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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd threw sisters' shoes away WWYD

81 replies

Newuser101 · 05/09/2017 00:37

On holiday with DH, our 3 DDs - DD1 (6), DTs (4) and my parents. Went to a local town and flip flops were on sale so my DM bought each girl a new pair, everyone over the moon put them straight on.

We went for lunch and the girls wanted to play in the square next to the restaurant so we let them (in full view of us). Never noticed that DD3 came running back to eat without flip flops on.

When we came to leave, DD3 said she'd taken her shoes off and left them on a bench "over there" and pointed to a stone bench about 20 yds away. I was cross and shouted her that she shouldn't have taken them off and went with her to get them. They were nowhere to be seen.

We scoured the area but couldn't find them. Her twin (DD2) then told me that she had hidden them by putting them in the bin We scoured the bins and still couldn't find them but all the bin bags seemed quite new so could be that the bins had been replaced whilst we ate lunch (I didn't see).

I didn't know who to punish - all 3 girls were gutted and crying. I wasn't quite sure what the whole truth was - if DD2 was just saying about the bins so DD3 wouldn't be in so much trouble.

We went straight to the car and drove 30 minutes back to hotel without going to the park as we had previously promised them.

My Dad has now said tonight that my children are unruly and have no discipline and it wouldn't have happened in his day and if I'd have "pulled a stunt like that I'd have got a clip round the ear". I'm gutted. I was at a loss how to deal with today - there were 4 adults there and feel like I'm the one getting the blame for how I dealt with it.

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:

quizqueen · 05/09/2017 01:19

I always think the punishment should fit the 'crime' so any money that was going to spent on treats ( fair rides/ice creams etc.) should be added up and the sister who put the flip flops in the bin doesn't get them. When enough money has been accrued from lost treats then she uses it to buy a pair of flip flops to replace the lost ones or, if she is a similar size, she gives her flip flops to her sister and goes without a pair.

However, there was definitely a lack of adult supervision as this situation shouldn't have happened in the first place so how about all the adults get a clip round the ear!!!

TitaniasCloset · 05/09/2017 01:23

These stories are cute, op's little one worried about the shoes being lonely and the 'Oosh!Gone!'

I kicked one of my sandals down a broken tiny window over the cellar of a pub when I was little just to see what would happen and was most upset when my poor mum couldn't retrieve it.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 05/09/2017 01:29

Perhaps you are stressed OP because 1) your mum paid for the shoes and it seems ungrateful to lose a gift so quickly as they might see it as being unappreciative? 2) your parents are judging you as a parent and very often we are never seen as adults in our parent's eyes?

Its probable that if you had bought them yourself and the same thing had happened, you'd have had a quick scout around for them, failed to find them, scolded the kids for not taking care of their new belongings and forgotten all about it.

Your Dad sounds old school and is probably not used to seeing the children so much all day every day. If I was in your position, and if you can, I'd laugh it off with your parents and tell them not to buy any more gifts and try to do your own thing without your parents for periods during the day if that is possible in reality I wouldn't go on holidays with my family in a million years

SamoyedSam · 05/09/2017 01:33

quizqueen you seriously reckon they should be losing holiday treats over this?! They're 4!! They were playing and they lost some flip flops!!! Do you deny yourself dessert every time you lose your keys?! Go on - spill the beans: you're the OP's dad, aren't you?

SamoyedSam · 05/09/2017 01:35

Adults lose stuff all the time. But children are somehow expected to be held accountable to a much higher degree.

This!

BottleBeach · 05/09/2017 01:48

I think the fact you think DD2 might have fibbed that she put them in the bin to cover for DD3, and that DD1 was upset about the shoes being all on their own shows what lovely empathic children you are raising and you should be proud of all 3 of them

Atenco · 05/09/2017 02:07

Adults lose stuff all the time. But children are somehow expected to be held accountable to a much higher degree

Gosh the things I lost when I was a child and an adult and never got a clip around the ear, or even lost the chance to go to the park and I'm probably older than your dad.

I think that was a major overreaction by all the adults concerned and I certainly don't understand why your six-year-old was punished.

SamoyedSam · 05/09/2017 02:10

BottleBeach has it spot on with this!

Rainatnight · 05/09/2017 02:28

This line of yours worries me 'it's pretty exhausting keeping all 3 in line all the time to my parents standards'

Why are you making them behave to your parents' standards? They're your kids.

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 05/09/2017 02:34

She probably took the flip flops off because she wanted to run around which flip flops aren't ideal for, so wasn't really naughty.

Bimbop5 · 05/09/2017 02:42

Ack kids will be kids. Don't worry you handled it fine. Your dad sounds really strict and a bit scary! One time when I was 3 or 4 I buried my pail and shovel in the sand but then I couldn't find them again. I was sad but learnt a lesson. And I don't remember my parents being upset, they just rolled their eyes because they were exasperated! Lol

mathanxiety · 05/09/2017 03:18

Tell your dad you are sorry he feels that way and move on with your lives. Replace the pair of flip flops if you feel like it. Life is too short to fuss about stuff like this.

TwoShades1 · 05/09/2017 03:59

I guess it depends on your normal "rules" my step kids aren't allowed to take their shoes off when out and about unless they ask first. This is because some places are not suitable to be with shoes (broken glass, prickles, etc). So in our house both would be "in trouble". Dd3 for taking them off and dd2 for putting them in a bin/hiding them.

Livingdiisgracefully · 05/09/2017 05:16

Twoshades my kids weren't allowed to get out of bed once I'd put them down or take their shoes off but it still happened sometimes. And funnily enough they're not juvenile delinquents now.

OP 4 is really little. I used to get upset when my children lost things so I understand, particularly if they are new, but it really isn't worth getting angry with them. They are not meaning to upset you. As someone said earlier, they're nowhere near being able to work through consequences as adults are.

I would be more annoyed with my dad for expecting small children to behave like adults. How stressful for you.

Crashbangwhatausername · 05/09/2017 05:19

I feel sorry for your dds if they are on a holiday they aren't allowed to relax on. I'm also surprised at their ages that only one pair of flip flops got left on the beach, my dc would have taken shoes straight off and left them in ridiculous places never to be seen again, your dds sound lovely

sandgrown · 05/09/2017 05:32

When I was young my friend and I went paddling in the pond behind our house. My friend had new wellies. One of her wellies got stuck in the mud and was pulled off. It was stuck fast so we had to run and fetch her mum who was very cross. My enduring memory is of her mum, skirt tucked in her knickers, wading in to retrieve the welly

CallMeDollFace · 05/09/2017 05:35

They sound perfectly normal to me. Mine are a similar age. Tbh, if this happened to us, dc1 would be delighted that dc2 had lost something and was upset about it 🙄 I think the crying over the lonely shoes is very sweet.

If you are stressing about your children's behaviour not reaching your dad's high standards then I wouldn't go on holiday with him again.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 05/09/2017 05:47

OP. I have a 6 and a 4 year old and can see exactly how this could happen, let alone adding another 4 year old into the mix.

I think the most useful lesson to be learnt is, as CallMe says, not to go on holiday with your dad again! I totally, totally get the pressure of trying to get your DC to behave to your parents' standards. You are right, it is exhausting for everyone.

People often forget exactly how children can behave and have totally unrealistic ideals (possibly myself included at times ).

As for WWYD, I'm not entirely sure what I would do but I'd want to try to speak to my DH (in private) and come up with a plan for getting through the holiday.

WomblingThree · 05/09/2017 06:28

Rainatnight because being endlessly judged on your parenting (and found to be lacking) by your own father is exhausting. A fair proportion of men of that generation had very little to do with their own children, and they think that a clip round the ear is the answer to everything.

My own dad used to mutter "you wouldn't have dared behave like that" when my oldest was a small child. I used to wonder how he came to that conclusion, given he was away for months on end and left the parenting almost entirely to my mother.

Cosmic123 · 05/09/2017 06:35

I don't have much advice but holidays with family are always hell. You did nothing wrong. All children can be a pain in the arse at times and having twins must be very testing x

BarbarianMum · 05/09/2017 08:26

If you are going to punish anyone it should be dd2 - she either hid the shoes or she's lying. Maybe you could give her new flip flops to dd3 - or if she has holiday money maybe she could contribute to a new pair? Ultimately though, they are 4 and do daft things.

One of my favourite stories when i was little was the story of two little girls who want to keep thsir new sandshoes safe on the beach and end up deciding that the best way to do this was to bury them. You can guess how that ends.

thecatfromjapan · 05/09/2017 08:38

What were your parents like with you as a child? What is your relationship with them like now? Do you want the same relationship with your children?

You sound a bit in thrall to both your parents if you are letting it affect how you parent.

4 year olds do lose things, especially new things - they're not used to them yet.

I'm not sure any 'punishing' is necessary. The flip flops are gone and they've seen your reaction.

Have you ever lost anything? Done something stupid with someone else's possession(s)? I have. I lost a pair of shoes (putting a spare pair down in a pub and then they were stolen because I hadn't put them in a careful place). I really didn't need a punishment afterwards to drive home the point I needed to be more careful.

toomuchtooold · 05/09/2017 08:39

What you said wombling.

Plus, selective memory. They never remember the bad stuff. I was in the car with my kids and FIL last week and the kids were watching a DVD and FIL said (not unkindly) "it's great what they have these days to keep the kids entertained. Mind, our kids never needed any of that. They were always very well behaved in the car." I couldn't wait to get home and get DH alone to tell him. DH remembers sitting in the back with his brothers constantly needling each other and making shite and every 5 minutes or so his dad would roar "QUIET!" and almost every journey featured at least one stop in a layby and lecture about how if they couldn't behave themselves he'd turn the car round and they could all go home...

abilockhart · 05/09/2017 08:53

I was cross and shouted her that she shouldn't have taken them off and went with her to get them.

I didn't know who to punish - all 3 girls were gutted and crying. I wasn't quite sure what the whole truth was - if DD2 was just saying about the bins so DD3 wouldn't be in so much trouble.

Your Dad is completely in the wrong. The worrying bit is you needed to ask.

I suspect you were shouted at and punished when you were that age.

Shouting at such young children is not appropriate.

Butterymuffin · 05/09/2017 09:00

If your dad uses that line again, I would look him in the eye and say 'I don't hit my children'. And otherwise remind him that they're your kids and you decide where to set the line.

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