To ask DH for help getting the baby to settle after a night feed?

[HJE17]

Our 7-week-old typically falls asleep around 10.30pm and wakes up like clockwork for a feed at 4am. (I know this incredible and I'm tremendously grateful for that "long" stretch of sleep!) Sometimes after a thirty minute feed she'll nod straight back off. Most nights, though, she'll take quite a bit longer to settle back down. If I've been up with her for upwards of an hour, especially on weekends, I ask my husband to take over, and he'll then rock her another 15-45 minutes while I go back to sleep. During the week, though, when he works and needs to be up at 6.30, I hesitate more to wake him. What would you do? Grin and bear being up alone for 1.5h+ or divide the labour? Half of me thinks "let him rest", but the other half of me thinks "it's his kid too"... especially since DD rarely sleeps more than 20 min at a time during the day, so naps for me aren't an option. Am I being unreasonable to think I should not wake him?

Very unreasonable if he has to go to work and you don't.

Very unreasonable! It's not like you aren't getting sleep!! Would you be prepared (theoretically) for him to say "it's your kid too" back to work earning half the time! I bet you wouldn't. You're off work to look after baby he's not!!! I'd be sympathetic if you had a hard baby but you're getting a really good sleep!

Hi OP. My 7 week old is in the exact same routine. Apart from tonight apparently. I've been up with her since 2 and she just won't go back to sleep.

No advice. Thought I'd just give you a wave in solidarity.

You're BU. After a 5 hour sleep you need to deal with the wake up during his working week. I think if he's off work then waking him is fair but you have a good sleeper so ibsay suck it up im afraid.

I'm currently awake with my 6 week old, he can be awake for up to 2hrs in the night just messing around. There is no way I would go and wake my partner now to help - I'm on maternity leave and therefore not working whilst he has a full working day ahead of him. He needs his sleep while presumably you can rest up a bit in the day? If it's really bothering you that much can you agree to a 'swap' on the weekend where he gets up one day and has an afternoon nap to make up for it? We find that helps tempers a lot!

Have you spoken to your husband about it? What does he think? Personally I don't think it's unreasonable- it can be pretty tough dealing with a baby who won't go back to sleep for hours on end.

Also - the naps do get better! X

I think it's fair to ask him to do it if he's not working that morning. Not so much if he has to wake up at 4am and then go to work afterwards.

I think it's fair to ask him to do it if he's not working that morning. Not so much if he has to wake up at 4am and then go to work afterwards.

Ok, thanks everyone, that's what I was sensing, I just wanting to test the waters a bit. I promise I'm not a terrible wife! It's only 1-2 nights a week I'd ask for his help before work, not all 5. And on weekends I get up with the baby at 6.30 like I always do, and try to let him sleep until 8.30. So he's not a total wreck! But I'll try to stop asking him for help on weeknights at all now. That seems to be the broad opinion.

Actually in a few months we'll "switch" and he'll take 2-3 months paternity leave when I go back to work full time. That's one of the ways you can do things in Canada, where we live.

YABU! You're getting a good stretch of sleep so while you might be a bit tired you're not going to be so exhausted you can't function. Not okay to wake a working partner up when you've only been up for one hour with your baby! If you'd been up the entire night, different story. My baby is nearly 6 months and I'm often up several times with him in the night. I let my husband sleep through. My choice, but I think it's very different for me to be tired in the day but be at home than for him going to work.

I had twins and was regularly dead on my feet but my DH had a long commute and a job that requires exactness so I only woke him overnight during the week if I was in absolute dire straits.

It can be very hard, and of course different people can cope with different amounts of sleep.

In order to try and cram in a bit more sleep I'd go to bed at 9pm and try to get 3 hours before their midnight feed so that might be an option.

Remember this stage doesn't last for ever and IME your body starts to adjust to less sleep after a while.

I found 12 week was a watershed.

OP my 5 week old is in a similar routine and I don't think twice about waking my DH to help at night - it's his child too!!!! I had an EMCS and am bf so did need some help with lifting and carrying her to begin with but now if she won't settle I ask him to rock/walk with her til she sleeps. He also does night time nappy changes. It's not every night and she's overall a great sleeper so it's not too much of a burden on him and he doesn't mind at all. It's our second child and the first almost killed me with sleep deprivation- not going to let that happen again!

My 5 weeks old wakes up every 2 hours for a feed, I can barely keep my eyes open during every single one of them. My DH has just left for work now, which is why me and baby are awake, he doesn't get enough sleep as it is. Even though I am a bit envious watching him snooze away while I spend up to an hour rocking DS to sleep, more husband is more envious of me who gets to spend all day cuddling our baby while he is at work doing a job he hates to support us. I think he has the crapper end of the deal in our case, so I let him sleep so he's at least better rested to cope with his day.

I never would dream of waking my husband during the night to take care of a baby. I breast fed as soon as they stirred, and never put on any lights, changed them or spoke to them. I don’t think my babies even woke fully, so there was no ‘settling’ again.

I never woke my DP for feeds or to get DS off to sleep unless I had been trying for more than 2hr. Normally DS would go down fairly easily but would wake a lot in the night for comfort. Around the 4m mark I remember getting out of bed 8+ times a night I did adapt to it and like OP my son didn't sleep great during the day (until about 7/8m) so if DS woke anytime past 5am DP agreed he would resettle.

DP did no overnight stints really - he has a high stress job with an hours commute. He's wonderfully helpful during the day/weekends so I took the hit - if I'd had an absolutely awful night I sometimes asked but they were rare.

DS is a year in 10 days (how!!!) and usually sleeps through now. I'm back at work near enough full time so any night wakings are taken in turns as I also have a long commute.

You don't sound like a bad wife to me at all. You care about your baby and your husband, and want both to be equally safe, where you don't fall asleep during nighttime feedings and your husband doesn't fall asleep at work/on the road.

I'm with the other poster who asked if you'd talked to your husband about this. Some want to be woken up with the baby (mine did, as he had poor experiences with his own father and wanted to be there, but not everyone is in that position). I'd start there. You're doing great.

It unreasonable,as you are both parents.
But maybe he could wake up 20/30 minutes earlier than he normally would?

People will say he works so it's not fair he wakes and helps out,but I think if he wakes up at 6.30,a 6am start won't harm him but will make it a lot easier on you.

Why are you the one getting up at weekends? 5-6 hours is not unusual at that age, even though it feels shitty, it will probably increase over the next few weeks.

A voice of dissent. I have asked my husband to take over sometimes. AND then he's gone to work

This is our second baby, and I am in charge of a our three year old and newborn all day - which arguably requires more energy than his job (it's harder work than MY regular day job).

He doesn't moan, he accepts that a baby that's been awake half the night feeding is exhausting, and takes a turn. When I go back to work, we'll carry on sharing the baby load - so I don't see why it's so awful for that to start now.

If he is up at 6/7 anyway I don't see what is wrong with asking him to get up an hour earlier to give you a bit of extra rest.

Neither of my two have ever done a 5 hour stint :(

In my opinion, this is what maternity leave is for - being able to spend the day feeling like a zombie having been up for part of the night. I used to only wake DH if something unusual happened like an exploding, up the back poo which required two people. Having said that, your child sounds like a pretty good sleeper for their age. When is your DH going to bed? Could he go a bjt earlier so he can get up earlier? I know some couples where both partners go to bed when the child does as they have particular bad sleepers & both need to be on duty in the night; I know several others where the DH sticks to his old patterns & goes to bed at midnight having been watching TV or playing computer games or whatever & then complains he's tired.

YABVVVVVU! My DD woke every hour until she was 9 months and is returned to work by that point! And never did I wake DH as he had work the whole time!

I really feel for you OP, it's tough with a newborn. However, in the nicest possible way, YABU if he needs to work.

Absolutely get him to do his fair share over the weekend - if you are breastfeeding have you thought about expressing milk so he can do a nightfeed?