dying DF now we ve been called fuckwits by a family member...aibu to be furious

[whatisforteamum]

I ve just had one of my worst months ever.Df is v ill and been hospitalised for weeks.So very much wrong with him he now cant walk more like shuffle to the loo.we almost lost him a few weeks ago.I started a new job too and despite leaving my last one due to too many hrs working I have just done 72 hr stretch on the rota.
I am physically and mentally drained.
on DFs request we haven't been able to visit for a few weeks which has been hard.He has been tearful angry and sleeps a lot due to his cancer being everywhere.This has been very hard for us not being able to see him or help out.
I visited him at his new nursing home and thought it was fantastic.Light airy and modern.I messaged DB to thank him for finding somewhere so nice( mum asked him to take her as he is in charge of the wills etc and was on hols for two weeks and they are close).
then I receive a text we are al fuckwits who could help more!!! Dsis has taken dm 6 times plus to visit DF.My dh has collected her a few times and offered last night to pick her up each night after his 12 hr day.Ive picked up shopping and nappy pads too.
we are so hurt.Dm has always insisted on getting a cab to visit df.So angry an educated well off man spoke to us like this1

Did the dbro take some leave from work? (I suspect t and I notice that no one suggested said dbro took some time off to recover and get a bit of breathing space... back to women's work etc... there)

Yes. He had 2 weeks holiday, it says so in the OP.

Is he in charge of wills as in exceutor- will probably has no influence on who should take the lead at this stage?
Or does he have power of attorney for health and wellbeing and finance (if he does have both then you could say well you took those on so the responsibility is down to you- which would reallypiss anyone off...)
Choosing a care Home and managing all this stuff is really hard and stressful, if he is working he probably thinks you should do more.

I see loads of families who leave it all to one person, but are then first in line when it comes to the house sale or whatever when the person dies/ first to criticise when something is not right. God I had one family who told their sister, who was ill they should look after their parent at home so no money was spent on care Home fees, but the sibling who said it also said they were too busy to help out with any caring at home.

Emotions run very high when a parent is extremely poorly. My brother and I had a fractured (at best) relationship before Mum died. His behaviour while she was dying and immediately after finished our relationship completely.

OP I understand how hard this is, can you try and speak to your brother and explain where you're coming from?

Been there before and living through it again.

My DF said he didn't want anyone visiting. We still went - and he was glad to see us. I think it was his way of "protecting" us. Cancer and its treatment causes all sorts of mood changes, I have to keep reminding myself it's not the person, it's the disease that's being ratty and rude.

Sounds like DBro has been bearing the brunt of this, and believe me, it's relentless being the main contact for a dying person. I can easily spend several whole mornings a week sorting invoices or benefits. There's also keeping other relatives/friends updated. I've now involved the local MP in trying to change nursing homes for my DSis. I'm still working full time allegedly

Cut him some slack, apologise for being absent and ask how you can help.

I'm sorry your family is going through this

You're directing all your upset about your DF's illness on to your DB's language. You're all stressed and upset but nitpicking over language isn't a good use of your energy. With all kindness, forget about it.
I've been where you are, with a terminally ill DF, trying to balance work and visits, and ensure siblings all get time on their own with DF too. What we found helped was sitting down together and working out a rota for visits, lifts, etc. It's the only way to ensure no-one is overly burdened. You have to remember it's a very difficult time for everyone.

I'm sorry to hear about your DF. I don't have any experience and can see by MN and hearing from others that there is often tension between siblings at times like this. If you are able to I would not bear a grudge over it as people say and do things during stressful times that they are later not proud of.

In terms of your AIBU, if you feel hurt by DB's comments you feel hurt. No-one can tell you how to feel. He is a grown man and should have said he is finding things difficult and asked for more help rather than lashing out with no other indications he was disgruntled by this. I Some people have the tendency to play the martyr - take over all the work and then complain to everyone else that they are doing everything. I don't know your DB so that might not be the case here.

I think the whole emotion has got to your DB a lot and he is taking out his frustration on you.

Try not to be so sensitive about it.

If your DM thinks you have done all you can and is happy with the support, as well as your DF, then clearly it is simply you'd DB not coping well.

If this was me it would be a wake up call to maybe help out more.

72 hours work - you don't HAVE to do and in in the great scheme of things you have to prioritise. Right now, your DF and your DB need you.

OP YANBU.

I have read your other threads and posts.

Some people are just arseholes. Perhaps your brother is one of them, just like mine.

Sorry to hear about your Dad. I hope you manage to get some time with him.

For you .

I was in your brothers shoes 2 years ago. I didn't get thanked though. Not once.
It drained me, the stress of it all was horrendous. Working is not an excuse, sorry. I was told as I was part time worker that I had to do it. I lived 3 hours away with a baby.
Don't be disgusted. That's his dad too and he's stressed. Ferrying people about and picking up nappy pads is nothing in comparison. Go see your father and offer your brother some support. Rather than just being offended that he lashed out

Op you keep explaining why you cant/havent done more. Thats fine.

However it does not make dbros role and his stress any better.

While your reasons maybe valid. He isvstressed and hurting too. He slipped up and was rude. Surely you can understand that

Can I also add that if you've followed your DF instructions and haven't seen him (I'm not having a go at all) but that your brother has, absolutely nothing prepares you for seeing a parent declining rapidly through cancer. One day I actually walked past my mum's bed in the hospice because she'd changed so dramatically literally overnight.

It's a horrible situation for all of you, I wouldn't wish it on anybody, and everyone's emotions are on high alert. Sometimes you just need to let things go and try again. I did this repeatedly with my brother, mostly to keep the peace and to avoid putting any further stress on to my parents. Now we're NC because I can't tolerate the sight of him, but I tried.

on DFs request we haven't been able to visit for a few weeks

Why did he request only you don't visit? What have you done to resolve this?
Your db sounds worn out doing everything for his parents while you stay away, I must admit in these circumstances I would be raging at a sibling too.

Op, I'm sorry to hear about your DF.

Talk to your DB. He's probably really struggling and needs some support himself. Your DF was likely trying to protect you and didn't really mean for you not to visit - perhaps he thinks you couldn't cope with it?

Your DB sounds like he's resenting you continuing as though nothing's happening, which to all intents and purposes, you are. What you've described doing is very little in the scheme of things. The fact that you've worked 72hrs isn't relevant here, sorry. Your DB can't do anything about that - you can.

Also remember that he is not only doing all this for your DF, he is taking the weight of your DM's grief (the process generally starts before the person actually dies) and worries. If you're working so many hours then you're neither supporting your DF, your DM or indeed your DB.

Don't have regrets. You can't change anything after the event and as you know, words are cheap...

I suspect df requested no visits from anyone as he was soiling himself both ways and thought he was dying.He was embarrassed in a lot of pain.
DM has put the pressure on DB and excluded us not the other way around.My DH offered grass cutting shopping lifts which she declined as she prefers the cabs.
I walk through a church yard to get to my job daily...this alone has been hard as funerals obviously take place.

Why does your dad not want you to visit ?

Whoops just saw your reply.

I think you need to pitch in a bit more. It's a finite period and if you have energy to moan on mumsnet, you can probably find some capacity to contribute to your DFs situation. Your DB's language is neither here nor there - stress rarely brings out the best in anyone and the most straightforward way to improve his commubnication is to get in touch properly (i.e. not texting) and agree a division of labour.

Do YOU want to visit ?

Your db sounds worn out doing everything for his parents while you stay away

He isn't doing everything - OP describes other help they have been providing outside the nursing home. Also from OP post:

He told us three dsis not to visit at all on dfs request.

Which begs the question - if the DB passed on the message to the three DSIS not to visit why is he now taking this attitude.

OP: I don't know whether your DB is just equally stressed or behaving like the uncle in a PP post but the three DSIS need to talk to your DM and find out what your DF really does want and ask her if you can resume visiting.

I'm sorry but you are making it all about you. I'm sorry that you are going through this but so is your brother.
Walking through a church where a funeral is held. Seeing your rapidly declining dad and mum in throes of grief is harder.
But you haven't seen him, so how could you know. And now instead of resolving it with your brother, you are refusing to acknowledge he is stressed and keep talking about your job and walking through a church. Go and see your DF. It will help everyone involved

You've posted a thread before I think?

Do you want everyone to excuse you and say it's all ok?

I personally think you need to step up a little and stop excusing your behaviour. I can't relate though TBF, as if it was my DF wild horses wouldn't keep me away.

Just to add Op, when my DF died I had tried to keep going at work. Fairly successfully but in the last week, I'd been very unreliable as my DF was rushed into resus again and again. I was fired (or rather, let go) from my job 2 days after he died. They also didn't actually tell me - I found out after I tried to log on to catch up on my work emails and couldn't access the system and had to ring in. I'd been there 6 years and had been flexible previously when they needed me to be, taking very little time off, ever.

So no, work doesn't matter. FWIW, I laughed about it. I had to, it was so outstandingly cruel. I just thought perhaps it was my DF sending a strong message!! The only hate I felt at that time was that I'd tried to keep going at work for the previous month and it wasn't appreciated or recognised and I could have spent more precious time with my DF.

so you're jealous he's got a good income ?

WTF?

I've been in this situation. Your excuses are pissing me off just reading them. So I have a high degree of sympathy for your brother.

"Oh, I walk through a churchyard daily....wah wah wah there are funerals". "I have anxiety and can't drive" Oh poor me, it is so sad my Daddy is dying is the undertone I'm getting.

Meanwhile your brother who is grieving too is having to deal with his grief, his job and all the crappy admin, the inevitable late night phone calls about stuff, the stress about the money.

My cousins did similar when my Gran was dying "Oh we want to remember her as she was". Meanwhile in hospital my Gran was desperately looking for them to come to visit and spent most of every visit I made asking about them. Meanwhile I was

Posters telling OP she should ignore her father's wishes and go anyway are being very unfair. You don't tell a terminally ill person that their feelings and wishes don't count and go against them. It's clearly hurting OP not to be able to see her father.

While I agree that there are other ways she could do more, this isn't one of them. It must be very hurtful to be told you can't see your father when he's dying and I think we could do well to remember that.