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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm genuinely interested to know (not really an AIBU)

97 replies

Alexkate2468 · 03/09/2017 15:43

So I see a lot of comments on AIBU that are unnecessarily horrible. I've always been interested in human behaviour and recently have thought a lot about how social media has influenced the way we iinteract.

I'll admit that the odd time I have been caught up in a thread and have had to stop myself from making an unnecessarily harsh reply. I remember a post I made when I was new to MN and was in a fairly vulnerable state of mind. I made a mistake, posted it on here and got a bashing and even when I kept saying that I knew I was wrong and that I needed to put things right, this wasn't good enough and still the flames were thrown. Im strong enough to sift through the awfulness now but at the time, I had to work hard not to take it to heart. Had I been in the mental place I was a few years ago, it could have impacted my very differently.

So what I want to ask is, if you have ever been caught up in a thread and said something awful by mistake, how did you feel afterwards?

Is anybody brave enough to admit deliberately writing horrible comments? What did you get out of it?

Do people feel they are justified in being mean in some situations?

Do you think we sometimed forget that there are real people behind these posts?

Asking because I'm genuinely interested in how we interact and how this is changing. I put this in AIBU because this is where I see most of the harsh comments.

OP posts:

Zoloh · 03/09/2017 17:12

Oh my goodness, I hope it doesn't become indictable!

Speech is what we have instead of actual violence. If we take speech away all we have left are our fists. It would be a terrible step backwards.

WhoresDoeuvres · 03/09/2017 17:13

If we take speech away all we have left are our fists.

Is it not perhaps a bit of a leap to think that stopping people from calling each other cunts online will lead to widespread physical violence?

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 17:13

'If you verbally abuse someone in real life, then YES, it is assault. Look it up. You don't have to lay a hand on someone to be arrested for assault. It should be the same online. Time will catch up in the next decade and cuntish online abuse will be something indictable.'

What is legally defined as verbal abuse is not tolerated here on MN, it contravenes their Talk Guidelines and they could land in legal hot water for it. Disagreeing with someone or even saying you think they're an idiot is not assault.

gamerwidow · 03/09/2017 17:14

Unfortunately posts like this don't tend to go well as people get personally affronted if anyone suggests that sometimes posters on this site are rude and aggressive. Of course posters are sometimes awful but at the same time a lot of posters are positive and helpful. It doesn't hurt to look at your behaviour every now and then and reflect if you're on the right side of acceptable.

SirRaymondLuxuryYacht · 03/09/2017 17:15

I've been lurking on here for years have only posted handful of times (probably had a different user name)
I sometimes post out a reply and review it and end up ditching it.
I'm scared I'll get flamed or pulled up. So I just don't end up posting. I'd probably end up in big argument and nobody ain't got time for that.

60sname · 03/09/2017 17:16

at calling someone a cunt not being mean (or more pertinently, being likely to be taken as the insult that it is) and at some posters thinking they are the arbiter of cuntiness

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 17:16

'Is it not perhaps a bit of a leap to think that stopping people from calling each other cunts online will lead to widespread physical violence?'

You're legally allowed to call the POTUS a cunt, a bitch, a twat. It's not libellous or threatening violence. What next, no drawing and publishing cartoons that are rude about anyone because they might get violent? Oh, what, that's what ISIS does to people who write words they disagree with . . .

Roussette · 03/09/2017 17:17

Interesting....

I've only ever once had someone round on me for a post on a thread and I was mortified. I probably was a bit sarky but there was also a bit of a misunderstanding too. However I apologised, not that the apology was acknowledged hey ho...

There are very many times I would like to post but having been here since dinosaurs roamed the earth, I know what threads to avoid because TBH I don't particularly want confrontation. I either avoid them or type out what I want to say than press the back button so it doesn't appear - very cathartic!

There is a FB forum I'm on where a lot of posters could have an argument in an empty room. If someone gently disagrees with them they call it bullying or call them a keyboard warrior! No, they just happen to disagree with your point of view and have actually put what they think quite kindly, but there's a lot of touchy people out there!

coddiwomple · 03/09/2017 17:18

I have regretted the way I wrote something. Sometimes, you forget that people don't link all your posts on one thread, so if they only take one reply to a nasty person, without the context, it's not always clear what you mean.

It is also very difficult to put a tone forward. I have written thing when I was smiling, but I am not sure the fact that I was cracking up did come across. Some posters seem to have taken things very seriously!

I am more honest online. I don't insult people or try to put them down, but I tell them what I really think. In real life, I might bite my tongue but say exactly the same when I talk about them with my husband or my boss depending. If someone ask: would you judge me? well, yes, I would and in a very bad way. In real life, I might very well keep quiet but I would still judge. I am telling you what we are saying behind your back basically.

In other threads, I do tone up my thoughts a lot. I have never written things like "how can anyone be so goddamn stupid", but thought it many times. I have realised that not all posters are on the same level, not about the use of words, but about situation. (things like my boyfriend does not want kids ever and goes out on the piss every weekend with his friends and only comes for a shag, what wedding dress would be best?.. .That sort of things).

Autofillcontact · 03/09/2017 17:18

"Much as in real life, you can't go around the place 'telling it like it is - IN YOUR TINY MINDED OPINION' without getting arrested for assault"

idohaveaname you dont get arrested for assault for telling it like it is. That's mental . You might not have any friends, but being horrible isn't a criminal matter

WhoresDoeuvres · 03/09/2017 17:18

Having a go at someone, being rude and calling them names is not so much "writing words someone disagrees with" as internet bullying.

If someone was harassing you in real life by calling you a cunt, a worthless useless mother, or any of the other things you find online, I doubt many would be defending them by saying "they're just saying words you disagree with!".

Those words are designed to hurt and take the poster down a peg, it's totally disingenuous to claim otherwise.

mummmy2017 · 03/09/2017 17:19

I think on MN sometimes we get flamed for writting what we really think, being called nasty for saying what is really running through our minds instead of editing it to real life setting.
I have never been called nasty or jealous or unpleasant in real life, people really like me, as I really do try not to hurt other peoples feelings.
On MN I sometimes defend people when they are being called names, as I try to see both sides of the argument.

WhoresDoeuvres · 03/09/2017 17:19

As for comparing internet moderation to ISIS.... makes a chance from someone summoning the Nazis to win an argument.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 17:21

Some people don't see an argument in everything. Others do. Hey ho.

nina2b · 03/09/2017 17:24

Surely surely no one is compelled to post on a forum - particularly not if they think or imagine they are being bullied. No faceless individual on an Internet forum could make me feel hurt or suicidal.
Good grief, all you have to do is step back and switch off.

UsedtobeFeckless · 03/09/2017 17:28

I like the fact that people don't pull their punches on here ... lf l want the sugar-coated version l'll talk to my actual friends about whatever it is, but l come here for what total strangers really think - unvarnished. It's been quite bracing at times!

ourkidmolly · 03/09/2017 17:29

Now I want to look at the pet chat. Never even been in there. Seemed totally innocuous.

nina2b · 03/09/2017 17:30

Sometimes people do not have the time to read the whole thread. Some have to work, for instance. Why can't OPs summarise from time to time for the benefit of all?

coddiwomple · 03/09/2017 17:30

Good grief, all you have to do is step back and switch off.
Sadly many posters seem unable to do just that, and get unbelievably upset or irate or worst on this forum. It's fascinating when it's a thread about laundry.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 17:33

ourkid also try the Philosophy/Religion board. There is some serious aggro on there at times.

GwenStaceyRocks · 03/09/2017 17:34

Whores you keep speaking in absolutes when actually your views are subjective. There are many demographics where 'cunt' is used fondly or neutrally. You're assuming because it's an insult in your circle that it is one in every circle. That shows a lack of understanding of language usage.

imo another factor in MN bluntness is that posters don't want to type screeds. When editing down, some of the niceties may be lost.

As for apologising - I apologise on threads if I've been misunderstood or if I've misunderstood.

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 03/09/2017 17:34

I've often wondered whether this is behind some of the fear of being "outed." While I understand some posts touch on deeply personal things, in general anyone who knew me well enough to recognise me on here knows me well enough to have an inkling of my issues (although I am very lucky not to have much of interest to share).

I think some posters can be overly harsh and judgemental, just like in RL, and I'm always amazed by the way that the first 2 or 3 responses really shape the tone of a thread.

IME, the threads where OP is in deep shit or genuinely upset are often crammed with great advice and 90% of posters seem to post kindly and mindfully, which is lovely really.

ChilliMary · 03/09/2017 17:34

Some people on here, like on any other forum, are very vicious, and unnecessarily so. It's usually the types that go round telling anyone, who will listen, that they always say what they mean and that they don't care what others think, because they are just being honest. But it's usually aggressive, hostile and unhelpful.

But on the flip side, if you come on here, for any kind of advice, you have to prepare your self for a whole range of views and perspectives, that you have asked for, regardless of whether they actually helpful or not.

purits · 03/09/2017 17:35

Some threads move very quickly. By the time you have written a post, reviewed it and found it too harsh, re-written it, review again, post ...
... you find that you are six pages behind the discussion! So you post in haste and repent at leisure.

There again some people (mentioning no names) are notoriously rude and you know that they are going to be unpleasant for the sake of it. I tend to skip over whatever it was they said.

nina2b · 03/09/2017 17:42

GwenStaceyRocks

There are many demographics where 'cunt' is used fondly or neutrally

That is a deeply stupid thing to say. The word is ALWAYS offensive. What sort of life do you have that would lead you to think that revolting term is in any way normal?

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