AIBU to not send DS to private school?

[distanceinair]

I know, first world problems. Hear me out.

DS will be starting secondary school next September. He is intelligent: has always been on the G & T/most able lists since starting school. I know they are fairly meaningless but it does give an idea of where he is.

Primary school has been OK, but that's about the upshot of it. He has friends but does tend to be on the fringes of things a bit - invited to most things, included in most things, but I don't get the impression there's anyone he is very close to, or even a group of friends he is well bonded to.

He started this school in Year 1 due to a house move and I don't know if not being there from the start impacted on him in some way.

At any rate, there are two possibilities for secondary school - both good, one would be my preferred choice as it is a bit smaller but either would be fine. DS says he doesn't mind. In some ways that's positive but there's a lack of enthusiasm there.

We did look around an independent school and DS seemed to perk up quite a bit more. He still said to me he didn't mind but he told DH he preferred the private school but "really wasn't that bothered." I think he may be reluctant to say for definite what he wants.

We can afford it. However, I am hesitating because:

• it's not on a bus route; I would need to drive him there and pick him up. Obviously, I am delighted to do this but it does mean I'm limited in the work I can do for at least the next five years.

• there are younger children who would then be entitled to the same so again the transport issue and falling onto me.

• If something changed and we couldn't afford it, it would be really unfair to take him out or to scrimp and save to keep him there and then not do the same for others.

• he may well enjoy any secondary more than primary.

What do you think?

They are partly my thoughts, Mary - ultimately more useful to stick the money in a bank account, as well as for the other children. Plus then I could work myself, of course!

I think the reasons you've listed for not choosing the independent school are not really important enough (apart from affordability - but you say that really isn't an issue).

You need to have a really good look at the Independent and see if you think it's the best school for DS. Look at the teachers, pupils (and parents), exam results, sports opportunities, leaver destinations etc. If you like it, you'll find a way to make the location work.

But you need more information before making a decision. Don't assume the Independent will be better than the state option - it's not always the case. Also, just because your DS liked it on first impression, doesn't necessarily follow it would be the best school for him.

I'd write a pros and cons list for each school (leaving private/state out of the equation for now). For me, the drop off is a downside, not because of the pressure on you to take him, but because of the way it will limit his independence.

My parents sacrificed to send me to private school. I don't think it was worth it. I think you have to be very clear about the tangible benefits you will get from sending your DC to one, and, on the flip side of the coin, how your life would be different if you had the cash freed up to spend on other things. Or if, for example, the money might be best saved for them to spend on university/house deposit etc.

Having been to private school, I don't buy the whole 'save the money and stick it in a bank account' argument. If you find a good private school, the positive repercussions for your DS will probably (nothing's ever 100% certain) outweigh money in the bank.
It's amazing how much weight a school name can carry (sadly)

I think it's important to remember that the only people who can guarantee that they can afford the fees for the entirety of duration of school life, are those who already have the money saved from the beginning. For everyone else, it's dependent on the continuity of their current salary, for which there is no guarantee. Im sure there are loads of parents in the second group sending their kids to private school, if it was only those in the first group we'd have significantly fewer kids in private school. What I'm saying is that a lot of parents run the risk.

OP - yes the school you are considering is a private one, but is it actually any good?
You need to assess the value for money.
The most obvious thing would be to look at outcomes - GCSE results and A-level and compare. For instance, if the state school are getting n the region of 25% A-A at GCSE (I think this is about average), but the private is getting more in the region of 90% A-A, the fees are probably money well spent if you can afford it.
Yes of course there are always children who get top grades at all kinds of state schools (I did myself), but why take the risk?
You don't mention if the private school you are considering is selective. This is a huge factor to consider as it will determine the cohort your DS is educated alongside.

School name is only relevant for the very top/well-know private schools though? Your local, not particularly well known private school is unable to open many doors just by virtue of you having been there. (the private school I went to has never opened me any doors anyway ... maybe I am doing something wrong!)

our secdonary schools have the library and canteen open early to allow for early drop off. You could also do taxi, or car share

I think not working is an issue.
I am a great supporter of SAHM, and did it while kids were younger. But my SIL and I were talking one summer, and she was commenting on the number of women she knew who had been quite high powered career women. They were all now at home with kids, most of whom were older (8 or 9 plus). She was noticing a worrying trend.

1. they were massively over involved in every detail of their kids lives, and micro managed them. This wasn't particularly healthy ofr mums or the kids
2. their daughters were growing up with the idea that mums don't work and that as a woman you found a man and married him, then gave up work.

It really made me think. My mum went back to work once the youngest started school. She worked part time and was a teacher so she had holidays off, but she clearly had her own job and profession. I looked at my daughters and wondered what message they were taking in if I never went back to work.
Food for thought

Milli, to get to school independently would involve two buses and a long wait in town.

Would you working not cover the cost of taxis to take children to and from school?

Can't you send him to the state secondary and if it really doesn't work send him private in year 9?

I'm surprised there isn't a bus route as that is very restrictive to parents - the private schools round here lay on lots of buses so as to maximise the numbers of people able to consider the school.

It's a difficult one - sounds like you have at least 3 children, can you afford 3 sets of school fees?

I think a good state secondary can offer lots of opportunities but the child has to be willing to take up those opportunities.

Personally i don't believe that a school's name carries weight. That sounds like BS

Will he even get in to the private school OP?Presumably there is an entrance exam and an interview and these will probably be in the next few months to select the intake for Sept 2018.

The way we did it was to look at at all the schools available ( one was Private as we could afford it) including Comps and Grammars and decide which one suited DD best. We also looked at travel etc
Turned out the Private option WAS the best one but if it hadn't been we wouldn't have chosen it just because it was Private

Usually private schools run their own buses, have you enquired with them?

If you can afford it pick the school he likes, why penalise him on the what if scenario and transportation issues?

Speak to the school and ask if they run a bus service.

I think you need to have a family conference, order a takeaway, sit around the table and all share your views. Do a spread sheet or a plusses and minuses list if you need to. What I'm saying is that you need to do an objective assessment of these choices so that whatever conclusion you come to you all agree it is the best. I did send my sons to a private prep school but at 11 they went to a state grammar and both got better A levels than their old friends who went to the local independent school - and had lots of outside school interests. Neither decision is 100% the right one, you just need to find which one makes most sense for your family.

Increasingly I don't think the numbers stack up here for private. It would cost us over a quarter of a million quid to get our two through private education in fees alone, assuming no more fee inflation and no extras. And having seen a few ex private teachers in action, you aren't necessarily buying better teaching.

And YY to whoever said it's important for children to see you working. Not for girls, but for boys to not grow up thinking that women are there to run around after them and do all the shitwork.

Op I don't understand why you looked at the private school? Surely you would've known it would be logistically tricky before going to see it?

Like someone else asked - what makes it better? Better results?

In my area of the UK the private schools perform worse than the state schools. They are used as purely as a symbol of status (I pay for my children's education) because their results and facilities are no better than the other non-fee paying schools locally.

My parents sacrificed to send me to private school. I don't think it was worth it.

The bet thing my parents did for me was sending me to a private sixth form. It totally suited me - socially, the pastoral care, extra-curricula(ly) and academically.

I came out with straight As and had a very happy 2 years, which I wouldn't have had in any of the state offerings near my house.

That was the best £50k they could ever have spent on me. Far more valuable than £50k in cash.

At long as your local state schools are okay, I would send him to one of those. I have 19 & 20 year old DDs who went to a local non selective state school and they have been fine. We considered private for DD2 as she hated primary school, but she wanted to be with her sister and she has enjoyed secondary a lot more. They are both at good universities and you suddenly realise it does not matter where they went to school!

Thanks for comments. Re getting there, there is a bus but it isn't directly from our village which is reasonable given if you blinked you could miss it!

Will give it some thought. I think DH is keen for him to go to the independent school.

@Ttbb I am 😂 at the fact you seem to think all state schoolers are somehow destined to a shit life because of their education.
Agreed, private schools do have a higher level of education, better qualities, better connections etc... but not every child is the same. My cousins went to private school, pretty much bankrupting their parents, and neither went further in education than A level ( they're v happy as a hair dresser and a receptionist but they didn't need £100k schooling to get there) whereas my sister and I went to a horrible state HS and she's a doctor and I'm a fairy successful PG ).
I would never go into debt for my children's schooling unless they were drastically suffering .. if I had the money I'd consider sending them

I have done both. If I had the money I would go private, but we don't anymore so state it is. The state is fine and the 6th form outstanding so not too bad a hardship.

Not sure where you live OP, but certainly on the London area, the odds of a place at even the least selective of indie schools are about 1 in 4, riding to about 1 in 15 in the super-selectives. The fact that you can pay for a place may be no guarantee that you will actually get one!

We have 3 DC in (different) independent schools and our reasoning was -

• They all went to an independent primary school (one still there) which went to great lengths to guide and prepare them for the 11 plus exams for suitable indie senior schools. Once you're in the private sector, you tend not to "step out" and look elsewhere. It becomes self-perpetuating for better or worse!

• One DC managed to get a place in a super-selective indie where virtually all pupils come out with at least 10 A*. There is simply nothing to remotely rival this in the state sector, not even in the grammar schools. In this kind of school, you are not seen as an "outlier" for achieving top grades, it is simply the norm.

I managed to get very good GCSEs and A-levels back in the 80s at a state school, but nobody ever even suggested I could possibly apply for Oxbridge or similar. There was absolutely no guidance at all. This is one of the main differences, I think, between the indie and state sectors. At my DS' school there is a whole department dedicated to advise on entry to US Ivy League, for instance, while Oxbridge is seen as a perfectly reasonable expectation because about 50 pupils go every year. In other words, you don't have to fight as hard or go against the flow and certain routes feel far more accessible.

My DD is in one of the not so academically- focused indie schools, however it still achieves far better results than any of the local comps in our area. She is dyslexic and lacks confidence so in her case we are paying for smaller class sizes (15 per class) and a more personalised approach.

The other difference with independent schools is that you are a paying-customer and therefore probably feel that you have more of a leg to stand on when demanding the best education and pastoral care for your child.

The other thing is (and I'm still not sure how they do this), independent schools do seem to largely succeed in instilling a certain confidence in children. It's hard to put your finger on, but it's small things like knowing how to shake hands properly or make eye contact with adults, that kind of thing. This is noticeable to me coming from a state school background.

I don't think the "name" of a top indie will open any doors in itself and I think few people expect it to these days. People choose indies for academics, a more personalised approach, development of "soft skills" (possibly) and facilities. I would really weigh up whether the private school you are looking at offers any value-added in these areas. Some smaller schools are run like businesses and put league table results before substance.

@AnUtterIdiot

Yours is an anecdote.

My grandfather lived until 91 and smoked like a chimney for 76 years. He claims that smoking CANNOT be bad for you because he lived to a ripe old age.

Can you see now what an anecdote is?

If you look at DATA, going to private school is a massive advantage.

Why not send him to the local state school and if he isn't happy, he can always move at 13 which is a natural intake for private schools. He'll be older then and more capable of managing longer days and tricky transport, if he really wants to swap schools.