadwinner with a long commute but got up at 6 to get things done and you stayed in bed and you posted about what happened to ask if you were BU, you'd get a flaming. Especially when you went into detail about what each partner does.

He's a lazy child with mo sense of responsibility or empathy. Stop waking him. That's his responsibility, invloving children in parental disputes is properly damaging (as for telling your son you have anger issues). He's a pathetic and emotionally stunted person.
He's a dick and you and your son will do better without someone making his exsistence your problem rather than being a supportive, functioning part of your lives.

Your husband is a prick for so many reasons and it's sad that you can't see them

So you're the main breadwinner yet you still do all the stuff at home too? You know if he were the breadwinner he would use that excuse to do nothing at home, so what's his excuse?

By allowing this to continue, you are teaching your son that this is how normal relationships are when they should be nothing like this.

I'm not saying ltb but you and your dh need to have a long conversation about how things should be going forwards.

Also I'm not sure that it's right that i do everything and he does nothing. I work in town, I'm the main breadwinner - he works from home and fits work around DS. Often, because he takes a few hours out in the afternoon to collect DS he then works in the evening. With this division of roles we manage without a nanny/au pair and we've always taken the view that this is better for our son.

My DH works in town and is the main breadwinner. He also often does most of the long-distance driving (I learned late and am not as confident.)

I WFH and do all school drop-offs and pick-ups, after-school activity runs and childcare etc. I often have to work in the evenings too to manage this.

However - I do most of the housework as well. I cook, I clean, I sort the DC out with whatever they need.

My situation is not ideal for me - I think my DH could & should do more. I find the school day working hours disruptive to my "flow" so I have some sympathy with the idea that it is not an ideal working life, but that it is better for the DC so it's worth it.

If I "only" had to pick-up from school & supervise homework, my life would be very very easy indeed (and my DH would be run ragged and stressed with a full-time job). Your DH is NOT PULLING HIS WEIGHT.

Yes, he's entitled. Yes, he's immature.
No, you shouldn't drag children into adult arguments, even if "provoked" or "confronted".
No, it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

I'm surprised that the waking up bit has incensed so many of you.

Are you really surprised? Really and truly?

Have you never ever resented this?

Examine your own tendencies to rescue/mother/assume responsibility.

I wonder if your Twat Husband has raised the issue of a split with your son and making you the potential instigator?

Don't let your son grow up with this model of an adult male in a marriage.

Have a think about how you want your DS to behave with his Own partner and DC when he is an adult.

That is the behaviour that you and his dad should be modelling to him now.

If you don't want your DS to grow up and behave exactly like his dad... why are you valuing yourself and your DS so little to accept this unacceptable behaviour from his dad right now?

The logic of why he does no child/house sorting is skewed. Your DS is old enough for your partner to be sorting out washing etc after school, it's not as if DS is a baby or toddler that needs constant supervision.

Honestly, I think it's too bad your H doesn't go off on holiday or something for a couple of weeks. I think you'd see that even though you had to do more 'work' that it would be so much calmer and much less stressful.

A friend with a now-ex like your H said that knowing you were 'it' and that you had to do all because the twat was no longer there was so much less stressful than doing it all whilst he sat on his arse doing nothing (and criticizing). She said it was pretty easy to develop a routine and stick to it, just she and DS, when no one was their to stick their oar in or disrupt it. Not to mention the mental freedom from resentment and anger over seeing him just sitting there.

She also said she was surprised at how much less it cost to run a home with just herself and her DS living there. She said never realized exactly how much money her ex frittered away on misc shit, his 'hobby', and high priced food and booze. Smaller, simpler, cheaper meals, less water and energy usage, smaller loads of laundry, less daily mess. She said that she even had more 'me time' because before DS got up and once DS was asleep, she had the house to herself.

Think about that!

Oh..need to mention that she worked full time. She said that even having to pay for after-school care she was still money ahead!

Seeing as your husband expects you to parent like a single parent then act like it. Don't wake him up, don't do his laundry, don't make dinner for him. Maybe he will realise just how you do for him.

I also suspect that his 'work' brings in little income and he doesn't do very much of it. Has he been WFH long, OP? Did he struggle to find/keep a waged job? And is this because no one appreciated or understood him when he worked for an employer (and had to pull his weight)?