Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry, DH and DD bedtime

55 replies

ilovecookies123 · 31/08/2017 03:40

I'm so angry I'm shaking but this could be because it's the middle of the night and everything always seems worse so please help me put this in perspective if I'm completely overreacting.

DD4 was a nightmare with during the nights up until 3months ago, she would wake up in the middle of the night anywhere between 12 and 4 and I won't lie somewhere along the line we got lazy and tired and just started picking her up and putting her in our bed. This wasn't so bad when it was 4 as we were only in bed for a couple more hours but then over time it got earlier and earlier. So I then put my door down and said enough and spent nights upon nights getting her to go back to sleep in her own bed, I was having to sit with her but it didn't take longer than 10ish minutes after a few days and it was also only happening every maybe 10days once she got the hang of it so it was really good.

Twoish weeks ago DH had some time off work and she woke up one night, as he didn't have work the next day he got up to see to her and decided to lay down with her... two weeks later she is now waking up every one or two days, only wants to be cuddled back to sleep and literally can take hours to fall back to a proper sleep, sometimes she's waking twice like tonight. I point blank refuse to lay down with her but also I refuse to sit on her bed watching her. It's become absolute mayhem and I am absolutely fucking livid with him for creating this and not thinking it's a problem. Tonight she woke at 12, he went in. She woke again at 2:15 I went in, refused to lay down and spent the next hour up and down with her and in the end she starts fully screaming for him. He comes in and we have an argument because I had been telling her no one is going to lay down with you and I know what he will do. He tells me to go to bed and he will deal with her but all he's doing now is laying down with her, is ridiculous and I'm so upset that I've watched her cry for an hour and told her I'm not and he's not laying down with her and there he is giving in ms doing it. So angry right now, AIBU?

OP posts:
sebumfillaments · 31/08/2017 03:46

YANBU, but, you're also not alone! Blush I'm up because my DH is in the spare bed WITH one of our kids, and the other THREE are in my lovely giant bed, fast asleep whilst I'm at the foot of the bed on a bloody trundle. Not one will sleep alone and I have given up fighting about it. I'm working on the basis that they won't always be like this. The eldest is nine.Shock and won't fall asleep with out me and then the others pile in.

I've no solution for you! I'm about to get up for a wee and a cup of herb tea, shall I make you one? Brew

Fudgit · 31/08/2017 03:47

I think YABU, yesConfused. Obviously you need to find your way back to a better routine but children go through phases. After she'd been awake for an hour I can understand why he's doing what works. It's not all night every night, I think you're seriously overreacting even taking tiredness into account to be honest!

Original poster
ilovecookies123 · 31/08/2017 03:52

God thank you, you have both calmed me down. Normally we go by the rule that you have to ignore everything that happens after 2am with children but I'm so upset at him. If he had just followed my rules in the first place we wouldn't be here (I know how stupid that sounds) and I feel like a horrid mummy for telling her that no one is laying down with her, watching her cry and then he just comes in and climbs in with her. He just wants the easy life but long term we're creating another bad situation.

OP posts:
Hmmalittlefishy · 31/08/2017 03:55

I think you need to try to get any sleep you can tonight and tomorrow during the day discuss with dh the strategy for night time waking. You both need to be on the same page and stick to it. But the middle of the night isn't the time to try to work it out. Hope you sleep soon

Fudgit · 31/08/2017 04:01

Sorry, I probably sounded a bit bitchy. You're tired and frustrated. I'm sometimes the good cop parent because I feel my DS' dad isn't adaptable enough in his approach and will let things get quite distressing at times. It's difficult because I don't want to undermine him but we have different parenting styles in some ways so I understand the friction it can cause at times (from another perspective obviously). The thing is with parenting you're always making it up as you go along a bit aren't you? it's difficult finding a balance between being firm and consistent and those times when everyone's at the end of their tether and you just have to let it go a bit. She won't think you're a horrid mummy at all.

Myhomeismycastle · 31/08/2017 04:01

I'm with you OP, YANBU! If something's working you keep to it. My DD almost 3 wakes randomly crying every now & then, quick cuddle so she knows I'm there & she's back to sleep. It's so frustrating that we work hard to implement structure & routine & they just crap all over it Hmm

Actually I may not be the best person to give advice tonight. 3rd time wake up with DS 6 months (not quick wake ups either Confused) & am thinking I haven't had a lie in for 6 months!! Not bloody one Angry that's going to change

Original poster
ilovecookies123 · 31/08/2017 04:09

Thank you all so much, this is what's great about MN, 4:00am and I'm receiving support!

I'm quietly happy that I've just heard him try and leave and she's not having it. He's completely brought this situation on himself! I'm very structured with routine, when I find a formula that works I don't dare deviate because I find that DD then takes advantage and he is a soft touch, I shouldn't have tried to discus it in the middle of the night I do know that, I was just so frustrated with the situation as I feel like we're normally completely on the same page but in this instance he's now created a bad situation and he is the only one who can really rectify it otherwise I will be waking him every single time she wakes. I don't see myself getting back to sleep now anyway as I'm wide awake although I've calmed down thanks to all of you.

OP posts:
7Coffees · 31/08/2017 04:23

We had this and it caused such frustration anger and resentment that we both gave up and let our dd into bed with us every night. Our reasoning being that she's small and wants/needs us.

Also we knew it wouldn't be forever....on her 6th birthday she got among other things...a stunning four poster bed and has slept in that every night since.

Fruitcorner123 · 31/08/2017 04:29

YANBU he is ruining a system that worked. Speak to him tomorrow and agree a system that you will both stick to going forward. If he refuses or gives in tell him he will be fully responsible for her at nighttime and you won't be getting up.

Original poster
ilovecookies123 · 31/08/2017 04:43

I've decided in my mind that tomorrow I will be telling him that the next night she wakes he will be dealing with it, if he stays firm and doesn't lay down I will support him and we can do it together and I will do majority as I only work a couple hours and he works FT but if he decides to lay down I will not be getting up at all and will wake him every single time if he doesn't hear her for as long as she is asking for it. I won't be the bad cop when we aren't sticking together it's not fair so I just will not get involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovecookies123 · 31/08/2017 04:45

7coffees this is exactly what happened with us, we just gave up fighting it, it seemed easier but im pregnant now and I never felt like I slept fully with her in our bed and it got worse and I started suffering from migraines from the lack of real sleep. I was also fed up of being woken every night to go get her to bring her in.

OP posts:
Hmmalittlefishy · 31/08/2017 06:10

That sounds like a good plan. Be careful you don't phrase it as 'if you do it MY way I will support you'.
DH and I have had many middle of the night disagreements about sleeping normally me saying 'I'll get up again shall I?!!' so I'm certainly no expert.

Hmmalittlefishy · 31/08/2017 06:12

You do need to try to sort it and get your dd to sleep /settle better before the new baby arrives as believe me it's so exhausting getting up to 2 in the night

mathanxiety · 31/08/2017 06:28

YANBU at all.

You need sleep. You are pregnant. Don't bother sleeping with one ear listening out for DD waking, and poking your DH to go and fix the problem his way. Make him take full responsibility for every aspect of curing DD's sleep issues.

Is there an airbed he could put on the landing for DH to sleep on so he can try his preferred method with DD? This is assuming his goal here is to get DD to sleep through the night and for him to move off the airbed and back to the bedroom.

Then you could buy industrial strength earplugs and a white noise machine, and leave him to it, with your door firmly shut.

LindyHemming · 31/08/2017 06:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StripeyDeckchair · 31/08/2017 06:54

Sleep deprivation has been used as form of torture and when it comes to children and sleep I have sometimes wondered WTF they are doing when they keep us awake all hours.

My eldest are twins so slept in the same room and never with us.
Not 3 & 4 were harder & wanted to come in with us at some time in the night occasionally but we never did it - neither of us could cope with the disruption & lack of sleep. The only exception was if one was ill one of us might take them into the spare room so at least one of us & the rest of the dcs had a reasonable nights sleep.

I've never been able to co sleep with my children, they might be small but they seem to effortlessly take up most of the bed and make loads of sleep noises that kept me awake.

EB123 · 31/08/2017 07:27

I think YABU, small children wake in the night and I could never leave my child crying for an hour and refuse to lay or cuddle them. It doesn't last forever, she will eventually start sleeping better. My 4 year old used to be a terrible sleeper, I have been there in the middle of the night (while pregnant too) and it is hard I know. I used to bring him into bed with me. Funnily enough mine got better when my youngest arrived, like a switch had flicked.

It sounds like you and DH thunk differently about this, both are valid so maybe sit and talk it out.

coconutpie · 31/08/2017 07:35

What age is DD?

Octopus37 · 31/08/2017 07:51

You have my sympathy, ours are 10 and 7 and still want someone to lie down with them at night. Also one of them wakes up from time to time, really thought they would be too old for this as well. I've got to the point where I resent musical beds and just want to sleep in my own bed with my husband. Sorry for grouchy tone, 7 year old had been up in the night last night for no good reason and I'm bog eyed tbh

EternalOptimistToo · 31/08/2017 07:57

I would let him deal with her all the time.
He obviously knows how to calm her down, doesn't he?

Have some sleep.
I suspect that he will get more and more tired and more and more pissed off and will then do something about it.

In effect, he is going through what you have gone through with her before. Giving in and staying with her. That is until you realise actually it's not such a nice way to do things, both for you/him or for her (disturbed sleep leading to tiredness etc..)

Ledkr · 31/08/2017 07:58

Can o recommend the little bed on the floor for now?
I told dd she could come in the night and quietly slide into it without waking us. At least we all sleep then.
My dh is just like yours so now ends up seeing to her pretty much every time!

BertrandRussell · 31/08/2017 08:02

How old is she?

And "Normally we go by the rule that you have to ignore everything that happens after 2am with children" Really?

TongueTwistered · 31/08/2017 08:03

You have my sympathy but I think YABU. And I say that as someone who got up at 2 because my 5 year old was scared, lay down with her, got up to head off my 7 year old 10 minutes later (DD woke him up) and then had my (single) bed invaded by said 7 year old at 4ish. It's dark, they're scared and want reassurance, no it's not ideal but I don't see another choice. My DD went through a phase at that kind of age where she woke almost every night, coincided with her imagination really taking off but in the night she couldn't tell me what the matter was. Turns out she was having nightmares.

I always try to go to them rather than letting them come to me so they don't disturb DH and so they know they should be spending the whole night in their own beds. It always works unless I fail to intercept DS before he gets into my bed as once he is, there is no way I can shift him. I figure it won't be forever and whilst it's shit on no sleep, I can't bring myself to leave them upset.

What do you do if your DD gets upset/scared during the day? Do you send her to her room by herself until she's not upset any more? Or do you give her a hug?

TongueTwistered · 31/08/2017 08:09

I assumed she is 4 Bertrand from OP's DD4 and leaving (watching??) a child to cry for an hour if you have 3 other DC sounds insane so assumes she is the first child. That sentence struck me too :(

SonicBoomBoom · 31/08/2017 08:17

Tongue and Bertrand, I think you have misunderstood what the OP meant by the 2am thing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread