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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Au pair coming to dinner

65 replies

TigerLeo · 31/08/2017 19:30

Have invited a few friends to dinner on Fri and also invited my SIL (husband's sister) and her two children (cousins to my 13 yr old DD). She texted to say she was working late but would send her 15 and 9 yr old with her new au pair whom I have not yet met. AIBU to not to want to have to look after a young woman who does not speak English too well all night. I just want to relax and talk to my friends. Husband doesn't think it's a problem but I know it will be me who has to make the effort with her and I'm just not in the mood at the mo' - especially as my mother (who has breast cancer) will also be there and I want to concentrate on looking after her.

OP posts:

NoCapes · 31/08/2017 19:33

Tell her no you don't want a stranger there, very odd that she would just assume this is ok

OnlyRose · 31/08/2017 19:33

YABU and a bit mean. How many guests are coming? I'm sure some of the others will be happy to chat to her. Au pairs are meant to be part of the family!

Lalalandfill · 31/08/2017 19:34

I'm with you - what's in it for the 15 and 9 year old, anyway? Say it's an adult gathering and your dd would love to see her cousins another time soon.

Daydreamerbynight · 31/08/2017 19:36

Yeah, the SIL's family, not the OP's!

YANBU, I wouldn't invite a stranger to my house for dinner myself, let alone one being imposed on me.

Heratnumber7 · 31/08/2017 19:36

She will see the AP as part of her family, almost like a grown up child. Our APs used to come with us everywhere.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 31/08/2017 19:38

OnlyRose yes, they are supposed to be part of the host family, but not to the extent that the host family's friends and family need to treat them as such!

OP I've been an au pair and I would find this weird. YANBU to tell your SIL it's not appropriate to send her au pair, I'm sure she (the au pair) would rather that than arrive somewhere she'd be out of place.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 31/08/2017 19:38

Could the aupair just drop the kids at yours and Sil pick them up after work?

pigsDOfly · 31/08/2017 19:41

So she's sending the au pair instead of coming herself? No. Definitely not on.

If SIL was coming too that would be different and it would be quite a nice idea to bring the au pair given that she's supposed to be treated like a daughter of the family.

Sending her with the children as a sort of low budget nanny is unfair to you and to the poor au pair who will know no one and will probably sit there all evening unable to talk to anyone.

Not sure who I feel more sorry for you, or the au pair.

Definitely tell her it's not happening.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2017 19:42

I understand how you feel, but do you really think having her there will be THAT taxing? Surely, she's an adult, so it's not as if you have to look after her, and I'm sure she's fully capable of talking to your other guests. Perhaps she and the boys could hang out in another room and watch a movie? I can't imagine the boys will be very interested to hang around the grown ups, anyway.

grandOlejukeofYork · 31/08/2017 19:46

She texted to say she was working late but would send her 15 and 9 yr old with her new au pair whom I have not yet met
Tell her no, simple as that. The invite was not for the au pair

She will see the AP as part of her family, almost like a grown up child. Our APs used to come with us everywhere

So what? Even you replace "au pair" with "oldest child" it would be equally odd and rude to send her in place of the actually invited person to a dinner.

Ttbb · 31/08/2017 19:47

She's not there to be your guest, she's there to take care of the children. You have no obligation to 'take care' of her.

MsJolly · 31/08/2017 19:47

She's an adult yes but someone with a poor grasp of English who will know no one else at a dinner party! Completely inappropriate-your SIL is just seeking to get rid of her and her kids for the evening at your expense-tell tour SIL it's not appropriate.

JoJoSM2 · 31/08/2017 19:56

I think that SiL can't make it but doesn't want her children to miss out on seeIng the family. They can't come on their own... I wouldn't be bothered. She'll probably spend most of the time with children. However, if you desperately don't want her there, just say that to your SiL.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 31/08/2017 20:03

Some people are being ridiculous!

It's an adult event, with cousins also invited as their Mum was invited. It's not for the children.

Text dense SIL back (and resist the urge to tell her not to be so rude & ridiculous!) and say something like 'Oh it's a shame you can't make it as I was looking forward to seeing you. It's not an evening for the children, so no need to get your AP to bring them, we will just rearrange when you are free'.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 31/08/2017 20:05

Not to mention the whole evening will be uncomfortable for the Au Pair.

sonjadog · 31/08/2017 20:06

Maybe she thought it would be nice for the au pair to get out and meet some new people?

Beadieeye · 31/08/2017 20:09

It does seem a bit odd.
I wouldn't worry about the language barrier, though. Just be polite and speak as you usually would, she's learning.

zzzzz · 31/08/2017 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beadieeye · 31/08/2017 20:12

Scratch that, I wouldn't have assumed the au pair was staying, given what was said. I'd have assumed she was fetching the children.

MsJudgemental · 31/08/2017 20:15

Why does the 15-year-old need an au pair? Can't they look after their younger sibling? Do they even want to come? I don't blame you not wanting to entertain a stranger without your SIL being there.

grandOlejukeofYork · 31/08/2017 20:15

Maybe she thought it would be nice for the au pair to get out and meet some new people?

People who haven't invited her, don't know her and are decades older than her? Does that sound fun for the au pair to you?

Viviennemary · 31/08/2017 20:17

I can see your point. But the au pair is meant to be treated as part of the family. If you're not happy tell them the whole thing is off. Your SIL is cheeky coming late.

MarcyMercy · 31/08/2017 20:17

What if new Au pair is blonde, Swedish, a dish, and a size zero with humungous boobies.

Could be offputting for everyone. But maybe not for all, wink!

I would say a definite NO. Mums come first, especially yours at this time.

Willow2017 · 31/08/2017 20:17

Since when did an 9yr old and a 15yr old need looking after when visiting family?
The aim pair doesnt have to be there at all she can drop them off and sil can come later.

It's sil auto pair not ops. She doesnt want a relative stranger there when her mum is ill to hear personal stuff.
Alternatively say you will arrange a meet up with her some other time.

Just tell her no au pair

Mittens1969 · 31/08/2017 20:21

I agree that it's ridiculous, since the older child is 15 and doesn't need the au pair to come with them. And I agree that it won't be much fun for the au pair, when growing up I used to with families in France and Switzerland to improve my French and being among a crowd of people you don't know and can't understand is no fun at all; even with a little of the language you can't understand a word of what people are saying.

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