Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To not want house guests in my new house

74 replies

Redadmiralflyer · 02/09/2017 19:43

Moved into a new home and we have a spare bedroom with the view of it being future dc room when we are ready.
Just moved in and already a family member has invited her self round to stay over every other weekend and xmas time.

We live down south and dh sister is in Scotland and visits family every other weekend, other than stay with her parents on a blow up bed she has invited herself to stay at ours and has told all the family that's what she will be doing, xmas too.

I work full time and want to come home to my own house without worrying about guests. I'm the only person who disagrees with these arrangements but I feel livid. This was not the reason I bought a house with a spare bedroom.
I also want xmas in my own home with my own little family, without people staying over.
I'm going to talk to dh tonight but I will be the baddy for having her sleep on the blow up bed at her parents when we have a spare room here. If it was a one off then fine but every other weekend? No, I want my weekends to relax and enjoy time to myself.

OP posts:

Fwend · 02/09/2017 19:44

Oh lord, of course YANBU!

Every other weekend? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

coraliss · 02/09/2017 19:46

I would be livid. Total invasion of your space. Weekends are for resting up & chill time. I wouldn't want someone inviting themselves to mine every other weekend either... once every now & then - fine, but every other weekend?! She's very cheeky!

GinAndToast · 02/09/2017 19:47

Just say no directly to her, and act baffled at anybody else who comments.

It's your space to use (or not use) as you please.

FNAF · 02/09/2017 19:48

Yanbu, put her straight.

Notevilstepmother · 02/09/2017 19:49

Can you get an imaginary lodger? So sorry dear CF SIL but we are renting out the spare room to a young professional. They don't want to move their stuff out at Christmas as they will be going to see family for the days so you can't possibly stay over.

Put a lock on the door so she can't stick her nose in and job done.

Textpectation · 02/09/2017 19:51

Fuck that. If you wanted a lodger, you'd get one.

Why is she on a blow up bed at her parents? It's obviously ok because she's happy enough every other weekend and Xmas.

Booboobooboo84 · 02/09/2017 19:52

Once a month and maybe over chrimbo fair enough but every other weekend charge her rent!!

soupforbrains · 02/09/2017 19:54

Wow. I COMPLETELY understand your need for coming home to your own home and your own space without guests.

A couple of years ago I had a friend in crisis who was about to be homeless. She had a job, so I knew she'd be able to sort things out, just not instantly. I said she could stay for a week or two until she found herself somewhere.

16 months later I FINALLY got her out of my house. It's a long story I won't go into but your home is exactly that, YOUR HOME. It's not the same if you have to consider others in terms of your schedule, bathroom usage what your doing when/what you're cooking. What you watch on telly when to do housework and not being able to/feeling comfortable to just relax in the way you would without them there.

I totally get it.

I also understand not wanting to be the big baddie though. I would start by saying that maybe she can stay at yours every other time (if you think you can cope with once a month) and that you want an intimate first Christmas in the new house so it would be best if she stayed with the parents.

If she/DH aren't willing to at least compromise then I would totally lose my shit and just say no to all of it and just ride the shit-storm out. Because if they can't compromise then they're just expecting to be able to run ramshod all over you.

Good luck. xx

Bunbunbunny · 02/09/2017 19:54

YANBU that would drive me nuts, if your DH doesn't understand invite your mum, brother aunt uncle everyone to stay the other weekends and see how much he enjoys it.

soupforbrains · 02/09/2017 19:55

Notevilstepmother that is also a genius back up plan. I'm liking the way you think.

BackforGood · 02/09/2017 19:56

Would be a straight no from me.

Original poster

Redadmiralflyer · 02/09/2017 19:58

I work right through xmas. Xmas day and new year are the only days I have off. I do not want to come home to house guests when I just want to spend one to one time with dh and dd.
I like my own space and I also have ibs which can be quite embarrassing and if I had a guest over I would end up very sore trying to hold it in all the time
Just so livid it's spoilt my exciting new house feeling.

OP posts:

Celeriacacaca · 02/09/2017 20:07

Absolutely no way. Give her an inch and she'll take a mile if her cheekiness so far is anything to go by. Tell her it doesn't suit, and repeat every time it comes up.

I had a similar situation and was guilted into having a relative stay. It was horrendous and she had no respect for my space or my house. A week stay turned into a month and I virtually had to throw her out as we had friends coming from abroad to stay, the deadline for which I'd made very clear to her beforehand, but she ignored this. Of course I was made to look the baddie but by that stage I really didn't care. Haven't seen her since...

Pouncival · 02/09/2017 20:08

Please don't make up a cover story - just be straight. "Sorry that doesn't work for me". If SIL spends every other weekend with her parents it's up to them to make her comfortable.

brasty · 02/09/2017 20:13

Its mean not to let family stay at Xmas, and some weekends. Every second weekend is too often though.

backtoworkhiho · 02/09/2017 20:13

Invent a rat/snake/mouse/spider problem

Get it sorted. Then say "of course it could happen again as we don't know where they came from"

Sly. But I imagine she'd avoid the room where the snake found its way in mysteriously

Trollspoopglitter · 02/09/2017 20:16

Don't make up lies. Simple - this isn't your parents house and the home you grew up in, SIL. You wait to be invited - not dictate to me when I will be hosting you.

Parker231 · 02/09/2017 20:24

You don't need to make excuses to her. She is your DH's family - he just needs to tell her that sorry it's not convenient.

Yr10DD · 02/09/2017 20:24

I agree with soup for brains - then do 'princess & the pea' with her mattress but use big bricks!😉

Somerford · 02/09/2017 20:25

In this situation a lot depends on the kind of person you are. I am quite introverted so my working day takes a big toll, when I get home I don't want guests for the most part and I don't want mess and clutter. I just want peace and quiet. Other people are quite happy to have the opposite of that and they can't comprehend how important it is for some people to have a settled home life.

There is nothing wrong with hosting occassionally and letting a guest stay over here and there but if it's a regular thing you begin to feel like it's not really your space any more. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting reasonable boundaries but you might have a hard time convincing your DH of that if he doesn't feel the same way and he is happy to have a less settled and less predictable hone life. I have had the same argument many a time and I'm sorry to say that I haven't typically handled it very well so I don't have much by way of advice. I think it really comes down to finding a way to strongly express how intrusive you'd find it to have someone staying over so regularly, I've struggled to do that in the past and have usually come off looking like a deranged recluse who hates everybody. Although in fairness that is largely true.

ArcheryAnnie · 02/09/2017 20:29

YANBU. Good grief.

I mean, some people love having an open house where people rock up and stay, and that's great. If that's not you, then you should not have to put up with constant uninvited guests.

indulgentberries · 02/09/2017 20:30

Every other weekend? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

This, with bells on! That's totally and utterly unacceptable. Tell them that they are welcome to stay but you charge £90 a night.

Mothervulva · 02/09/2017 20:36

Everyone else can huff and puff, but she didn't even ask. I'd be amazed if everyone agreed with her over you.
YANBU.

MiddlingMum · 02/09/2017 20:39

If she doesn't like sleeping on an air bed, why don't they buy a proper bed, or even one of those put-you-up ones?

Does your spare room already have a bed? I'd put it in the loft and turn the room into an office/sewing room/whatever

SenecaFalls · 02/09/2017 20:41

I enjoy having house guests every once in a while. Every other week? No way.

Flip

1 2 3