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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DS can walk in pjs in the evening?

104 replies

pjdrama · 31/08/2017 21:29

DS (4) goes to his dads every weekend at 7.30pm

His bedtime at home is 7.30-8.00

I therefore have been sending him ready for bed in pjs when his dad collects him. It's a 20 min walk.

Receieved a text stating "it's unacceptable, it's not the 80's, I'm fuming when people sneer at him" etc along with a long list of instructions as to suitable attire and a demand I pay cab fare if he's already in his pjs

AIBU to have thought I was doing a favour having him ready for bed?!

OP posts:

TheAntiBoop · 31/08/2017 23:11

Could you let ds in and tell ex firmly at the door that you will return his clothes in the back pack at next pick up just as he does as it is confusing for ds

Original poster

pjdrama · 31/08/2017 23:11

Have also offered to collect... before that's picked up on. Never been allowed.

My ex is batshit. He's also a fairly good dad though aside from being batshit thankfully. DS is happy

OP posts:

Original poster

pjdrama · 31/08/2017 23:14

Could you let ds in and tell ex firmly at the door that you will return his clothes in the back pack at next pick up just as he does as it is confusing for ds

I could try... don't really get a chance though. He's already been instructed before I open the door.

OP posts:

TormundsGingerBeard · 31/08/2017 23:18

That's so weird that he makes your son change and hand back his clothes when he comes back!

Yes it does seem odd, but maybe he thinks the OP won't return the expensive clothes he's bought. It doesn't sound like he and the OP have the most positive relationship tbh

@OP - I'd send him in his pj top and jacket but wearing trackie bottoms.

Hopefully that will cover all bases - a semi wind-down ready for bed, no pj bottoms on show in public (ooh the shame!) and ex gets to do some part of the bedtime routine by getting him into 'full' nightwear.

Fudgit · 31/08/2017 23:18

I would really strongly put your foot down on him having to change out of his clothes and give them back to his dad. There's something horrible about that, to me anyway.

Viviennemary · 31/08/2017 23:21

Don't think kids should be walking for 20 mins in their pjs. Car journey fine. But it's summer and I don't suppose any harm will be done. I agree if he doesn't want him to wear pyjamas then he'll have to pick him up earlier.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/08/2017 23:22

Unless your ex makes DS strip off in the entry while he waits, I'd simply tell him that the clothes will be returned next weekend and shut the door. Let DS carry on changing in the bedroom/bathrom, take the clothes and say calmly "Daddy has gone home. I told him that we'll put these away and you will return them next weekend".

And don't you dare wash them!!!

Original poster

pjdrama · 31/08/2017 23:25

Yup, he waits.

No not the best relationship. I try to keep it non existent bar basic communication re DS and polite at the door but now and then get paragraphs upon paragraphs of texts venting about one thing or another

Got to the point I told the school to please make sure every single communication is sent to us both so I don't have to pass on anything

OP posts:

pp2017 · 31/08/2017 23:27

This feels like a passive aggressive way of sending a message to your ex that you know he lets DS stay up late when they get to his and you are not happy about it......

and it sounds like he's on to you.....

GreenTulips · 31/08/2017 23:28

I wouldn't want the kids dragging outside dirt and germs into their beds! There's a reason bed bugs are making a huge comeback.

Just send him in clothes he's big enough to realize it's bedtime

Original poster

pjdrama · 31/08/2017 23:32

No, he's welcome to let him stay up as late as he likes!

Just don't text me or call me to persuade him to go to bed...

(Yes, that's happened)

Ah well. I shall do as he asks and ignore any moaning or requests for help. DS isn't even hard work... but exDH gets a bit easily stressed.

OP posts:

scallopsrgreat · 31/08/2017 23:53

This isn't really about PJs though is it? This is about the long lecture received (and from the sounds of it not for the first time) via text from someone who likes the sound of their own voice and is not a little controlling.

Suitable attire? I'd be tempted to tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine. However as you probably need to maintain some facade of a working relationship, don't bother responding. Do what you feel is appropriate for next time.

As an aside why does he go to his Dads every weekend? When do you get to spend the weekend/a good chunk of quality time with him?

MiniMum97 · 31/08/2017 23:54

I love these threads. Brings out the clothes nazis. Who decides that pyjamas are for inside only but a tracksuit, that's ok outside. What about tshirt and leggings? What about "lounge wear"? Are pyjamas ok for the garden? Gosh these rules we must all follow could all get really complicated!!!!!
It really doesn't matter what people choose to wear inside or outside. Particularly a 4 yr old! It's certainly not something to get judgy about.

And those folk who think it is unhygienic to wear pyjamas outside. WTAF! I love a bit of hygiene me, but I cannot see how wearing pyjamas outside is unhygienic. Do you antibac your bed!?!?!

AuntMatilda · 01/09/2017 00:00

Put him in some baggy clothes with pj's on underneath :)
Agree about the clothes rules thing. It canget so complex!

AcrossthePond55 · 01/09/2017 00:15

Well, if the relationship between you is 'tense', I guess it's a case of pick your battles. I probably would just give him the damn clothes and not send DS in his PJs. Probably not worth the hassle. And it'd probably bother him more if you gave him a look of , shrugged, and said 'Whatever makes you happy' with the proverbial 'tinkly little laugh'.

Of course, if it's a situation where he's now 'pushing' to see how far he can get in starting to boss you around then it may be worth the 'push back'.

GreenTulips · 01/09/2017 00:16

but I cannot see how wearing pyjamas outside is unhygienic.

Because you youbare dragging germs frim outside into your nive warm bed to breed

shrunkenhead · 01/09/2017 00:52

When my dd was 5/6 we had to catch a bus home from swimming lessons and it made more sense (as it wss 7pm bedtime
When we got home)to put her in her pjs after showering (than back in her dirty clothes!). No one ever asked if we were stuck in the 80s!

Hasthebellgone · 01/09/2017 01:09

5 min walk yes 20 min no- does DS not feel embarrassed/cold?

Original poster

pjdrama · 01/09/2017 01:37

He goes because he works full time. I don't so I have him during the week. I get to have him in holidays also and on request if I have a family occasion etc - works fine for me, I get time for myself too at the weekend

No DS isn't embarrassed, he's happy to be a storm trooper, monkey or whatever else in public. Pjs have favourite characters on so he's equally quite happy.

OP posts:

Original poster

pjdrama · 01/09/2017 01:40

Also he's not cold... there's always a cardigan/light jacket/body warmer etc over them plus socks/shoes. When it's colder they're thicker (onesie fleece) plus coat and snow boots

It's not like I'm sending him out to freeze... he's weather appropriate even in pjs

OP posts:

WivJammin · 01/09/2017 07:45

'demand I pay cab fare if he's already in his pjs'

I can't get over this bit tbh, why can't he pay for a cab if he is that worried?

shrunkenhead · 01/09/2017 08:13

Who sneers at a 4 year old in pjs at bedtime anyway?!

Mij · 01/09/2017 08:23

PMSL at people saying getting ready for bed is quick. They never met my DCs at that age or even now - pjs is a 30min job minimum

I think YANBU to do it - you thought it was helpful - but in a 'pick your battles' sense if your ex has an issue then it's sensible to stop.

I regularly took DD2 in her pjs to collect DD1 from a club that finished right on bedtime, and I wasn't the only one. No-one batted an eyelid.

Mij · 01/09/2017 08:27

GreenTulips bed bugs feed on blood, nothing to do with 'outside dirt and germs'.

Italiangreyhound · 01/09/2017 11:10

If your ex wants the clothes back I'd suggest you send him in clean clothes, he changes into pjs at ex's and then when he comes back to you he is wearing the clothes you sent him in.

It seems like it might be psychologically quite harmful for him to have a feeling that his dad doesn't allow him to leave any of 'dad's' clothes at mum's house, I'm the long run. It certainly shows you and ex are at odds..

It sounds to me like the clothes are a battle ground, perhaps unintentuanlly. If they have become a battle ground, your son will be the one injured.

Can you find the best way(face to face, email. Phone) to discuss this.could you meet for a coffee on neutral ground. Apologise for any problems caused by the PhD issue (NOT grovel) just say you hadn't't realised there are issues. Then explain about any issues around clothes. it does seem right he washes 'his' clothes and you 'your' ones (if things were better between you it could be different).

Only you know what he I'd like. if he is a horrible shot who will use this against you then don't engage, just stop pj walking.

A word of caution, the teenage Yeats are pretty bloody awful nd seem to start at around age 10. It will be in both your interests to support and back each other, reinforce rules together, which needs communication. I hope your ec will come to see this otherwise your son is going to end potentially playing you off against each other!

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