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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this awkward?

58 replies

moutonfou · 04/09/2017 11:56

DH and I socialise with another couple. We were friends with the boyfriend first and the girlfriend was later introduced to us.

The girlfriend in this couple seems to become very easily annoyed by things the boyfriend says. Things like: (innocent) references to other female friends or female celebs, or if he recounts anecdotes from their week which involve her looking slightly (and I mean, really slightly) foolish. We all willingly share silly things we've done and have a laugh at ourselves so it's not all laughter at her expense.

Anyway the issue is that she then begins to stonewall him whilst the four of us are all still socialising. He tries to make little attempts to get a smile out of her or involve her in the conversation and she rebuffs these very deliberately and won't talk to him, although she'll talk to us. Although it's low level, I've been in an emotionally manipulative relationship and I find it hard to watch.

AIBU to find this awkward? I'm never sure what to do - address it outright like "well this is awkward!" or just pretend it isn't happening, carry on talking and try to involve her in conversation. DH and I find ourselves going to the bar or toilet together to give them a chance to talk it out. WWYD?

OP posts:
happypoobum · 04/09/2017 12:00

He sounds like a bit of a dick really.

If he knows she doesn't like him retelling tales that make her look foolish, or droning on about how attractive other women are, why is he still doing it?

Either way, they clearly aren't suited. I would try to avoid them for a bit if you find it awkward.

Shoxfordian · 04/09/2017 12:00

Sounds awkward to be around
Maybe don't socialise with them in a four so often

awifeyforlifey · 04/09/2017 12:01

I'd rather socialize with people who are more interested in spending time with me/DH than ironing things out between them. So I suspect I wouldn't be seeing quite as much of them anymore. :)

Chickenwithrice · 04/09/2017 12:03

YANBU to find it awkward but I don't think it's the same as "laughing at yourself" if someone is talking about something that embarrasses you.
My ex did this once (with his dad) it was something relatively minor but it really bothered me and while I said nothing/didn't stonewall at the time I was very hurt about it and made sure he knew afterwards (though it was more "why are you such a dick?" Than ignoring him)

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 04/09/2017 12:04

Her bf sounds awful and actually so do you. You sound like you rather enjoy her discomfort. Would you like it if you were getting the same from you partner?

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 12:08

How on earth is the OP awful fluffy? The gf sounds extremely sensitive and very hard work.

EmeraldIsle100 · 04/09/2017 12:14

My EDH used to do this. It was excruitiatingly embarassing for me. He was very good at it so at the time I wasn't aware that other people noticed but looking back they probably did.

Sadly I would be too chicken to raise the issue but my heart goes out to him. Is there any chance you could tell her to 'lighten up' when she starts and say things like 'gosh you are hard on that poor man'. Honestly I would probably just avoid her and get my DP to meet up with him on his own.

If your DP thinks it would be ok he could tell his friend he has noticed her behaviour and ask him if he is ok? He might welcome a listening ear.

She sounds awful, the sooner they split up the better

Original poster
moutonfou · 04/09/2017 12:16

Indeed happypoobum , although what he says seems innocent to m and I have known him for much longer, I always think you never know what's going on behind the scenes. They might have issues that make what seems like an offhand comment to me, a big issue for her. So I stay open minded as to who, if anyone, is in the wrong (maybe they're just not suited). But I think it's the awkwardness that then ensues, which is difficult to watch.

OP posts:
Fluffypinkpyjamas · 04/09/2017 12:17

Pandora To me OP is saying the gf should suck it up, sounds like she has contempt for her. It sounds like he takes the piss out of his gf, in front of op and her partner and that she clearly doesn't like it but OP thinks it is ok and so the gf should deal with it and not spoil OPs evening. Having a partner basically picking on her and winding her up isn't something she should just put up with.

Original poster
moutonfou · 04/09/2017 12:18

Fluffypinkpyjamas what part of my post indicated I enjoyed her discomfort? I said myself it's hard to watch. The comments the BF is making wouldn't bother me, but clearly there's something going on there, the full story of which I'm not aware of, and it's manifesting very awkwardly.

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 04/09/2017 12:21

He sounds dreadful. Always having a go at her and the 'trying' to make it better. Except he's not, it's another way of showing her up.

He souds manipulative in the extreme. And you probably can't recognise this behaviour unless you've been on the receiving end of it.
Don't be fooled.

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 12:22

Things like: (innocent) references to other female friends or female celebs, or if he recounts anecdotes from their week which involve her looking slightly (and I mean, really slightly) foolish. We all willingly share silly things we've done and have a laugh at ourselves so it's not all laughter at her expense.

This doesn't sound like he's particularly taking the piss out of her to me. The OP says they all share silly things they've done and laugh at themselves. This does not sound like everyone is just laughing at her.

jay55 · 04/09/2017 12:25

Surely the issue that he keeps doing it despite her discomfort every time makes him an uncaring dick.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2017 12:35

Op. You have worded your post as to indicate clearly you feel she is the issue and not him and that you have the stronger relationship with him not her. Do you dislike her? Are you jealous he has a girlfriend?

Most people reading your post are thinking what a wanker, why does he repeatedly do it knowing she's sensitive. You on the other hand come across as thinking embarrassing her is a good laugh and she should suck it up.

Original poster
moutonfou · 04/09/2017 12:35

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship so I know completely that what I see and how I interpret it (which is coloured by having known this guy for years and considering him to be a nice guy) may be far from what goes on behind closed doors. People would have considered my ExDP 'a nice guy' and he wasn't at all.

But then my experience of this guy (and I do think that I have good judgement) is that he is genuinely an easygoing guy, never gets into conflict, a bit of a joker but definitely kind and not out to hurt anyone.

I suspect she has quite deep insecurities and perhaps needs a slightly more gentle treatment which he sometimes overlooks because he doesn't have insecurities and doesn't quite understand them.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/09/2017 12:36

The OP says they all share silly things they've done and laugh at themselves

He's not just sharing about himself though is he, he is rather charmingly sharing stories where she looks foolish. Should be her decision if she wishes to share that or not.

Jaxhog · 04/09/2017 12:36

I wonder if she's so uncomfortable because the 3 of you are all so comfortable with each other? You may not be laughing at her, but it may feel that way to her. I can't help feeling that, her BF should be a little more sensitive to her feelings, and you could all do more to help her feel part of the group.

It's a bit like teambuilding. Introducing a new person into the team changes all the dynamics and requires adjustment by everyone, not just the new person.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2017 12:40

that he is genuinely an easygoing guy, never gets into conflict

But this is directly the opposite of what your op is about, which is he is the instigator of conflict, he share stories where she looks foolish. Invites people to laugh at her and talks about other women, knowing it will cause conflict with his partner and conflict in front of you guys. Confused

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 04/09/2017 12:40

Exactly Bluntness thank you. I think it's very much 3 on 1 and I stand by what I said about you OP.

Original poster
moutonfou · 04/09/2017 12:41

Jaxhog I think you're right. I can tell she has quite significant social anxiety. I used to have crippling social anxiety but now I am at a stage where you probably wouldn't know. Sometimes I really want to have a quiet word with her and say 'look, I know how you feel, you can be open with me', but as I don't really know her, I'm not sure if I'd be overstepping. And I'm also never alone with her except when the guys are getting drinks.

I'm also acutely aware that when I had social anxiety, people would think I was rude or strange, when actually I just couldn't say what I needed to say, so I am very keen not to write her off like that.

I just feel like there is a lot unsaid in our group and I wish I could make it more open and less awkward.

OP posts:
PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 12:43

We all willingly share silly things we've done and have a laugh at ourselves so it's not all laughter at her expense.

Bluntness the OP says they all laugh at themselves.

Original poster
moutonfou · 04/09/2017 12:44

I think part of the reason she is insecure about having funny stories shared is she doesn't know us very well and thinks we may judge, and I really want to say, I have done so much stupid stuff, and been in such low places, I would never judge anyone.

Maybe I need to invite her out alone to know her better or something...

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/09/2017 12:46

Bluntness the OP says they all laugh at themselves

They share stories and laugh at themselves. He shares stories about his girlfriend and invites them all to laugh at her. In what world should that not be her choice?

Op, you say you've been in an emotionally abusive relationship. Yet you sit there and watch this man make his partner feel foolish and laugh at her, you watch him talk about other women, and she's the one you wish to have a word with, not him? She should just take it?

If anyone is being abused, it's her, I'm surprised you can't see it.

teaandtoast · 04/09/2017 12:48

Well said Bluntness.

Loungingbutnotforlong · 04/09/2017 12:50

The emotional abuse is coming from him- she clearly doesn't like him telling 'funny' stories about her, so why is he doing it?
Maybe 'stonewalling' feels like her only defence.