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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want more communication with childminder?

70 replies

Goodbyechuck · 04/09/2017 19:08

DS goes to a registered childminder 1 day a week, and has been going for around 10 months now. Overall I'm happy with the care she gives DS, he's settled there and she has always seemed like a lovely family lady who treats the children she cares for as if they were her own.
However recently I have started to feel that I am unhappy with the communication (or lack of) that I have with her. DP drops off and collects DS from her house on his way to and from work, so I very rarely ever actually see her face to face, and have probably only met her around 4 times in person around the time he first started going there. I'm not able to go with DP as I am in work at those times which is in the opposite direction. I text her every week on my dinner and ask how he is, to which she replies a brief answer usually something like "he says great, having dinner" etc. He has a journal in which she writes what he's eaten that day and a sentence about what they did. Other than that, that's the only communication I myself have with her.

When DS first started going to her we agreed she would give him his evening meal as it's quite late that DP finishes work, and until today I always thought that was still the case, so DP has not been giving DS any dinner once they're home before he gets ready for bed. I had today off work so was home when they got in, and hadn't made DS any dinner for this same reason. It was only when I checked in his journal I realised she hadn't filled in the evening meal section for around 6 weeks, just an 'afternoon' snack which is usually fruit or a sandwich around 4. I check his journal every time he goes but by the time I'm home from work that day he's in bed asleep, so I'm guilty of not really paying enough attention to his meals and look at what they've been doing. I text her earlier to ask if he hadn't been having an evening meal recently or had she just not got round to filling that section in. She replied and said that she had infact not been giving him an evening meal anymore as he won't wait for it and wants to eat a snack with the other children at 4pm. This is fine, but I feel she should have at least text me to make me aware of this change, or ask if that was okay etc.

I'm not really criticising her for any of this, I know I should have paid more attention to his meals in his journals. And I feel this way more so than DP and he speaks with her in person twice on the day DS goes there. I'm more so asking, would I BU to ask for more communication? I feel one very brief sentence on a text isn't enough? And when we chose her we were under the impression we would get some sort of portfolio- photos etc and info on his development. Would I be being precious, or to use the dreaded MN favourite 'entitled' to ask for a little more? As I say I'm happy overall with the care she gives, and eventually my hours in work will change, we will rely less on family and more so on paid childcare, so potentially may ask her to have DS more days in future if she has the availability.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

DomesticDisgrace · 04/09/2017 20:33

In the kindest way, you are being unreasonable. She would text you if there's any issues, I'd find it very irritating having to reply "he's fine" "he's great" etc every day. What exactly are you expecting from Ger messages? She's trying to work.

She only has him one day a week, what sort of portfolio do you want her to compile? Are you worried about his development or is there some reason this is so important to you? Presumably you're with him a lot more so you will know everything and more that she could share with you.

treaclesoda · 04/09/2017 20:34

I'm sorry but I think YABU as well. I think it's a bit odd to randomly text the childcare provider just to see how he is. She is only ever going to say 'oh he's fine' because if he wasn't, she would already have contacted you or your partner.

Your partner's lack of communication about pickup isn't her problem, she hasn't done anything wrong I'm not contacting you.

BellyBean · 04/09/2017 20:38

I would expect your DH to relay info and a text can be difficult to respond to when busy. My cm used whatsapp to send a quick pic when out doing something lovely, and collated the pics for a monthly PowerPoint which also ticked boxes for ofsted.

Original poster

Goodbyechuck · 04/09/2017 20:41

I feel a little like people aren't reading my OP or my following posts. I'm not saying CM has done anything wrong (apart from the meal thing- I think that should've been explained- but not the EOTW). I don't expect her to text me long texts whilst she's minding children; when I'm wondering whether to ask for more communication I'm not referring to the length of her texts. I would mean maybe a phone call once a month (after hours) or something like that. The main point of my post is not to criticise or moan about CM, but to ask whether I should be expecting more communication or asking for it- because I genuinely don't know what the norm is.

Thanks for your responses though, definitely given me something to think about! There's no concerns I have about DS's development, it's just second nature to me really just to check in with how he's doing that day, I do the same with my MIL when she has him on my other working days. As it's something she reassured me about at first I've just always got in that habit of checking how he is.

There's not a particular portfolio I was expecting, I was just under the impression from the chats we had when we were looking for CMs that there would be regular updates really, but maybe I read too much into it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Goodbyechuck · 04/09/2017 20:42

bellybean that sort of thing I would love tbh! That would keep me happy! I think a lot of it is me being nosey and wondering what he's been up to that day! A photo now and again would be really lovely, but asking her for one has always seemed like I would definitely be taking the piss!

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 04/09/2017 20:44

But why would she phone you when she has spoken with his dad? He's an equal parent. People are reading your posts perfectly.

But what is it you want to know over and above what she has already told him?

InDubiousBattle · 04/09/2017 20:45

wondering if it would be acceptable for me to ask her for some regular (even if only once a month) communication about ds myself

Well she communicates with you by text once a day, speaks to your dp twice a day and writes a journal once a day....which you didn't read properly for 6 weeks! YABU.

superram · 04/09/2017 20:54

I am an ex childminder and would only expect a text from a parent if the child had been upset/ previously ill. I wouldn't expect a text every day I had them. I wouldn't agree to phone calls either when I see one of the parents twice a day.

Amaried · 04/09/2017 21:04

Honestly I get it, I do. He is the light of your life and you ideally want to know what he gets up to every minute he's away from you but you can't really ask for a monthly phone call when she sees your husband twice each week. She'll think you're bat sh*t crazy. You have to trust her that if there was anything to report she will
Absolutely tell ye.
I've been that solider but sometimes we need to hide the crazy and this is one of those times

Garliccalamari · 04/09/2017 21:08

She has a communication moment at drop off and pick up, a text once a day and she writes in a journal. That's 4 communication moments in one day, so average of 1 per two hours. Yes you are unreasonable if you think that that is not enough.

gamerwidow · 04/09/2017 21:09

Would you be prepared to pay for her time after hours when you want to to do her update phone call? I wouldn't expect to give my employees regular updates outside of working hours for nothing.

gamerwidow · 04/09/2017 21:10

*employers not employees

arethereanyleftatall · 04/09/2017 21:13

I think people are reading your posts, and they're saying quite clearly that yes, you're asking for too much communication.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/09/2017 21:15

But why would she phone you when she has spoken with his dad? He's an equal parent. People are reading your posts perfectly.

I agree.

Original poster

Goodbyechuck · 04/09/2017 21:15

Around 2 months after she started minding DS there was a survey she had placed in his journal asking if I was happy with the communication, and one of the suggestions on there was a phone call. This was around 8 months ago and at the time I felt okay with the communication so said I was happy with it. Obviously this is not CMs fault and if there was a time for me to speak up I know it should've been then! But as I say I didn't quite feel the way I do now as it was all still relatively new.

This is the reason though I have suggested (on this post only, for your honest opinions) a phonecall as a suggestion.

Thanks amaried and everyone else for your opinions though. They have been noted and I'm rethinking now!

OP posts:

toomanykidstocount · 04/09/2017 21:16

Just speak to the childminder - she's not a mind reader! She sounds lovely and probably doesnt even realise you're feeling a bit 'out of the loop' and will be only to pleased that you're showing an interest.

Original poster

Goodbyechuck · 04/09/2017 21:16

When I'm saying people aren't reading my posts, I'm referring to the people that keep mentioning the fact she can't text lengthy texts, when I've stated that's not what I meant. Or the people who are stating that certain things aren't her fault or problem when that's not what I've said.

OP posts:

echt · 04/09/2017 21:20

I'm a teacher, and I'd be if a parent who lives with the other parent wanted separate updates. You need to sort out your DP.

Lovingmybear2 · 04/09/2017 21:46

Op no you are asking if you are being unreasonable and most people are saying you are!

As a cm I wouldn't be phoning parents out of hours as I have my own family life. No one is being mean or not getting you are anxious we have all Been there but no if she communicates to your dh daily and texts you that's more than adequate. Let her get on. You say your ds is fine and happy so you be happy.

I used to send photos of the children to parents but it becomes a bloody mine field with safeguarding if you are in playgroups etc. And trust me parents look to see if the cm is on her phone and judge her.

Relax

KittyVonCatsington · 04/09/2017 21:47

The bottom line is, is that you want more communication from her, preferably in the form of a phone call (your words) and everyone is saying that yes, it is unreasonable to ask her to do so (and you already get more communication than most parents, with your extra text each time he is there).

Our little ones are so precious and it's hard being away from them but to paraphrase your thread title, you really need more communication from your DP, not your childminder.

Eastie77 · 04/09/2017 21:49

OP, in response to your specific question "should I expect more communication or ask for it" the answer is no.

The point most people are making is that sending your CM a text every day asking how DS is doing is pointless. Her reply every day will be the same - he is fine - unless there is a problem, in which she would have proactively contacted you.
She can't reply with any more detail than that because she doesn't have time. I think this is why people assume you want a lengthy response - what else do you want her to tell you in the text?
The monthly call seems unnecessary to me but if she suggested it a few months ago why not bring it up again and ask?

Our CM was upfront about the fact that she does not keep journals. This was (and is) fine with me. She tells me anything noteworthy when she picks the DC up in the morning and also DP when he collects them in the evening. I receive WhatsApp pictures and videos where possible but she is not allowed to use her mobile in many of the activity settings they visit.

Original poster

Goodbyechuck · 04/09/2017 21:58

No I completely understand what everyone is saying. I was asking if I would BU to ask for more communication because I genuinely did not know (in my defence her survey a while back may have made me think other parents do things differently where feedback/communication are concerned) but I fully appreciate if I am asking too much by asking for me. So thanks for all of your responses! I will not be asking for any more communication with her, and will probably stop my how is he text unless there is a specific reason for me to be texting on a particular day. I will also be talking to DP again on this front, as a PP said I do feel 'out of the loop' and this is probably more his fault!

I didn't think anybody was being mean, I just noticed myself repeating myself in regards to the lengthy text and the fact I wasn't criticising CM personally. I was after some genuine advice from this thread and feel I've got it now and it's been well and truly noted . I guess I still am getting used to him being away from me!

OP posts:

Original poster

Goodbyechuck · 04/09/2017 21:58

*asking too much by asking for more communication

OP posts:

Lovingmybear2 · 04/09/2017 22:19

That's a nice post op good for you and personally as a cm and a mum I know how hard it is to leave your children and fully understand your anxiety. Completely normal. We all have it.

KittyVonCatsington · 04/09/2017 22:32

That's lovely, OP. I do think it is much harder for you with DS only going in for one day and not dropped off by you-I think you are great for asking on here before approaching your childminder.

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