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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not go to this concert with DP?

145 replies

thekittensmittens76 · 01/09/2017 13:21

DP is meeting up with his brother to go to a small gig. It's rock metal music or something. They were going with another friend but he dropped out, so there's a ticket spare. DP asked me if I wanted to go, but since he hasn't seen his brother in a while I initially said it would nicer for just the two of them to go and spend some quality time together. Important note - I have met all of DP's family but this brother, because he lives in another country.

Anyway, DP has really been digging in his heels about me going. To keep the peace, I half-heartedly agreed BEFORE he told me the specifics of this concert (he originally phrased it like it was a casual meet-up with brother). However, after learning the full story, there's a whole load of reasons that I don't want to go. I am tiny and hate crowded spaces like gigs because I get crushed or trodden on. DP's also said that I should bring ear plugs because the music will likely be too loud for me?! Plus I hate rock metal music. He's also said I will need to wear clothes 'I don't mind getting ruined'. I take great pride in my wardrobe and all my clothes are lovely and expensive! Basically, I really do not want to go, concerts were never my thing and never will be. I thought it was going to be a chilled out drinking session with music, but it's not.

DP is utterly insistent that I go. AIBU to not go?

OP posts:

DPotter · 01/09/2017 16:41

As someone of 5ft 1 I hate standing only concerts as I can't see a thing. I hate loud music and drink isn't the only fluid being thrown around - veteran of several punk concerts in my teenage years.
So a heavy metal band concert is somewhere near approaching hell on earth for me. Sounds as if the OP feels the same. Why then Neutrogena should the OP 'support' her DP who sounds like he would attend the opening of a crisp packet if invited? She's being supportive in saying - go, have fun.
I would also feel really uncomfortable dragging my DP along to a concert / event I know he would hate. I would be worried about him all the time so I couldn't enjoy it as much as I should. So that would be 2 people having a bad time, rather than 1 person having fun. What's the point there?
Kitten stand your ground and frankly if he pushes it further I would be seriously considering my future with him

RainbowFrog · 01/09/2017 16:45

If it's the money, tell him you'll pay for the ticket instead of going. Or if you do go, insist he goes to something with you that you love but he'll absolutely hate

ratspeaker · 01/09/2017 16:45

As I said before if you dont like the music dont go.

For what its worth DH never comes to gigs with me, he's still back there in the prog rock era. I think the last gig we attended together was Genesis. We've been to a few folksy concerts since but thats it , I'd never insist he chum me to a metal gig. It wouldn't be fair, right or respectful of me to emotionally blackmail him into going.

Benedikte2 · 01/09/2017 16:48

Even his DB doesn't want to go!
Can he find a work colleague etc who would like to go? Two tickets for the price of one?
It will be purgatory for you.

LonelyRadiator · 01/09/2017 16:48

Secret proposal.

You're being filmed for Don't Tell The Bridezillas On Benefits Neighbours Bailiffs Can't Pay Take It Away.

Such a simple solution if he's desperate to go though. Find the band website and advrtise the spare tickets for sale on there.

Ttbb · 01/09/2017 16:49

why would your clothes get ruined? I'd be worried that it was sonething more than just a rock concert tbh-swingers party where people rip off each other's clothes? Ritual sacrifice with the risk of staining from goats' blood?

ikeadyounot · 01/09/2017 16:52

So you've given him a list of good reasons why you don't actually want to go, any one of which would be enough in its own right. Plus you offered him an alternative plan. Yet he's basically bullying you into going?

Sorry, but he sounds absolutely awful.

If you were just a bit 'sitting on the fence' about it, I'd say go and try to enjoy. But it's clear to me that you'll really not have a good time - you don't like crowds, you don't like this kind of music, and you don't like mess and you're pretty guaranteed to get all three. (I've been at metal gigs where the best thing that was thrown was beer).

EyesUnderARock · 01/09/2017 16:53

DP is an arse, no you shouldn't go to something you wouldn't enjoy, let alone find an ordeal. Why would he insist unless he's being completely selfish? He doesn't sound like a long-term relationship if he's this domineering now and not listening to you at all.
OH and I go to some stuff together and some stuff apart. That's how a lasting friendship works best, I've found. I will never love opera.

AlternativeTentacle · 01/09/2017 16:55

Please support your OH - it obviously means a lot to him

Calm down - its a gig...he doesn't need support. Rock up, hand ticket over, watch band, nod head, go home. End of.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/09/2017 17:05

Why are you even still talking to him about it?

You said no. Everyone has said no. He needs to find friends who actually want to go or sell.

His insistence is very rude. Apparently his discomfort outweighs yours and he thinks you can be pressurised into doing something you don't want to do if he wants. Well, he can fuck right off. I'd day you can't go now, it has become a point of principle and respect.

KityGlitr · 01/09/2017 17:06

The only thing I'd say is you're making this decision purely on what your OH has said the gig will be like. Is there some reason you haven't looked into it? You're dead against it but don't even know the name of the band! You could have done some research to see how heavy it really is or watched YouTube videos of some of their gigs to get a feel for it, just seems strange that you've decided against it based on nothing but OH's word?

However it's your right not to attend anything you don't want to and it'd be really weird of your OH to try insist (which he can't, you're a grown adult) you attend when you've decided against it. The only reason I can see for him being so pushy is that this band's music means a lot to him and he wants to share it with you. But if you don't want to go, tough. Thanks for the invite but not happening!

I go to tonnes of gigs (total prog head personally but many of the bands I listen to have metal elements and definitely rock) and accept it's a pretty niche genre not everyone likes and an expensive time consuming hobby. I laughed at the poster who said it can take 1pm-1am taking her kids to gigs when they were younger, I tend not to live near where many of my bands tour so for me it's usually a 200 mile trip across a couple of days, overnight megabus or a cheap multi bed hostel etc. I do this probably a couple of times every month or two on average. I have friends who go too so rarely alone but on occasions where nobody else fancies it I'll happily go alone, including to the ones 200 miles away and back. It's no big deal, tonnes of people go alone and it's easy to make pals in the queue to stand with if you want to. My OH isn't much into my music nor am I into his club nights (which are far less frequent to be fair) so although we've accompanied one another once or twice to see what it's all about and show interest that's pretty much where it ends and I would never expect him to spend his time coming to a gig with me. My ex used to come to 90% of them with me when he wasn't even a huge fan even though I'd tell him he really didn't have to and it cost him a fortune and so much time for something that he didn't even love that much, I'd always say it's fine but when someone insists what can you do.

Norland · 01/09/2017 17:09

Amazing how many people don't know that gig = work and that the performers get 'the gig' but the customers go to a concert..........

Interested to know who the band are (not GWAR)

EyesUnderARock · 01/09/2017 17:10

It's not the gig that's the problem, it's the attitude. Is he like this with other things he feels strongly about?

EyesUnderARock · 01/09/2017 17:11

Not for us Oldies. A gig is a concert, whether provider or consumer.

2017RedBlue · 01/09/2017 17:13

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

EyesUnderARock · 01/09/2017 17:15

Spa day with a full wax.

Crunchymum · 01/09/2017 17:15

Maybe "everyone" is trying to tell him something?

AlternativeTentacle · 01/09/2017 17:16

Amazing how many people don't know that gig = work and that the performers get 'the gig' but the customers go to a concert.

That's because this 'fact' is complete bolleaux.

HappenedForAReisling · 01/09/2017 17:18

Neutrogena will go in your place, OP

AcrossthePond55 · 01/09/2017 17:19

Tell him to put the tickets on StubHub and that you'll use the money to do something that you'll both enjoy.

Going to a metal concert would be my idea of hell. Going to an opera would be my DH's. But we both manage to enjoy a good B'way style musical or a comedy performance. I'm sure you and DH can find a similar meeting of the minds.

AlternativeTentacle · 01/09/2017 17:23

I'd much prefer a metal gig to opera, and I've been to several operas [and many many metal gigs. Never ever been to a metal 'concert' though].

CherieBabySpliffUp · 01/09/2017 17:23

Everyone has pulled out and he's insistent you still need to go.
I think he's planned a surprise

AJPTaylor · 01/09/2017 17:26

Dont go. Me and dh happily married for 26 years. We realised v early on that most concerts we dont share. He is 6' 2" and broad. I an 5'1". I refuse to go and get crushed and look at other peoples backs.he likes to go down the front.

minionsrule · 01/09/2017 17:26

Ask him why he hates you so much that he is bullying you into doing something you will not only hate but feel very uncomfortable at
...... throw the guilt straight back at him love

minionsrule · 01/09/2017 17:28

To those suggesting a surprise/proposal.... really? Why do it at an event she hates..... if anyone did that to me i would probably decline out if spite

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