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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not sending dc to nursery when he turns 3

93 replies

NotAnotherUserName5 · 01/09/2017 08:13

No big reason for not sending him really. I'd just like to take him for days out to farm parks, beaches, mother and toddler groups etc.

The nursery he would be going to would mean we couldn't do any of these things anymore, as everything's a good half hours drive away (rural) and I have older dcs to collect at 3pm. Set over 5 days, the sessions would mean I'd be stuck at home with my new baby.

I had this scenario when my older dc went to nursery and I got very withdrawn at being stuck at home with the baby.

Family all think I'm holding my dc back/mad for considering this.

AIBU?

OP posts:

LittleRen · 01/09/2017 09:39

Also our pre school was pretty relaxed about our little boy not going to sessions - we signed him up for a full day Monday but he didn't actually start to use the full day until Feb/March, they/we didn't lose the funding... but we did discuss it with them as we knew he wouldn't be ready for a full day for a while. If he couldn't go (which was a lot at first due to so many tears) again they were fine with it... as long as we let them know. The only time they had a problem was when I forgot to tell them he wouldn't be there - purely because they would wait for all the children before they went out to play. I am surprised yours is being so inflexible about sessions really. I agree on finding somewhere else to do a few half days.

metalmum15 · 01/09/2017 09:40

These people spending blissful sociable days with their toddlers must have very different children to mine!
My youngest was a dream at 3/4, my little buddy, we did loads of things together, days out, seeing friends, softplay, shopping trips with cake. I really missed her when she started school. Now she's a stroppy pre-teen who'd rather be shut in her room and won't go out for cake unless that particular place sells vanilla milkshake 😉

GoodMorning1 · 01/09/2017 09:43

Also, I send mine because I work part time and because she's loved nursery since day one (feel we've been lucky!) But I know plenty of kids and teenagers who never went to nursery and had no problems at school whatsoever. So long as you're doing interesting stuff with your child and they're stimulated and happy I wouldn't feel obliged to send them if you don't want to. There isn't a right answer - all families are different.

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2017 09:44

Op, do you have any friends, any interests outside your children? And if not could you develop some, something where you could bring your baby?

uglyflowers · 01/09/2017 09:49

Nursery is childcare. If you take your child to groups to play with other children then what they will get from you will be far superior to a group experience. One to one is best for young children.
I didn't send my eldest to nursery and he walked into school on his first day quite happily. He could read, chat to anyone as we were always out and about and was an independent, happy chap.
I also had a new baby when I could have sent my eldest to nursery but I felt that I needed that year for them to bond as siblings and for my eldest to not feel rejected.

GoldenPlatitudes · 01/09/2017 09:50

My DD hated her nursery, cried every morning and didn't want to go, so I made the decision to withdraw her. I didn't see the need for her being so unhappy at such a young age.

She started primary school the next year no problem and settled in well. She couldn't really read or write when she started, but with a couple of months was in the top groups in her class.

It's maybe the old hippy in me, but I don't see the need to have them in such a structured setting at such a young age. They have the rest of their lives for all of that, spend time together and enjoy yourselves :)

ZippyCameBack · 01/09/2017 10:01

Mine were a very mixed bunch- some really benefited from nursery and some didn't. One had to be taken out because it was actively harming him (bad nursery though, rather than generally being unsuited).
Does he have to start now, or could it be closer to the time he starts school? A few months would surely be enough, it doesn't have to be the whole year (if a part year is possible). that way you'd have to time together and be able to feel more settled after the very early baby days, but he would have time to get used to the school-like environment.
I'm surprised to hear that some kids start school without being able to feel themselves- I'd have thought that was more a poor parenting issue than a lack of nursery. Because (SN excepted) I'd have expected parents to make sure their children could manage to feed themselves by that age, as a basic life skill.

lornathewizzard · 01/09/2017 10:22

To PPs who have said nursery is just childcare this really isn't the case. Early years curriculum needs to be adhered to and has a proven benefit, especially for potentially disadvantaged kids.

OP I think an important thing to consider is nursery (private or school) will allow DC to be comfortable away from you. Which will suddenly become very important when school comes around. They get to interact with other kids and play for a few hours - where's the harm! And your baby will benefit from the extra time too, you really don't need to be stuck in with them.

And remember you'll have holidays / weekends for exciting day trips. But defo look for a private nursery that will let you use hours differently if it helps

BackforGood · 01/09/2017 10:33

I think if you have a new baby, then it's really nice for the 3 yr old to be able to go and do some stuff with children their own age. I don't understand why you think it will stop you going out for days though - it doesn't matter if they miss a Nursery session to go out for the day.

Ttbb · 01/09/2017 11:16

Provided that it won't impact your ability to get him a place at school I wouldn't worry about it. The only reason we are sending ours is to help him secure a place at 4 at the only decent prep school in our area.

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2017 11:20

One to one is best for young children

Do you have something to back this up? Plenty of studies show the benefits of early socialisation, and no one has said their way is " best" other than you.

Sure there is benefits to staying home, there is benefits to nursery, deciding your way is best for all children is somethjng I think you need to back up.

minipie · 01/09/2017 11:29

Sorry I'm repeating myself but what do you think he would enjoy most? Your OP kinda comes across as wanting to keep him home for your benefit but obviously the main thing is what's best for him.

If he's a social and independent type of child I would imagine he might prefer being at nursery in the mornings to hanging out with you and newborn, especially as you are likely to be tired and dealing with feeding/nappies/naptimes a lot of the time. (Remember you will still have afternoons with him). However if he is quieter and more of a homebody or very attached to you he might prefer to be at home. What's he like?

Oops4 · 01/09/2017 12:00

The nursery may ask that you use his allocation of hours over five days but you don't have to use all his hours. You can chose to only send him 2 or 3 if the day, you just won't get his full allocation.

TheFirstMrsDV · 01/09/2017 16:17

I have worked in child development for years. It is my specialism.
Your child will not suffer if they don't go to nursery.
I would recommend going to playgroups to help them develop social skills, eating out to help learn how to eat in company and pay attention to toilet skills because these are the areas that can be a bit of a surprise when they start nursery.
Its a good idea to get them used to being away from you before you send them to school. Its pretty unfair not to do that.

You can help them develop the skills they need to start school without sending them to nursery.

I need to point out that all of my five DC went to nursery for practical reasons so I am not anti nursery at all.

I have noticed a trend to 'compulsory' nursery because of the free hours at 3 years. Its seen as something you have to do. Now there are free hours for 2 year olds I can see it going the same way for very young children.

Its perfectly fine NOT to send your DCS to nursery and nursery doesn't suit some children at all.

Bananamama1213 · 01/09/2017 17:09

Nursery didn't work for us when DD was 3. We tried for a week but it clearly clearly wasn't for her.

So we chose a preschool instead where she could go two days a week, and then upped it to three.

She is starting full time school next week and I'm glad she had preschool as one of her friends is starting with her.

If your child is confident around children then I don't see a problem. My DD isn't so definitely needed the extra help.

Crunchymum · 01/09/2017 17:12

Mine won't be going until she is 3.9.

Logistics (older DC school and work) means we can only do the one drop off and pick up. Younger DC will get a full time place the September after she turns 3 at preschool attached to older DC school, so we'll wait for that.

Crunchymum · 01/09/2017 17:13

Full time place will be worked up to. DC won't just go from being at home to full time 5 days per week.

AnneGrommit · 01/09/2017 17:23

Do what works best for your family, OP.

I never understand this argument about nursery being useful for preparing them to be separated from you at school. They still have to make that transition to not be with you; whether they go through it at three or at five, does it really make a difference? As in, do they benefit just by going through it at a younger age?

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