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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Late miscarriage, uni and mitigating circumstances. AIBU?

57 replies

TippyTinkleTrousers · 04/09/2017 09:31

I've never had to submit mitigating circumstances before so I don't know if I'm BU or not.

I had a late miscarriage slap bang in the middle of an assignment. I developed a horrible reactive depression and couldn't even get out of bed, not to mention the fact that I was mourning the death of my baby boy.

I spoke to my personal tutor who suggested submitting mitigating circumstances in case I spectacularly screw up the essay. I did, gave the reason - late miscarriage and put with it the medical notes to prove that it happened.

I get an email back from the course leader rejecting it because information is missing.

Apparently I need to go into detail as to how this affected me.

I don't want to go into detail as to how it affected me, I'm trying to heal and move on. I really don't want to write down how fuckinf devastating and painful it was to see my dead baby.

Should it it not speak for itself?!

OP posts:

HCantThinkOfAUsername · 04/09/2017 09:34

Gosh that's awful, so sorry for your loss not very good with advice but I'm sure someone will be along soon with some. If it was me I'd speak to the tutor that suggested it and see if they can speak to course leader on your behalf.

juneau · 04/09/2017 09:35

Yes, it should speak for itself. How appallingly insensitive .

I would make a formal complaint, if you have the heart to do so. I cannot believe that in this day and age a woman who has suffered a heartbreaking event like you have has to detail her suffering simply because of an assignment. for you OP.

tinymeteor · 04/09/2017 09:38

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Completely understandable you'd find the process of reporting it traumatic, but you are entitled to that special dispensation, so don't be put off.

Can I suggest you speak to either a student union rep, or your university's counselling service, and see if someone can help you with the relevant forms? They might be able to take some of it off your plate, or at least support you through the process. They can also back you up if it's necessary to complain formally about your course leader's insensitive handling of the process. Good luck.

WhoresDoeuvres · 04/09/2017 09:40

I'm sorry you went through this. You could submit what you wrote here:

That would explain sufficiently i think.

Lules · 04/09/2017 09:45

Is there a box on the form you haven't filled in? You don't need to give lots of details (or at least you wouldn't at my institution). Saying you developed depression or were very distressed during the period of the assignment would be fine. I'm sorry you've had to go through this.

Original poster

TippyTinkleTrousers · 04/09/2017 09:46

I surely shouldn't have to though Whore?

OP posts:

Ttbb · 04/09/2017 09:47

What a bitch. A lot of women in academia are like that (especially about pregnancy/babies). Just go to your gp and ask him to write a note for you. You may also want to call her out on her ultimate bitchfest of insensitivity. That's like asking a student how the death of their baby that has already been born has effected them. How the fuck does she think it effected you?

Original poster

TippyTinkleTrousers · 04/09/2017 09:51

I didn't miss any boxes out though that's the weird thing?!

OP posts:

WhoresDoeuvres · 04/09/2017 09:53

I don't know if you shouldn't have to. I think you have to be specific

For example, I wrote about my suicide attempt on my mit circs form because just putting "depression" wasn't really enough information. I mentioned about as much detail as you did here. It wasn't pleasant and i felt embarrassed, but it's the nature of the form.

StepAwayFromCake · 04/09/2017 09:53

Until I had a miscarriage I had no concept whatsoever of how devastating it was. And this was after already having had babies. Yet I had no idea. Not excusing their insensitivity, but perhaps explaining it?

Email your OP to your tutor, and ask them to speak on your behalf. No, you should not have to relive it for the administrative purposes of someone lacking in empathy.

SoupyNorman · 04/09/2017 09:54

What a bitch. A lot of women in academia are like that (especially about pregnancy/babies).

Sorry for your loss, OP. I second the suggestion to simply put what you've put in your OP.

WhoresDoeuvres · 04/09/2017 09:56

A lot of women in academia are like that (especially about pregnancy/babies). Just go to your gp and ask him to write a note for you. You may also want to call her out on her ultimate bitchfest of insensitivity.

Wow. Really? What a shitty post.

Original poster

TippyTinkleTrousers · 04/09/2017 09:58

I have emailed my personal tutor. She is really nice, I'll see what she says.

All of the staff are nurses, it's a child nursing degree.

OP posts:

Chiselle · 04/09/2017 09:59

I work in this area. If it's a bereavement we would ask for evidence of how the student was affected, but we would exercise discretion if it were an extremely close family member (i.e. a parent, sibling, child or spouse). With a miscarriage, it's your own medical condition as well, so in my judgement the medical evidence you say that you provided was sufficient.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss there should be an appeals/complaints procedure, speak to the students' union for advice on how to approach it.

MaidOfStars · 04/09/2017 09:59

I think it would be fair to say that not every woman responds in the same way to this scenario. Simply stating the medical situation may not tick all the boxes.

You had a late miscarriage. This had extensive psychological (and physical?) effects as you mourned the loss of your child, including extreme emotional crises and depression.

backOffSunshine · 04/09/2017 10:00

There is a necessary level of detail for mitigating circumstances. It isn't being done to make you feel worse. I guess it's not unlike having to recount a crime when you're the victim so that you can get justice.

I was diagnosed as bipolar during my PhD. It was a while ago but I had to explain it to a panel when looking to keep my funding.

Ttbb - why do I get the feeling you wouldn't know much about academia?

Neutrogena · 04/09/2017 10:02

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for more than a sentence or two about how you're affected.
Can you just pad it out a bit with things like:
Cannot concentrate
Keep crying
Tired all the time
Miserable
...
etc etc

WhoresDoeuvres · 04/09/2017 10:02

I mean, it's up to you OP, but if you're able to start a thread and discuss this with your PT then surely you can fill in the form and get it sorted?

I know you're offended that they want the detail but it could be over in 5mins instead of being dragged out.

KityGlitr · 04/09/2017 10:04

I very much doubt it's an individual person trying to be a bitch, they'll have guidelines as to what they need to see in order to give an extension or mitigating circumstances that requires explaining how the adverse events have affected you/made it difficult to do your work, rather than just describing what happened. I don't know what you wrote and it's v subjective but they will just want you to explain how the miscarriage meant you couldn't focus on your work etc.

It's unfortunate given the pain you're in, but bear in mind that everyone has to do this whatever the event is that prevents them from doing the work, people have to submit for all sorts like partners dying, losing their jobs, being involved in a car crash, and everyone has to explain why what happened means they can't do the work. It's for their records. They can't just give an extension because something bad has happened, so they need to know how it affected you. Not everyone who goes through something like this finds it affects their ability to do their work which is why they need to know how it affected you individually that makes it difficult to do the work.

Don't take it personally, just let them know how the miscarriage and depression impacted your ability to do the work and they'll approve it. Fighting it will only jeopardise your grades and education at this point, but in the future when you've done everything you could approach them and explain how your experience was and ask them to reconsider their guidelines.

I know you're hurting and probably focusing on this because you're in so much pain. Take a step back, take a breather, ask her what else she needs from you and then you can do it and move on.

Youremywifenow · 04/09/2017 10:06

Did you submit medical evidence - hospital discharge for miscarriage should be enough or GP note for depression. If they ask for more evidence it's usually documentation they want rather than a personal statement.

At our place, all mit circs. decisions are made by a central panel not the course teams so it's likely it wasn't her decision anyway.

Mit. circs exemptions usually have a specific outcome - to allow you an extension or the opportunity to resit without your grade being capped - did you get either of these?

Chiselle · 04/09/2017 10:07

It's usually the evidence that is more important than your own description of events. So getting a medic who saw you at the time write something along the lines of "Ms X suffered Y on 25 May, this would have affected her academic performance at the time" should cover it. Where I am you'd also have to explain why you didn't take any other options at the time (e.g. postponing the assignment), so something like "in my medical opinion, her judgement and ability to make rational decisions at the time was impaired" would also help. But again it's a judgement call, if a student provides evidence that their child had passed away, or that they were sexually assaulted or something, we would not make them jump through hoops for the sake of it.

Callamia · 04/09/2017 10:08

Did you provide evidence from the hospital etc? That's what's usually required for MCs to be processed.

Many of us who work in HE are entirely sensitive to what happened to you. In my department, many the of us have suffered similarly. We're on your side.

It's also true that we hear a lot of untruths from students asking for MCs. Their dishonesty doesn't mean that you should suffer, of course.

If you think that you are being treated unfairly, please speak to the Senior Tutor in your department. This should be resolvable.

In non-OP news: Ttbb, you are astonishing. I assume you don't actually know any women in academia.

unweavedrainbow · 04/09/2017 10:08

Did you submit evidence? Letter from GP, hospital, counsellor etc? Mitigating circumstances will require paper evidence rather than just your word, iyswim, otherwise (perish the thought and please don't take it the wrong way) you could just be making it up. Even if you were obviously heavily pregnant (and I really am so, so sorry) the person doing the paperwork might not know you personally, and they do have to deal with a load of total BS from undergrads. Please do go and see your tutor, especially if their nice. They should be able to help sort it out for you hugs

FurryGiraffe · 04/09/2017 10:10

Ok, I'm an academic, and I spent years in charge of the mitigating circumstances committee for our exam boards. If I had a form that said miscarriage and medical evidence to back it up, I'd accept with absolutely no questions asked. I think it's atrocious that they're being so insensitive.

In practical terms, it's a little tricky to advise because procedures vary between institutions. If you don't feel up to challenging this with the course leader personally (and I can well understand that), can you speak to someone in your department (or someone in the student's union) who you are comfortable with and trust and get them to raise it on your behalf? Your personal tutor or another academic you know well enough to talk to and who could advocate for you? If they're particularly intransigent, it is worth reminding them that discrimination on the basis of pregnancy is illegal, and this is what this is IMO. Nobody would ask someone who'd had appendicitis to explain how/why it affected them.

FWIW, if a student came to me with your story I would be raging on your behalf and my colleague wouldn't know what had hit them.

MessedUpWheelieBin · 04/09/2017 10:11

I'm so sorry, both for what's happened, and how you've been treated.

I also think you should submit what you wrote here if you can.

I think you should also go and see welfare services and your progression team and tell them what's going on and ask them to help write it.

I'm a mature student whose gone through a year of unbelievable hell and some mortifying dramas as my past got raked through trying to sort out SFE and then exploded all over my present. It's been a horrible emotional rollercoaster with serious ill health thrown in.

Trying to write any of it down has been beyond me and I've gone for accepting sneering comments and lower marks rather than dealing with what's beyond me.

What I've learnt from it is: many academics and support staff are used to students making up all sorts of excuses over their deadlines etc, so assume everyone's situation's are either fabricated or exaggerated. The more horrific the situation the more likely they seem to be to assume it not to be real.

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