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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry, DH and DD bedtime

55 replies

ilovecookies123 · 31/08/2017 03:40

I'm so angry I'm shaking but this could be because it's the middle of the night and everything always seems worse so please help me put this in perspective if I'm completely overreacting.

DD4 was a nightmare with during the nights up until 3months ago, she would wake up in the middle of the night anywhere between 12 and 4 and I won't lie somewhere along the line we got lazy and tired and just started picking her up and putting her in our bed. This wasn't so bad when it was 4 as we were only in bed for a couple more hours but then over time it got earlier and earlier. So I then put my door down and said enough and spent nights upon nights getting her to go back to sleep in her own bed, I was having to sit with her but it didn't take longer than 10ish minutes after a few days and it was also only happening every maybe 10days once she got the hang of it so it was really good.

Twoish weeks ago DH had some time off work and she woke up one night, as he didn't have work the next day he got up to see to her and decided to lay down with her... two weeks later she is now waking up every one or two days, only wants to be cuddled back to sleep and literally can take hours to fall back to a proper sleep, sometimes she's waking twice like tonight. I point blank refuse to lay down with her but also I refuse to sit on her bed watching her. It's become absolute mayhem and I am absolutely fucking livid with him for creating this and not thinking it's a problem. Tonight she woke at 12, he went in. She woke again at 2:15 I went in, refused to lay down and spent the next hour up and down with her and in the end she starts fully screaming for him. He comes in and we have an argument because I had been telling her no one is going to lay down with you and I know what he will do. He tells me to go to bed and he will deal with her but all he's doing now is laying down with her, is ridiculous and I'm so upset that I've watched her cry for an hour and told her I'm not and he's not laying down with her and there he is giving in ms doing it. So angry right now, AIBU?

OP posts:
7Coffees · 31/08/2017 08:21

I also think yabu. It's all a bit "your way or the highway" isn't it?

Daydreamerbynight · 31/08/2017 08:21

I've also misunderstood then. What does it mean?

BertrandRussell · 31/08/2017 08:24

Oh, I missed the 4.

Frankly, I am in the "most sleep for the most people" camp. The OP's situation sounds hideous, and I would infinitely rather lie down with a child or take her into my bed than have these appallingly disrupted nights for everyone. Nothing lasts for ever.

gamerwidow · 31/08/2017 08:24

Yabu but I understand why. Dd was a terrible sleeper she'd go through a few months of being good then she'd be back in our bed every night from midnight. Took her until about age 6 to properly grow out of it. Though I hated it at the time I miss finding her snuggled up to me now.
Chances are that your DH hasn't caused the latest issues if she's anything like my DD she would have had times of reverting back anyway.

BuckinhamL · 31/08/2017 08:31

How old is she? Our oldest went through phases (and still does very occasionally) of waking up very upset and confused, sometimes tearful. We thought it might be night terrors but it didn't seem to fit any description we read of that. Anyway, the only way I could definitely calm her down was to take her into the living room for a cuddle and sit on the couch with her until she settled and fell back to sleep. This went on for a while but eventually she stopped waking into the night a fell into a more settled pattern. I certainly wouldn't have paid attention to my OH if I'd been told not to do it, as I felt it was the best thing for her.

Textpectation · 31/08/2017 08:32

Op knows her DC well and the 2am thing is about stoping changing bed shenanigans.

AtlanticWaves · 31/08/2017 08:32

We have two very bad sleepers - DS1 (nearly 6) in particular is horrendous.

Over the years we have tried many many things (including a sleep consultant) with limited success.

Eventually we just gave in and I co-slept with DS2 in our bed and DH slept in DS1's room in a single bed originally intended for DS2!

After our holidays this year, where DS1 joined DH in bed every single night, and I got woken up by DS2 multiple times due to him rolling around, kicking me etc. i said stop. I've had enough.

I decided to bribe them.

I told them that we will NOT lie down with them to sleep. They go to sleep in their beds with me sitting in a chair in their room. When they wake in the night (frequent nightmares) I will go into them and comfort them but I will not lie down with them. And I will only wait 10 minutes for them to go to back to sleep. Any longer and they're on their own.

If they manage a night in their own bed without me lying with them the next morning I give them 10 cents. The plan is that after a week they can go and spend this money on sweets or chocolate.

We started it last Saturday and to my amazement it's working!!!

My nearly 6 year old has actually slept through all but one night. And the night he woke I didn't have to lie down with him. (this is a record for him)

My 3 year old still wakes once in the night and early in the morning but he positively tells me not to get in with him (he missed one payment because I had to get in with him - ever since he wants to be by himself).

At the weekend they'll be choosing some sweets/chocolate (something they never usually do). I know that 60 and 70 cents won't be enough for what they want but I am so chuffed with how it's working that I'll sub them.

TongueTwistered · 31/08/2017 08:33

Oh, sorry Sonic, I thought it meant that she would normally ignore everything that happens after 2am.

Booboostwo · 31/08/2017 08:33

None of this can be sorted at 4am, sleep deprivation makes everyone edgy and pissed off. Sit down after a strong cup of coffee and discuss this calmly.

As an outsider it does not sound like either of you had the sleep issue sorted. You are getting up too often and spending too long with a crying child. I would take the path of least resistance and let her sleep with you, she'll outgrow the need at some point.

Witsender · 31/08/2017 08:36

They do move out of this phase again. How old is she? I interpreted the 2-4 as a time thing.

Tbh it isn't your way or nothing. He has every right to choose his own path, if he is dealing with it.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 31/08/2017 08:36

I'm not really sure if YABU but I agree you need to be consistent.

But DH and I have always been if the theory that do what works so everyone sleeps. It won't last forever. I also couldn't ignore a crying child who needs comfort when small.

Once the dc were old enough to sleep on a mattress, we put a small one on the floor beside our bed with a pillow and duvet. Then, if they have a bad dream or just need us they can come and slip in beside us. As we're not in the same bed we all sleep and no crying.

They are now 5 and 8 and the night time movements are greatly reduced but they both have the odd occasion that they need it. Sometimes they don't even wake us!

I'd try and work out a compromise that works for both of you but also is the easiest. If this were me I'd let her sleep in with you beside your bed not in your bed.

gamerwidow · 31/08/2017 08:38

Forgot to say what finally worked was good old fashioned bribery. I promised her a specific toy she had been after if she could stay in bed all night for 30 days. We kept a chart and marked off the days every night. She resisted on the first 2 nights then managed the month and kept it up.

Textpectation · 31/08/2017 08:39

This was an absolute nightmare. The idea of waking at any given point, never sleeping a full night and no-one slept well all in together.

DS was in our room until he was one. After we had a settling in period, he most definitely slept better and for longer in his own room.

AmysTiara · 31/08/2017 08:39

Tonguetwister I don't want to speak for the op but i think she means they ignore arguments and disagreements after 2am as they're both tired and say stuff they don't mean rather than ignoring the child.

Textpectation · 31/08/2017 08:41

You're right in letting your DH deal with this problem (of his own making).

HiJenny35 · 31/08/2017 08:41

Why don't you just give her a cuddle or let her get into your bed, she's not going to be doing it when she's 17 so what's the biggie? She wants to be close to you and a bit of reassurance. Can't see the issue other than making it one, have a cuddle and go to sleep next to her, hardly the end of the world.

Ohmyfuck · 31/08/2017 08:43

YANBU

FindoGask · 31/08/2017 08:46

My daughter has been similar and to be honest I'm more of your DH's school of thought than yours. In our case it hasn't created any problems for the future. As she's got older (she's 7 now) her sleep has much improved and she only occasionally has bad nights. If she is having a bad night I'll still go in with her or she will come in with us. I'd rather she felt safe and secure than get into a protracted, increasingly hysterical, battle at 2am, waking up everyone in the house.

Textpectation · 31/08/2017 08:50

Rapid return after bedtime here. I'd be concerned about a four year old getting quality sleep. If all in together works that ok. It didn't work for us.

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/08/2017 09:06

I doubt he's caused it, her sleep is disturbed and she needs comfort - there's no way I could allow my child to cry for that length of time in the early hours of the morning. It sounds too much like a battle of wills and children will always win those IME.

Sit down and agree a way to tackle her sleep - that you can both live with. Parenting is so much about team work and you need to work together on this one. At the moment it sounds very much like he either does it your way or you withdraw your support - it may not be that his way is wrong, you just disagree with it and I think are working yourself into a bit of a state about it. Sleep deprivation is horrible and I get that you want her in a routine before new baby arrives but it would be worth finding a way you can both get on board with.

You being pregnant/new baby may increase her need for comfort or closeness in the middle of the night to reassure her that her needs still matter and that she hasn't been replaced etc. I feel for you but I think you're being unfair to both your DD and your DH.

AtlanticWaves · 31/08/2017 09:10

I just wanted to say that I totally understand your frustration OP, especially as you're pregnant.

DS1 was a terrible sleeper but I was determined not to co-sleep. When I got pregnant I said to DH that I couldn't cope with getting up 7-8 times a night (really) and so DS1 slept with me and DH slept in DS1's room.

Well, it was better but by no means ideal. I was pregnant, sick and getting bigger and bigger. DS1 loves to sleep right up against you so I was really uncomfortable. I started getting insomnia. Then he picked it up off me. Some nights we'd both lie awake for 3 or 4 hours. He was exhausted. I was exhausted. It just wasn't working.

I don't think co-sleeping when you're pregnant is a solution, especially as soon you'll have a newborn to deal with as well!

Try the bribery. She's old enough to understand that.

Failing that, install DH in her room on a mattress. That way you get the big bed to yourself and don't have to get up in the night.

babyschmaby · 31/08/2017 09:30

You sound quite selfish OP. Parenting should be a team effort and just because he has a different idea to you doesn't mean he's in the wrong. What he's done is working.

DH and I used to laugh at each other when they'd spent a night sleeping with one of the children and say something like "give up, did you?" It often meant a better night's sleep.

If you want to be the 'main parent' and him the person who follows the rules then you're approaching it correctly. I hope you don't post another AIBU with 'DH doesn't help, expects me to do it all and know everything ...'

SonicBoomBoom · 31/08/2017 09:43

Yes I interpreted the 2am comment the way Textpectaction did. Not just that OP ignores the child after 2am!

JayoftheRed · 31/08/2017 09:56

Both my kids go to sleep in their own beds. If they wake before midnight, they are put back to sleep in their own beds. If they wake after midnight, (i.e when I am also asleep), I generally let them in my bed. They are 4 and 1. The 4 year old sleeps through most nights, so isn't too much of a problem, and the 1 year old wakes for a feed anything from 11pm-3am. If I've gone to bed, I will usually bring him into my bed for the feed (still bf) and then let him sleep with me. My husband just turns over so he has his back to them all, or if he's struggling to sleep, he gets in the spare bed, but that doesn't happen very often.

If the boys get in our bed, they tend to drop back off to sleep within minutes. If I try to get them to settle back in their beds, I can be up for ages, especially with the 4 year old, who is very strong willed! I am very much for the most sleep for the most people, and if that means in my bed, then fine by me. And I get the BEST cuddles at night. Much better than the spitting and screaming I get all through the day!

They won't be little forever.

If having your DD in your bed isn't right for you, then your husband getting in her bed might be the way forward. Then you get the double bed to yourself (bliss!), DD gets Daddy to snuggle which is what she wants, and your DH, well, he started this didn't he?

Original poster
ilovecookies123 · 31/08/2017 09:57

Ok just to clear up a few things... a couple people insinuated that she is scared and I'm leaving her to be cared instead of comforting her, she isn't scared at all, she very clearly says that she wants someone to sleep with her as we sleep together in our bed, I think it's worth mentioning that she never ever did this until 2 weeks ago when DH layed down with her, we had nearly 3 months of near on perfect bedtimes where if she woke in the night and it would maybe happen once every 10ish days I would give her a cuddle, kiss, sit with her for 10 minutes and she would go back to sleep.

The 2am comment was in regards to what a pp said that we don't hold each other to arguments when we're both exhausted and would just get over it, not that I ignore my DD after 2am Hmm

I can't take her into my bed anymore, we conslept on and off for a vey long time and we naturally evolved out of it but I physically can't do it anyone, I have terrible trouble sleeping now I'm pregnant and I can't sleep with her in the bed properly at all, I miss the cuddles believe me but I have to think of my health and the migraines that I get from lack of proper sleep which is doing me, the baby and her no good as I can't then function the next day.

OP posts:
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