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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want more communication with childminder?

70 replies

Goodbyechuck · 04/09/2017 19:08

DS goes to a registered childminder 1 day a week, and has been going for around 10 months now. Overall I'm happy with the care she gives DS, he's settled there and she has always seemed like a lovely family lady who treats the children she cares for as if they were her own.
However recently I have started to feel that I am unhappy with the communication (or lack of) that I have with her. DP drops off and collects DS from her house on his way to and from work, so I very rarely ever actually see her face to face, and have probably only met her around 4 times in person around the time he first started going there. I'm not able to go with DP as I am in work at those times which is in the opposite direction. I text her every week on my dinner and ask how he is, to which she replies a brief answer usually something like "he says great, having dinner" etc. He has a journal in which she writes what he's eaten that day and a sentence about what they did. Other than that, that's the only communication I myself have with her.

When DS first started going to her we agreed she would give him his evening meal as it's quite late that DP finishes work, and until today I always thought that was still the case, so DP has not been giving DS any dinner once they're home before he gets ready for bed. I had today off work so was home when they got in, and hadn't made DS any dinner for this same reason. It was only when I checked in his journal I realised she hadn't filled in the evening meal section for around 6 weeks, just an 'afternoon' snack which is usually fruit or a sandwich around 4. I check his journal every time he goes but by the time I'm home from work that day he's in bed asleep, so I'm guilty of not really paying enough attention to his meals and look at what they've been doing. I text her earlier to ask if he hadn't been having an evening meal recently or had she just not got round to filling that section in. She replied and said that she had infact not been giving him an evening meal anymore as he won't wait for it and wants to eat a snack with the other children at 4pm. This is fine, but I feel she should have at least text me to make me aware of this change, or ask if that was okay etc.

I'm not really criticising her for any of this, I know I should have paid more attention to his meals in his journals. And I feel this way more so than DP and he speaks with her in person twice on the day DS goes there. I'm more so asking, would I BU to ask for more communication? I feel one very brief sentence on a text isn't enough? And when we chose her we were under the impression we would get some sort of portfolio- photos etc and info on his development. Would I be being precious, or to use the dreaded MN favourite 'entitled' to ask for a little more? As I say I'm happy overall with the care she gives, and eventually my hours in work will change, we will rely less on family and more so on paid childcare, so potentially may ask her to have DS more days in future if she has the availability.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
NancyDonahue · 04/09/2017 19:22

If she's communicating twice daily with his dad then she sounds fine. I assume he asks, or she tells him about his day? She's probably busy hence the short texts.

The dinner thing is a worry though. She should have told you that he's only had a snack.

As for the development folder, is she doing this to give to you when he leaves?

Maybe you could try and catch up with her, say once a month, for a quick update chat.

Me264 · 04/09/2017 19:25

I wouldn't expect much communication personally beyond telling whoever picks him up how his day has been etc. Talk to your DH, mine is terrible for not really getting any info when he picks DS up from nursery. He doesn't retain any of the stuff they tell us like what he's eaten and how long he's slept. We get developmental reports from nursery every 6 months or so, so maybe ask her about that.

honeylulu · 04/09/2017 19:26

I definitely think she should tell you of any changes. I'm not a precious parent by any stretch.
Our childminder (who now works for us as a part time nanny) occasionally changed things without telling me and I always politely said something and it was fine.
For example my son would have his bath at her house and get into pyjamas. Then we realised that he wasn't having a bath (despite being in pyjamas at pick up). It turned out that her older child (autistic) had become too much of a handful and she didn't want to be out of earshot for too long. Of course this was fine with us but it's better to be told so we all know what's going on.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/09/2017 19:31

I think it's your dp you should be taking this up with.
Why is he not capable of communicating with her at drop off/pick up?

Bubblysqueak · 04/09/2017 19:35

Of course she can't text you lots throughout the day she is busy with the children. It's up to your dp to communicate with cm at handover time and pass this on to you. Although the cm should have communicated mode effectively about the evening meal.

KittyVonCatsington · 04/09/2017 19:36

For only having him one day a week, I think she is communicating just fine. She does exactly what my nursery does: a sheet with food/nappy changes ticked off and an informal brief chat at drop off and pick up.
She had communicated to you that he wasn't having an evening meal anymore as he didn't want it and for 6 weeks as well. If you don't read what she writes, you can hardly blame her.
I think it's maybe your DP that needs to communicate more, maybe?

Original poster
Goodbyechuck · 04/09/2017 19:43

Yer I've already said to DP that he needs to retain more info and communicate it back to me. He too is terrible at that sort of thing and asking him things about what the CM has said etc often leaves me feeling none the wiser.
I do understand how busy she must be and can't text me lengthy paragraphs in the middle of the day, I wouldn't expect her to. As I say I'm taking my part in this as tbf to her, I've never communicated with her that I would like more feedback to me, I've always wondered if I wasn't being too full on if I did- hence this post before I do ask.

And my point about the dinner thing is that she didnt communicate a change to me at all. I do read what she writes, but the way I found this out is just simply that she'd been leaving the evening meal section blank. If she's wrote a little note explaining why he'd had no evening meal and I'd missed it and not read it, it would be fine. But there was no note about it, no text, no mention to DP (from what he's told me when I've asked anyway!) and I feel she could have communicated this better.

OP posts:
HenryIX · 04/09/2017 19:44

Childcare providers need to communicate with the parent that they see. They don't have time for phoning or texting other parents. You and dh need to talk to each other more, and read the written info she is giving you

lookingbeyond40 · 04/09/2017 19:45

My partner drops my DS to nursery and picks him up so I don't see the staff either. However I do rely on my DP to ask the questions I can't. However he's quite flippant about it!! Not much detail relayed! However I'm sure if you emailed her any particular questions she wouldn't mind answering them.

But I think the information you are getting is pretty standard. If there's nothing to feedback about, take that as a good sign!

Pumpkintopf · 04/09/2017 19:45

I think she can't send you long texts on your dinner break as she's got her hands full looking after your child. She's obviously trying to communicate using the journal, and has probably assumed you would read it and query the evening meal thing if you wanted to. The development portfolio is probably being collated for when he leaves/starts school but I'm sure she'd be happy to show you what she has so far if you wanted.

bridgetreilly · 04/09/2017 19:49

I really think you a BU. She should be communicating things like the dinner change to your DP, but I don't think you should be expecting her to bypass him and contact you instead.

Original poster
Goodbyechuck · 04/09/2017 19:53

bridget I'm not expecting her to bypass him at all. I'm just wondering if it would be acceptable for me to ask her for some regular (even if only once a month) communication about DS myself. As DP is not great at communicating things back and the info she writes in the journal is extremely ( and much more so now than when he first started there) brief. DP does drop offs and collections, but it's me who sorts out her payments, me who she writes the invoices too, and me who texts and checks in with her whilst she is actually minding my DS.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 04/09/2017 19:56

I think she should have told your DH that your DS wasn't having an evening meal but I think she's going beyond the call of duty already by having to text you an update everyday.
I can't imagine my CM being very impressed of me or DH started doing this to her. You must be driving her a bit bonkers.
She talks to your DH twice a day and keeps a diary there is no need talk to you as well.
With regards to the portfolio this is something that you usually get to review annually to see what parts of the EYFS framework your child has completed. A bit like you would at a parents evening, it's a work in progress not something which can do checked daily or weekly because it would be meaningless.

KittyVonCatsington · 04/09/2017 19:57

I'm just wondering if it would be acceptable for me to ask her for some regular (even if only once a month) communication about DS myself.

Yes, I think it would be a little unacceptable. Not her fault re: your DP.

DopeOnARope · 04/09/2017 19:59

I suspect your DP is guilty of not passing in the change from meal to afternoon snack. And it was, after all, in the journal, what he had had.

Your DP has Day to day contact and communication with the chilminder. His lack of detail in reporting back to you isn't her fault. Imagine a post on MN from a Mum: 'AIBU. I drop Dc at the childminders every day and do all the handovers but my DH wants his own text update from her in his lunch break '. I'm not sure MN would think the DH was being reasonable.

It's hard: in your situation I would feel very disconnected too, but I don't think you can blame the CM.

I wouldn't want a CM who did a lot of texting in the day.

Original poster
Goodbyechuck · 04/09/2017 20:06

As I say I'm not expecting her to text me a lot in the day when she's minding the children. I text her once asking 'hey how's DS?' And she replies and that's that. As DS's mother I don't understand why that would be driving her 'bonkers'? DS is my first so I'm not really fully aware of what the norm is when it comes to childcare, and again, it's not something I'm blaming CM for as she's not a mind reader! The only thing I wasn't happy about was the meal thing but it's not something I'm furious about I just wish I (or DP) had been asked or at least made aware of it verbally.

OP posts:
BritInUS1 · 04/09/2017 20:06

YABU it's not the childminders fault that DP is useless at retaining information

Regarding dinner she wrote what he had had in the diary and she may well have mentioned it to DP and he has forgotten

I think your DP needs to step up and feed back to you

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/09/2017 20:09

YABU it's not the childminders fault that DP is useless at retaining information

I agree. It's him you should be bringing this up with not the CM.

Nicknacky · 04/09/2017 20:15

My set up with the cm is similar to yours. But I do think you are being a little unreasonable, it might only be one text from you but if all parents were doing that then that would get annoying for her.

And no way should she be doing some form of report back when she is already doing a journal and verbal feedback.

AhNowTed · 04/09/2017 20:21

You're being unreasonable.

She's already speaking to the child's parent twice a day and keeping a journal.

There is no need for you to text her never mind ask for a further report.

I would expect a communication from her in the event of an emergency only.

Original poster
Goodbyechuck · 04/09/2017 20:26

Tbh it had never even occurred to me that sending one text on my dinner at work was too much, it's one day a week. When we met with her before she started minding him she said something along the lines of "I'm always at the end of the phone or a text away, it might take me a while to reply but I will when I can so text me as much as you need!", and ever since I send that one text out of habit really. I don't really understand how asking how my son is at the actual time she's minding him is too much really, but has given me something to think about.

Noted about DP though, I'm going to have another word with him and tell him I need to know the kinds of things she's telling him at the drop offs and collections.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodbyechuck · 04/09/2017 20:27

DS is only 1 if that makes any difference and he's often insecure so I do worry about him sometimes if he's been upset that morning.

OP posts:
Lovingmybear2 · 04/09/2017 20:30

The childminder baths your child honey wow that's really strange and not considered safe as a cm has other minders to watch and it's not really considered normal for cms to bath kids unless it's been a poo tsunami. I would never have agrees right that for precisely the reasons your cm stopped. They are not a nanny although see she is now! Grin

Op if a cm is seen to be on her phone all the time it doesn't look good. My texts to parents were brief and factual.

Your dh should be communicating with the cm if he's the pick up parent and it's him you should be talking to.

He's there one day a week so you wouldn't get war and peace Smile

Nicknacky · 04/09/2017 20:32

It's just my opinion but I just let the cm get on with it while we are at work. I trust her judgement and I'm happy my kids are happy when they are in her care. Both mine went to cm at 1 year old.

She would let you know if there was an issue.

Lovingmybear2 · 04/09/2017 20:32

But hey your ds is 1 and of course you worry Flowers but you say he's happy and settled so personally I would take that and relax

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