To think you don't refuse to attend your DC birthday party

[exisaknob]

DS is having a birthday party soon - he's very excited as he's never had one he can remember, it will be in a hall, family and friends and school friends

ExDH (his father) has fallen out with me. I try not to engage much as he's always looking for a row with me but my family are still friendly enough (he's my DS father after all)

I told him at the time I was going to organise the party what my plans were, we agreed I would fund party and he would fund presents this year and both would be from "mum and dad" iyswim but I'd concentrate on the party and he'd concentrate on the birthday list.

Both of us have had financial difficulties recently so it's a case of scrimping and saving and was a way we could manage it. I don't live in a property where we could have a few school friends home for a party. Anyhow I said to ExDH "invite whoever you like from your family and friends, just let me know on numbers in advance" because obviously I didn't want him to feel it was all "my" thing and a spare part

Anyways - he's decided he won't come because he doesn't like me currently because of him finding out that a year on from our divorce starting/4 years on from our split - I started dating.

AIBU in thinking you just suck that up for your excited 5 year old for 2 hours?

It's not even like we'd have time to talk to each other, we'd just be in the same room... for DS. He knows plenty of other parents and people know we aren't together. I can't see how it's any more awkward than a school play etc and there's no new DP going to be there to handle. There's no Jeremy Kyle stuff, our families and friends manage fine to interact.

DS has been told for weeks he would be there, now he's decided he won't be...

He is being ridiculous. I would point out that you are not bothered but his child will be.

Yanbu, what a twat!

He's being a knob. Don't make a big issue of it in front of your son though. I hope he enjoys his party

Point out that you don't care whether he's there or not, but your/his child will. Ask him why he's prepared to punish his son because of his own immaturity, and how does he plan on explaining to DS that he can't be bothered attending his party?

Are any of Ex's family attending?

No idea if any of his friends and family are attending. They'd all be welcome and I know several who'd come for sure but it's not really 'my place' to invite them...

Well, if you are happy to see his family and friends there and know how to contact them, why not invite them. It might make him change his mind or at least show him up for the eejit he is.

What do you mean he won't come because you started dating? Do you mean he's uncomfortable coming to a party with you and your new man?
Not sure how you see a problem with the situation. He can celebrate DS's birthday another time. Perhaps he'd prefer doing that with just the two of them or have a small family gathering with the family from his side. I think you're being unreasonable and have anger issues.

Don't even engage with him on this. Just say 'ok fine' even if you are seething underneath. He is trying to upset you on purpose and you don't want to give him the satisfaction. One thing that worries me is the present thing. He might let you down in that respect so i would make sure you have some back up presents ready.

Terrible father

Its perfectly normal for divorced parents not to attend the birthday party given by the other parent. It's also normal that they do if that works for them.
I'm sure the birthday child will be having fun with their friends and will not really care what adults are there.

Regardless of anything else if he'd told his son that he will be there then, excluding a genuine emergency, he bloody well makes sure he's there.

There's no new man in my DS life. DS doesn't even know I started dating! Ex found my profile on a dating site - so pot kettle black etc as he wouldn't have been there if he wasn't!

The party was arranged and agreed on the basis of "you sort a party, I'll sort presents, they'll be from us both"

JoJoSM2. - from OP:

there's no new DP going to be there to handle.

Anger issues .

Is it that you are dating or that the new man is coming to the birthday party?

He's being an arse....

I would just ignore... After you've told him how disappointed your child will be...

I would bypass him... Invite his family and extended people who are important to your kid...

He may well decide to act as a human when he sees everyone else is going to the party and it will be very obvious to everyone he's being an arse

I think, if the atmosphere between you is difficult, then in those circumstances it is perfectly normal not to both attend the same party. The atmosphere just ruins the occasion. IME a lot of dc with divorced parents rather like the notion of having one celebration with Mum and one on a different day with Dad.

Sorry to clarify. I started dating new people.

I don't have a new DP. At least nothing that counts as a relationship yet anyhow!

The problem is that he agreed something and by acting like this he is going to disappoint your ds. And that's rubbish.

Can I ask if he is still going to deal with the presents from him and you? Or is he likely to give your ds presets saying it's from him but not from you?

Come on Lulujakey1, there are only 16 messages before yours. The OP has said, twice already, there there is no new man, she is on a dating website. Do you think she would arrange for a mere date to come to her child's birthday party??

No idea now on the presents. I may just have to tell DS on the day the party is from me and my present where he'll get lots of other presents.

I can't afford anything else now!

I may just have to tell DS on the day the party is from me and my present nothing wrong with that. When I was little we always chose either party OR presents, thought this was the norm? (I'm 27 if that makes a difference?) He'll probably get presents from guests anyway.

Sorry but I think your BUF, he is not going to be missed and most blokes don't like a room full of hyper children.
So long as he spends time with his son, it doesn't have to be at the party.
This isn't meant to be nasty, but if your not getting on do your really want him spoiling your time at the party.
Also since your Divorced it seems a bit odd you demanding he be there, as most couples don't do this.
Your child only needs the party and a token gift from you, he will have so many gifts, and at 5 he really won't care. Also just because dad gives him more gifts, you do know the party is what he will remember within a months time..

I'd invite his family, after all, they are your DS's family too. If he doesn't come, he'll have to explain to them why. Make sure they know what the agreement was.

He had no problem with a room full of hyper kids prior to me even more obviously moving on than 5 years of not being with him and a divorce in progress