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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP and evening out today

69 replies

Bubble77bee · 01/09/2017 19:49

Not sure if I am blowing this out of proportion, but I'm really annoyed! About a month ago I booked tickets (£5 each) for DP and I to go to a local event tonight. Not a massive deal but I was looking forward to it and he knew all about it and agreed to me booking tickets. Start of this week he discovered that he needed to go away with work to a meeting today - about a 2hr drive away. This is a fairly frequent occurrence, so not unusual. He told me the meeting was 1 til 4pm. A few nights ago I showed him the flyer for the event tonight with the timings of it, (it started at 6) and said that he'd need to be back here by 7 at the latest for us to go. Fast forward to 6:15pm today and he phoned me to say that he was just leaving the meeting and should he rush back. I said that he wouldn't make it back in time so it was too late for us to go to the event. I had tried contacting him earlier to find out if he had left yet. He told me the meeting went on til 5, then he did some other stuff afterwards. He is rubbish with time, so I just know he won't have rushed or told people he needed to leave at a certain time. He could have decided earlier in the week that he wouldn't be able to make it, or phoned me at 4 to say he wasn't able to leave yet so that I could find someone else to go with or pass the tickets onto someone else. I work in a completely different industry/sector where timings are very much set and if you have plans in the evening. you know you will be able to make it. AIBU to be annoyed? He is currently stuck in traffic on his way back home and I am upset!

OP posts:

Original poster

Bubble77bee · 01/09/2017 19:57

Bump

OP posts:

softshells · 01/09/2017 19:58

I'd be upset too, OP. What do you think it is? Is he typically like this - is it thoughtlessness to the extent it's selfishness or a one off?

Original poster

Bubble77bee · 01/09/2017 20:03

Unfortunately this is typical. I feel like I organise my life around him, and it's never the other way round. He's rubbish at planning ahead and isn't very good at being thoughtful.

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 01/09/2017 20:06

Hi OP - I'm sorry but "rubbish with time" equates to selfish and thoughtless. He's behaved like a dick.

Original poster

Bubble77bee · 01/09/2017 20:08

His take on it is that he's said sorry, that it couldn't be helped, and that it was going to be a long shot that he would make it back in time anyway given Friday night traffic. I think I am disproportionately upset as it is typical of him not thinking about me and not putting me first.

OP posts:

softshells · 01/09/2017 20:09

It could be helped though, couldn't it? How is your relationship generally?

Qwerty111 · 01/09/2017 20:13

This would give me the rage too OP. So many ways he COULD have got home in time

"Sorry, no, I can't come to a meeting that afternoon"
"Can we rearrange to 10am"
"Please put me first on the agenda"
"Hi everyone, I'll be leaving at 3:30"

Seems like it wasn't something he wanted to do enough to make a bit of effort. But he knew you were looking forward to it so that's a bit shitty of him.

HundredMilesAnHour · 01/09/2017 20:16

YABU. Just because in your industry timings are set, it doesn't mean it's the same everywhere else. Meetings overrun, key discussions take longer than expected, problems arise that need to be dealt with there and then. It has to be something pretty damn major for it to be acceptable to walk out saying "sorry I have to leave now". I don't think £10 of tickets counts as anywhere near major. It's unfortunate but these things happen.

AmysTiara · 01/09/2017 20:16

Even if it was a long shot he'd get home in time, he didn't even bother to try.

Sorry bubble, he sounds thoughtless at best and mean at worst.

Original poster

Bubble77bee · 01/09/2017 20:17

Our relationship is good - we have just had a lovely holiday together and he makes me laugh everyday. He has endless patience, never gets annoyed with me and adores me. But .... his time keeping drives me mad!

OP posts:

Mrscropley · 01/09/2017 20:18

Arrange a Fantastic night out. .
And take a friend.
Tell him you couldn't rely on him so made proper plans with someone not so flakey. .

silverbell64 · 01/09/2017 20:18

So you know what he's like? Sometimes it's just not possible to cut and run. I'd not arrange anything set in the future unless it's over a weekend. I'd arrange something with a friend instead.

Original poster

Bubble77bee · 01/09/2017 20:22

Qwerty - you are so right. Part of me thinks that if he had an appointment tonight for something that was important to him, he'd have been back sooner.
Hundred - thank you for making me think of it from another perspective. Part of me does understand that some of this was outside his control.
But I don't feel like he made any effort to get back in time, and he has not grovelled enough!!

OP posts:

FenceSitter01 · 01/09/2017 20:23

Work puts a roof over your head and pays the bills. Works always comes first.

Original poster

Bubble77bee · 01/09/2017 20:32

Thank you for all your views on this - it is helping, but I am now also annoyed that I have wasted the last couple of hours by being annoyed/upset!

OP posts:

HundredMilesAnHour · 01/09/2017 20:33

I appreciate that it can be hard to understand if your industry works differently but in my industry (Financial Services), this is very normal especially if you're senior / want to become senior / serious about your career. I've learnt not to make plans on weekday evenings (unless it's with other FS people who understand as they have the same struggle getting away on time) as you can guarantee the day you need to get away early/on time is the day when everything will go pear-shaped. And saying no to meetings (as someone suggested above) is frequently not possible. It's hard enough to get people together at the same time without having to deal with everyone's domestic arrangements as well. Nothing would ever get done.

I hope this helps a little. I have seen a lot of relationships crash and burn over the years because people's other halves didn't understand and took it personally. It sounds like you have an otherwise great relationship OP.

mindutopia · 01/09/2017 20:35

I work in a field where it's typical to have to work late or come home and work in the evenings. In fact, I regularly have afternoon meetings when I'm in the office that run an hour or more over and I end up not getting home until 8 at night (my actual office is 3 hours from home, which I travel into a couple days a week and then come home that evening). So to me, unfortunately, that sounds really reasonable on his part. It wouldn't be possible for me to duck out of a meeting in the middle to make a personal call and I can't control how long the meetings go on. I also can't usually run out the door right after either as I need to do a few things before I can go. So just for me, all that sounds like a pretty normal day at work and unfortunately nothing that could be prevented. But I don't doubt it would be frustrating. We have a 4 year old so can't plan anything in the evenings usually anyway, but if I did, it would be planned for a night when I knew I would be able to get home on time. If I had a meeting, I would have re-scheduled the evening in case I couldn't make it (not fair to leave our babysitter hanging if we need to cancel). So he or maybe both of you probably should have been more realistic earlier in the week, but maybe he was just hopeful he could make it home because he knew it meant a lot to you. So definitely I think it's understandable to be upset and disappointed, but maybe not really angry at home about it, if that makes sense.

eddielizzard · 01/09/2017 20:35

you MUST still go to it. probably too late now, but next time have a backup plan. make it clear that you won't be waiting around for him, and maybe he'll start making more effort.

eddielizzard · 01/09/2017 20:36

don't actually say anything next time, just go out with a friend instead. he's taking you for granted, messing you around, and you're acting like a martyr. break that cycle.

Neutrogena · 01/09/2017 20:39

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Qwerty111 · 01/09/2017 20:39

The meeting finished at 5 so, yes, he probably wouldn't have made it home by 7. If he'd sprinted to the car then and quickly phoned you, to let you know he was doing his best, you'd have been fine about it.

But by fartarsing around for an hour and 15 minutes after the meeting, he made damn sure he wouldn't even have a slim chance.

All I can suggest is making yourself an enjoyable social life with friends and family. If there's something you want to do, then book it with someone reliable, don't depend on this broken reed.

Sayyouwill · 01/09/2017 20:41

It's annoying. It is upsetting.
But if he's always been like this, are you really surprised? My OH is crap with timing too, because he takes 10 mins to get ready he assumed I do too and is always surprised when I'm not. I don't think it's selfish or thoughtless, more like very different personalities.

BackforGood · 01/09/2017 20:42

Depending on the event - could you not either go without him, or go and get him to drive directly there, or both arrive a bit late?

I know if it were theatre for eg, he couldn't walk in 20mins late, but it would be no problem to go on your own.
If it were a dance or something then he could come late.

It does sound frustrating to me, but it is difficult to know how easy it is for him to leave when the meeting finishes, or not, without knowing his workplace.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/09/2017 20:45

I think you've put him under an enormous amount of pressure. And he tried to make it. It was only £10, not sure whether it's worth sulking over. Next time, just go with a friend who doesn't have to be bound by meetings etc.

FartSmeller · 01/09/2017 20:46

How frustrating!
He needs to work on setting realistic plans. He will have known there is a good chance the meeting will go late so he should say so earlier in the day.

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