To be annoyed about single dads?

[Winosaurus]

Today at the playground yet again there was an overly friendly display to the single dad of a child in my DDs class. He raises his son alone (which is of course admirable) but all I hear from the other mums is what a hero he is for doing it... am I missing something? How is he any different to the several single mothers raising children in the same class?
It seems dads who are left "holding the baby" so to speak, are hero worshipped and thought of as extraordinary for simple being a lone parent, yet the single mums I know are offered no such praise? Why is this?
Also from experience I have seen/heard negative stereotyping about single mums as if they somehow chose it as a lifestyle decision or have brought it on themselves (when in reality the single mums I know are mid-30s divorcees). But yet again single dads are given the sympathy vote and "how awful for him that the mother doesn't have/want custody".

AIBU to be irritated by this?

Notevil that's what I meant. Not annoyed at the dads themselves just the twatty way people act toward them

No, they mean being snide little shits. Bit like your post!

No, they mean they expected to have women include them and were offended that they didn't because it's women's job to look after everyone. That's how society normally functions and people don't like it when others break the rules.

Imagine a woman going to a place with mainly men and complaining that everyone didn't include them. As if.

I don't think men have the same bond with their children as women.

So when one shows they have, it wrongfoots people.

No, they mean they expected to have women include them and were offended that they didn't because it's women's job to look after everyone

So you were there and knew what happened?

It has nothing to do with being male/female it's about being a decent human being.

YANBU but it's the way we've all been conditioned to think, and I've been guilty of it myself in the past, despite being raised by a single mother and also now being a single mother myself.

I've momentarily admired a single dad quite greatly for taking in the role of main parent, and I've also momentarily judged women a woman who left her children living with their dad when she separated with him.

I have since given my head a wobble and realised that the dad was no more admirable than women who take on the role as sole parent and the woman was not a bad person for having her children only once or twice a week whilst they resided mainly with their father.

Yanbu men are are on pedestals, women are poorly regarded in society

Yanbu. But the same people who fawn over single dads do the same about any dad doing normal parenting. They're just refugees from 1950 and not worth being offended by.

And for the dads that felt excluded at parent groups etc, trust me that's not down to being a dad. Sometimes it might be mothers of newborns discussing birth etc when it's natural they won't invite you to join the conversation. Sometimes it's just people who aren't paying attention, but aren't ignoring you anymore than they would a woman. And sometimes they are just cliquey twats who'll exclude you in the same way they'll exclude any female they don't take a liking to. If you want to experience twats at parenting groups, try being a young single mum, that really brings them out. Ditto for the school gates.

As for other parents being funny about dads hosting play dates, I was once asked if I would be having boyfriends round during a play date. 'Yes, of course, as I'm not with dd's father I generally invite randomers round for a shag at lunchtime'

I do think it is frustrating that single dads get all the praise, but that in itself shows the difficulty of being a single dad in that a lot of people around them have the ingrained idea that dads can't be equal to mothers, so one that is trying is a saint.

From my own experience being raised by a single dad, he had a lot of patronising parents telling him 'well done' for raising his children. He was also accused of being a paedophile for watching me on the swings, a kidnapper when he was picking me up from school, the mums at the school ignored him, and parents wouldn't let their children come round to the house because they thought it was weird he was on his own. More than once he was told to marry a nice girl to look after us because its unnatural for a man to raise children, and it was once suggested by my grandparents that my brother and I live with our aunt for a better upbringing.
And now that I have a great relationship with him, my only parent, people have told me to stop hugging him as they think its weird that a father and daughter are so close.

I do definitely see where you are coming from, but single dads and single mums both suffer through other people's opinions.

YANBU in the slightest.

@Winosaurus

Summer also re: working parents, why is it always assumed mum takes the time off with the kids when they're sick/ doctor's appts/ dentist etc yet dads have no such expectations placed on them even if they're not the main breadwinner.

So true! It proper pisses me off.

Basically, even from the birth, the woman seems to be expected to be more responsible. The man can sod off to the pub within an hour of the birth. (And do!) Imagine if the woman just dumped the baby on her husband and fucked off to the pub with her mates an HOUR after having a baby?!

And yeah, the 'isn't your hubby so lovely BABYsitting for you?' thing pisses me off!' Grrrr! That gives me the rage! It's right up there with 'WOW! did you let her drive the car?!'

Summercat pissing myself laughing here at the mental image of a new mum getting up off the hospital bed, handing baby to nearby nurse, 'right, fuck this I'm off to the pub!'

I wish I had done that.

Never a truer word was spoken OP.

The attitude really is that 'Oh, it's a woman's job' to do child rearing but if blokes do it they're a fucking hero.

Use to work with a bloke who was amazing because shock! He used to bake muffins with his kids at the weekend

Y'know whilst his wife is making dinner every frigging night and keeping the ship afloat. But that's her job isn't it, so it doesn't really count. Wife work is what it bloody is!

Ynbu.
Different as I'm not a single mother and my husband is a very hands on father with our 3 children. Nits the word OUR. I'm always being told how lucky I am.
Wtf? Last time I checked I can't produce both egg and sperm. He is their parent too. He doesn't get a medal for being a parent. Pisses me right off how people act differently because a father is a man. So fucking what.

*note not nits - bloody phone!

Have you noticed it's women who don't like fathers being praised, women who praise fathers for being regular parents, women who judge men for being at playgroups or soft play centres ...

The men seem neither self-congratulatory nor congratulating each other. They aren't moaning about each other or their FiLs.

Are we ever going to get to the point where rather than blaming society or the patriarchy or men, we look a little closer to home?

I hate this praise for dads when mums don't get the same.

In terms of parent and baby groups, lots are cliquey. Lots of women get frozen out too. You have to look around to find one that is not cliquey.

^yup, ive been ignored on plenty of occasions when ive been by myself with dc.

DD has a couple of pals with divorced parents doing shared care. Both the dad's have completely taken the piss about childcare at different times.

They both seem to think that as a woman, I am happy to do unpaid and reciprocated childcare, despite the fact that I work. Gives me the rage.

I was at a corporate sports event last year and the CEO of a major bank was there with one of his children. As he was introduced to me, he introduced his 9 yr old son, with "I apolgise but i am babysitting him today". I, four sheets to the wind, replied with "It is not called babysitting when it is your own child." Cue embarrassed laughter.

My friend still references it with a chuckle.

I've experienced this a bit when my children were little and my dh worked away a lot, did long hours etc, no one ever offered to help, even if I was ill. Didn't expect it either, they're my children. However, on a couple of occasions I was away for a weekend and people would invite dh over for supper with the children, offer to babysit them to give him a break etc, wtf!!!!

Btw I can't stand cliques who exclude people but I think it's both men and women who get excluded, there are regularly threads about dealing with the school gates mafia.

Hibert I agree with you, it's often women behaving like this, prioritising men, excluding men, judging each other for their choices. Maybe we should be a bit more supportive of each other.

More support for mothers is the way to go here. It is a good thing that dads get praised. The issue is that mums are not being praised equally. Some posts here seem to advocate the males being brought down to women level. Why not argue that the women should move up instead? All parents (especially single parents of either sex) should be praised so highly for what they do.

I'm a single mother of two.

Never ever come across anyone expressing, directly or obliquely, a negative view on my situation or that it is somehow a lifestyle choice.

And personally I do have a bit more, not sure of right word, perhaps sympathy, for single dads. They will likely NOT have the same support network as single mums and I am very much of the view that biologically women, in the main, are better care givers than men. That must make it harder for most single fathers.

what I find annoying is the couples rallying round the other couples when one of them has to "single parent" for a week... whislt simulataneously ignoring any difficulties the single parents who ssingle parent all the bloody time...

oh and how wonderful the dads are for opening the door so mum could push the pram through...

I'm not a single parent but dp regularly gets praise for perfectly normal behaviour. Always from women and tbh it's usually from women whose experience has been very different (largely disinterested partners). If women don't go out of their way to include the fathers then their they are cliquey, snide, SAHM mafia. If they do go out of their way then they are flirty, sycophants letting the side down. Sounds very much like women can't win either way.