AIBU to not send DS to private school?

[distanceinair]

I know, first world problems. Hear me out.

DS will be starting secondary school next September. He is intelligent: has always been on the G & T/most able lists since starting school. I know they are fairly meaningless but it does give an idea of where he is.

Primary school has been OK, but that's about the upshot of it. He has friends but does tend to be on the fringes of things a bit - invited to most things, included in most things, but I don't get the impression there's anyone he is very close to, or even a group of friends he is well bonded to.

He started this school in Year 1 due to a house move and I don't know if not being there from the start impacted on him in some way.

At any rate, there are two possibilities for secondary school - both good, one would be my preferred choice as it is a bit smaller but either would be fine. DS says he doesn't mind. In some ways that's positive but there's a lack of enthusiasm there.

We did look around an independent school and DS seemed to perk up quite a bit more. He still said to me he didn't mind but he told DH he preferred the private school but "really wasn't that bothered." I think he may be reluctant to say for definite what he wants.

We can afford it. However, I am hesitating because:

• it's not on a bus route; I would need to drive him there and pick him up. Obviously, I am delighted to do this but it does mean I'm limited in the work I can do for at least the next five years.

• there are younger children who would then be entitled to the same so again the transport issue and falling onto me.

• If something changed and we couldn't afford it, it would be really unfair to take him out or to scrimp and save to keep him there and then not do the same for others.

• he may well enjoy any secondary more than primary.

What do you think?

Is there no school bus or coach arranged? Many private schools will have something like that. Might be worth asking the school about available transport options.

He might find his tribe at secondary school most kids do he sounds like he has got on ok in primary why did he perk up looking at the private school ? If it was something specific could he do it out of school ? Depending on the ages of others you could be picking up dropping off for 10 years I probably would send him locally

I work for a private school. They undoubtedly offer many advantages, especially for the very bright.

However, if you are even slightly unsure about affordability I'd think long and hard about it. It's a big commitment financially and we see parents' circumstances change and have to withdraw their children a few times a year. It's very disruptive and upsetting for all involved.

I think you need to find out why he perked up. For example, if he liked the facilities/clubs, the other schools may have them too but didn't showcase them in the same way.

There's no major reason we wouldn't be able to afford it - perhaps I am just being overly cautious.

I like the smaller class sizes and the landscape is beautiful.

There is a coach but I'd still need to drive DS there and pick him up: it would be too long a day otherwise.

Why even have children if you are put off doing what is best for them by a school drop off? My parents went into debt to give me a proper education. My husband's parents did the same. They also hired a driver for pick ups/drop offs because they were always working. I was picked up/dropped of by my grandfather for many years. You don't even have issues surrounding affordability. You are essentially considering significantly disadvantaging him in life (don't kid yourself, if he goes to a state school there will be doors that will always be closed to him and others that will be much harder to open). You are considering doing that just because you can't be bothered dropping him off at school?!

Well, I'm sure you appreciate the drop off isn't the only reason I listed, Ttbb - and it isn't that I can't be bothered, either. It is that essentially I won't really be able to work for the foreseeable, and I am not sure that is a good thing.

With that being said, DS is more important than I am. Of course he is.

Ttbb I have no idea where to even start with your post. Biggest load of crap I've seen here for a LONG time.

I think you have to be able to list the positives of a private school and determine if its worth it.

Is the private school very much further away? Convenience and independence is important.

My ds got a scholarship to a private school and this along with smaller class sizes, highly motivated teachers and nurturing environment tipped the balance from state education.

When you say smaller, how small? And how big is big?

I'm not sure small is good for secondary, it feels easier for us as parents but bigger does mean wider choice of friends, of activities and setting (assuming they do it) is more effective.

Ttbb I have no idea where to even start with your post. Biggest load of crap I've seen here for a LONG time. hmm
You obviously haven't seen Ttbb's other posts then

True enough, Chew - I suppose I just envision him becoming a nameless and faceless child!

Have a look at the university courses and destinations the indie sends to.

Do they do more/different types of extracurricular sports / interests than the local state?

Can you afford to send all DC?

It is that essentially I won't really be able to work for the foreseeable, and I am not sure that is a good thing.

If it really is only the pick up and drop off - you can book a taxi to pick up and drop off... much cheaper than not working!

Or you drop of (early) secondary schools don't usually have the same issue with this as primary schools and get a taxi to pick up.

Or maybe find a ride share.

Or he can bike when older.

The pick up drop off really isn't a huge barrier.

I think you need a proper conversation with DS about why he prefers the private school. Maybe they put emphasis on being able to play a specific sport or study something unusual, and you could see if the state school offers it or look for a club. Maybe he feels very anxious about being in a year group with 100+ children, in which case you could ask the state school how they make this manageable and then decide whether you think he'd be happy there.

I teach in a state secondary (with DD at state primary) and used to teach in a private secondary but in another country. The students where I teach certainly aren't "nameless and faceless" - they have form tutors, heads of year and heads of key stage who get to know them well, and in KS3 have most of their lessons with the same classmates. Where practical they keep the same teacher for a whole KS as well, so I currently have a Year 11 class I've had since Year 9. I'm not saying private schools don't do these things as well, but I wouldn't worry about a big, good state school.

Ttbb fucking bollacks woman,what crap....my dh went to private his whole life...I went to a sink secondary,and 101 primary's due to moving a lot...we met at the same uni ,on the same course ,with the same finish grades at the end...we still say dhs dh wasted thousands on private for him

I've seen the secondary schools in my catchment area, unless they improve in the next 8-10 years, we will be sending our daughter to private school. I am also considering it for primary. They're also not near our home, and we'd need to work around it. They're not on a bus route either. I'd figure out a way to get them there each day. I find many jobs in the UK are quite flexible about this.
I'm from the States. My parents sent me to private, as the schools in my area were beyond awful. It was probably one of the best decisions they made, as when we moved areas and they sent us to local school (some of the best schools in our state), we weren't behind. We would have been behind if we had gone to the local schools in our old area.

My parents had a 30 minute detour from their work route to take all four of us to the school. I'm certain they'd do it again. They had this detour and then sold their house to move us to a very expensive area, where they had to work an extra job, just to afford living costs in that area to send us to the local state school. It worked out for the best, as my mother credits the combination of the private schooling and the state high school for her children being prepared to work and go to Uni. I was accepted to Uni on a full academic scholarship, and went on to do a PhD in Economics. My sister had a semi-full academic scholarship for pre-law. I'm not saying every school/child will have the same outcome, but if I were in your situation, I'm not sure I'd be hesitating.

Ask your DS again if they'd like to do a tour of that school, to be absolutely certain if he wants to go there.

It seems very odd not to send him to your preferred school just because of drop off and pick up. It's hard to imagine when they are eleven that they grow big and independent so quickly at secondary and are more than capable of longer days and waiting for school buses etc. Tbh, half the time, they're off doing after school activities anyway and if any school coach service accommodates that, he'll be fine.

And yes he can bike, you can lift share, he can work out public transport etc. as he gets older.

But, if you truly can afford it (and I agree with PPs that it's a massive consideration, given you have other DC coming up who you'd want to treat equally) then why not ask him which he prefers?

Imo, the most important thing in secondary education is that children are allowed to mature into becoming the best version of who they want to be. Not scorned for being clever or unacademic, introverted or arty, bookish or nerdy. That no peers or school attitudes hold them back from that, and that they have a supportive environment in which to do that. Whichever school appears to provide that is the one I'd choose. MY DCs primary had a strong bias towards sporty extrovert kids and seemed to almost disapprove of academically gifted outliers. That informed our secondary choice.

Yes, Ttbb seems to be new...

Milli, to get to school independently would involve two buses and a long wait in town.

All well and good but in the depths of winter - I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that.

For the past quarter century, private school fees have risen at a rate greatly outstripping inflation, and this trend is basically set to continue. Meanwhile, university costs are going also up, rising housing costs mean that parents increasingly are being relied upon to give their adult children deposits for buying a property and so on. My UK peer group is full of people who went to private school themselves and are now sending their children to (good) state schools. Because you have to look at all the costs of private school, add them up over the years, and ask yourself "Would it not be more useful to stick this money into a bank account and give it to my DC when they are 30 to help them buy a house?" Increasingly, it seems, the answer is that the fees are not really worth it.

I honestly have no beef about private schools/state schools (have attended both, have used both for my own child). But IMO private schools tend to be worth only it in the case of a) your only state options are crap and moving house is not an option for the moment, or b) both parents have high-powered careers and want a convenient schooling option that provides wraparound care and extracurriculars on-site.

Is your local state school basically good? How are the kids in the higher sets doing? If there is little difference, I doubt the private school fees are worth it, and I definitely wouldn't do it for the sake of nicely landscaped facilities etc.