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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of Kate and Wills *self pity*

89 replies

AliceScarlett · 04/09/2017 11:14

Today marks the 25th cycle of DH and I trying to conceive. Nearly 2 years now and I'm losing hope. So I'm feeling sorry for myself and to make things worse Kate is all over my FB feed with her 3rd child.
Of course everyone at work is pregnant too.
I know self pity isn't helpful, I know feeling sorry for myself isn't wise, I know not being strong and resilient is only making this worse.
I hate feeling jealous because I also feel angry at myself and guilty for feeling jealous.
So I spend time moaning on the internet Confused

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 04/09/2017 14:10

This reply has been deleted

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sorrycamel · 04/09/2017 14:10

I'm glad I saw this thread. I have one DC (who started school today) but after 2.5y of trying and 3 mc, I felt sad at the royal announcement today. I'd never say that out loud to anyone but pleased that other people get it too.

I know I'm lucky to have my DS, but these things still hurt a bit.

MrsJayy · 04/09/2017 14:17

Well that is nice Neutrogena you think that through before typing ?

Orangebird69 · 04/09/2017 14:19

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This post references a deleted post. Talk Guidelines.

NikiBabe · 04/09/2017 14:20

Yanbu

She is on kid 3, no worries re missing work because of her sickness, nannies, cleaners, house keepers, personal stylists, not a care in the world and she doesn't have to lift a finger at home.

Ill probably never have kids.

struggleisreal · 04/09/2017 14:22

AliceScarlett I am with you, totally felt the same when I saw the news. Another person getting pregnant. I've lost a bit of hope that I'll even be pregnant by the time she has the baby. I'm 21 months in, so know your pain really well.

It helps me a bit to think that my time will come, by hook or by crook (aka spending all our money on fertility treatments). And that her having a baby doesn't affect my chances of having one. But it is still very hard.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2017 14:29

After a very long time of not getting pregnant, I had dd at 37 after 3 ivf attempts. She's 9. It does happen. 2 years really isn't very long. I know it feels like a lifetime though. Rant away.

Pallisers · 04/09/2017 14:30

I can completely understand how you feel. I had secondary infertility after my first and can still remember the thud of disappointment and envy when other friends would announce they were pregnant with their second. (I went on eventually to have 3)

I actually felt sorry for Zara Tisdall when I heard the news - aren't their children the same age roughly and she had a miscarriage lately?

good luck to everyone here.

Mollie85 · 04/09/2017 14:35

Hello OP- you sound lovely.

I cannot have children. I've known since I was 27 and I'm now 36. I should be "over" the sadness now I know, but like you say - everyone seems to be pregnant. Every time someone announces it- I take it ridiculously personally. That makes me sound like such an ugly person, I know.

I shed a few tears in Mothercare last week when I was with pregnant friend (it's those tiny onesies) and had to pretend it was a bad hay fever attack. It sounds so ridiculous and indulgent, I know.

(Incidentally pregnant friend did not get pregnant until 22 months of trying, if these stories are any kind of reassurance)

I really, really hope you get your BFP. And try to have fun trying Grin Chin up my lovely Flowers

AccrualIntentions · 04/09/2017 14:43

YANBU. I cried my eyes out at their first two pregnancy announcements. My DH was also really affected by them. This time round I'm 28 weeks pregnant and I can still remember how crap it can feel.

Danceswithwarthogs · 04/09/2017 14:51

Really feel for you, we had problems between dd 1 and 2 (4.5 years and mmc) during which time I flip flopped between avoidance/self-pity about other people's pregnancies and being overly involved/helpful. A friend had twins around this time which absorbed a lot of my energies as despite my sadness, she was struggling in her own way too.

Kate is particularly annoying as although probably a very nice (dare i say possibly slightly dull?) woman, everything she is/does/wears/gives birth to is held up to the rest of us as the model of perfection we should aspire to (especially stupid daily mail). It's normal to feel the way you do.

I would second the PP who recommended the MN infertility threads... so much support in there. I think there might be FB settings you can change to avoid the constant updates/baby memes too.

Sending hugs Flowers

Rogue1234 · 04/09/2017 14:54

YANBU - if you want to rant and sulk, go ahead!

I'm lucky enough to be pregnant with my first after 3.5 years and 6 rounds of fertility treatment but I felt exactly the same way as you do when they announced their first 2.

Give yourself a break - if your emotions / stress levels dictated whether you got pregnant or not there would be no unwanted pregnancies, no parents with mental health problems and no children born in the 3rd world. Bollocks to being positive all the time, you're human and you've had disappointment every month for over 2 years.

I really hope you get your happy ending soon Flowers

Agerbilatemycardigan · 04/09/2017 15:06

It's absolutely okay and understandable for you to feel the way you do. I've had 4 MCs - 2 of them late term. I went on to have 3 healthy children, so please don't give up hope OP.

NorthLondonmum83 · 04/09/2017 15:32

OP you sound lovely and so self aware moan away. I struggled to conceive and had miscarriage around time Prince George was born I always wished her well with a hint of envy! I went on to have HE in two healthy pregnancies and two children under two - good luck op and don't give up

NorthLondonmum83 · 04/09/2017 15:33

Sorry by HE I refer to hyperemesis, forgot that those blessed by avoidance of 9 months of vomiting may not be aware of that acronym!

itsgoodtobehome · 04/09/2017 15:38

Yes I know exactly how you feel. I was either pregnant with my ds, or just had him when Kate announced her first pregnancy. We have since been trying (in vain) for number 2, and she is now on her third. So she has had 3 since I had my ds. Aaaargh - why is it so easy for some people?

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 04/09/2017 15:52

Thank you everyone. Super helpful to read all of your replies.

I find stories of people conceiving after years of trying helpful. I hope I will be one of them. DH is fine, I'm the deficient one (ovulated 1 out of the 4 months they tested me). Maybe clomid will do the trick idk.

I'm trying to find a balance between feeling how I feel, which is OK, all emotion are valid, I have a right to be sad...but to not focus on that and ruminate on how sad I am. Tricky grey area.

Sometimes I have random thoughts like "if I don't have a child at least I'll be saving the environment!" ... it's a desperate plea for positivity tbh.

OP posts:
Monkeytree · 04/09/2017 15:56

Yes, Zara Tindall, had a miscarriage at around 4 months I believe and I felt sad for her x I lost my ds at 20 weeks and it was very public as obviously I had a bump etc. at the time and I really resented the attention it attracted and all the in-telling - so how it must be in the public eye, I can only guess. I have experienced secondary infertility too and remember crying one day after another mother told me she had 'accidently become pregnant with number 3 and they didn't have a big enough house etc. Infertility, is a long, difficult road to follow and my best wishes to all who are currently travelling along it x

CaveMum · 04/09/2017 21:52

AliceScarlett do you have PCOS? I do and like you very rarely ovulate naturally. Clomid didn't work for me but a process called Ovulation Induction did and, as I posted upthread, I have a 3.5 year old DD and a 4.5 month DS as a result.

OI is similar to IVF in that you inject yourself with follicle stimulating hormone on a daily basis during the first part of your cycle and, under regular monitoring every few days at a fertility clinic, inject yourself to trigger Ovulation. Obviously the doses are much lower than in IVF. As the aim is to get just one or two eggs rather than lots for insemination.

Amummyatlast · 04/09/2017 22:03

I saw the news today and thought 'great, I have to avoid the news for 6 or seven months'. DD (IVF baby) was born close to when Prince George was born and although I haven't used contraception since she was 3 months old, and had a round of IVF again, there's no sign of even a hint of a positive test, Infertility is shit.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 04/09/2017 22:05

Not at all. I'm lucky and have one DS but years of trying mean he's likely to be an only one. When I first heard I felt that familiar hand gripping and twisting my insides followed by thoughts they've now got 3kids in the time we've been ttc. It's shit, no two ways around it. Sending you massive hugs

liminality · 04/09/2017 22:24

It just feels particularly galling given that Kate gets to be rich, pretty, thin and have three children when I have not got any of the three former attributes and my one child!
Just remember, it's not the whole story. Remember, Kate was violently ill during her pregnancies and will likely be again. Maybe she feels enormous pressure to have kids, maybe that was even a contractual obligation of being with the guy she loves. Maybe she is dreading being pregnant again. Just like instagram, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

Flowers for you op.

twinklestar2 · 04/09/2017 22:24

I cried when she announced she was pregnant with George. We got married at the same time and I'd been trying and failing to conceive ever since.

I finally had DS in 2014.

But we've been TTC #2 for a year, with 2 failed IVFs in between. My period started yesterday and then this baby news today.

It's shit!

Cornettoninja · 04/09/2017 22:42

You moan away, there's something particularly galling about a pregnancy we seem to be expected to piss our knickers with excitement for....

Zara popped into my thoughts too

We tried, sometimes seriously sometimes not due to other health issues cropping up/redundancies, for about six years. I had feelings about other people and their pregnancies I didn't believe it was in me to have but there you go. Infertility is certainly a lesson in yourself, there's corners of you that surface unexpectedly....

I got lucky and had dd completely by accident (annoyingly at a time we'd parked the whole thing to move cross country and make a new start - we were the mythical 'relaxed' about sex etc.) of course I now find myself pining for a second.... I can't lie though, dd makes it all easier to live with.

I cant ignore the fact that kate doesnt even have the normal worries of feeding, clothing as many kids as she wants or whether she'll have any support or get a break..,,

Superficiously I wish them well but inside I'm a bitter old envious hag! Grin

Hang in there op and make use of the places you can let these feelings out x Flowers

Dontknowwherethelineis · 05/09/2017 00:26

I had two babies more or less in parallel with KM and had aways wanted a third which is now not going to happen for various reasons. And I felt surprisingly envious at this announcement so YADNBU.

I have also suffered multiple miscarriages and understand the feeling that it might never happen and the unbidden feelings of hurt and irrational anger at friends' pregnancy announcements. I couldn't bring myself to go to a baby shower for years and then hated myself for it.
All feelings are reasonable in this matter, you sound very balanced. Fingers crossed for you.