To think you don't refuse to attend your DC birthday party

[exisaknob]

DS is having a birthday party soon - he's very excited as he's never had one he can remember, it will be in a hall, family and friends and school friends

ExDH (his father) has fallen out with me. I try not to engage much as he's always looking for a row with me but my family are still friendly enough (he's my DS father after all)

I told him at the time I was going to organise the party what my plans were, we agreed I would fund party and he would fund presents this year and both would be from "mum and dad" iyswim but I'd concentrate on the party and he'd concentrate on the birthday list.

Both of us have had financial difficulties recently so it's a case of scrimping and saving and was a way we could manage it. I don't live in a property where we could have a few school friends home for a party. Anyhow I said to ExDH "invite whoever you like from your family and friends, just let me know on numbers in advance" because obviously I didn't want him to feel it was all "my" thing and a spare part

Anyways - he's decided he won't come because he doesn't like me currently because of him finding out that a year on from our divorce starting/4 years on from our split - I started dating.

AIBU in thinking you just suck that up for your excited 5 year old for 2 hours?

It's not even like we'd have time to talk to each other, we'd just be in the same room... for DS. He knows plenty of other parents and people know we aren't together. I can't see how it's any more awkward than a school play etc and there's no new DP going to be there to handle. There's no Jeremy Kyle stuff, our families and friends manage fine to interact.

DS has been told for weeks he would be there, now he's decided he won't be...

☎️ 1950's calling, looking for Mummy2017

He is being a monumental twat.

Like you say, if he wasn't looking at a dating site himself he wouldn't have seen you & so what anyway? Plenty of time since you separated, how the hell long did he think you'd stay single for? It's not even like you'll have a new partner at the party.

HE AGREED to jointly host the birthday party & share giving presents, it doesn't matter if that's 'the norm or not' it's what HE agreed to. Pretty much irrespective of what you've done, that's what should happen.

Most importantly, this is his sons Birthday Party & he told him he'd be there. I don't give a flying fuck how pissed off with you he is, he needs to grow the fuck up and be there, with a smile on, for his DS.

I'd tell him once that I don't give a crap if he's there or not, but his son will & so if he's not going to come he needs to tell his son himself that he won't be coming.

Bloody twat.

Oh & if you think your DS would like to have his GP's/Aunties & Uncles/ Cousins etc there then follow up the invites with a phone call. They are your DS's family, you have every right to invite them on your DS's behalf.

Did I mention he's a twat?

...and next year, if you want another family & friends party, have one! It's not for anyone else to tell you not to.

Are you sure it isn't an excuse to avoid paying out for presents from you?

In future, make sure he pays half of the party up front. Or just don't invite him at all.

AnnieAnoniMouse This isn't how I feel but does seem to be the attitude of the father, why is it wrong to say some blokes just don't find a party for a 5 years floats their boat.

No two people are the same, so do you think all dad should be forced to attend their children parties to be PC. People are allowed to say no without it causing permanent harm to their children,

Cos us mums think kids parties are exactly how we want to spend our Saturdays!!

Love the idea dads get to pick and chose the bits of parenting that float their boat and us mums pick up the rest.

Do me a favour.

The thing is I wander if the ex was just paying lip service about the party has not brought anything and has just found the perfect excuse to make sure all the attention is on him and you can take the blame

And if he does turn up he'll be saving the day with your nerves shot to shit, like a "glory hunter" glides in at the last minute and takes all the credit.

Unfortunately non of this is about your DS

why is it wrong to say some blokes just don't find a party for a 5 years floats their boat.

I guess that factually it's not wrong, but it also doesn't mean that they don't get to attend their own son's birthday party when they originally agreed to and their son is expecting them there.

5 year old's birthday party's certainly don't float my boat either, but guess what? I sucked it up for the kids. Why should men not do the same?

I have one mum friend who hates them, I mean hates the noisy, the screaming of kids, the mess and she pays my DD to take her child and picks them up later.
Someone who will sit and is unhappy at a party is someone I would rather not be there, The Dad can't cope with the Mum dating.
Also after you divorce there will always be one person who finds it harder, but your saying force him to go, well I bet he doesn't and if the OP keeps thinking he should go , the only person unhappy will her and her son if she makes a big thing of it.
Why is it so hard to just accept and let it go.

"I don't like it that the woman I chose to divorce after years of seperation is also moving on as am I. She hasn't got a new partner yet but she's looking.

WIBU to not attend my DS party I have told him I would be at for weeks because of this?"

Just let it go. Pffft

The cynic in me thinks this has nothing to do with you dating,and all with him not being arsed to save for the presents.

P.s. I fucking loathe bday parties.

Regardless of his reasons if he was going to feel uncomfortable at the party then its better he is not there. Kids are very good at picking up on underlying emotions.

As others have said its pretty normal for separated parents to do separate birthday things for good reasons. Its best you just keep it that way in future, otherwise its just confusing for children.

@Fresh8008 why would he feel uncomfortable?

And why so all of the sudden,after everything was planned,and the 5yo was told and now he's excitedly waiting for his dad to be there?

I would definitely invite his family. Your child would love it if more of his family came and he would just look like an idiot for not inviting them/not turning up.

mommy2017 I don't think most adults like a room full of hyper children but there are lots of things we do for the benefit of our children that we would rather not do.

Oh just let him duck out, your 5yo won't care and it's best not to have the big black cloud there.

My ex was actually at our house and refused to come to DDs 6th birthday party in the hall next door because he didn't fee comfortable near my family. They have never said boo to him he's just a selfish arse who doesn't put his kids first.

Of course yanbu but thats because you put your childs needs first. He doesnt, and thats why he is your ex.

DS does care. He's been really excited and it's all he talks about currently.

There's no hiding if his dad isn't there...

I will get over it. DS will remember daddy saying he would and then not doing so.

Exisaknob I am not putting this on you, your a great mum, putting your child first.
I am sorry your EX IS A KNOB. but from your name you know that already. Hope the party is amazing.

Will just pop invites in DS bag addressed to family and see what happens
I think you should invite them direct, they're you DSs family, its not up to your ex really whether they can come. You may look unfriendly if he doesn't pass invites on.
Otherwise, please try to make the best of it for your DS rather than spend any more time feeling bad over his dads choice. Explain that daddy can't come now, but tell him when he will be seeing daddy instead, help him deal with it so it doesn't spoilt things. Personally I'd get a small cheap cake and send it with him next time he sees his dad, so there's a little celebration even if the louse doesn't think to do much - DS has plenty of time to realise his dads not so great when he's older.

My ex never attended my DCs parties - I even got him to bring them from his time with them a couple of times, and he still left quickly! People asked why and said it was strange, and I said I didn't know why, but the DCs were only disappointed for about 2 mins and then enjoyed the party - we adults fret more than they do about what it means.
I'm not saying what he's doing is fine, its lousy, but try to let it go and put your energy into giving your DS the best outcome you can.

I also think you should invite his family directly. If you put invites in the bag he may not give them out, and then his family might wonder why you didn't invite them.