AIBU to not send DS to private school?

[distanceinair]

I know, first world problems. Hear me out.

DS will be starting secondary school next September. He is intelligent: has always been on the G & T/most able lists since starting school. I know they are fairly meaningless but it does give an idea of where he is.

Primary school has been OK, but that's about the upshot of it. He has friends but does tend to be on the fringes of things a bit - invited to most things, included in most things, but I don't get the impression there's anyone he is very close to, or even a group of friends he is well bonded to.

He started this school in Year 1 due to a house move and I don't know if not being there from the start impacted on him in some way.

At any rate, there are two possibilities for secondary school - both good, one would be my preferred choice as it is a bit smaller but either would be fine. DS says he doesn't mind. In some ways that's positive but there's a lack of enthusiasm there.

We did look around an independent school and DS seemed to perk up quite a bit more. He still said to me he didn't mind but he told DH he preferred the private school but "really wasn't that bothered." I think he may be reluctant to say for definite what he wants.

We can afford it. However, I am hesitating because:

• it's not on a bus route; I would need to drive him there and pick him up. Obviously, I am delighted to do this but it does mean I'm limited in the work I can do for at least the next five years.

• there are younger children who would then be entitled to the same so again the transport issue and falling onto me.

• If something changed and we couldn't afford it, it would be really unfair to take him out or to scrimp and save to keep him there and then not do the same for others.

• he may well enjoy any secondary more than primary.

What do you think?

There can be problems with moving from state to indie at 13.

• The indie preps work to CE at 13, sometimes 11+ curriculum. Which is different to state.

• language classes start much earlier and are more intensive at prep inc Latin and Greek.

I know lots of kids who have swapped at year 9 - absolutely no problems in fact in all but one case they have flown!

Anecdotal, I know, but my 3 previous partners all went to private school, none currently have 'proper' careers. DP went to poor state school, is now studying for PhD (and engaged to me )

Based on your OP, I'd probably send him to state school and see how he does. It might just be a fresh start somewhere, anywhere, will be all he needs.

If he's not happy, then you can always change to private later on.

Will it really limit your working opportunities? My dd goes to private school which means that I have to do a 30 min drive to drop her there. But I drop her at 8am (private school normally starts early anyway - her is must be in by 8:30 doors open 8) and if I'm working she can go to after school clubs until 6. Therefore I can easily do a days work still. Doesn't his school do similar?

(There's lots of fun activities after school so she's happy with the long day)

I'd go for the independent school, but definitely starting at the same time as everyone else before tight friendship groups form.

Private school hands down. The opportunities he will get there will be 2nd to none. Yes, some people do ok from a state school, but let's not kid ourselves. Most top roles in most top careers are filled from people who were privately educated.

No Latin or Greek and my DD's Private school!!

Where are you OP? If London/South East, you are surely too late for next Sept? All the independent senior schools around our way carry out their selections in Year 6/7. If they have lots of space and are happily waiving you in, I would be a bit suspicious. It's a huge amount of money to spend and not all independents are created equally!

Bear in mind not all private schools are good. For my first 3 years of secondary school my parents bent over backwards financially to pay for a local private school that had offered me a 50% scholarship. It had small class sizes and views of beautiful rolling landscapes. It also had a lot of hidden problems including a culture of bullying of anyone who was interested in lessons or did well, smoking, drugs, and at one point someone in my year actually set a room in the school on fire. Academics just weren't a priority and as long as we weren't actively failing anything or causing disruption we were just left to get on with it.

It turned out that the 'nice' ethos of the school had encouraged a lot of parents of kids with serious behavioural problems to send them there as boarders in the hope that it would sort them out (spoilers: it didn't).

Fortunately we had to move for my dad's work and we wouldn't have been able to afford boarding fees even I'd wanted to stay. I ended up at a state school in our new town where although I was initially behind on several key subjects I eventually caught up and did pretty well.

Where are you OP? If London/South East, you are surely too late for next Sept? All the independent senior schools around our way carry out their selections in Year 6/7

I think you mean year 6 because by year 7 he will already be in secondary school. And OP said he is due to start secondary next Sept so he must have just gone into yr 6 now... so they will be applying this term which is all perfectly normal. State and private usually open applications in the autumn term of yr 6.