To ask DH for help getting the baby to settle after a night feed?

[HJE17]

Our 7-week-old typically falls asleep around 10.30pm and wakes up like clockwork for a feed at 4am. (I know this incredible and I'm tremendously grateful for that "long" stretch of sleep!) Sometimes after a thirty minute feed she'll nod straight back off. Most nights, though, she'll take quite a bit longer to settle back down. If I've been up with her for upwards of an hour, especially on weekends, I ask my husband to take over, and he'll then rock her another 15-45 minutes while I go back to sleep. During the week, though, when he works and needs to be up at 6.30, I hesitate more to wake him. What would you do? Grin and bear being up alone for 1.5h+ or divide the labour? Half of me thinks "let him rest", but the other half of me thinks "it's his kid too"... especially since DD rarely sleeps more than 20 min at a time during the day, so naps for me aren't an option. Am I being unreasonable to think I should not wake him?

Yanbu. He could do a couple of nights a week.

My dh helped with night feeds or settling even on work days sometimes. I think it helps mentally to share the load. He did it naturally, I didn't ask him. He couldn't habe seen me do it on my own every night without stepping in.

Could you express so DH could do the 10pm feed then you could go to bed at 7 or 8 to get a solid night before the 4am sleep?

We FF and did this. Yes - it meant I had no evening but sleep was more important at that point. It doesn't last long - it might feel like it tho!!

You should be taking turns for lie-ins at the weekend at least.

Also, if you get to a point at night where you're absolutely shattered and feel worried you'll fall asleep with the baby, or that you'll be unsafe to look after the baby the next day - wake your husband up. He'll cope. (And I say this as a full-time working parent of a bad sleeper.)

I still wake up 5 times with my 7 month old, so you are very lucky!
But I'll say this, my DH is currently into 6 weeks of his shared maternity, I went back to work when DS was 6 months. And it is by far easier to work then to look after our son.
My DH thinks this and I think this. So I sleep upstairs and co sleep with LO and my DH sleeps on the sofa. On a weekend though my DH will take him in the morning and let me sleep in. As I still BF I have to do the nights and work.
When he was working I still did the nights but he came and got him at about 4 am and took him downstairs so I could sleep. I agree with you, he should help more int he mornings. But he will soon find out 😊

Depends on so many factors really. (So taking various strong minded posters views as the norm isn't always useful!) As in does your dh have a long commute, stressful job etc? Are you finding days difficult - feeling knackered? Always being up at 430 & no lie ins at the weekend seems a bit rubbish to me. Could you just ask him to do one night in the week & you have a lie in each at the weekend. I have two & try to do the bulk in the week but ask for some assistance sometimes & share weekend lie ins (I've only recently started sharing, I do all night feeds so struggled being up all night then bring first up!) Normally wrangling two is harder than work & my other half agrees!

YANBU! so many saints on this thread. 'i would never ever wake my husband up for help in the night! i've had 8 babies and my husband barely even knew they were there' and other over the top rubbish. YES he has to work but presumably you both decided to become parents and although i'm not suggesting you wake him every night once or twice should be fine, either that or he should at least be helping at weekends!

when my DD was the same age she was the same. i would go downstairs to make a bottle and my DH would wake up and settle her until i got back upstairs. he just naturally did this, i don't know why other people's DH would just lie there not doing anything. it's not as if you're sleeping in the day.

The 4am feed will get later and later until it disappears so keep doing it if you can. Agree with previous posters who suggested to let your DH do the 10 or 10.30 feed if possible so you can maximise that chunk of sleep

YANBU - sleep deprivation is really hard and at 7 weeks old it can feel relentless. I agree that on days he is working he shouldn't be woken up if possible (though unless he is doing a job where he needs to drive / needs to be 100% accurate for lifesaving purposes, I don't think an occasional night is actually unreasonable), but at weekends I definitely think he should be taking a turn and giving you a lie in one morning. Otherwise it is all down to you, and that's really hard.

Also since your baby is only 7 weeks, it's quite possible her sleep will go through worse patches as she gets older (not definite, but lots do, especially at 4/9/12 months). Don't set yourself up for being the only one who ever ever gets up with the baby in any circumstances, and especially not if you're returning to work at some point. Do what's manageable.

I think you've been a bit unlucky with the responses here. On another day you might have got more yanbus. Certainly an over reaction to say you are vu!

Generally speaking the one on maternity/ paternity leave gets up. I also get the impression you are bf, which js why you do feeds even at weekends. But no need to wait for an hour on weekends - at least one weekend night all the rocking and winding should be his. You should also take it in turns for a weekend lie in.

You can't be superwoman and he will survive if sometimes woken an hour early before work. That can happen to people for all kinds of reasons and they cope. If you don't get naps your day isn't really easier than his. So I think I might talk to him about his feelings on this in the first place - he may volunteer! I think you should do the bulk of it, but it shouldn't be a case of him getting all the sleep he needs in an ideal world while you fall miles short.

YANBU. Yes your baby sleeps quite well and yes your DH is working but I don't get this 'you are on maternity so it is fine for you to be exhausted' mentality. As you said, presumably DH chose to be a parent too. I think he can cope waking up at say 5 once or twice a week. You are a team and he should want to help if you need it.

Every family works out their own ways. My DH does a share of the night interruptions even on a work day (although I take the hit on prolonged interruptions) . We agreed this between us. As the dc get older (and are no longer BF), we alternate nights. It works for us.

Weekends you ask for help. Weekdays It's all relative- if you are sinking in exhaustion then you ask for help but sorry op you are not at that point.

So many martyrs! Yanbu. No wonder we have so many new mothers with PND when these are the attitudes they're up against. What a lonely introduction to motherhood if you're seen as selfish to ask a baby's father to do some of the worst part of the job.

Ask your husband to go to bed very early so he can do the early wake.

My DS (6 months) was an awful sleeper, used to wake every 1-2 hours & took forever to go back to sleep the sleep deprivation near on killed me! My DH was of the impression that because he had work that excluded him from doing anything!

One person should not be so sleep deprevated that it almost kills them i can understand why it is used as a form of torture

But saying that I feel that you're getting a good amount of rest for a 7 week old 10.30-4.00 am- I would have killed for that! Even so struggling with not sleeping is subjective so if you're struggling I would say it's fair your DH gets up an hour earlier so you can rest then, it's amazing how much better that hour can make you feel & maybe split the weekend so you both get a lie in.

I feel the opposite - it depends a bit on his job but if it were me I'd rather have my weekend lie in and get up an hour earlier for work once a week so my partner got a lie in too at some point. He could have slept from ten till 5 if necessary that night.

Otherwise I'd either be up for work or up for the baby and never get that 8.30 magic moment.

YANBU - wake him up and get him to help.
If he inseminated you, then he's equally responsible for the maintenance of your child.

Tbh, I'll be asking my husband for help if needs be. I have two other children who are both home educated so won't be at school, preschool etc. He cycles 5 minutes to work in a job he loves with people he classes as friends...he readily admits that his days are way easier than mine in many respects. My being dead on my feet wouldn't be fair on the other children.

You are getting a decent whack of sleep though, so would save the wake ups for when you are really struggling. And make sure you each get a lie in at the weekend too, we still do even though the kids are 7 and 5.

And tbh, I would hugely resent it if I was made to feel unreasonable about it. I have given up a job that I loved to HE the kids because his skill set earns a lot more money than mine...it was very much a join decision.

I find the unanimous YABU surprising.

I think staying at home with DC is far more tiring!

My first one literally cried non stop for the first few months and slept for maximum forty five minutes at night (if in arms, being constantly rocked etc). DH was working a tough job at the time and while I did most of it he definitely helped. I had to spend my days walking up and down desperately trying to stop the baby crying and wondering what I was doing wrong and why I was such a shit mum.

Interestingly are subsequent children have been easier (although not much) so I have done t all alone. This means that DH has no capability of looking after them and finds it much more frustrating than he did then even though the situation was much worse.

Very unreasonable if he has to go to work and you don't.

Oh I thought the op was looking after a baby.. have I missed the bit where she has a nanny?

Op the martyrs are in full force. I think maybe swap it days?

Everyone needs sleep but I do think the parent who goes out to work should have a decent block of sleep through the night.

My DH and I have decided on a system that makes it fair for us both and gets us both sleep.

I go to bed at 9pm

He keeps the baby downstairs till about 10:30pm and does last feed and change and settles to sleep.

I do all (2 or 3) night feeds.

DH gets up at 6 with toddler, takes baby too, does breakfast and gets them dressed, and leaves me in bed.

I have a little longer to sleep, have a shower and get dressed then go downstairs and take over when he needs to shower and get ready for work at 7:30.

I agree with PPs in that you would be unreasonable to ask him to help out on nights when your husband is at work the next day considering the baby is a good sleeper. If the baby was awake 4/5 times then it might be a different matter.

One thing I would query is why you feel you need to get up at 6.30? If the baby isn't going down until 10.30 at night it is likely that at 6.30 you can do a feed, chill, cuddle and read in bed for an hour or two and then both go back to sleep again, then get up after that to start your day.

My DH manages to put our 4 month old down after most night feeds and still work a stressful job during the day. I have told him that he doesn't need to do this, but he wants too. I realise how very lucky I am in this respect.