dying DF now we ve been called fuckwits by a family member...aibu to be furious

[whatisforteamum]

I ve just had one of my worst months ever.Df is v ill and been hospitalised for weeks.So very much wrong with him he now cant walk more like shuffle to the loo.we almost lost him a few weeks ago.I started a new job too and despite leaving my last one due to too many hrs working I have just done 72 hr stretch on the rota.
I am physically and mentally drained.
on DFs request we haven't been able to visit for a few weeks which has been hard.He has been tearful angry and sleeps a lot due to his cancer being everywhere.This has been very hard for us not being able to see him or help out.
I visited him at his new nursing home and thought it was fantastic.Light airy and modern.I messaged DB to thank him for finding somewhere so nice( mum asked him to take her as he is in charge of the wills etc and was on hols for two weeks and they are close).
then I receive a text we are al fuckwits who could help more!!! Dsis has taken dm 6 times plus to visit DF.My dh has collected her a few times and offered last night to pick her up each night after his 12 hr day.Ive picked up shopping and nappy pads too.
we are so hurt.Dm has always insisted on getting a cab to visit df.So angry an educated well off man spoke to us like this1

Whatever you do, don't start falling out with each other, especially at this stage. You are all under immense emotional pressure.
Remember, we all hurt and grieve in different ways, and the F word, is just that, a word, that people use in every day life, don't judge him.
If I was you, I would definitely go and see him, give him a hug, and see if you can together, develop a different strategy, whereby, you all feel equally supported.

You need to go regardless, spend time with you df, help your dm, support your siblings and take some off the burden off your db. Staying away for so many weeks does not help anyone including yourself.

You've expressed surprise at the language your brother used and you've said it's out of character for him. So bear that in mind if he's behaving in a way you'd not expect.

Ask yourself, honestly, has it been convenient for you that you've not visited? I just wonder if maybe you're feeling a little guilty and you've been using the 'DF doesn't want us to visit' card as a bit of a get out clause.

if you can have an open dialogue with your brother then you can clear the air and move on.

Honestly, shopping trips and grass cutting are not the same as hospital visits and finding a hospice.
The time you have with your DF is finite. Think carefully about how you want to be involved. Blaming your dad for telling you not to visit, blaming your mum for not wanting lifts to shopping trips, blaming a new job - in the end, none of this will matter. It's your relationship with your DF that matters. Really, this is the time when you need to prioritise spending time with him, not look for excuses to be less involved.

So you've been to see him in his new place which you thanked your db for finding. Have you been back since?

Is your DF happier to have you visit now? I'm a little confused?

Obviously he shouldn't have called you a fuckwit but I think we all do things we shouldn't do when under intense emotional and mental pressure.

This is just impossible to call without hearing his side of things. Finding and sorting out a care home is a very stressful and time consuming job. From his perspective, you doing a bit of shopping and chauffeuring could pale in comparison (not saying this is the case, just how it could seem) and the 'well done' could seem patronising.

There really does always seem to be one family member who has to do most of the work in these situations. It's not always avoidable, but that doesn't make it any less stressful. And it's worse when the people who aren't doing the bulk of it start project managing the poor sod who's carrying the world on their shoulders.

I do sense, and I might be completely wrong, that you're perhaps not appreciating that everyone else is as stressed and sad as you are. The issue, after all, goes further and deeper than your brother calling you a name in an argument. And while walking through the churchyard is of course distressing, I am sure that the rest of your family have triggers they see too. It does seem as though you might be forgetting that everyone is suffering here, not just you.

I think you should go and see him and get a staff member to tell him you are there. Then he can decide what he wants and you know for sure you're respecting his wishes.

We have been in your brothers shoes. DH had to arrange nursing home care for his mother and it was a very difficult and stressful time. My heart goes out to anyone else in that situation. SIL didn't involve herself at all with making the arrangements. I can understand your brothers frustration to be honest.

Agree this needs discussion. Maybe you could also talk to your mum about leaning so hard on your brother. Could you do something to support her?

DF GAVE INSTRUCTIONS TO DB NO ONE ELSE BUT DM AND DB TO VISIT the last 3 weeks and be involved in his care.DM looks up to DB as he has nicer car home and lifestyle than the other four of us.
My other DB has given lifts dsis too and other dsis done the garden up.
Cancer is a very cruel illness which both my parents have been through the last decade.
thank you all so much for replying the people that have been where I am know the emotional toll watching previously active positive people decline and wish to die.When I visited with dh df seemed better than a few weeks ago.
I gree texting isn't good however I work unsociable hrs so I'm not off when db is.

I think you've posted about this before that your db came from abroad and wasn't allowing anyone to visit?
And now he's saying none of you help.

He's an arsehole. Sounds like someone from my family. I'd call him out on this and from now on ignore any orders from him and spend time with your dad. Also try to cut down your hours at work. Do your contracted hours and explain to your boss why.

My cousins did similar when my Gran was dying "Oh we want to remember her as she was".

But that isn't similar. Your cousins were prioritising their wishes, OP was trying to abide by her DF's as communicated to her by her DB, the very person now swearing at her.

But congrats on being such a living saint yourself, not sure how that helps the OP situation.

Obviously it's a horrible situation for everyone and emotions run high. Yes he should not have called you that name but under the extreme circumstances yes YABU to be 'furious' with your DB as all this is happening. He's under strain just like you are

I must admit I have no idea why posters are so hung up on the visiting thing. Whether or not the OP visits has fuck all to do with whether she could/should have helped with finding a care home etc (which I think she should have - leaving it all to her brother is unfair on him, even if that's what the dp's want).

Op - I think you should apologize to your bro, say you felt out of the loop and didn't know what to do to help, and make it clear you are prepared to step up/help with decisions/logistics etc going forward.

You are all under stress, try to be kind to each other.

OP, I found myself wondering here about family history. My DM and her siblings managed to get through the death of their mother without arguing or fighting because they'd all felt equally loved growing up and the family as a whole was resilient. One sibling ended up doing the lion's share and did it willingly as she loved her Mum and was closest and had most time. My DM did the least as she was physically furthest away, but she did what she could and was not resented.

When my FIL died, my SIL ended up doing a lot of the work involved. It was done from a sense of duty, and if you understand the acronym FOG, well she was right in the middle of it. She stopped speaking to us and still isn't years later.

On one level, I can't really get my head around SIL's resentment as she chose to do way more than was strictly necessary.and resented us because we didn't do the same. For the record, we would have done way more, but were turned away from every suggestion by MIL who nursed a sense of martyrdom throughout.

The problem stemmed from insecurities that were set up years before the actual death. I get the impression from your posts that there may be a similar dynamic occurring within your family. Do you feel that there is imbalance between how you are all being pulled about?

I don't have any useful suggestions. I mostly feel sorry for SIL, because she's obviously unhappy on many levels to hold the levels of resentment that she has. I agree to an extent that you should perhaps, cut your brother some slack, but if you genuinely feel you have done what you can in a difficult situation, then cut yourself some slack too.

I don't feel any guilt over FIL's death and I am fairly sure my DH doesn't either. MIL continues to be upset that SIL and DH aren't speaking, but seems blind to the fact it was her who created the dynamic.

You may not be able to fix it, but do what you can. If your resentment of your brother's words is partly based in your own feelings of guilt, then you need to look at whether you are doing enough. Try to be compassionate with yourself and your brother. I hope you can find some common ground.

I feel very sorry for your brother, I think he's been put in a very stressful situation and he's snapped.

only DM and DB knew about the nursing home we weren't in discussions.They chose the first one which I agree upon visiting is fantastic.
you cannot visit someone in hospital if they don't want you to.
we went before we were told this though.Cheerful and positively .

But Trollspoop didn't the OP say her father requested she stay away?
OP have you pulled your weight here ? My DF went into a home (found by me and funded by me) then moved to a better one (found by me funded by state) I did every single bit of running around (including having him live with me for nine months when he went from mild dementia to not recognising me) I did everything. My sister didn't go near him for five years. FIVE YEARS. She didn't even ask after him. When he died she went ballistic and told me I should have kept her informed of everything to do with him!!! I have been NC with her ever since. It's an emotive subject but if you think you could have done more and could do more, step up now before it's too late. If your DF genuinely asked you to stay away then you are merely doing as requested.

DM looks up to DB as he has nicer car home and lifestyle than the other four of us.

I suspect she looks up to him because he is supportive, confident, prioritises his dying df and makes her feel secure, nothing to do with his car/home.

You need to go and spend time with your dm/db and make definitive plans of how you will support them/do your bit, work out how you can get you df to accept visits from you instead of sitting in the background getting on with work and giving the appearance of not caring.

Cross post

WeAll

Sadly I agree

I don't think It's the material things she 'looks up to'.

Do you want to be more involved in his care and his visiting?

If so I would amicably make this known to your DM and DB.

DM looks up to DB as he has nicer car home and lifestyle than the other four of us.

This is a perfect example of the kind of speculation believed as fact that always, always, always occurs in these sorts of situations. I'm guilty of it too although I try to catch it these days.

This is also why AIBU is so pointless 90% of the time and anyone who posts a reverse deserves to be tarred and feathered. (I know this isn't a reverse thread.) Speculation as fact. OP's beliefs about other people's thought processes and motivations as fact.

OP you are sounding a bit focussed on why you can't do x, y, z and not very focussed on what you can do. You have to work and don't drive, so you can't do lifts etc. Ok, what can you do? You have to walk through a graveyard to go to work. I am sure there will be a way you could avoid the graveyard, may take a little longer- but if it upsets you so much then surely a little longer walk would be worth it to avoid the upset.

What do you think could have been done differently OP? You keep telling us why you couldn't do x, y, z. Fine, you respected DF wishes- understandable. You dropped off shopping/pads, your siblings offered lifts. That's not all that much. Your DB clearly feels you all could have done more- surely you could do more to support DB without DF or DM knowing? With a bit of thought that should have been possible.

Honestly, if you feel you are totally in the right, then probably best to either speak to your brother and clear the air, or cut him some slack. Maybe CALL and ask him what he feels you could do- see if what he expects is reasonable. If not, you need to sit down and explain what you can/cannot do.

You work unsocial hours so couldn't call- was there really no time you could have called? I'm afraid I don't entirely buy that excuse. He has been on holiday for the last 2 weeks, so presumably would be more available than usual. The text may have not have been taken in the way you meant.

I don't mean this to sound as stern as perhaps it does- having a dying parent is very hard. But I don't think your DB is all in the wrong here. Both got it wrong, I think.

only DM and DB knew about the nursing home we weren't in discussions.

You aren't in the discussions because you haven't been there and involved. If you want to be involved be there, you db has enough on his plate without having to do even more to update/seek approval/get input from dsis's who appear to have detached themselves from the situation.

You need to be more aware how you actions are making you appear to your db.

People sometimes do seem better before they pass. So just bear this in mind and prepare yourself. Your brother sounds incredibly stressed and upset that he's the one, whose been chosen. I.e. Singled out to do all the donkey work because he's been put on some kind of pedestal that he didn't ask for. And your text, however well meant, is a stark reminder.

What you're doing right now is acting like a victim. Your mother has refused help from you because she's decided to lean on him as has your father. And you're complying. That's hardly fair now, is it?

Forget what he said and send him a text saying you don't know what to do for the best and you're sorry to be so useless and out of your depth. Tell him you've been offering help and realise you needed to be offering it directly to him. Ask him what he needs from you. He's the one holding it all together, not your mother by the sounds of it. Better still, you're both off now, aren't you? Pick up the phone.

DF GAVE INSTRUCTIONS TO DB NO ONE ELSE BUT DM AND DB TO VISIT the last 3 weeks

Seen this in my and DH families - the older person sort of nominates one family member and then tells everyone they can do everything.

Oh don't bother - y will sort that never asking y if if something they have time for or if they do y feels they can't say no - and when they look for support to get it done everyone say well they want you to do it - which if often true but unhelpful.

It starts to be expect y will do everything and y starts to get very resentful .

In our family it's unmarried men and any women - even when their DILs who get nomintaed even if they've got kids or jobs or both. I was a teenager when it happen twice to my parents - and I did all I could - it can aso cause hugh tensions in a marriage. It's always impacted on work and health.

I'd suggest ringing him - rather than getting annoyed about language in a text that could have come at a bad time.