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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm genuinely interested to know (not really an AIBU)

97 replies

Alexkate2468 · 03/09/2017 15:43

So I see a lot of comments on AIBU that are unnecessarily horrible. I've always been interested in human behaviour and recently have thought a lot about how social media has influenced the way we iinteract.

I'll admit that the odd time I have been caught up in a thread and have had to stop myself from making an unnecessarily harsh reply. I remember a post I made when I was new to MN and was in a fairly vulnerable state of mind. I made a mistake, posted it on here and got a bashing and even when I kept saying that I knew I was wrong and that I needed to put things right, this wasn't good enough and still the flames were thrown. Im strong enough to sift through the awfulness now but at the time, I had to work hard not to take it to heart. Had I been in the mental place I was a few years ago, it could have impacted my very differently.

So what I want to ask is, if you have ever been caught up in a thread and said something awful by mistake, how did you feel afterwards?

Is anybody brave enough to admit deliberately writing horrible comments? What did you get out of it?

Do people feel they are justified in being mean in some situations?

Do you think we sometimed forget that there are real people behind these posts?

Asking because I'm genuinely interested in how we interact and how this is changing. I put this in AIBU because this is where I see most of the harsh comments.

OP posts:

Autofillcontact · 03/09/2017 16:50

I think the poster you've quoted made a good point expat- that being that you are fairly free to be rude, sarcastic or Nasty on MN. No one really stops you.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/09/2017 16:50

BUT there was far less instant jumping on a poster who dared to post in AIBU

You mean on the usenet equivalent of AIBU in 1987? Newbies who posted something unfortunate in places like talk.orgins or alt. without reading the FAQ first were likely to get a fairly vitriolic roasting.

It is not news that people make comments to people online which they would never make face to face. <a class="break-all" href="http://web.archive.org/web/20080701050659/redwing.hutman.net:80/~mreed/index.htm" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">The Flame Warriors Roster and Call to Duty and others have been satirising this for decades.

IDoDaChaCha · 03/09/2017 16:50

Some people me are grouchy when they have PMT me too

Autofillcontact · 03/09/2017 16:51

I agree C8^^ the Internet has always been like this.

PlasticPatty · 03/09/2017 16:52

Calling someone a cnt is mean*

Calling someone a cunt is not mean. If that person is a cunt, it's a descriptive term, accurate and concise.

ReggaetonLente · 03/09/2017 16:56

I think there's an element in AIBU of almost competing to be the nastiest. And of thinking, oh well everyone's being rude to the OP, I might as well have a go too.

I called someone out on saying a completely unnecessary, bitch thing on one of my threads recently and the poster responded saying 'for the record you did post in AIBU... I've seen much worse on here'. Basically admitting she was just being nasty for the sake of it, because she thought she'd get away with it and that it was acceptable in AIBU. Very strange behaviour that says a lot about someone in my opinion.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 16:57

'I think the poster you've quoted made a good point expat- that being that you are fairly free to be rude, sarcastic or Nasty on MN. No one really stops you.'

It's subjective, though, what is rude, sarcastic or 'nasty'. Those who run MN seem to be of the opinion that their approach works, and, if you look at the number of members there are and their advertising revenue, they are not alone in that sentiment. If others disagree, they are not beholden to use the site.

WomblingThree · 03/09/2017 16:57

@Autofillcontact I agree with your post, and would add "...and then they turn out to be a troll" to your list.

WhoresDoeuvres · 03/09/2017 16:57

It's MN, not reddit. No one has to use it. If you don't like how it's run, don't. To me, the whole 'karma' and 'reputation' type functions are like some juvenile hark back to high school and remind me of a Charlie Brooker film. So I don't use sites like that. It's not compulsory to use sites you don't fancy.

A good example of a needlessly snarky, defensive response to a post where I was just trying to make a point.

I can't imagine someone talking to me like that face to face.

Did I ever say I wanted MN to be like reddit? I was contrasting different sites to make some points. I actually criticised reddit a lot. There really was no need for that reply.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 17:00

'A good example of a needlessly snarky, defensive response to a post where I was just trying to make a point.'

In your opinion.

'I can't imagine someone talking to me like that face to face. '

Well, may you live long and prosper then. This idea that people on MN are all completely different IRL is erroneous.

IdoHaveAName · 03/09/2017 17:00

expatinscotland Yours is the attitude I loathe. 'If you don't like it here then bugger off'.

It shouldn't be like that. You should be entitled to a certain level of decency and respect online. Much as in real life, you can't go around the place 'telling it like it is - IN YOUR TINY MINDED OPINION' without getting arrested for assault.

Your name stands out to me in fact for repeated (struggling to find a tempered term) 'cuntish' responses to be honest.
None of it necessary and a lot of it cruel and misguided.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 17:02

'There really was no need for that reply.'

Says you. One person's opinion.

MN is different in nature from many other boards and its style of moderation is a large part of that. It's a very successful site so the style the site's owners has taken continue to pay dividends to them quite well. Plenty of users seem to like it, too, as there are millions of them. Journos appear to love MN, too.

WhoresDoeuvres · 03/09/2017 17:04

ex I don't know why you're using "the general success of Mumsnet" as justification for replying rudely to a post that I made in good faith to help answer the OP.

You're attacking me for absolutely no good reason.

IdoHaveAName · 03/09/2017 17:05

It's what she does Whoresdoevres. I've seen it several times.

Just tellin' it like it is and stuff...............

WhoresDoeuvres · 03/09/2017 17:06

It would be a shame if this thread is derailed so maybe for the sake of exploring the OP we could just move on from this odd incident.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 17:07

'expatinscotland Yours is the attitude I loathe. 'If you don't like it here then bugger off'.
It shouldn't be like that. You should be entitled to a certain level of decency and respect online. Much as in real life, you can't go around the place 'telling it like it is - IN YOUR TINY MINDED OPINION' without getting arrested for assault.
Your name stands out to me in fact for repeated (struggling to find a tempered term) 'cuntish' responses to be honest.
None of it necessary and a lot of it cruel and misguided.'

You're entitled to your opinion. And in real life, you can definitely tell it like it is as long as you are not threatening violence to someone or committing it or instigating it. It's not assault. If you have a problem with my posts or anyone else's there's a report function to make use of.

'If you don't like it here then bugger off'.
It shouldn't be like that. '

That's not for you to decide, it is for those who own and run the site to decide. It's theirs. They decide the guidelines for how people post on their own site so if you don't like it, then you can elect not to use it or create one where you decide how people should post.

Using language you don't like or expressing opinions you don't like happens all the time. It's part of life. People are allowed to post how they please on here and if HQ don't like it they can delete it. If users don't like it they can report or not use the site. I fail to see how this is such a horrible thing to suggest.

DressedCrab · 03/09/2017 17:07

The crazies are usually about on the pet threads. Awful abusive stuff. Weird.

FreudianSlurp · 03/09/2017 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 17:08

'ex I don't know why you're using "the general success of Mumsnet" as justification for replying rudely to a post that I made in good faith to help answer the OP.

You're attacking me for absolutely no good reason.'

You see it as 'attacking' and I see it as disagreeing. If you have a problem with it and think it contravenes Talk Guidelines then report it. I used the success of the site to demonstrate that their style of moderation is successful commercially.

WhoresDoeuvres · 03/09/2017 17:09

Dressed I agree with that. There is weirdness on pet threads - a favourite comment is "I hope you don't have children".

The other thing I find a bit shocking is the number of users who say "you'd better start saving for your child's therapy" on a thread where they disagree with the OP.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 17:09

'The crazies are usually about on the pet threads. Awful abusive stuff. Weird.'

Oh, some of those have verged on the criminal.

nina2b · 03/09/2017 17:09

I wonder why this is on AIBU given you say it is not suited?

gamerwidow · 03/09/2017 17:10

7 years ago as a new mum I remember getting in a very heated and personal debate with another poster. I felt ashamed of myself for being so rude and actually didn't come back for a long time afterwards. I realise now I had PND and had lashed out at this unfortunate person. It's made be stop and think before I post now but to also remember you don't know the circumstances of the other poster. Someone might be acting like a dick but maybe in better circumstances they are better people. I won't let racism or bigotry slide but I don't over invest in anything else.

IdoHaveAName · 03/09/2017 17:10

Just because I decide to use a site doesn't mean the normal rules of engagement don't apply. If you verbally abuse someone in real life, then YES, it is assault. Look it up. You don't have to lay a hand on someone to be arrested for assault. It should be the same online. Time will catch up in the next decade and cuntish online abuse will be something indictable.

Booboobooboo84 · 03/09/2017 17:11

I've been spectacularly harsh at times especially when a post involves a lot of drip feeding. I think a lot of the flaming comes from people not reading the whole post.

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