To ask DWs 2/3/4 What exactly is your thought process re having babies with him

[ForgotwhatIcameinherefor]

So my DD2's dad sees our daughter as little as he can in spite of court order - he will cancel on a fairly regular basis at short notice and with the flimsiest excuse - if not just a fake one (I can literally always check his constant social media updates for the facts). They have barely any phone/text conversation between visits and he wants no involvement in her life beside the single overnight stays when they do happen. When she is with him she just has to fit in with his and current wife's weekend plans so sometimes see family, often go to Dunelm, ASDA etc and walk the dog. He did take her to the cinema once last year. DD always comes home completely empty handed, even if it's been for a night following her birthday or Christmas as she is not allowed to bring anything home, but she tells me she won't ask him for treats or anything while she's there anyway, she just sort of "knows" not to. I could go on about how little regard he shows/miserly he is towards her but don't want to be too specific.
Thing is, I could understand the whole wicked stepmother thing re his wife of 2 years ie wanting him all to herself "without the pesky kid around" but now it's confirmed they have been trying for a baby since the wedding. She can see for herself how he (mis)treats his own daughter no matter what lies he has told her about me.
If you are wife number 2 (or later) how do you think you know your DH is going to treat your future DC differently?
Genuinely intrigued, and certainly don't feel any malice towards DD's dad's wife who I have never met as I wouldn't wish her current husband on anyone

I'm a 'second mum' not wife as my DP and my SC's mum weren't married - I also had a SM growing up.

My SM hated my mother and I irrationally and has always been jealous and paranoid that my mum wanted my dad back. My dad wasn't bothered by me and resented my mum for leaving him, so swanned off and had another family. I would love to ask my SM what on earth she was thinking getting with a man who would so easily drop his child over a disagreement with his ex. But I suspect it suited her just fine, she wanted him not his baggage and that's what she got. Considering she had a child already and would never have put up with her son being treated the way my dad treated me, I think it would be quite the interesting answer.

As such, when I met my current partner and learnt he had two children, I trod exceptionally carefully until I saw what kind of a father he was. As it happened, he had his children 3/4 weekends and flatly refused to change this arrangement when I asked him to. He told me his children would always come first and he would happily do whatever I wanted and go wherever I wanted on the weekend a month he didn't have them. To clarify, I never ever would have wanted him to change his contact arrangements, I just wanted to know what he'd say. He has never wavered in his commitment to his children and I've unconditional respect for him in this regard and he is such a good dad that we're having a baby. I'm completely confident in my decision because I know, no matter what, this baby will share the protected 'top priority' spot with his siblings.

I'd never be with someone who let his relationship with his kids slide. I can't understand how anyone could love someone who could so easily push their own flesh and blood aside. I'm so sorry this is the situation in OP

barbie he did actually. several times in fact. but she would refuse to cooperate and then move, so we didn't know where they were. then we'd find them, and the whole fucking rigmarole would start again. he paid CSA during the whole time. He did what he could, I love how HE is to blame for her piss poor behaviour.

This is probably outing, but my cousin's ex left her and her six month old son for pregnant OW. He cut off all contact with son then came with a begging bowl when he was 16 because one of his three daughters needed a bone marrow doner and he wanted cousin's son to go through some kind of test. Apparently he'd turned into an amazing dad since, but you can probably tell what his DS said. The DD eventually died and I'm convinced that had the ex been a better dad to him, his DS might have wanted to get the test done to see if he was a match.

barbie he did actually. several times in fact. but she would refuse to cooperate and then move, so we didn't know where they were. then we'd find them, and the whole fucking rigmarole would start again. he paid CSA during the whole time. He did what he could, I love how HE is to blame for her piss poor behaviour.

So if your ex moved house with your children you'd (albeit sadly) just give up and have some more instead? I don't understand how men seem to be able to do this, emotionally I mean.

great, if he did what he could, he'd have had contact with them and not given up when the whole "rigmarole" started again. He's not to blame for her piss poor behaviour. He's to blame for being one of the men described in this thread. I'll never understand how they can just give up on their children. Although saying that, I suppose it is easier to just play the blame game and play dad to the second lot of kids. Whatever's easiest.

I'm a second wife, and what made me sure I wanted a family with DH was seeing what a great dad he was. He brought up his two sons from his first marriage on his own from when the youngest was a baby, after his ex left him for another man and abandoned the children. I fell pregnant a little sooner than anticipated, but had no worries that he would be useless. And 18 years on from me finding out I was pregnant, he is still a great dad, and we are still happily married. Not all second wives are in the position you described.

Some second wives/partners/mum's are also just not very nice. They don't care if their partner ditched his children. They just care if they have his attention. Some even revel in knowing that their husband/boyfriend has treated children from a previous relationship badly.

I went to school with children who were half-siblings, sharing a dad. The dad started the second family, before he'd finished the first. (So the youngest child from wife1 was older than the oldest child with wife2). He treated his first family appallingly (including abuse) when with them and after he left. His second wife and kids enjoyed tormenting, quite literally, the children from his first marriage about that and how much better he treated them.

Some awful men end up with awful women. Just sometimes such awful people have children with decent people first.

No a second wife but I've been in the living hell of dating for a while now and i pay close attention to what guys say about their kids. It;s a big plus if they see them as often as they can as far as I'm concerned.

I've been put off by guys who didn't see their kids because their ex was 'mental'. I don't understand how you can consider them a decent guy to date let alone have a child with.

So much denial going on there.

A friend of mine met someone on a lads holiday, he said he was single but turned out he was in a long term relationship with three kids. He left his family and moved in with her - never to see the kids again. They had two kids and 10 years later he has just done the exact same thing to her - and the new women is pregnant. I know she's devastated and I'd never say it to her of course but how is this a surprise? He's shown you what type of guy he is from day one.

As someone with a child that doesn't see his real father, hasn't for coming up to 9 years, I know for a fact that my ex told all sorts of lies about me. It was all my fault, I was nuts, I was stopping him seeing the child and so on. I know he was a good liar and very manipulative because he'd pulled the wool over my eyes enough times.

I also know a few women who are in relationships/marriages with men with children. I know some of those women would be quite happy if their husband/partner didn't see his children. To them the children are just in the way. Even when you have a guy who is doing his share and being a proper dad, these women resent it.

I guess they think the problem was wife number 1. She was probably crazy or didn't give enough blowjobs or let herself go. And he would NEVER treat her and her child in the same way as she is a much better woman than stupid old wife number 1

It's not about how a man treats his ex - you expect a level of animosity (although too much is a red flag). But how a man treats his children is important and way too many women seem to see previous children as nothing other than an extension of the ex and therefore fair game for,poor behaviour. This is what needs to change. Too many women happy to either stand by or go as far as actively facilitating poor treatment of children. I have lost count of the number of women my ex has had relationships with who have been happy to stand by and watch.

DH's dad left when he was a teenager. The OW had kids the same ages as DH and his siblings. Him and OW went on to have kids together. He has made zero effort over the years with his first family but has actually been a good step dad and dad to his second family.
So I guess people do change sometimes

So....sod the first family then? It's ok if he's good to the second family, he's a good dad? Are you unable to see that if one set of children are ignored by their parent, that doesn't make a quality parent at all?

YANBU my DP has a son who will shortly be 14, if it wasn't for me seeing how fantastic a father he is and spending time with him and his son we would not have went on to have our daughter as I didn't want children previous to this.

Seeing there relationship made me want to replicate that love I could not imagine having wanting a child with someone who was a rubbish dad

So if your ex moved house with your children you'd (albeit sadly) just give up and have some more instead? I don't understand how men seem to be able to do this, emotionally I mean

of course not, and that isn't what he did. we had children together because we wanted children together, at the same time we went to court, we had contact when he was allowed by her, until she decided her new relationships were more important and then she'd disappear. it would then take months and sometimes years to find her again. all the while going back and fore to court. then she would have enough of him, and get back in touch with us and he would be left with people he didn't know very well. things were difficult for him, difficult for my children, difficult for all of us, we all tried. but after years of sporadic contact his son is now a young adult and doesn't want to spend time with his father because she flat out lied to him, he has serious emotional issues from abuse he suffered at her various ex-partners hands. What more were we meant to do? courts wouldn't give residency to a parent the child doesn't know. she would refuse to turn up for court and we were told that they wouldn't sanction her for it, because she was the constant he knew. then she would disappear and the gulf widened.
Its not always the man who is a bad parent. He loves his son. I love his son. we've both cried buckets over the loss of the relationship between him and our children.

great, if he did what he could, he'd have had contact with them and not given up when the whole "rigmarole" started again. He's not to blame for her piss poor behaviour. He's to blame for being one of the men described in this thread. I'll never understand how they can just give up on their children. Although saying that, I suppose it is easier to just play the blame game and play dad to the second lot of kids. Whatever's easiest

seriously, fuck off. you know nothing of the situation. He never gave up. He fought her in the courts for over 14 years. Who else is to blame for her refusing contact, breaking court orders and moving around the country without telling anyone where she was going?

Her trying for a baby doesn't mean she should want your kid around, chances are she's perfectly happy with it just being the two of them without your child.

There's also likely to be a strong web of lies, I know my ex tells everyone who listens how he wanted to see DS and I stopped him, when in actual fact he just disappeared off the face of the earth, moved house with no forwarding address and hasn't been in contact since. He even got married without even telling DS.

but thats YOUR fault indigox that he decided to do a bunk, according to some posters here.
Or is that only the case when the mother is the one who does that, eh?

(not a dig at you indigox, just the double standards applied by some people here x)

The DD eventually died and I'm convinced that had the ex been a better dad to him, his DS might have wanted to get the test done to see if he was a match

Oh God. What a horrific story. That poor little girl. What a terrible illustration of how cruelty is a cycle.

Oh my goodness it really is

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Of course not all 2nd wives are in this position thank goodness! I'm more saying that based on what you've written, if your DH had instead neglected his existing children, I would naturally expect you to not want to add to their number. x

Anger issue/defensive much, great. I was responding based on the information you posted at the time. Your further posts just seem to contradict each other timeline wise so you just tick the box of denial second wife to me.

Well I'm a second wife but my DH didn't have any DC before he met me and if he had he would have gone for full custody(for very good reason)and I would have supported him.

I do understand what you mean though my ex husband has been crap with our 2DC and he's got remarried and he now has 2 more DC.Knowing what he's like as a Father I think she was mad to have any children with him but it's her life and it doesn't effect any of our lifes but we all feel sorry for the other children he's gone onto have.
My children are very lucky my DH is a brilliant Dad to all of our DC and my 2 oldest call my DH Dad and have a much happier and closer relationship with they're Dad then they ever had with they're biological Father.

I would be equally wary of some of the men on here who have fought through court. My ex fought me through court - on everything. I dont know why - he wasnt ever stopped from seeing his child. But actually I do know now. It was so he and his new partner could have 50:50 residency to avoid paying maintenance. They are not interested in supporting my DC in their activities or interests, just in spiteing me. So sad, damaging for the kids. Still mine are old enough now to see it for what it is. So my warning to later partners is to watch for the lack of compromise, the constant bitching about the ex. Same story, just shows up slightly differently.

barbie You're damn right i'm angry, I'm angry that my children have been denied a relationship with their brother and he with them. I'm angry that a child wasn't given the chance to get to know his dad and has had poison dripped in his ear for his whole life. I'm angry that thousands of pounds were spent to essentially be told because she is his mother and the 'constant' there was nothing we could do. wouldn't you be?
There are no inconsistencies in my timeline, but feel free to try and point them out. I explained in my first post the reason I stayed with him is because I saw he was a good dad. and he's proven that over and over again 14 years of us co-parenting. You just decided to assume that we'd not taken it to court and that he couldn't be arsed and just moved on with no basis in fact for that assumption. So, because hes a man, hes automatically the one at fault despite me telling you that his ex was the one withheld contact and moved away repeatedly. We tried to get her address off the CSA to be told it was against data protection, but when she decided she needed help with her son, they were quite happy to give his work details to her. The double standards that exist around this subject do piss me off, so yes, i'm angry and defensive.
OP, your ex is the reason why men like my ex have so much shit thrown at them, and I'm sorry hes so shoddy to your DD. I had a crap dad and I'm ok without him. She will be too x

More similar than I've given away in fact CMS - DD's dad fought me through court as knows what kind of father he wants to be seen as, yet 5 years on from consent order being issued saying he gets to take her away for 2 weeks every summer..? It's never happened. His own holiday however meant that he couldn't see her at all during the month of August!

So....sod the first family then? It's ok if he's good to the second family, he's a good dad? Are you unable to see that if one set of children are ignored by their parent, that doesn't make a quality parent at all?

janismymiddlename

He did sod his first family.That was my point. I don't admire him for the "great dad" he ended up being. He was a jerk to my DH, DMIL and DH's siblings. He treated them unforgiveably. I'm just making the example that sometimes people change. That doesn't make him a good guy in my eyes though.