Late miscarriage, uni and mitigating circumstances. AIBU?

[TippyTinkleTrousers]

I've never had to submit mitigating circumstances before so I don't know if I'm BU or not.

I had a late miscarriage slap bang in the middle of an assignment. I developed a horrible reactive depression and couldn't even get out of bed, not to mention the fact that I was mourning the death of my baby boy.

I spoke to my personal tutor who suggested submitting mitigating circumstances in case I spectacularly screw up the essay. I did, gave the reason - late miscarriage and put with it the medical notes to prove that it happened.

I get an email back from the course leader rejecting it because information is missing.

Apparently I need to go into detail as to how this affected me.

I don't want to go into detail as to how it affected me, I'm trying to heal and move on. I really don't want to write down how fuckinf devastating and painful it was to see my dead baby.

Should it it not speak for itself?!

"Nobody would ask someone who'd had appendicitis to explain how/why it affected them"

actually, they would. At both of the Unis I've attended anyway. It's never enough to simply state a medical condition you've had, you have to explain how it's impacted upon your ability to meet the demands of the course. For example someone might have had appendicitis before a deadline but already written the essay so still been able to submit on time. Someone else might have had it less severe for a shorter duration.

Illnesses affect everyone differently. You have to state how it's affected you to be granted the extension or mit circs.

As others have said, you need something from an independent source (usually a doctor, but some will accept notes from councilors, ministers etc) clearly stating that you were unable to complete an assignment due on X date / attend an exam on X date / performance will have been affected from X to Y. Make sure the date is right! Doctors get the date wrong more often than you'd like.

It's a shame in your case, as clearly a late miscarriage can be devastating and you had submitted medical proof that it happened. You would hope that would be enough. But alas, you need proof of how it affected you.

It says in my OP that I submitted it with the medical notes to show that it actually happened.

I suppose you're right. I'm bitching about not wanting to go into the very detail I went into in my OP.
In which case I suppose I'm being a dick about it.
It happened a couple of weeks ago, I've been ignoring all mention of it since. Until today that is.

I mean the mit certs happened a couple of weeks ago.
The miscarriage was 9 weeks and 1 day ago.
Not that I counting.

Also, have they rejected your submission, or have they just given you an opportunity to submit additional evidence? We don't bother contacting students with more nebulous claims. If they said "your mitigation is rejected because you haven't said how you were affected", that's possibly a bit unreasonable (but within the bureaucracy of HE not unusual). If they have said your mitigation is not strong enough currently because it lacks evidence, and they are letting you know so that you have a chance to submit something to give you a watertight case, don't be offended (I mean that kindly).

In which case I suppose I'm being a dick about it.

Yes but with very good reason. Besides which, the main difference is the anonymity here and lack of it at uni.

As I and other have said, it's something that needs to be done sadly. Like you said, you've done it here.

Copy and paste.

Make the most of the support that the university can provide.

Good luck.

@Ttbb - "What a bitch. A lot of women in academia are like that (especially about pregnancy/babies)."

The OP doesn't actually state the gender of the course leader. Oh, btw it's affected, not effected.

OP - unfortunately, more information than you would like to give is often required as too many students chance their arms and submit false mitigating circumstances forms. We now ask for death notices for bereavements because of students claiming dead grannies who have most definitely not died in the recent past. It's horrible for the genuine students.

I would suggest you get a letter from your GP stating you suffered severe depression as a result of your loss. That should be sufficient.

You're not being a dick at all. Any reasonable person would appreciate that this is a difficult time and university admin is the last thing you want to be doing. Posting anonymously on a forum is a world away from disclosing personal, painful information to university staff, no matter how sensitively they treat it. I feel for you OP, but there will be staff on your side and anything they tell you is with the aim to help, not be needlessly obstructive. If you think they are obstructive, see if the union can help.

No they didn't use the term rejected. That's very much me that used that word.

I just need to pull my big girl pants up and do it.

Thanks for the clarity. I kinda needed it.

Woman academic here too (clearly a bitch and hater of pregnant women, obvs).

I am appalled that they rejected this request. Like @FurryGiraffe if we had received a mit circs form with late miscarriage as a reason, backed up with medical evidence, that would have gone through instantly without question.

You should definitely take this further and have the decision overturned. Who is responsible for making the decision? If it's the department Exams officer, take it to the Senior Tutor. If it's the Senior Tutor, take it to the Head of Department. And definitely get advice from the Students Union welfare office - they will definitely know what to do.

It is possible that all they are after is additional evidence of ongoing depression, for which another note from your GP should suffice. But you really should not have to supply it - for heaven's sake, where is their humanity? Of COURSE you are grieving your much wanted baby.

I am really sorry they have been so insensitive. Big unmumsnetty hug.

best of luck with your degree OP. Lean on your PT for support and the general pastoral team, if you can.

Do not worry about your reaction to your loss. It's perfectly natural, especially with a late miscarriage. It's only been two weeks and obviously events are still raw with you.

Contact your tutor again and ask for help in ticking all those boxes.

You have suffered a bereavement please don't forget this.

towards your recovery. It's good that you can now finally talk about it.

All the very best to you.

I don't think there will be any need to disclose to your uni how it's affected you in detail, you just need a doctor's note to say that it affected you to the degree that you weren't able to complete the assignment, or that your performance will have been affected (if you submitted the assignment and want it marked). It doesn't need to go into any more detail than that.

However, before you do that, it's probably worth talking to someone who will know exactly what hoops you need to jump through - your personal tutor may know, or else an admin or support staff contact associated with your course.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. When dh's gran died we just told the course leader we needed to go to the funeral and asked for an extension on our essays. He said that was fine for both of us (we were engaged but not married at the time). We didn't need to fill in any forms. This was 15 years ago though.

Your not being a dick at all, the system is.

re the Kafkaesque nature of required evidence; I'm in a wheelchair.
I don't need to be registered disabled etc with uni, I don't want DSA etc, all I want is to use my blue badge for extra width parking, which I do, and the lifts as I have to.
But I can't be seen or counted as someone using a wheelchair unless I either produce a diagnosis letter less than a year old (mines 11) or my GP writes a letter that say's I'm (visibly) using a wheelchair.

Not why, not that I need to be using one, just that I am.
That's the system. High rate mobility PIP, being Atos'd etc mean nothing.

My (excellent) GP's so angry she's written something so rude I can't present it.

No, you are not being a dick. You are in distress. It's shit. It really is. But it will pass. Right now you do what you need to get through. (((Hug)))

You say you included a medical note about the miscarriage but did you include one about the depression? That plus a couple of sentences outlining and linking the two should be enough, I'd have thought.

I think it's just a case - as with any application for anything - that the panel can only go on the words in front of them. They cannot infer or assume. Always better to state things, as briefly and factually as you can, than to assume something must be obvious. It may be an obvious inference but the panel are not allowed to make that imaginative leap, they need to be able to link their decision to your words and evidence.

It has never even crossed my mind to get a letter about the depression if I'm honest.

That's definitely the route I'll take.

Thanks for your input and sympathies.
I too didn't know how devastating a miscarriage is until it happens. It wasn't a planned pregnancy either and it still ripped my heart and soul apart.

Sorry for your loss.

Your Student Union should have people who can advise students on how mitigating circumstances are handled at your university. Might be an idea to get an appointment with them asap, so you can show them all the communications you have had. They should be able to provide clear guidance on what additional material needs to be provided.

I had to submit a similar form in similar-ish circs a few years ago. Took the exam, then had to submit the form within 48 hours. Not pleasant at all. I treated it as 'a task' did it, was relieved to have it out the way more than anything and it was accepted.

The person making the decision will be wary of making assumptions about how this affected you, even if it seems fairly obvious on a parenting forum. They need you to make the case rather than for them to assume.

There are huge numbers of students self-diagnosing with anxiety and depression, and at least in some cases, they use the words a lot more loosely than a clinician would, so mit circs decision-makers tend to be wary of self-diagnosed mental health issues.

Glad your personal tutor seems to be on your side over it.
As a previous course tutor, I would absolutely have accepted your submission for mit. certs. with no further questions - I can't really process that someone could be quite so insensitive to NOT realise that a late MC would be likely to be pretty devastating. Still.

As you've said that you're sorting it, well done - but I'd still consider putting it in writing that you're disappointed with the level of consideration to you in their response, especially given the nature of the course!

mit. Circs, obvs. Sorry.