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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you don't refuse to attend your DC birthday party

68 replies

exisaknob · 01/09/2017 09:20

DS is having a birthday party soon - he's very excited as he's never had one he can remember, it will be in a hall, family and friends and school friends

ExDH (his father) has fallen out with me. I try not to engage much as he's always looking for a row with me but my family are still friendly enough (he's my DS father after all)

I told him at the time I was going to organise the party what my plans were, we agreed I would fund party and he would fund presents this year and both would be from "mum and dad" iyswim but I'd concentrate on the party and he'd concentrate on the birthday list.

Both of us have had financial difficulties recently so it's a case of scrimping and saving and was a way we could manage it. I don't live in a property where we could have a few school friends home for a party. Anyhow I said to ExDH "invite whoever you like from your family and friends, just let me know on numbers in advance" because obviously I didn't want him to feel it was all "my" thing and a spare part

Anyways - he's decided he won't come because he doesn't like me currently because of him finding out that a year on from our divorce starting/4 years on from our split - I started dating.

AIBU in thinking you just suck that up for your excited 5 year old for 2 hours?

It's not even like we'd have time to talk to each other, we'd just be in the same room... for DS. He knows plenty of other parents and people know we aren't together. I can't see how it's any more awkward than a school play etc and there's no new DP going to be there to handle. There's no Jeremy Kyle stuff, our families and friends manage fine to interact.

DS has been told for weeks he would be there, now he's decided he won't be...

OP posts:
honeyroar · 01/09/2017 10:45

Isn't it just easier to have a birthday celebration with your friends and family and he and his can do another?

KarateKitten · 01/09/2017 10:47

I don't think we can second guess how he is feeling or why. Being upset about your ex moving on seriously is a perfectly valid reason to create some distance. You organised every aspect of this party from what I understand so I can see how he may find it humiliating to be there like some sort of spare person or maybe he's just upset or sad about everything and this type of event makes it feel worse. It's zero reflection on him as a father or how much he loves his child. He can celebrate separately. It's perfectly normal for separated parents to not attend the family events the other has organised.

BarbarianMum · 01/09/2017 10:50

"Most blokes don't like a roomful of hyper children

Whereas women do. It's in our genes. Hmm

mummmy2017 · 01/09/2017 10:51

Sorry was trying to find a reason for him not going.

I think reading your OP it's just he doesn't want to be in the room with you, and your going to have to accept that, you can't and don't want to force him, as he will just scowl at you bossing him around even after you got a divorce.

Don't invite him anymore, but if he asks then you can always be pleasantly surprised if he wants to.

GreenTulips · 01/09/2017 10:55

Of coarse it's your place to invite your DS's family - ring hai mum aunts and uncles and get his cousins there

You don't need his permission to invite anyone you like

Ignore him he's after attention - he's a grown up

ikeadyounot · 01/09/2017 10:55

He's being super-childish and using your DS's birthday as a way of getting at you, instead of putting his child first.

I think the best response to such behaviour, however, is to get on with the party by yourself and to have a lovely time. Sometimes, it's being prepared to breeze through a situation with a "Fine, no problem, it's up to you!" attitude, like you don't care at all, that actually gets someone to behave like a reasonable, rational adult.

gingerbeerd · 01/09/2017 11:01

He's being a dick but I don't think there's much you can do unfortunately.
His anger is with you (which in itself is ridiculous but nevertheless..), not his DS & I would imagine most people wouldn't want to let something unrelated like that interfere with how they can interact with their child

Theonethingididntwant · 01/09/2017 11:13

I think the problem here is there was an agreement settled between them so their DS would get the best deal out of his birthday. His DF has now decided to be a controlling prick and get upset that OP is doing something she is more than entitled to do and has, as such, decided to punish DS for something that his DF shouldn't even be angry about in the first place. If he still feels weird about it then that's fine. Address it in his own time but make sure DS doesn't suffer for it. At 5 being told daddy will be there and then him not turning up will feel like daddy has let him down. That's how my DS(5) has explained it to me. Kids aren't all the same but it's worth explaining to your ex that he needs to talk to you about his feelings if he feels they need airing. Then realise this is something that is not his place to get involved in. Tell him he needs to not let his child down when he has told him he would be there. It won't end well for his relationship with his son if he does that.

KarateKitten · 01/09/2017 11:13

Green I think when people separate you need to respect that you are no longer one big family and I don't think it would be right for her to invite all his family without his agreement. Unfortunately there has to be boundaries in a split and crossing those without agreement from the other party will understandably lead to even more heartache. So I don't think it's good advice to just get in touch with her exs family and invite them. Unless she is sure this is ok with him.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 01/09/2017 11:18

I completely disagree with that KarateKitten. Unfortunately, when you get divorced you are still part of one big family - your child's one big family. You just have a different role in it now.

I'd be very upset if I never saw my grandchildren again just because my son was acting like a twat.

KarateKitten · 01/09/2017 11:20

People wouldn't be saying such things if the roles were reversed....

....My exDH is organising our ds's birthday and we had talked about me doing the presents and showing up for the party for DS but he's started dating and I can't cope with it or being in a room full of people who know he has someone and life is great for him and I'm struggling and not with anyone. He's doing all the organising and I feel like the party is his thing and it will be embarrassing not to be running it as DS's parent. More like a guest. I know I should suck it up for my DS but it just feels too much......

mummmy2017 · 01/09/2017 11:20

It depends on what type of party this is.
If it's a kids party, with cake and a bouncy castle, don't invite the family, they will hang around and want to help and get in the way, and it also means once you start doing it, when you don't invite them next time it will be commented on.
Your his mum, who knows the mums at school, you need to let it go.
If your on very good terms with your childs grandparents and it's a BBQ with lots of older people then invite them, if you want to.

KarateKitten · 01/09/2017 11:24

Coffee, no doubt it's complicated and if everyone is reasonable and not devestated about the split things can work well. But that's not real life and when you split you don't have the (moral) right to interfere in your ex's private life and direct family without their agreement. It's your sons responsibility to ensure you have access to your grandchild. If he's a twat then you need to work on that with him.

InvisibleCities · 01/09/2017 12:05

Its perfectly normal for divorced parents not to attend the birthday party given by the other parent. It's also normal that they do if that works for them.

Sadly, it's also "perfectly normal" for men like this one to promise their child something, and then refuse and not care about the hurt they will cause because they never grew out of throwing ridiculous tantrums.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 01/09/2017 13:30

I think we'll have to agree to disagree then KarateKitten, because if my DH was a twat there's no way I'd let my DC be cut off from half their family because of it.

The OP and her ex split 4 years ago, I'm willing to bet that he's not massively upset still, he's just a twat.

Daydreamerbynight · 01/09/2017 13:31

Mummy 2017, what does the OP need to 'let go'?

Allthewaves · 01/09/2017 13:50

I'd just tell him he welcome to come and don't say anything else. If u have contact details for his family I'd contact them and tell them the time and place and ds would love to see them as it's about ds and giving him a great party. Ignore ex

mummmy2017 · 01/09/2017 13:55

She needs to let go of thinking for her ex.
It took me ages to realize how I view the children and how he views the children are different.
Men sometimes don't see how important we think attending all the school things and showing up is, also if children are having a good time they don't care if their dad is there or not.
My dad never came to a single Birthday party, or school event as he worked, and I knew he loved me so it wasn't made into something big and important that might ruin my life.
But now it's as if the dad is committing so sort of crime by not being present, sorry if you flame me for it.
The OP and the Dad are divorced, and yet she is cross he has decided not to go to his sons party, that will be all his school friends and their mums, I would love to know just how many dads arrive and stay at the party, as men in general are not interested.. so let it go have a good party and enjoy your son's Birthday.

Original poster
exisaknob · 01/09/2017 14:19

Most parties there are quite a number of dads. As DS is there weekends he actually goes to more with dad than me.

It's fine though. I'm Angry but I will get over it and carry on with party. Will just pop invites in DS bag addressed to family and see what happens - that way I have invited but he has to pass invites on or bin them

OP posts:
NC4now · 01/09/2017 14:23

We've always done separate birthday celebrations. It goes back to the difficult first few years. It would have been unfair for our troubles to overshadow their birthday parties, and while we could try to hide it, it was always easier to not.
The kids were never bothered. What kid minds two lots of everything?

KarateKitten · 01/09/2017 14:24

OP, I think that's the right approach.

NC4now · 01/09/2017 14:29

X-posted. Yes, good approach.

mummmy2017 · 01/09/2017 14:29

exisaknob, the invites in the bag is a great idea.

I know your cross with him, just glad you've got a great head on them shoulders...Wine

timeisnotaline · 01/09/2017 14:46

It's not like he's being asked to a dinner party with his ex wife's new partner. He found her on a dating site so he is fine with him looking up women , just the woman he split up from 4odd years ago isn't allowed to .. or he will punish his child. I'd say 'I can't make you do anything, I obviously have no desire to hang out with you and assume you were attending your son's party for your son's sake.' And see if he thinks ha she doesn't want me there so I'll go!!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 01/09/2017 14:52

Is this your DS's 5th birthday then? Im guessing about to start school.

Next year, make sure it's a school friends only party, not something for your family and friends. Invite your ExH and if wants to go, but don't mention to DS.

(For keeping costs down, it's worth finding out if any other children in the class have a birthday close to your DS's so you can do joint parties, this also means you can normally keep it to just classmates)

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