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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dying DF now we ve been called fuckwits by a family member...aibu to be furious

118 replies

whatisforteamum · 03/09/2017 08:34

I ve just had one of my worst months ever.Df is v ill and been hospitalised for weeks.So very much wrong with him he now cant walk more like shuffle to the loo.we almost lost him a few weeks ago.I started a new job too and despite leaving my last one due to too many hrs working I have just done 72 hr stretch on the rota.
I am physically and mentally drained.
on DFs request we haven't been able to visit for a few weeks which has been hard.He has been tearful angry and sleeps a lot due to his cancer being everywhere.This has been very hard for us not being able to see him or help out.
I visited him at his new nursing home and thought it was fantastic.Light airy and modern.I messaged DB to thank him for finding somewhere so nice( mum asked him to take her as he is in charge of the wills etc and was on hols for two weeks and they are close).
then I receive a text we are al fuckwits who could help more!!! Dsis has taken dm 6 times plus to visit DF.My dh has collected her a few times and offered last night to pick her up each night after his 12 hr day.Ive picked up shopping and nappy pads too.
we are so hurt.Dm has always insisted on getting a cab to visit df.So angry an educated well off man spoke to us like this1

OP posts:
Morsecode · 03/09/2017 10:38

Save for the last 2, your posts have all been me-me-me. I see where your brother is coming from.

Nanny0gg · 03/09/2017 10:41

WeAllHaveWings

Did you read:

DF GAVE INSTRUCTIONS TO DB NO ONE ELSE BUT DM AND DB TO VISIT the last 3 weeks and be involved in his care. ?

Liiinoo · 03/09/2017 10:41

It sounds as if your mum and dad are giving your brother a hell of a lot of responsibility. Sorting out a nursing home, financial responsibility, communicating with you and your sisters, being the sole visitor etc. It sounds like a massive burden on top of grieving for his dying father, worrying about how your mum will be after the death (how much will she expect from him then?), as well as earning a living, taking care of his nice house and presumably maintaining some sort of family life.

Give the poor guy a break, of course he shouldn't have called you a fuckwit, but he has all the same grief and anxiety you do plus a whole lot more. It was wrong but understandable that he vented at you.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 03/09/2017 10:44

DM and DB were the only ones privy to the serious discussions the rest of us were kept away and DB got cross when dsis picked up copies of the wills which were in a sealed envelope.
DM has been too reliant on DB herself.
my parents have often said how they like my db lifestyle,clothes and holidays.
They have mocked us for shopping in inexpensive stores for food and clothes and having to work long hours.
we are proud of buying our own home and work ethic.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 03/09/2017 10:45

OP.. you have explained in great detail on here why you didn't visit...

you should be telling this to your Brother.... who incidentally sounds plain nasty

Only1scoop · 03/09/2017 10:48

Why are copies of wills being 'picked up'Confused

I think you need to stop fixating on everyone's opinions of materialistic stuff, silly comments, and get stuck in with your family at this difficult time. Does all this stuff really matter. It's YOUR dad.

sebumfillaments · 03/09/2017 10:48

You keep mentioning money and status.

FelicityFucknickle · 03/09/2017 10:49

Don't rise to it.
You're all stressed and grieving. Thing is, family dynamics and power plays continue in hard times and are often exacerbated becasue of them.
Focus on the quality of contact with your father.
Nobody is perfect.
You're not a fuckwit.

Notreallyarsed · 03/09/2017 10:50

OP I think you all need to get together and sort this out. Bottom line is (and I'm sorry for phrasing it so bluntly, I lost my lovely mum 2 months ago so I do understand how you're feeling), time isn't on your side and my god there will be regrets later if this is allowed to continue. It's a rough time for all of you, but pride and petty arguments really aren't worth it. Please call your brother and try to smooth things over.

Nuttynoo · 03/09/2017 10:54

Do you call him and DM regularly asking what you can do to help? Do you offer to take them shopping? Do you go with flowers to your DM? Do you bring little gifts for your dad that you know he'll like to your DB/DM so they can pass them along? Are you helping your DM to clear out the house/with housework. Their are so many things you can do to help without visiting your DD, which I presume your brother is ACTIVELY DOING. Seems like you sisters have taken your dad's advice as an excuse to sit back.

Imbroglio · 03/09/2017 10:59

DB got cross when dsis picked up copies of the wills which were in a sealed envelope - whoah! I'd be bloody livid if anyone started touching the wills. Including brother. No wonder feelings are running high

It sounds like all of you are struggling to get the balance right here.

How do you communicate? Could you set up a family whatsapp group or something? Sort out a system for seeing your dad, supporting your mum?

ChocolateBubbleBarsmakemefat · 03/09/2017 11:02

My heart goes out to you all. Having just been through this I know how difficult it all is. Your DB has taken on too much and he needs you to step up and help. Put anamosities aside and be there for each other, I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to do this. Your family as a whole are going through the most awful and exhausting of circumstances. You need to go and see your DF regardless of what he says. He is probably trying to shield you from what is happening, show him you are there for him. I wish you all the strength in the world to deal with this, it's horrendous.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 03/09/2017 11:14

Dm asked Dsis to pick them up for DF to review as she previously worked at the solicitors.Thank you Felicity and notarsed sorry for your loss.flowers bread milk cakes gifts etc and have done all the last few years they ve been ill.

OP posts:
wrenika · 03/09/2017 11:16

Emotions are inevitably running high. It's hard work to be the one trying to organise everything. When my gran was dying last year, the necessary 'tasks' and organisation was shared out among the family and it was STILL hard for all involved.

I'd try not to take what is said in the moment to heart. I'd give him a call and ask what you can do to help. He's probably struggling - and that doesn't give him the right to call you a fuckwit, but under the circumstances, and if it is unusual for him to behave like that, I'd pretend it hadn't been said and reach out to help relieve him of some of the burden.

Imbroglio · 03/09/2017 11:20

Dm asked Dsis to pick them up for DF to review well that puts a different slant on it.

I think you ALL need to get together and communicate more. There are six of you, yes?

Garliccalamari · 03/09/2017 11:31

I think that you need to talk. You both sound very hurt. Maybe you can tell your brother that you werent allowed to visit but you would be happy to do other tasks. Maybe you can do tasks to make their lives easier while they take care of dad. Maybe you can bulk cook food and fill their freezer with meals that they can microwave? Do their shopping and gardening or watch the kids? That way DB might be less stressed and feels more supported?

m0therofdragons · 03/09/2017 12:12

Stop texting and talk to each other. If this was my df I'd be on the phone every other night to dm/every night if needed. Or calling the nursing home.

You seem desperate to justify everything but db is clearly unhappy so call him and find out where everything is and offer to support. I get that you're working long hours but stop being a martyr, book some leave time and discuss with your manager.

My colleague's dh started a new job and his dad died in the first week followed by his dm being in hospital having a triple heart bypass. He explained it to the employer and promised he was committed to the company but needed a bit of support right now.

It's tough on everyone but if you don't talk to each other then resentment will last long after your df dies I'm afraid. No one is being U everyone is just trying to muddle through.

Gorgosparta · 03/09/2017 15:21

Op having read this is really sounds like a 'its all his fault and i have done absolutely everything i can'

But it seems neither are true.

I dont think your dbro is blameless. But i also think you could have done more and know you could have. Which is why this has hurt you.

There is lots of deflecting on your part. Mainly based on alot of assumptions.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/09/2017 15:29

It's not your brother's fault that your parents dote on him and see him as the superior one because of his financial position. Your family dynamic sounds very complicated. You seem to be taking an opposing position to him because of how your parents have defined him and you. How about all of you working together? A few of us have suggested calling him. Are you going to do this?

PoorYorick · 03/09/2017 17:33

Again, people saying they like certain things and "mocking " others is subjective. It may all be exactly as you perceive it but chances are there are some missing nuances or facts. You do come across in your posts as a bit focused on your experiences over others'. No doubt your family do similar but in any case we can't really say much with only one biased side to go on. If your brother thinks you haven't been doing enough you could talk to him about why he feels that way.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 03/09/2017 18:48

thank you all I just got home.No I couldn't have done more the last few years tbh.
when dfil was ill yrs ago dh and I did loads for him too while his dbro just visited occasionally.
we knew we did the lions share but didn't call him a fuckwit or blame him.
My DB obviously hasn't realised how much help has been offered and things done for dm.
He has just lashed out.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 04/09/2017 07:04

No I couldn't have done more the last few years tbh

Really? You're coming over as very defensive. Speaking from experience, I urge you to talk to your brother face to face (or at least by phone) and resolve this. You are all grieving. You are all under pressure. Sort it out now or it will fester.

DjangoUnchained · 04/09/2017 07:08

Thanking him via text for finding your dad a nice home is glib and patronising.

I would have reacted to that too. You could have phoned him.

Notreallyarsed · 04/09/2017 07:12

You contradict yourself OP, you say you couldn't have done more but compare yourself to your BIL who did the minimum for your FIL so which is it.

Notreallyarsed · 04/09/2017 07:15

Sorry pressed too soon. What I mean is you can't say you couldn't have done more, while comparing yourself to someone who could have done more. The fact you weren't upset about it is irrelevant, it's your brother who is feeling the pressure here and who is carrying the weight on his shoulders. I felt tremendous resentment towards my brother who did the absolute bare minimum (usually when there were people there to tell him how amazing he was being) yet left my dad and I to do all the tough stuff. I will never forgive him.