To want more communication with childminder?

[Goodbyechuck]

DS goes to a registered childminder 1 day a week, and has been going for around 10 months now. Overall I'm happy with the care she gives DS, he's settled there and she has always seemed like a lovely family lady who treats the children she cares for as if they were her own.
However recently I have started to feel that I am unhappy with the communication (or lack of) that I have with her. DP drops off and collects DS from her house on his way to and from work, so I very rarely ever actually see her face to face, and have probably only met her around 4 times in person around the time he first started going there. I'm not able to go with DP as I am in work at those times which is in the opposite direction. I text her every week on my dinner and ask how he is, to which she replies a brief answer usually something like "he says great, having dinner" etc. He has a journal in which she writes what he's eaten that day and a sentence about what they did. Other than that, that's the only communication I myself have with her.

When DS first started going to her we agreed she would give him his evening meal as it's quite late that DP finishes work, and until today I always thought that was still the case, so DP has not been giving DS any dinner once they're home before he gets ready for bed. I had today off work so was home when they got in, and hadn't made DS any dinner for this same reason. It was only when I checked in his journal I realised she hadn't filled in the evening meal section for around 6 weeks, just an 'afternoon' snack which is usually fruit or a sandwich around 4. I check his journal every time he goes but by the time I'm home from work that day he's in bed asleep, so I'm guilty of not really paying enough attention to his meals and look at what they've been doing. I text her earlier to ask if he hadn't been having an evening meal recently or had she just not got round to filling that section in. She replied and said that she had infact not been giving him an evening meal anymore as he won't wait for it and wants to eat a snack with the other children at 4pm. This is fine, but I feel she should have at least text me to make me aware of this change, or ask if that was okay etc.

I'm not really criticising her for any of this, I know I should have paid more attention to his meals in his journals. And I feel this way more so than DP and he speaks with her in person twice on the day DS goes there. I'm more so asking, would I BU to ask for more communication? I feel one very brief sentence on a text isn't enough? And when we chose her we were under the impression we would get some sort of portfolio- photos etc and info on his development. Would I be being precious, or to use the dreaded MN favourite 'entitled' to ask for a little more? As I say I'm happy overall with the care she gives, and eventually my hours in work will change, we will rely less on family and more so on paid childcare, so potentially may ask her to have DS more days in future if she has the availability.

What are your thoughts?

I love OPs like you OP!

My grandson has been going to a childminder one day a week since he was 9 months old and in addition to his daily diary which contains brief info, the childminder has compiled a portfolio which includes photographs of activities and an on going assessment of his development. This is sent home every six weeks and parents invited to comment. He is due to start nursery in September and as part of the introductions the nursery have asked to see the portfolio so I did think this was normal childminder practice - maybe you should ask.

Your DP is presumably a fully functioning adult. Don't infantilise him

I would love that kind of thing suze

And I'm really not sure what you mean jiggly I've not done that at all. I've simply said he's not great at remembering things and relaying them back to me when I ask. He is the first to admit that

Goodness I feel sorry for childminders if this is the level of communication required of them! Imagine having to write a daily diary and send update texts to the parents of all the mindees every day. Surely speaking to the person dropping off and picking up is plenty for opportunity to pass on any message. Fwiw my DCs always had their tea at the CMers. Even so, I asked every time when I collected them. Not because I was checking up but because you never know when one day they didn't because they were feeling out of sorts or had a big lunch or whatever. Your DP just needs to ask. He doesn't really need to report to you though. That's odd. He is the one picking him up and feeding him/putting to bed.

It is always nice when you get a bit extra. I didm;t use a cm when my dd were that age but they were in nursery. I used to get emailed photos most days of things she'd just done. they had an iPad so they took photos and emailed them straight away. It truly made my day to see them, knowing dd was having fun while i was at work. They only did it in the baby room and tbh now dd is 3, I don't need that reassurance. I agree you can't demand more information but it is understandable you'd like it.

backie I've already admitted that I've realised I was BU to ask more communication from CM that I get already, and I've already said that I will stop texting her every time just to see how she is. Whilst I would love more feedback in the form of photos etc I will not be asking for more communication (unless ofc given the opportunity to ask in the form of a survey etc again) and will relax a little after the very helpful responses from this thread.

However, to suggest that I don't even ask my own DP what the CM has said about my own DS that day when I never speak to the woman face to face or on the phone is absolutely ridiculous IMO. I would find it very odd if a DM (or DF) didn't ask the other parent who spoke to the CM what they'd said about their DC!

to suggest that I don't even ask my own DP what the CM has said about my own DS that day when I never speak to the woman face to face or on the phone is absolutely ridiculous IMO

Oh asking your DP how DS was, is quite different than expecting him to report back to you whichever was discussed upthread. Two different things.

Sorry backie may need to agree to disagree. Wouldn't obviously expect anything word for word! But would like to know what she said they'd done that day and if there were any changes or anything of any importance or significance- I would like him to ask a little more if he is the only real communication between CM and DP's. Often when I ask DP he says "errrrrm no don't think so" and that's it so I would like a little more. She is Ofsted registered and I know she is required to give some feedback. If it's not acceptable for me to ask her directly if she's giving the feedback directly to DP then I should be able to ask DP what she has said as the other parent of DS IMO.

Poor DP. You describe him as if he is a clueless teenager.

You were off work today and could have took the opportunity to pick up you child at the cm and personally interact.

If I was the cm I be wondering why I bother to write a daily diary if parents aren't going to read them properly.

Tbh when I or h pick up the kids we just ask how they were and it's a brief "oh fine, busy day" or whatever then I read her journal. I'm usually putting coats on and conscious that she is probably glad to see the back of them all!

You dc is only there one day a week, you need to relax a little. There isn't generally going to be anything significant to tell you and you need to trust her that if there was, she would tell you without you needing to ask first.

I'm not even sure I ask h what the cm said that day. Maybe I'm too laid back!!

I think it's not really clear what feedback you want.

However you need to decide and ask your dp to discuss this at handover.

I've never heard of cm needing to speak to a client in the evening, they're not paid enough for that!

I think the journal she does sounds great and covers everything. Not her fault if you didn't notice the lack of evening meal for six weeks and personally I would have checked that on drop off or collection after the first time it happened.

Should really be your dp responsibility to check and deal with the journal I would think, unless he can't read or something.
I do school runs for my 3 dc and deal with any paperwork / check homework folders as they come in (or while they're eating afternoon snack). I wouldn't expect dh to ferret through bags three hours later when he gets home from work.

I've described him in no way at all, simply stated he doesn't tell me much when I ask him what the CM said! And as a direct response to many posters stating that it is me and him who should be communicating more may I add! As I say he's the first to admit he doesn't remember things that people say very well! but okay backie we'll leave it there I think! Had lots and lots of helpful responses which have made me see I'm BU to expect anything more from the CM

Sadly mumof56 although I was off work today I couldn't have picked up DS myself as much as I would've liked to. I don't drive and his CMs is not in walking distance. If DP was to come back from work to pick me up first before collecting DS it would've meant he was being collected quite a lot later than agreed.

I think you've had a bit of a hard time on on this thread OP. Well done for sticking with it and not flouncing.

I remain of the same view as I did upthread that if a childminder decides to change a significant aspect of your child's care than previously agreed, this does need to be clearly conveyed to the parents.
I don't think it was enough to just fill in a different section of the form. If I'd read it i may have assumed that he'd been given a cold evening meal rather than a hot dinner, but not that he'd been fed two hours earlier than agreed, particularly if the change was not discussed or pointed out.
I am just wondering though if she did tell your husband (which I would deem sufficient notice) and it didn't register? Dads can be a bit more "whatever" about childcare issues.

One final thing - if you can afford it please learn to drive! It will open up your life!

Ive used a childminder and been the parent who picked up and dropped off. I think to her your husband is her main contact and she will be telling him so probably isnt going to tell him then ring you to say the same thing. My childminder never really saw my husband if he had txt her im sure she would have replied a short txt. I sometimes text and get a similar short text eg hes happy, eating and talking lots. My childminder told me everything when i picked up and also did a online learning journal i had to agree to her doing this and sign to say she could photograph him and she did a sort of assesment but again i could opt out of this if i wanted to. Im not sure if all childminders do this? My friend sometimes texts and asks for a photo and gets one. I think your fine to txt but it will be brief and maybe you could ask for the odd photo but i think you need to tell your husband to find out whats been going on and let you know.

I think your cm sounds very normal. Mine only did a diary when kids were young babies. I do drop off and pick up so chat then - DH would not expect to get communication as well.

A few cms I know have a private Facebook group for parents which is great as it has a few photos and a brief description of days out etc.

Thanks honey. I am of the same view that the change with meal should've been pointed out too. As I said earlier I know I should've noticed before I did, but as he's already in bed and fast asleep by the time I'm home, his meals aren't something I look too carefully at, I look to see what they've been doing that day and if she's wrote anything of any significance. Maybe she did tell DP although he's adamant she didn't. It's no bother now we know I'll be making sure he's fed once they get home!

And tell me about it with the driving! It is a work in progress (albeit a slow one!)

Hi OP

Can I just share with you my experience, to hopefully give some kind of balance.

I totally get you're a new mum living in a social media world.

Forgive my brevity...

1. Folks are supporting the idea you should get a photo album. This is not the norm and your CM/DS relationship is not an Instagram event

1. Your CM is already communicating with a parent of the child twice daily.

1. Your CM shouldn't distinguish between mum and dad, i.e. Would you expect CM to also communicate with dad if you were the pickup parent. No you wouldn't

1. The CM is completing a diary already.

We had a fabulous CM for 15 years. She engaged our kids in crafts, outside activities, socialised them with other kids, and frankly kept them busy all day, with some downtime/TV time at end of day.

Put up with our DD dreadful eczema and all the creams that came with it, and was the most wonderful CM. Our kids are still in contact with her at 18 and 22.

We never called or texted during the day unless there was an emergency.

No social media or photos whatsoever.

Chat beginning and end of day is totally ample.

If your CM is doing a good job and DS is happy - just leave them be. Seriously.