Home after suicide attempt partner now snoring on couch

[Mamazita]

First time poster, long term lurker. For background I've been with my DP for 7 years and I have a DS10 and DS 9 months.

I've suffered over the years on/off with depression. When things have gotten too much I normally self harm by way of shaving my hair off aka a Britney Spears. It's always been my release and no real harm done. I had a real bad pregnancy mental health wise with the baby which resulted in me having a crisis team visit me 3-4 times per week. I was induced 2 weeks early before Xmas so that my DP would have longer at home with us, using his Xmas leave plus paternity. He ended up being at home with me for 5 weeks which was amazing as I really needed the support.

I am currently breastfeeding and my baby still wakes up every 2-3 hours for a feed so as such I've not slept more than 3 hours at a time in 9 months. I've found having another baby extremely difficult, especially having left it so long between both kids. My GP has diagnosed me with PND and prescribed me 100mg sertraline.

Over the last few weeks myself and my DP have been arguing a lot. I've been extremely tired, it's the end of the summer holidays so had enough of entertaining DS10 too. Been in no real routine. All this has resulted in me feeling totally overwhelmed and after a huge row on Saturday with DP I'd convinced myself that nobody loved me and I was the worst person in the world. I totally snapped and ran out the house at 5pm. In my frenzied, paranoid state I took an overdose of pills and lots of alcohol with the intention of committing suicide.

The police found me and I was placed under their care under a section 136. I was taken to A&E for medical treatment and the police stayed with me until this morning when the medical treatment had ended. They then transferred me to a 136 suite for an assessment by a doctor and social worker. They deemed that I was safe enough to go home and have the crisis team visit me. They did this on the understanding that I would have lots of support at home from DP.

Ahhh sorry it's so long! I was discharged at 6.30 and been home since 7. Nothing has been mentioned as eldest was still awake. He then went to bed at 9pm as has school in the morning. Now my AIBU is that my normally supportive partner has just fell asleep on the couch, snoring his head off and not tried to talk to me about what has happened. I'm a little shocked and confused especially since I've never tried to attempt suicide before. I didn't know what to expect, but thought at the very least he might of given me a hug. AIBU to feel angry and hurt that he has just fallen asleep? I really feel like he doesn't care and maybe I'm best off being back in hospital. For information the crisis team are visiting me tomorrow at 10am

He is probably exhausted and unsure how to talk to you. I think often that we underestimate the trauma and the difficulty those around us have following a suicide attempt.
Anyway I offer you a virtual hug - from a complete stranger I know - but its the best I can do.

Didn't want to read and run but don't have much experience or know what to say- I agree with the above, perhaps it is a mixture of exhaustion after being so worried about you or just not knowing what to say, either way I hope he wakes soon and you can talk- so sorry you are going through this, must feel so lonely but many others will have felt how you do and got through it. I hope the medication and crisis team help.

Can you go to bed yourself and try to get some sleep? Or snuggle up with him on the sofa if you don't want to be alone. This is tough for both of you

Sorry you are going through this but can I just ask why you are breastfeeding instead of bottle feeding.

You will get much more sleep and a routine with bottle feeding (partner can also do it) which in turn will help your tiredness and mood a little. I would have thought breastfeeding would be more emotionally and physically draining especially if you suffer from severe depression.

I think you shouldn't be posting on a forum known for reactionism. I'm sure your DP has been through a lot too, and is probably just knackered.

It's probably best to talk in the morning.

It's probably not been an easy time for him either and he's probably emotionally and physically exhausted.

I wouldn't make an issue out of this. Just try and get some sleep.

I agree with Tafiki also. The benefits of breastfeeding really don't outweigh those of having a mentally healthy bonded mother.

Maybe he feels safe to shut down now your home and has wiped out from exhaustion. Sounds very difficult for you both, can you get some sleep

I'm sorry you've been struggling- it sounds like things have been very hard going for you. Hopefully you can get the help you need from here

However, living with someone with depression can be very hard too- I do not mean that as a criticism, but a statement of fact.

As you have been in hospital following your suicide attempt he is perhaps more strung out as he's been worrying about you and looking after the children. It seems more like that your partner accidentally fell asleep due to being really tired, rather than having done this deliberately to hurt you.

Maybe he hasn't spoken to you about it because he doesn't know what to say? Or perhaps he feels guilty in some way, given that these events were triggered by an argument with him? Maybe in the morning have a talk with him, without recriminations, and ask him about it?

Virtual hugs OP. I am sure he hasnt fallen asleep on purpose. He must be exhausted and probably would be mortified to think he's accidentally left you alone. He will have gone through a lot of emotions too. Hopefully you can talk in the morning.

How was the baby being fed while you were in hospital?

How are you feeling? Have you got the crisis team's number to hand, if you need it?

My Exh, had taken OD's..I can tell you it is emotionally exhausting, I can also tell you the one he took after my DS was born I was very, very angry. When I called an ambulance for him and was asked if I was going with him I was far too angry to go so stayed and looked after my DS.

My reason for telling you this is not to make you feel bad but for me no matter how you feel , all your actions will affect your children and your DP will have been having to provide the care your children need and on top of that the additional emotional support your 10 year old needs.

You obviously do need some help and I hope that you access it but don;t underestimate your actions.. I also want to add you going to hospital, or OD ing will not stop the hurt...They want you well and you need support to get there. Try and get yourself into bed and get some sleep.

for you
I second the pp who suggested cuddling up to your dp and getting some rest.

I think your dp is probably exhausted and relieved and doesn't know what to say all in one.

Some counselling together might help you both talk it through, is this possible?

You've done amazing breastfeeding this long, I understand that you may want to carry on but I wonder if you could perhaps switch it to half and half even?
Sleep is so important and you need more than 3 hours at a time whenever and however that is possible.

Sorry but what does feeding method have to do with anything? I'm sure OP isn't stupid and has heard of formula and is able to make that decision for herself.

OP I am sorry that you are struggling and I agree with others that he's probably exhausted from the worry and hasn't fallen asleep out of a lack of care. He might have been waiting until your DS had gone to bed to talk thinking it would give him time to think of something to say and then been met with an utter loss for what to say or do.

Nobody gives you a manual for how to react when your partner has been suicidal. He might be frightened to upset you?

Can you call the crisis team tonight if you feel alone?

Thank you all for your messages! I decided to post on here as I knew I was probably being unreasonable and I do know deep down that he cares and you're all right he probably is totally exhausted. I know mumsnet is a great network and people tend to answer straight away.

I've a freezer full of breastmilk as the baby goes to his nan and grandad once a week for a for hours. When the baby was younger dad used to do night feeds on a Friday night to give me a break and it worked up until he was 6 months. He then refused to settle unless on the boob. Hopefully this may now change as he's not had me home with him the last couple of nights.

Posting on here has stopped me running away with my thoughts. It's good to hear other people's opinions and not just my own! I can't sleep at the moment I just feel a mixture of so many emotions. Thank you again for your comments

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.

He is probably struggling too with no idea how to talk to you about it or whether he should keep it together for the sake of your son, who is old enough to realise that something is wrong. Depression is horrible and I genuinely hope that you and your lovely family come through it in the best way for all of you.

Just please try to stay calm for tonight - he is knackered with worry and from caring for the kids while you couldn't - and tomorrow things will be better. Things will be brighter. Hang in there.

Oh my dear. I totally agree with the other posters who think you should stop with the breast feeding- or at least stop feeding by breast exclusively. It's too much, you need a decent nights sleep. Your head will never repair properly if you are not getting enough sleep. Now, regarding your DP. I think he is knackered, probably emotional and struggling himself ( guilt maybe that he didn't see this coming? Terrified it will happen again and again until you achieve your goal?). He will be physically and mentally exhausted and he will be also relived that you are home so feels he can sleep. So please, just let him. I know you need a hug- and so does he. Maybe get him up to bed and snuggle up to each other. Talking can wait till tomorrow or the next day, or next week. Just take a bit of time to repair and get close. He could be feeling simply dreadful or he could also be really angry with you. His feelings are as legitimate as yours and must be sidelined. So when you do start talking try to listen to him and consider how he feels too as you need to rebuild and repair your relationship and the trust that comes with it. Take every bit of help the mental health team offer you and also take help from your friends and family with your children, cooking etc. My heart breaks for you because depression is so very very dreadful. Don't forget to tell him how much you love him. Good luck 🌺🎈

Would you like to chat about something else to keep your mind off things until you feel more sleepy? I have to go to bed soon but I'm sure there will be folk around if that's what you want.

* must NOT be sidelined. Sorry, missed an important word out but I am rather tired!

The crisis team offer couples therapy as they offered it to us when I last used them. I think we will use it this time. Also, social services are going to make a visit to see if my DS10 needs support. He doesn't know what's gone on. He thinks I've had a reaction to medication so have had to go to hospital to have it flushed out.

In regards to breastfeeding, if the dr feels I need some stronger medication then I will stop breastfeeding so I can take a better medications, as maybe sertraline isn't working. I am only on that as it's safe for breastfeeding mums. But my health is more important than breastfeeding so I will stop if needed to.

I wouldn't be making any emotional demands on yourself or your partner for the next hours, days weeks. You've had a huge shock to your system and body and mind and so has your partner. Neither of you will be able to be quite 'normal' whatever that is, so do be gentle with yourselves. I wouldn't analyse or overthink things, if you can. You will need taking care of, so take care of yourselves.

Take things slowly, steadily, one step at a time.

If I were you I'd scale down the sleep disruption and get the baby used to being bottle fed, and see eating, sleeping, moving around as priorities. You all need to time to recover. Go for a walk every day. Get help. Like you are doing, by going on mumsnet.

I have bipolar disorder. I have been where you are many times. Please get some rest, know that people (albeit strangers) hear you and are listening, and look at this with fresh eyes tomorrow.

He’s probably exhausted. You will be too

Nothing to add other than he's probably exhausted too. Try get some kip yourself if you can.

Nobody's life is great when they're exhausted and looking after a baby is hard when you're fighting fit let alone when you're not.

Good luck with tomorrow. Would it help do you think to go into a mother and baby unit for a bit? I suffered from depression prior to my children and during my pregnancy we had an action plan in place in case it escalated postnatally (thankfully it didn't) xx

Again thank you for your comments! He is seeing to the baby and has told me get in bed with DS10 (he has a double bed) so I can get a full nights sleep!