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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed about single dads?

95 replies

Winosaurus · 04/09/2017 19:37

Today at the playground yet again there was an overly friendly display to the single dad of a child in my DDs class. He raises his son alone (which is of course admirable) but all I hear from the other mums is what a hero he is for doing it... am I missing something? How is he any different to the several single mothers raising children in the same class?
It seems dads who are left "holding the baby" so to speak, are hero worshipped and thought of as extraordinary for simple being a lone parent, yet the single mums I know are offered no such praise? Why is this?
Also from experience I have seen/heard negative stereotyping about single mums as if they somehow chose it as a lifestyle decision or have brought it on themselves (when in reality the single mums I know are mid-30s divorcees). But yet again single dads are given the sympathy vote and "how awful for him that the mother doesn't have/want custody".

AIBU to be irritated by this?

OP posts:

brasty · 05/09/2017 09:28

Also dads have to make the effort at parent and toddler groups.

FrenchJunebug · 05/09/2017 10:35

YANBU as a single mum it really annoys me.

minoandolphin · 05/09/2017 11:07

Imagine a woman going to a place with mainly men and complaining that everyone didn't include them. As if

Really, MrsDusty? If you were at, say, a work event, with all male colleagues, and they all spent the evening talking to each other and deliberately excluding you, you wouldn't think that was cause for complaint? Pretty sure I've read threads on here to that effect, and it does happen. Ostracising someone solely because of their sex is always unfair, whoever it's directed at.

Agree with user above - I don't think putting down single fathers is the answer here. We should be raising up single mothers to the same level.

WhooooAmI24601 · 05/09/2017 11:12

Single Dad in DS2's Class and the Mums fawn over him like he's the second coming. There are also two single Mums in that class who nobody congratulates for getting their DCs dressed and fed daily.

A lot of folks somehow end up sneering as though Single Mums are feckless for ending up in that situation whilst Single Dads are given a round of applause and a victory lap for sorting some laundry. Madness. Parenting in any way shape or form is exhausting. Doing it solo is the most incredible thing regardless of gender.

lunar1 · 05/09/2017 11:18

years ago dh was in hospital for a week after he developed diabetes, We had a 1&4 year old. He got plenty of visitors and I managed everything on my own for him, the children and visiting him.

Last year I had emergency surgery, our children were 8&5 so loads easier. My friend ferried the children to and from school, took them out so he could rest. The fridge and freezer were bloody full from the nurses he works with bringing him food.

Fucking FB was a stream of comments about what a hero he was!

Walkingtowork · 05/09/2017 11:47

That's so weird Whoooo it assumes that every relationship breakdown is the woman's fault. This attitude reminds me of the kind of crap my dm would come out with about some women "not being able to keep a man". When the evidence is all around that you can try as hard as humanly possible and men will often leave anyway.

Cleverest trick of the patriarchy: auto-oppression of women by women. We must stand together against it.

Louiselouie0890 · 05/09/2017 11:57

It takes little for a dad to be brilliant, it takes little for a mum to be a failure.

I hate it but I also hate when people question OH where I am when he pops to the shop with them.

Jaxhog · 05/09/2017 12:06

I wonder if it's because people think most single mums chose to be single mums, whereas single dads almost never made that choice.

Also single mums have other single mums to talk to, whereas single dads are usually not so welcome in groups etc. so have less support.

Original poster

Winosaurus · 05/09/2017 12:09

Jaxhog I have never known of a single mother through choice... every woman (including myself) it has been due to a neglectful/ absent father through HIS choice

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 05/09/2017 12:19

DH found the two toddler groups where we live were a real split when he was on his own with DS1. At one he was like a hero - the brave widow who'd given up his job (he hadn't wanted too, but nights don't work as a single parent to a toddler) to sacrafice everything for his child. Then when DS was older he took him to a different one who basically treated him like he was a predatory paedophile who had managed to set up being widowed just to give him access to playgroups.

Lurkedforever1 · 05/09/2017 12:34

Now now wino don't lie. Bet you tricked some poor guy into getting you pregnant so you could get a free house and benefits, and use access to dcs to bleed your poor ex dry. It's only single dads that are allowed to have a useless ex.

jax where are these single mother groups where we all get to meet our own kind and make friends?

backOffSunshine · 05/09/2017 13:55

Cleverest trick of the patriarchy

Walkingtowork · 05/09/2017 15:32

My mistake - cleverest trick it to make women police each other's behaviour and not even realise whose interests it serves

backOffSunshine · 05/09/2017 15:41

Whose interest does it serve?

I'm pretty sure the patriarchy (whoever he is) couldn't give a fuck about us arguing over whether strimming our pubes is free choice or internalised misogyny.

Is a neat bush some form of extremely complex keeping-women-down movement designed to protect men from the march of equality? Clearly much too intricate and complex for me to get my head around.

Walkingtowork · 05/09/2017 15:59

I can't get my head around your train of thought either, so let's call it quits then?

backOffSunshine · 05/09/2017 16:07

haha - I'm not surprised.

I thought I was posting on the thread about shaving vs feminism.

No wonder I confused you!

Sorry

FrenchJunebug · 05/09/2017 16:11

Winosaurus I am a single mum by choice: I was single (still am) and wanted a child. They are lots of us around....

FrenchJunebug · 05/09/2017 16:12

Being a single mum by choice doesn't mean it is any less difficult than having single mumnest thrown at you btw.

Northernparent68 · 05/09/2017 19:34

Clarts, I'm sorry for what you went through

ticketytock1 · 05/09/2017 19:39

Yanbu. As pp have said anyone raising children alone is a fucking superhero.
It's the same when in a married couple the mum goes out with her friends... 'who has the kids? Is dad babysitting?' No he's not fucking babysitting they are his kids. The dad's never get asked when they are out of the mum is baby sitting!

Just another example of why women still 🙄 aren't equal to men in 2017... we probably never will be

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