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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about single dads?

95 replies

Winosaurus · 04/09/2017 19:37

Today at the playground yet again there was an overly friendly display to the single dad of a child in my DDs class. He raises his son alone (which is of course admirable) but all I hear from the other mums is what a hero he is for doing it... am I missing something? How is he any different to the several single mothers raising children in the same class?
It seems dads who are left "holding the baby" so to speak, are hero worshipped and thought of as extraordinary for simple being a lone parent, yet the single mums I know are offered no such praise? Why is this?
Also from experience I have seen/heard negative stereotyping about single mums as if they somehow chose it as a lifestyle decision or have brought it on themselves (when in reality the single mums I know are mid-30s divorcees). But yet again single dads are given the sympathy vote and "how awful for him that the mother doesn't have/want custody".

AIBU to be irritated by this?

OP posts:
Albinohedgehogs · 04/09/2017 19:39

Yadnbu and I'm sure my dad (single parent) used to use it to pull. Angry

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 04/09/2017 19:39

Yanbu.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 04/09/2017 19:40

YANBU. Although let's face it if a Dad mucks in and changes a nappy plenty will think he is some sort of hero so to be raising a baby/child alone must make them godlike ;-)

Original poster
Winosaurus · 04/09/2017 19:42

It really pisses me off to be honest.
I'm not saying this dad in particular isn't doing a job worthy of praise because in my opinion anyone raising a child alone is a superhero - it's bloody hard! But why are these lovely mums not revered the same way? What about the fantastic mum of 3 who's husband absconded to another city with the OW and she's been holding down the fort on her own for the last year... is she not amazing too?

OP posts:
Original poster
Winosaurus · 04/09/2017 19:43

GoodEnough I once read a quote on here from a poster which said "It takes very little to be considered a good father, and very little to be considered a bad mother"

OP posts:
lookatyourwatchnow · 04/09/2017 19:44

This REALLY annoys me too

ChicRock · 04/09/2017 19:45

YANBU.

Many years ago I used to take DS to a baby group. There was a single dad there and the group facilitator as well as nearly all of the other mums used to fall over themselves to take his baby off him, sit him down, bring him coffee and biscuits (the rest of us had to go to the counter to get our own), keep an eye on his child whilst he had a rest, fawn over him, tell him how simply amazing he was, cluck sympathetically if he had to lift a finger to shock horror - parent his own child or change a nappy during the session.

It used to make me cringe.

But then you've only got to read a few threads on here to see how low the bar is set for men when it comes to "looking after" their own children or "helping out" round their own house.

c3pu · 04/09/2017 19:47

It pisses me off, and I'm a single dad who went to some lengths to bring up his kids properly (50/50 shared care).

Any time someone tells me I'm some sort of hero I politely remind them I'm doing nothing more out of the ordinary that any other parent would do...

Original poster
Winosaurus · 04/09/2017 19:49

c3pu YES! Thank you!
Fathers want equal rights parenting then they should do equal parenting as a whole!

OP posts:
Manclife · 04/09/2017 19:50

Interesting, because all the dad's I know who go alone (with kids) to play groups get shunned for being different.

Urubu · 04/09/2017 19:50

YA a little bit U
I guess being a single dad is different because they are a minority amongst single/sah parents.
So each of their move is scrutinized and judged, people might be speculating about why he is looking after his DC (when they wouldn't question it with a mum), it might be more difficult for him to make friends (why sahm call "mum friends").
Same kind of things that a woman would face working in a male dominated industry, I guess. She will get people telling her she is brave to do it (even though she does the same as her male colleagues).

Summercat · 04/09/2017 19:51

YANBU OP. And you are right about....

"It takes very little to be considered a good father, and very little to be considered a bad mother"^

WOW never heard that before. Very profound and true.

Like if a man sods off and leave the wife and kids, he is a git, or a bit of a twat, but if a WOMAN leaves her kids, she is pure 22 carat evil and should never have been allowed to breed! Angry

The single dad raising kids alone and being praised when single mums are not, AND the women being lambasted for having a career after having kids, (when men are not,) are just two of many things that are an advantage for men over women. Another example is that men can return to work and continue to forge a career after becoming a parent, but women are ill thought of, selfish, and 'bad mothers.' Etc etc... Hmm

Original poster
Winosaurus · 04/09/2017 19:51

Chicrock ahhhh we had one of those dads.
And I was at the same group with a baby with colic who hadn't slept for more than 45mins at a time in 4 days and I was told repeatedly to "just get on with it" whilst the single dad was flirted with, admired and brought lattes Sad

OP posts:
Summercat · 04/09/2017 19:53

Ooops got muddled. My last paragraph was meant to read..

The single dad raising kids alone and being praised when single mums are not, AND the women being called evil for leaving kids, (when men are not,) are just two of many things that are an advantage for men over women. Another example is that men can return to work and continue to forge a career after becoming a parent, but women are ill thought of, selfish, and 'bad mothers.' Etc etc... hmm

StarOnTheTree · 04/09/2017 19:53

I'm a single parent and I have a group of single parent friends. One of them is a single dad and one of the mums regularly sings his praises just for agreeing to raise his own child because...... It's not natural and parenting is much harder for men!!!!!!!!

It comes up every few months and I challenge her every single time. It's getting very tedious.

c3pu · 04/09/2017 19:53

Im an introvert, the very idea of people fawning over me for merely looking after the little people I raise fills me with horror.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 04/09/2017 19:54

Summer also re: working parents, why is it always assumed mum takes the time off with the kids when they're sick/ doctor's appts/ dentist etc yet dads have no such expectations placed on them even if they're not the main breadwinner.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 04/09/2017 19:54

YANBU at all.

It's along similar lines to me being told when I am out without kids/DH "Oh, is DH babysitting for you?" as if it was some kind of favour he was doing me.

My dad is terrible for this, my parents live in a different country, I don't see them as often as I'd like, but when my dad was ill this year I visited 2x in quick succession and my dad thanked DH for 'letting PD come' Hmm.

Sexist nonsense. But even when I spell it out he does not see it....

Original poster
Winosaurus · 04/09/2017 19:56

Urubu I disagree... the single dads I know are praised for EVERYTHING, it is the women who are scrutinised... usually by other women too? Seems so unfair

OP posts:
Original poster
Winosaurus · 04/09/2017 19:56

ARGHHHH don't even get me started on dads "babysitting" their own children! He's their dad not a paid helper FFS!

OP posts:
Llanali · 04/09/2017 19:56

My DH has had the same experience as @Manclife

He was shunned as the only bloke at groups, some bitch accused him
Of being at soft play for nefarious purposes "why would a man be here watching all these little girls!?" And was singled out be health visitors as being a risk parent.

StatisticallyChallenged · 04/09/2017 19:57

YASoNBU!

I'm married but DH does the school runs and it was him who went part time when our DC was born.

I have it even worse though, he now works in childcare. Talk about sainthood!

Original poster
Winosaurus · 04/09/2017 19:57

Llanali that's sick. Your poor DH how awful for him Sad

OP posts:
WellErrr · 04/09/2017 19:59

YANBU

StatisticallyChallenged · 04/09/2017 20:02

What Llanali says is the flip side of it - I've seen DH told off for taking a photo in soft play when there was literally 10 other women standing around with their camera phones out snapping away who weren't told to stop (I was sitting at the other bit so not obviously with him IYSWIM)

Also had a female childcare provider take against him and try to cause massive trouble

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