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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this awkward?

58 replies

moutonfou · 04/09/2017 11:56

DH and I socialise with another couple. We were friends with the boyfriend first and the girlfriend was later introduced to us.

The girlfriend in this couple seems to become very easily annoyed by things the boyfriend says. Things like: (innocent) references to other female friends or female celebs, or if he recounts anecdotes from their week which involve her looking slightly (and I mean, really slightly) foolish. We all willingly share silly things we've done and have a laugh at ourselves so it's not all laughter at her expense.

Anyway the issue is that she then begins to stonewall him whilst the four of us are all still socialising. He tries to make little attempts to get a smile out of her or involve her in the conversation and she rebuffs these very deliberately and won't talk to him, although she'll talk to us. Although it's low level, I've been in an emotionally manipulative relationship and I find it hard to watch.

AIBU to find this awkward? I'm never sure what to do - address it outright like "well this is awkward!" or just pretend it isn't happening, carry on talking and try to involve her in conversation. DH and I find ourselves going to the bar or toilet together to give them a chance to talk it out. WWYD?

OP posts:

Fruitcocktail6 · 04/09/2017 12:50

I've had to tell my DP off before for doing similar when out with friends. Most of our friends are originally his friends (same as this couples situation), I am not as comfortable with them as he is, therefore I don't want them to hear embarrassing stories and laugh at me.

KimmySchmidt1 · 04/09/2017 12:51

If she is making it awkward then don't spend time with them - why should you give up your social life in favour of sitting with them feeling awkward? Just get up and leave, and say I'm sorry but I can't sit here while you two prats play games with each other, its boring for us. And sod off.

Jaxhog · 04/09/2017 12:52

@moutonfou, I think your idea of seeing her - just the two of you - is a great idea. Maybe you can say that you want her advice on something she's mentioned? If I were her, I'd welcome that.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/09/2017 12:54

He sounds like a right tit. As PP have said, there's a massive difference between offering a story about yourself and laughing at yourself like that and your boyfriend repeatedly telling stories where you look daft in front of people you don't know well and everyone laughing at you even though he knows it makes you uncomfortable. Then the pathetic pretending to try and make her feel better for the benefit of you and your DP... Ugh, he sounds horrid.

Original poster

moutonfou · 04/09/2017 12:56

It's hard to explain the type of comments being made but they really aren't pernicious. For example we have a female friend who is travelling the world and posts lots of Instagram pictures. Me and DH asked (as part of a wider conversation about travelling) if they'd been following her travels, and the BF said yes he had. That seemed to be enough to cause annoyance. The BF and this female friend have never been anything more than members of the same friendship group; even when they were both single and widely dating around, there wasn't a whiff of interest between them.

OP posts:

PollyFlint · 04/09/2017 12:57

Generally speaking, I wouldn't tell 'funny stories' about my partner that made him look silly. We all do daft things and fine to talk about things that we've done ourselves, but not great to regularly tell anecdotes about the stupid thing your partner did. I mean, there's just no need, is there? Particularly if she doesn't know you as well as he does. And for you to have noticed this, he must do it quite often, right?

Regarding 'innocent' references to female colleagues or celebs, what do you mean by 'innocent'? Can you give us an example? Do you think maybe your idea of innocent is different from hers? Also, it's possible that he teases her by constantly referencing other women to her to annoy her when you're not there, so there may be more going on.

I'm not saying she isn't just an over-sensitive whinger - maybe she is. But there may be other factors here and if this happens every time you meet, he clearly doesn't mind upsetting her and continues to do it.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/09/2017 13:00

But you don't know that it is innocent, he could be being a right tool about following this friend, maybe. Equally, he might not be doing anything wrong at all but you just don't know!

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 13:00

So she's annoyed at him following a female friend on instagram?

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/09/2017 13:01

I posted too soon. I think your idea of meeting up away from the men is a good idea. Just to get a feel for whats what, you know?

Original poster

moutonfou · 04/09/2017 13:03

Exactly, I think the issue here is I don't know. I'm seeing enough to know that something's not right, because it does seem she's overreacting, and I know that when someone is seemingly "over"reacting, often they're reacting perfectly rationally and you just don't have all the information.

I'm just not really sure what I can do about it.

OP posts:

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/09/2017 13:06

There's really nothing you can do really, it's their relationship. Personally I would just stop seeing them as a pair and just see them separately or in a wider group.

Giraffey1 · 04/09/2017 13:06

If the GF is insecure in any way, what the rest of you think is mild ribbing or whatever, she might take as a good deal more. I think her BF is rather unkind if he is persisiting in doing this as it is clear it makes her uncomfortable. Sounds as if hse needs to reset her 'filters' and he needs to adjust his sensitivity response!

It sounds like a good idea meet seperately, OP, you sound kind and she may respond better with just you there.

OnionKnight · 04/09/2017 13:07

She sounds like hard work TBH, stonewalling isn't a great sign and doing that when he just mentions other women is piss poor.

PollyFlint · 04/09/2017 13:09

Could you maybe meet up with the girlfriend alone for a drink or something and see how she seems when he's not there? Sometimes that can be really revealing.

kissmethere · 04/09/2017 13:17

I've been in this situation before with a couple. I'm afraid she sounds like hard work. Her sulking draws all eyes on her. Some people just don't like any "silly" mention of something they've done. He should stop doing it though if it's upsetting her.
I'd be inclined to mention it to her but then again it's their issue and they're making it your issue. Like airing dirty laundry in public. I find that a drag honestly.

Squeegle · 04/09/2017 13:21

She sounds like a sulker. He sounds ok, it's hard to tell without knowing them, but sulking is never ok. She should a) say what's upset her b) dump him. This situation is very awkward.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 04/09/2017 13:21

Can you not see that sharing embarrassing stories about yourself that you are happy for people to laugh at isn't the same as repeatedly sharing things that embarrass someone else who has made it clear they don't appreciate it. And then he makes himself look like the good guy after? Your friend is a tool op and you can't see it because you are closer to him.
If you're going to speak to anyone about their behaviour speak to him. Or just avoid them.

TonicAndTonic · 04/09/2017 13:37

^^This. Regardless of whether you think she is being oversensitive, he clearly knows that she doesn't appreciate him doing this, so by making the decision to do it anyway, he is the one making your social gatherings awkward.

HolgerDanske · 04/09/2017 15:06

I think I'd talk to him, actually, and tell him straight out that he's being a dick.

MiraiDevant · 04/09/2017 16:10

It clearly is a friendly group and they banter and joke. She wants not to be part of that so she should leave it. Simple. No-one wants to walk on eggshells around her.

The BF isn't bullying if he answers a genuine question about a mutual friend and she makes him pay with a wall of silence. She is the problem not him.

BananasAreGood · 04/09/2017 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/09/2017 16:25

I don't understand why lots of posters are jumping to the gf's defence.
The examples given by the OP are harmless comments.

The gf sounds immature, attention seeking and intent on playing games with her bf in the group situation so that all attention is focused back to her. It's humiliating for the bf and embarrassing for all in the social group to create such an atmosphere.

I would ask her away from the group why she keeps giving her bf the silent treatment in social situations. It's obvious and creates a very difficult atmosphere.
At least make light of it if it keeps happening...
"This is awkward, have you two fallen out over something again..?"

TheFirstMrsDV · 04/09/2017 16:33

Just reading that OP made me tense up.
I don't take myself seriously and can laugh at myself but if my partner did what you describe I would be very upset.

I would feel ganged up on and laughed at. I wouldn't feel in control of what was funny about me.

It stems from having parents who teased (basically made me the butt of their jokes and took the piss) constantly as a child.
It may be that the GF has experienced similar. Your friend may not be abusive but he certainly isn't listening to his partner.
We all have our limits and we are entitled to feel comfortable with our friends and partners.
He should stop with the 'cute' anecdotes.

sonjadog · 04/09/2017 16:37

They don´t sound very compatible. They may be nice people individually but it doesn´t sound like they are a good fit together.

Escapepeas · 04/09/2017 16:38

Her OH sounds like a dick. Repeatedly sharing 'harmless' stories which make her look stupid is a horrible thing to do. My family do this to me and I absolutely hate it.

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