To ask DH for help getting the baby to settle after a night feed?

[HJE17]

Our 7-week-old typically falls asleep around 10.30pm and wakes up like clockwork for a feed at 4am. (I know this incredible and I'm tremendously grateful for that "long" stretch of sleep!) Sometimes after a thirty minute feed she'll nod straight back off. Most nights, though, she'll take quite a bit longer to settle back down. If I've been up with her for upwards of an hour, especially on weekends, I ask my husband to take over, and he'll then rock her another 15-45 minutes while I go back to sleep. During the week, though, when he works and needs to be up at 6.30, I hesitate more to wake him. What would you do? Grin and bear being up alone for 1.5h+ or divide the labour? Half of me thinks "let him rest", but the other half of me thinks "it's his kid too"... especially since DD rarely sleeps more than 20 min at a time during the day, so naps for me aren't an option. Am I being unreasonable to think I should not wake him?

Can i ask how your DH feels bout being woken?

I was in the same position when my DD was that age and my DH wanted to help.

Most nights i would do myself but if i was especially tired or neededa break he happily got up.

Ill get flamed but I get really surprised how selfish people can be. Looking after kids is harder than work but at the same time you're in the comfort of your own home and it's nice! You can stay in ur pjs until 10 so can the kids- it's not getting up at 6 driving somewhere, doing a days work, driving home. I just don't get how people are shocked that you lack sleep when you've had a baby! Maternity leave is for night feeds! How can you wake someone up who then has to do a full days work!

From your post yout don't sound unreasonable, you're questioning what's appropriate and obviously care about DH wellbeing. I would ignore all the "I had it so much worse than you and didnt complain" brigade.... you might get a worse sleeper next time round or when teething kicks in. I would chat to DH, does he want to be more involved at night? Otherwise I'd generally expect to be doing most of it and save asking him for when you really are struggling or are under the weather etc.

But Threenme at work I get: Time on my commute to read my Kindle, a lunch break (sometimes!), opportunities to chat to my colleagues, go to the toilet on my own! I work part time and agree with you that it (for me at least) is nicer being at home. However I still think partners should do their share. Why is it ok for partners to have 8 hours a night plus a 2 hour lie in twice at the weekend when a mother is having broken sleep every night? The OP is asking for her DH to take a turn once or twice a week (after she has already fed the baby). Surely as part of a partnership, a father should want to do this if his wife is struggling? Some people on here are talking about continuing to do all night wakings once they are back at work too. Excluding breastfeeding, that is just silly!

I have never not been able to go to the toilet alone and struggle to see how anyone does tbh. If you're both back at work it's a different issue but whoever is off man or woman should do nights. I just don't think you can compare working with home.

When my DC were babies DH did one night at the weekend so I knew I was getting one decent nights sleep (and a lie in the next morning). DH got a lie in the other weekend morning.

Only exception to this was the times (probably less than half a dozen over two children) when they were really really bad (illness, teething, sleep regression) for more than a week and I was down to a few hours sleep per night. On those occasion I would tell DH I was at my limit and he would take over for an extra night during the week.

Basically, the parent at home does the night wakings 6 out of 7 except under "exceptional circumstances" when the partner has to step in to prevent the stay at home parent from going under.......

Yanbu.
He's working the next day.
So are you.

He shouldn't be getting 8 hours if you are getting 5.

Sleep deprivation builds up (over 3 years and counting since I had a full night's sleep)...

How can you wake someone up who then has to do a full days work!

I know, babies are complete dicks. But since this one is insisting on getting up at 4.30am for a feed, and the only people available are people who've got to do a full day's work, either in paid employment or the home, them's the breaks.

YANBU OP. And try not to take some of the dafter replies on here to heart- their brains have rotted due to lack of sleep. Take the martyr routines as a cautionary example!

You will be working during the day, you won't get any chance to sleep when baby does, and at 7 weeks postpartum you're likely still recovering from pregnancy and birth. Your rest is extremely important. While a 5 hour stretch is decent for a baby that age, it's also not enough for most people not to feel utterly exhausted on, even when they've not just been through nine months of pregnancy plus birth as you have.

With that said, it might make more sense for you to go to bed earlier and DH do the 10pm feed, then you do the later one? And then you get one of the lie ins at weekend.

I'm really surprised at the responses on this thread...

My husband generally always wakes up to help at night and out baby is almost 7 months. LO is usually only up twice now but even though I breast feed he still gets up to attempt to settle him first or just to keep mr company. It's not for long and then we both get back to sleep. I've not asked him to do this, we just feel that as we BOTH decided to have him we are equally responsible.

Yes working is tiring but being the sahp on maternity leave is too. As Pp have pointed out, at work to get to see in peace, eat your lunch, grab a drink etc whereas with a baby, especially one as young as yours, that's bloody hard.

Yes wake him up, and you also need a lie in at weekends too.

I find these attitudes really bizarre. If you dare to suggest that being a SAHM is easier than being a WOHP on a thread about parents working, you are torn to shreds, yet here we have poster after poster saying that WOH is more difficult and requires more sleep than being in sole charge of a baby all day.

OP it very much depends on your DH's job. I work 4 days a week in an office and have one day at home.
I know that on days when I'm knackered that it is much easier to be at work (1 hour commute each way gives me time to doze on the train, I can drink as many hot cups of coffee as I need, and I'm sitting at a desk all day) than at home (up early with my toddler, who is not the kind of child to mooch around in his pjs all morning, he wants to be up and out and doing things) where I am responsible for keeping small children safe all day.

I remember driving once when I was on mat leave with DS1 and realising I was on the verge of falling asleep at the wheel, I pulled over straight away but I would much rather wake my DH to share the night work than drive around with our kids in the car in a state of exhaustion while he sits at his desk having had a full night's sleep.

I'm physically much more tired after a day at home than a day at work, constant lifting, carrying, wrestling a toddler, running around after them, taking buggies/shopping/car seats in and out of the place...there is no sense whatsoever in one half of a couple being sleep deprived all the time.

Of course if your DH is a neurosurgeon or a long distance lorry driver I think that changes things somewhat.

How can you wake someone up who then has to do a full days work!

We expect working mothers to do this all the time without fretting around how they can possibly cope. It's only when it's mum at home, dad out at work that we get all worked up about the utter, utter selfishness of expecting him to do some night-time parenting once in a while.

I hate these threads. They always go the same way. And I pity the women who's DPs have convinced them their jobs cannot possibly be done if they have to help out with their children over night at all.

I don't feel grateful that my partner is actively involved in his children's lives, that is the way it should be. And if that means he has slightly less sleep some nights, then so be it.

Oh, and I was still waking up to breastfeed during the night when I went back to work. But hey, I'm a woman so I can manage it but you can't possibly expect a man to be able to cope.

OP only you really know what suits your family best, but if you think about when you return to work and
DH is the SAHP how would you feel if DH asks for extra help ? If you feel it's reasonable for you to muck in and help with the night wakings (or not) then you have the solution that works for your family.

I don't feel grateful that my partner is actively involved in his children's lives, that is the way it should be.

Agreed. You're not 'lucky' if the other parent of your child is willing to do his share of the work to ensure you're both a bit tired rather than one of you dropping from exhaustion while the other gets a full night's sleep.

I am a wohm now but obviously has maternity leave and still spend some days with my kids (!). While I dont think one is easier than the other, I find the tiredness more difficult when looking after kids than when working. Possibly because you want to be at your most jolly and patient when with kids? At work I do need to focus (am a lawyer) but you can relax on train commute, drink hot tea and coffee, have a lunchbreak and maybe focussing on work takes your mind off tiredness?

53rdway I said clearly I think the parent on leave should get up man or woman!

It's a salient point though that quite often babies still need attending to in the night even when the maternity and paternity leave has run out. We don't hear the same twittering about how awful it is that someone who has to do a full day's work outside the home has to get up when it's a working mother whose partner is also working.

As a norm no you shouldn't do it but I know with a still not sleeping through 10 month old I had to ask for help when regressions happened so sometimes it's necessary

i hope the OP didn't get scared away by the many martyr posts at the beginning saying she was bring completely U. :(

OP come back and read the sane people who've commented at the end!

My dh always got up in the night to help. During the week, he would do the last feed (formula) at around 10pm, so I could go to bed at 8pm/9pm and get a decent stretch in. I would do the 2am feed, and get up early, but if I was struggling then I'd wake dh and ask him to take over.

On weekends I'd do the 10pm feed, then go to bed til 9am as he liked getting up in the middle of the night to feed his babies. He would then go to bed for a couple of hours when I got up. Dh doesn't nap, and I need a lot of sleep (or else I turn into an absolute bitch) so he has always let me go back to bed in the afternoons if I need it...our "baby" is now 3.5 and has slept 7-7 since 6mo (ds1 did 7-7 from 14wks) but I still nap if I need/want it

What does your dh say OP?

With my DS I used to do 90% of the night stuff when I was on mat leave - asking DH to takeover mainly on weekends or if I had reached a really bad level of exhaustion. I just felt that with a baby at home I could put on Netflix during the day and sit with the baby in front of it if I really couldn't face anything else. I did regularly go to bed at 7/8pm when DS was tiny though!

I know it not the point of your post OP but I really really wouldn't recommend anyone rocks a baby for 45 mins to sleep ever. I'm not advocating leaving a mini baby to scream for hours and i always fed mine willingly multiple times in the night when they cried at that age - but after milk, burp and nappy if needed I reswaddled and put DS back in the Moses basket and let him get on with it - i just felt if 'going to sleep' was 100% his job from day one then it would be best. He is a fantastic sleeper now and I do think it helped.

Sometimes 'rock for ages' or 'scream for ages' are your only options, though. My baby thought the Moses basket was some kind of baby torture device!

I think (being generous...) that some of the early posts missed that the OP can't easily nap in the day when the baby does. I couldn't do that with my newborn either (clingy Velcro insomniac) and it was so, so exhausting that at one point I forgot how pedestrian crossings worked and nearly stepped right out into traffic. It's all very well forpeople to say 'you can stay in pyjamas all day on mat leave' but that doesn't mean it's the easy option! It was much more tiring for me than work, where I at least get breaks. I can believe that mat leave is a peaceful restful time for some people but it sure as buggery isn't for many of us. And the idea that I should have sacrificed yet more sleep to do 100% of the night wakings and all the early mornings just because DH worked in an office during the day - nah.

Thanks, all, for the thoughtful replies. I notice the tone of the answers were a lot more chipper from those NOT writing at 3-4am! :-)

I had a good chat with DH and we agreed that he'll start going to bed a bit earlier, at 10pm. I'll continue to do the last feed somewhere around 10.30/11 (that feed has to be me, or my chest will explode by morning!) On weekends I'll do the 4am feed but hand the baby straight over to him for settling once she's eaten, and he'll also give her a bottle sometime during the day Sat/Sun so I can also have a nap (or a bath!). Weekdays ideally he'll sleep through until 6.30, but having gone to bed at 10 if he needs to eat woken up at 5 to help with settling he's 100% fine with that too.

It was a good chat, and he really genuinely loves cuddling and looking after our tiny squirmy baby. :-) Thanks for giving us insights into different models that have worked for people!